Reply #4: Not falling in line [View All]

[undergroundpanther]

If that makes a hero,than I have been one before,But It didn't feel all that"heroic" at the time..In fact it felt like rage, it felt sick inside. My main"disobedience was standing up for fellow patients.. for their rights to be treated like human beings in a totalitarian environment. I was in a mental hospital,being a "hero" in a place like that where staff is psychopathic and unaccountable to anyone mostly,being a humane person with ethics gets you in deep shit.


You pay for caring and standing up,for others when you empathize . In the Mental Hospital,you can get locked in a little room indefinitely ,put in leather restraints, given nasty injections of drugs,and humiliated, treated like a problem patient and put on "watch". After those experiences I swore to myself I would NEVER stop standing up,when a bully shows their fucking asshole to someone who is vulnerable or in pain or not harming anyone.

I swear everything almost socially in our culture is designed to kill the hero in the human being.To foster obedience to authority figures and wrap the human soul in chains of commands.
In my life what has been the hardest,was not fearing the consequences of my disobedience.I feared what I felt like when I did nothing to help when I could have helped. The shame within me is like torture,the burning of my own wrath at myself is far worse than what any bully pissed off at me for standing up could do to me.

My life consisted of standing up to the bullies at home,in school,the bullies in the mental health system,the bullies on the street the cops,god,for years.. the list goes on and on..Scary truth is, 1 in 4 people have the kind of toxic personality that lies somewhere in the psychopath, narcissistic or authoritarian spectrum.And these personalities are who keep peace away from us,keep the world in turmoil,keep things sick.

But I have one hope it's not all that strong,but I refuse to let it go,for if I let it go I would kill myself right now,...The Hope is that more people will stop standing by,will disobey authoritarians and stop enabling them..and people will take the responsibility of empathy and acting upon that empathy for themselves and fuck what anyone else says, or thinks. The more people listen to their heart and disobey the rules the more the fucking asshole authoritarians among us,realize they are not free to abuse power, manipulate relationships,and desecrate our sacred person hood anymore. The bully heart belongs in chains of restriction and mistrust and rejection forever. The bully needs the social death sentence.. Not the heart of a caring,creative,disobedient, courageous, free spirit.

Being disobedient is not "heroic" per se.. I think it was or is our natural spirit orientation inside us within that has been systematically crushed or'broken' from day one..by our parents,the church,school.. on up. This "heroism" is just listening to your own conscience over the demands of conformity,and the din of social conditioning. A conscience is the desire to be better as a person than the world is ,and the desire to be who you are,in balance with compassion..THAT is the inner locus of control speaking..The command of the heart is supreme if you make it so.Ignore your own conscience at dire risk,you can lose a little bit of your sacred person hood,

At first ignoring your conscience makes you sick inside,if you keep on obeying authority over your own conscience you can become numb to your own heart's song and your voice withers to the party lines . That inner locus of self control is something we all have ,until we give it away to some asshole wearing an authority figure costume pretending as if he knew better than us ourselves what is right and good..we become obedient cowards,safe but calloused,somehow less than humane..