Let's Talk Turkey! [View All]

[NanceGreggs]

Hi, everyone! It’s me, NanceGreggs, live-blogging from the first Thanksgiving get-together – and what an event it’s turning out to be!

(First off, thanks to Sherman & Peabody Inc. for supplying the Wayback Machine, without the use of which this blog wouldn’t be possible.)

Right now I am on the Red Carpet, where a pre-pre-pre-surgery Joan Rivers is welcoming celebrity guests. “So, WHO are you wearing to tomorrow’s festivities?,” she asks – and admittedly it’s a question on everyone’s mind.

Dick Cheney was seen sporting a $456,712.56 bullet-proof vest designed by Halliburton, Laura Bush dazzled the throng with her suitable-for-future-White-House-drapes ensemble, while Ann Coulter claimed ignorance as to the designer of her umpteenth little black dress – although it apparently only comes in Size Minus 0 (IQ Minus 0 sold separately.)

Thanks to my DU-bestowed press credentials, I was able to have a sneak peek at the floats being prepared for tomorrow’s parade – and some of them are DUzy’s! While I am reluctant to spoil any surprises, I would just remind readers to watch out for the Get a Brain, Morans float, which features a Spellcheck application being ground into dust by a wood-chipper, and the FreepeR float – fully financed by parents who still have adult children living in the basements of their log cabins.

I also got a glimpse of the agenda for the Big Day. Apparently Lou Dobbs will be giving the “Welcome ALL – Uh, Except YOU” speech, George W. Bush will read a few selections from The Pet Goat as a lesson for future generation Americans on how to deal with an attack on their fledgling nation, and Joe Lieberman (D – DI – Watch-This-Space – whatever!) will drone speak about the importance of loyalty, depending on which way the political wind happens to be blowing.

Everyone is pitching-in to make this a day to remember: Michele Bachman is on security detail, ensuring that unwanted dinosaurs will not be allowed to disrupt dinner. Dr. Bill Frist will be monitoring the cooking spits via videotape – and hopefully will declare the turkeys dead and cooked to perfection at the appropriate moment. Rudy Giuliani is on-board as the self-appointed Man-of-Steel in Charge of Crisis Management (should one occur while the cameras are rolling - this offer void in future states where something called "trials" are permitted).

A few unfortunate incidents marred the pre-Thanksgiving celebrations: Senator John McCain was forcibly removed after yelling, “I want all of you Injuns off my lawn – now!” Sarah Palin (who can see the future Louisiana Purchase from her house) had to be stopped from field-dressing three dozen turkeys, when it was realized that at least thirty of them were fellow Republicans. Orly Taitz was expelled from the gathering after demanding that Native American attendees prove their “citizenship” by showing birth certificates, and copies of Michael Steele’s hand-penned newsletter, entitled “How, Kimosabe!”, was confiscated after being deemed not only inappropriate, but unlikely to garner many GOP registrants among long-standing local residents.

The media are out in force tonight, anxious to cover this historic event and enshrine its import for future generations. Larry King is doing a phone-in show, asking callers, “Whadda ya make o’ this Thanksgiving thing?” The FOX-News technicians are already editing footage from the signing of the Magna Carta to be passed off as crowds gathered to greet the arrival of visiting GOP dignitaries, and Wolf Blitzer is helpfully reminding his audience every thirty seconds that “America” was named after Amerigo Vespucci – while South America was named after his cousin, South Amerigo Vespucci. It is this kind of astute observation that will no doubt become the hallmark of journalistic excellence in the decades ahead.

Bloggers are also represented in large numbers. The Rude Pundit has already declared this just the fuckin’ first of many fuckin’ @#$! Thanksgiving celebrations, to be followed by other great fuckin’ @#$! celebrations in fuckin’ years to come. Some seedy character named EarlG is interviewing potential listees for The Top Ten Conservative Idiots, Volume I, Edition 1, Page 1, Post 1, Registration No. 000,000,001 – well, we’ll see where THAT goes. Will Pitt has left the bloggers’ area in utter disgust, vowing never to – oh, no, wait a sec – he’s back – oh, nevermind, he’s leaving again and – okay, more on that as the story unfolds.

What a thrill to meet the original DUers, who are also plentiful among the throng – Jamestown1, PlymouthRAWKS!, MayflowerMaddie, In-Before-The-FIRST-EVAH-Lock, aMaized&confused, bound2Btombstoned, Unwrecked – and Goody-Feel-Good (already a favorite among those who post in Ye Olde Lounge.)

(For those interested, I will be posting my interview with Here-Since-1621 on YouTube just as soon as someone invents a series of tubes and calls it the internetz – watch for it!)

Happy Thanksgiving to All!

--- Nance