I just don't know anymore (can't think, can't see, can't do anything) [View All]

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I started cutting again today. It's been many many years since I did this. Nothing big, just a couple shallow gashes on my arm. I am almost at the end of my rope. I'm ready for the hospital again because I don't know what to do anymore.

I had an argument with my on/off girlfriend last night and she hung up on me. I'm starting to realize she's cruel and nasty and just "does not get it". She's started seeing somebody else (behind my back) even though I still thought we were together.

Thankfully a very close ex-girlfriend has been talking me through this the last few days. You may know her as Sugar Smack on DU. She's been a godsend. She listens to me, shares with me, and affirms me. Even though we're not a couple anymore I still love her very much. If not for her I'd be in the hospital or worse.

And then there's my gig tonight. The first one in ten years. I was really looking forward to it all this week, but now I don't know. I called my gf this morning at work and "disinvited" her, because I don't want her around me right now. I'm really afraid to screw this one up. I had a lot of confidence yesterday, but now....

I don't know why I'm posting this. I just need to vent I guess.