http://www.23ae.com/index.asp?post=345In order to continue his long-running evil machinations, Greyface has succeeded in declaring Pluto a "Dwarf Planet" – for the simple reason that if it wasn’t, Eris would also be a full-fledged planet.
This story has been largely ignored in the mainstream press, despite aggressive campaigning for years by Discordians, who have been trying to get the so-called "Xena" planetette to be dubbed Eris. Before the name change could be revealed, however, Greyface struck and got it downgraded to a fake planet.
Undaunted, we know that its massive size (it’s bigger than a former planet, for Discordja’s sake!) certainly effects the tides of the water in our pineal glands and thus we are developing a new Discordian Horrorscope.
The problem with traditional horoscopes should be obvious to anybody with half a brain. Let’s try a Scientific Experiment.
Place a box on a scale and record its weight. Breathe deeply into the box and quickly close the flaps. Now check the scale again. If you performed this experiment correctly, you will notice that the weight of the box did not change. Therefore, we have scientifically proven that gas is weightless. Take that, Mr. Wizard.
Now take a look at the planets that typically show up on horoscopes – four of them are made of gas! If something has no weight, it has no gravity... and therefore cannot affect the tides in our brains! Some people might argue that these planets have solid cores, but we have no way of seeing these and I refuse to believe this fact until it is replicated in a laboratory. I am a skeptic, after all.
Okay, so now we have determined that only four of the liberal media's "eight planets" are horroscopically significant, but let us not forget to add the bastard stepchildren Ceres, Pluto and Eris. That gives us seven planets to work with.
Now, seven is obviously an unacceptable number. Although, like every number, it adheres to the Law of Fives, it does not have an aesthetically pleasing relationship to the number five. Einstein himself comes to the rescue. He said that "After a certain high level of technical skill is achieved, science and art tend to coalesce in esthetics, plasticity, and form. The greatest scientists are always artists as well." This may be seen as a fallacious argument by some cynics – an appeal to authority, say – but we here at the 23 Apples of Eris have a great respect for Einstein that these skeptics clearly lack. Therefore, to successfully fuse science and aesthetics, we will sadly drop the two smallest planets from our highly technically-skilled calculations – goodbye again, Pluto and Ceres.
We are now left with five horrorscopically significant planets – Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, and Eris. The Sun is of course made of gas and can be ignored. The moon's gravity, as is well known, only affects werewolves, crazy people and oceans... since Discordians are generally crazy people, that brings the number of bodies that influence our horrors to six... but wait! We must remove the Earth, as it doesn't make any sense to figure out our relationship to the Earth, since we are on it and won’t be leaving until we can get broadband on Eris (in which case Luna will cease to affect us, and may be replaced by the Earth).
I must stop here and do a bit of research on the remaining horrorscopically significant bodies: Mercury, Venus, Luna, Mars, and Eris. Knowing me, I will never get to it, so feel free to take these revolutionary thoughts and run with them.
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