OK, DUers I can finally admit I need some help... [View All]

[erinlough]

I don't know where to start. I guess it's best to begin by telling you my dear sister Nan passed away one year ago come December. I have lived next door to her for the last 20 years, in fact my whole family are neighbors. My parents (still around and in their 80's) had a farm and gave each of us a piece of it.

Nancy was 12 years older than I and she was like my mother. She had polio when she was little and couldn't work in the fields so she stayed in with me when I was an infant. I remember her as the person who read to me and played with me. My grief is as deep as it would be with a parent.

Well, living so close has benefits and downfalls. I was able to take care of her toward the end of her cancer with the help of my other sisters and her husband. And, I was with her until she died. The part I could never have imagined is that she left behind her husband who I would have to cope with.

Please don't think I'm hard hearted, I'm not. He is not coping with her death. He is drinking heavily and all that he can talk about is how she betrayed him. I guess because she told him it would all be OK, he thinks she lied to him.

I can't listen to him and he wants to have all of us take care of him by cleaning, and organizing things for him. I can't even stand to be in the same room with him. Therefore, I have become his whipping girl. He tells everyone, even co-workers, how I don't come over to visit him (next door) and I don't know what to do. I can't go in his house because it has become nasty and he has this "Shrine" to Nan on the table with candles.....I can't go.

I have just begun to feel the loss because up to now the focus has been entirely on him and his mental health. I resent him a great deal and if I'm honest with myself I wish Nan had lived and he was gone. Oh, that sounds so terrible.

Obviously I feel horrible about myself and have begun to stay inside all the time and not even socialize. Thanksgiving was horrible and Christmas will be even worse. I had hoped he would go to one of his kids houses, but they asked him to come after Christmas because he is difficult with them also and his drinking is hard to explain to his grandkids.

Thanks for listening and any advise is appreciated.
Kathy