Here's How It Goes, Sweetie [View All]

[NanceGreggs]

Dear Goodie Palin:

Let me begin by stating that I have always firmly believed in the concept that a candidate’s personal life, religious beliefs, and family eccentricities should be off the table when they are running for office.

However, when these attributes are the only things you have profferred to the public as your “qualifications” for the vice presidency, and perhaps the presidency, even someone as dense as you should realize they are fair pickin’s.

In an effort to be helpful, let me remind you of a few inconvenient facts:

You are, if the media is accurate, a female. That does not make you a feminist. The fact that you and I have similar plumbing does not mean we share the same values. I want control over my own body, thank you very much – and as long as you’re advocating the opposite, the use or misuse of your plumbing is fair game. Got it?

Besides, I also understand that throughout your governorship, your husband has had access to the internal workings of your office. You know, just because you don’t wear a burka doesn’t mean that the necessity to have your man weigh-in on your every move isn’t as obvious as ankle-length garb. Just sayin'.

In addition to the above, your daughter’s current state of affairs isn’t exactly a ringing endorsement of your stance on abstinence-only sex education – nor is a “shotgun wedding” between she and a guy who has publicly stated his disdain for “rug rats” a model to be followed by teenagers caught in a similar situation. (I give that “marriage” six months, tops – how about you?)

The biggest obstacle for you to overcome is the fact you are a proven liar. You have lied about everything from your support of a Bridge to Nowhere to your travel experience (guess you’ve been told that a fuel stop in Ireland doesn’t constitute having “visited” the country). Even a dummy like you has to admit that having to lie repeatedly doesn’t exactly lend gravitas to a paper-thin resume, any more than it demonstrates solid Christian values.

And while we’re on the subject, Sweet Sarah, your religious leanings are, to put it bluntly, whacked out. I believe in separation of Church and State – I’m guessing that right about now, you’re wishing your party believed that, too. Oh, well.

Sarah, really and honestly – do you truly believe that the fact that you can see Russian territory from some vantage points in your state qualifies you as having “foreign policy experience”? By that way of thinking, shouldn’t the person who has most frequently ordered take-out chow mein, souvlaki and samosas be next in line for presiding over the UN? Although I realize that thinking isn’t your strong suit, shouldn’t you think about that?

And now we get down to it, Snookums: you believe you are capable of handling the vice presidency, despite having to ask what a vice president does, because you don’t know. You have also asserted your ability to assume the responsibilities of the presidency on a moment’s notice, even though you require weeks of “prep time” to face the questions of reporters.

Come on, darlin’ – are you really expecting us to swallow this nonsense? Are you really going to hold out your PTA credentials as proof positive that you can run a country?

Are you really going to continue to present yourself as a savvy candidate who thinks polar bears and wolf pups are destroying the environment, that rape and incest victims are the ultimate whiners in today’s society, that being a believer that the end times are imminent actually support anything more than your own apparent insanity?

Quite frankly, Miss Congeniality, your nomination is a national embarrassment, your alleged “qualifications” are laughable, and your resume wouldn’t get you much more than a trainee position in a fast-food drive-through.

But just so we’re absolutely clear on this, Sarah – everything you have ever said, done, advocated or supported is a matter of public record, along with every detail of your personal life and that of your family members, who you have chosen to drag into the dung-heap in an effort to publicize yourself in pursuit of your own political ambitions.

That’s right, Cute-but-Clueless – it’s ALL out there: fair game for the tabloids, for the late-night monologists, for the political satirists, for the pundits and the cartoonists.

And I can’t begin to tell you how much I am enjoying the inevitable public skewering of a pig-in-a-poke who didn’t even have the foresight to provide her own lipstick, while decrying the unfairness of public scrutiny into the sty you inhabit - and continue to gleefully and thoughtlessly wallow in.