Reply #41: I think it is [View All]

[Heddi]

if you're in a committed relationship (significant SO, spouse, etc), and you find the need to explore your sexual fantasies with someone else, then that's cheating.

You're with-holding truth from your Sig Other. You're telling someone ELSE what you should be telling your Sig Other. You're realistically imagining yourself being with someone, which is different than masturbating to a porn star---most likely, you've never personally exchanged fantasies with that porn star, told her in person what you'd like hre to do, and had her tell you what she'd like to do for you.

It's a misuse of an emotional commitment that you made with your Sig Other.

What if it wasn't cyber-sex. What if you were talking to a co-worker or friend and discussing your fantasies, getting sexual arousal from what you'd like to do, and what they're saying they'll do.

Cheating doesn't always have to be a physical act, and I think it's much more insidious when it's emotional.

Physical acts can at least be sort-of explained away (I was drunk, heat of the moment, we were fighting, etc).

Emotional adultery is much worse, IMO. I think I could forgive my husband if he had a one-night stand with someone else. But I could never forgive him if he told another woman that he loved them. I could never forgive him if the affair was long-term, with the same person. THAT is emotional, and I think that's a far bigger abuse than a physical act (even though it would take much time and thought to forgive him of cheating in any extent).

If you can't be honest with your partner about your sexual needs, and have to go beoynd the porn movies & nudie mags (which aren't cheating) to get sexual thrills, then you need to seriously re-evaluate why you're in a relationship with someone who gives you no pleasure.

I think the key is---if you have to hide it, then it's wrong.

If you're doing cyber-sex with your wife in the room, and she knows about it and encourages it, then hey. Everything's groovy.

But if you have to hide and wait until she's asleep, or use a computer at school/work, or chat only when she's not around, then you know you're doing something wrong, and are hiding it for a reason.