Reply #15: If you love vampires, you will hate it [View All]

[Chovexani]

It's basically Mary Sue badfic written by a Mormon housewife. The main character is an insufferably annoying Sue with no redeeming qualities whom everyone seems to love anyway, the main vampire is dry as toast and has no personality at all. There's no sex in the book because SMeyer's a Mormon so they dry hump in a hilarious fashion instead. I've tried like three times to get through the first book and failed, but I've read summaries and the like and so far as I can tell there is no actual plot. It's basically a million pages of SMeyer telling you in prose so purple it makes Anne Rice seem like the Queen of Brevity how beautiful and wonderful Bella and Edward are and how awesomely omg amazing their twue wuv is. It's a lot of "tell, not show" and the problem is Edward is a creepy fucking stalker that would probably be arrested irl or at least slapped with a restraining order for the shit he pulls. The comic I linked you really sums it up.

Imagine if Anne Rice tried to write another Vampire Chronicles novel after a 36 hour crack-and-Jesus binge, and you'll have only begun to contemplate the horror that is Twilight. And all you need to know about the vampires? They go out in the sun. And they sparkle. Like a five year old girl that got into her big sister's body glitter. I'm not shitting you. I don't think SMeyer ever even read a vampire novel before or is familiar with any of the mythos. I think she got high on Robitussin*, watched the Queen of the Damned movie, and decided she could do it with less style and make it make even less sense. If I sound angry and a little bitter, it's the struggling writer in me wondering how shit like this and Eragon gets published.


*Mormon drug of choice, I learned this living out West.