Reply #3: Drinking wasn't a good idea [View All]

[davidthegnome]

It's why I almost never do. Two glasses are enough to make me wish I hadn't. Unfortunately, my self pity got the better of my common sense last night.

I'm on two medications - 150 MG of zoloft once a day, and a miligram of xanax every day (split up into four tablets, four times a day). That in itself is reason enough not to try to drink myself to sleep. I've just been so out of sorts lately. A month ago I was working out every day, taking an online course for medical transcription, starting to feel better about myself. Something killed the momemtum, it didn't last long.

My girlfriend - we go back ten years. She's always been this way, conservative, doesn't believe in mental illness, often tells me how much she hates smoking and what an idiot I am for doing it. I've made promises before, that I would quit, and have been unable to keep them. People who have quit tell me that I just need to "friggin do it", and maybe they're right.

She gave me a wake up call this morning, as she usually does. I got to listen to a long speech about how badly I'd screwed up - how she'd told her mother I had quit. How I certainly wasn't going to be smoking when I got there - how she wouldn't marry a smoker, and so on. Then I was told to get a job, and told what assholes my parents were - she thinks all of my problems are their fault because they drink a bottle of wine every night.

We often have conversations like this. She demands I change, grow up, get a job, quit smoking. She's right, I have to do it but I just feel like I can't.

I've been planning this trip for months. Haven't seen her since October. We're very opposite in many important aspects of life - yet I love her, and have for a long time. Nonetheless, some times I really feel like a punching bag.

Ironically I had a therapy appointment at 10 - she woke me up at 9:30 to yell at me and wasn't finished till 10. Takes me half an hour to get into town - so I called into my therapist's office and told him my (well, my mother's) car wouldn't start. I know, lying is a bad habit.

What should I do? I'm thinking that maybe I'll get a patch today, put it on tomorrow and just suffer through the next week. I did promise her I'd go, and if I don't show up it's likely to be the end of our relationship. Anyone else in this position, I'd tell them not to go, to break up with her. But I'm, I don't know, kind of uh... addicted to her I guess. Even more than to smoking.

I want to do the right thing. I should just put the patch on first thing tomorrow morning and get it over with. I just wish she wasn't so ignorant, she's never been addicted to anything, and she told me this morning "You get to quit while you're here, because you didn't do it at home. I hope you enjoy it." Oh yeah, withdrawal is a blast babe, when I'm done shaking like a lunatic and having panic attacks maybe I'll do a little happy dance or something.