Two instances of unshakeable certainty [View All]

[AlecBGreen]

Here in R/T and out in the real world, nonbelievers often ask "Why do you believe in God? What evidence do you have for Her/His/Its existence?" That is a good question, the response to which requires more than a simple post in an online discussion forum. Nevertheless, I would like to offer two events that happened to me that serve as an example for why I AlecBGreen believe in the existence of God.

First off you should know that I tend to be a very self-doubting person. I often second-guess my decisions and experiences. I have a 'full-of-doubt' personality. Virtually EVERY decision I make is bound to bring up thoughts of doubt, hesitation, second-guessing, etc. Thinking back, I can only recall two (2!) instances of unshakeable certainty in my life. Both were spiritual/religious events.

#1) In the summer of 2004 I travelled to China to teach English for a year. I had just begun to feel called by God (that is a post for another time) so I thought a year away from the usual could give me time to explore my belief. At this point in my life, I was quite uncertain about God - did it exist? If so, what does that mean? I signed a year-long contract over the internet with a small private English school in a remote corner of China's poorest province. The boss told me to contact him once I and my colleague N. reached the provincial capital and he would come pick us up. I got my visa, packed my bags, flew across the US and to then to Beijing (18 hours). Once in Beijing we slept for 12 hours in the train station then rode the train 36 hours into Guiyang, the capital of Guizhou province. We arrived at two a.m.

N. used the phone of a nice young lady we had met on the train to contact our boss. While on the phone, his face fell. He mouthed, "we dont have a job!" He argued with the boss for a few minutes then hung up in disgust. Apparently our future boss, not hearing from us for 3 days, assumed we weren't coming. He gave away our jobs to others. N. countered that we had been on a frikkin' plane and train for the last 3 days, how were we supposed to contact him? It was futile; the jobs were gone.

There we were, 2 am in a foreign country with lots of luggage, little money, barely a scrap of Chinese ability and no jobs. We were crushed. N. cussed up a storm and wanted to get back on the next train and fly home. The young lady and her father (a police officer) graciously invited us back to their home to eat, sleep, and try to figure out our response to this situation. They took us home and fed us an amazing meal and we soon fell asleep on their floor.

I woke at about 6am, N. still sound asleep on the couch. I went to the window of their 5th story apartment to smoke a cigarette and think about the situation. The city was all aglow with orange streetlights and very quiet. I was wracked with indecision. In my mind I was screaming "WHAT THE F***!?" Having just started to believe in the possibility of God, a thought popped in my mind: pray, ask for guidance. I prayed, "God, if you are there, help me. What should I do?" The response was immediate: "Open your Bible." I flipped it open and looked at read the first passage I saw, Luke 9:62 "Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." At that very moment a feeling overtook me which I can hardly relate. It was like a freight-train ran over me. A feeling of peace and absolute certainty filled me from head to toe. It was palpable. I knew to the very core of my being that I was meant to be here.

To this day I forget so many things (my moms birthday being a prime example!) but this moment is etched into my brain. I can remember the apartment, the smell of the dinner in the air. I can remember the way the city looked, the way the trains overpass bisected my view of the city. Most of all, I can still viscerally feel the sensation of calm, peace, and utter certainty that filled me up. Its a great thing.

We stayed in China and found a job two days later. I taught English for two years and went on to become a science teacher in the US when I returned. I met my future wife in Guiyang. In all ways, my time there was a positive experience. I give this one moment credit for all that has happened since. This brings me to my next experience.

#2) Newly married, still living in Guiyang ~18 months later. My life had changed in many ways. I was reading the Bible and thinking more of God but I was still uncertain in my belief. This was unsurprising as that was and is the norm in my life. My wife was an atheist so this spiritual questioning was mostly done alone. I was frustrated by my uncertainty to say the least. The moment in the policeman's apartment often came to mind but I discounted it as just one experience. If God was real, was that to be my only glimpse?

One night I fell asleep and had a vivid dream, the details of which I can still clearly recall. I was in a large stone church with stairs running up and around the sides of a great foyer. The steps of the stairway were red, velvety cushions. I climbed the stairs with many others and at the top, a cloakroom was there. The man in the cloakroom handed me a gray woolen robe. I put it on and followed the crowd into a large sanctuary. Wooden tables were everywhere and many people were sitting at the tables. They exuded a sense of community but I felt out of place. I sat at a table that was set aside, further from the others. A preacher began to give his sermon. He was very animated though unsmiling. All the people were nodding and smiling at his words. Suddenly his head whipped around and he looked right at me. He said "You DO NOT belong here!" Scared and embarrassed, I left.

(side note: as I write this, a snowstorm is falling and a huge lightning bolt just crashed outside! COOL!)

Leaving the claustrophobic room with the snarling preacher and the nodding heads, I followed the stone-and-cushion stairway to the highest level of the church. I went into another room. Here too there were a great many people, dressed in street clothes. They were milling around a table, eating a pot-luck supper. They had a familiar look to them; one resembled my mom, though just different enough to not be her. I joined the line and people were clapping me on the back, greeting me. A man entered the room. Unlike the others, he was dressed in a powder blue silk robe. "Oh, its an angel!" I matter-of-factly thought (can one consciously 'think' in a dream?). He walked up to me, smiling. That same feeling of peace and certainty I had felt at the policeman's house descended on me like a warm blanket. He said, "Hi AlecBGreen! We've been waiting for you. Just so you know, everything is going to be ALL RIGHT." I immediately came out of my dream and awoke completely. "HOLY $HIT!" I thought, "that was a message straight from God's lips to my ears!" The same feeling of total, complete, unassailable certainty flooded me. Again its hard to describe but it was pervasive, unmistakable, undeniable. I have not thought of this dream for some time, but during my life in China I remembered it often with great happiness.

So these are just some moments I wanted to share with you all about why I believe in God. Are there other possible explanations? Absolutely. My mom is a psychologist and she will tell you that dreams are manifestations of our subconscious. Even so, these two moments of unshakable certainty were SO real, SO visceral, I cannot help but feel they have a higher origin. Thanks for reading! :hi: