Reply #37: I have to respond to your post [View All]

[skygazer]

Skittles, I have nothing but respect for you and I know you don't mean it like this, but remarks like that have a tendency to feel like negative judgment to any strong woman who has found herself in an abusive relationship. It's just not that straightforward. Hell, I used to say the same thing, and I had a feeling almost of disdain for anyone who would stay with an abusive man.

There's not many women stronger or more independent than I am. I moved out of my family home at 17 and I've been taking care of myself ever since. I've never leaned on anyone or depended on anyone and I've worked hard, physical jobs alongside men and kept right up with them, in construction, mechanics, racing, you name it. No one ever made me feel weak.

Then I found myself in that situation.

It's just not that cut and dried. It's a deeply psychological, insidious situation that doesn't happen overnight. Abusers don't tend to abuse on the first date - often it's years into the relationship before something occurs. By then, a lot of subtle psychological factors have built up, along with a person's natural disbelief that something like that, coming from someone who supposedly loves them, is the norm. It's seen as an aberration. Sure, the first time it happened, I was furious and indignant. And we had a blow-up and I threatened to leave and he cried and apologised and told me it would never, ever happen again and I believed it because we'd been together for 2 years and had a son and nothing had given me any indication that anything like that could happen. It was easy to believe that it was an aberration, that it was stress or illness or even my fault. But to believe he was one of those awful abusive husbands was beyond believing.

Maybe it wouldn't happen to you. But understand that NO ONE thinks it will ever happen to them. And that EVERYONE believes they'd just walk out and get away the first time. That's just not what tends to happen in real life though. Because there's more to it than some jerk punching you. A lot more.

Peace.