Reply #52: UPDATE: I am getting ready to go back to the hospital [View All]

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

My mother is being kept alive by the dopamine which is keeping her blood pressure up but her organs are all functioning. That much is good but it's all wait and see.

The genuine care and concern of those who were real in expressing it is appreciated.

This has, by far, been some of the most difficult months in my life to date. It's been hard. Fucking hard.

And it's been cathartic. Today makes one year to the day that there has been a war between my mother and myself over some of my choices in life. It wasn't her place to start that war with me and it wasn't a "just war" but it was a war nonetheless. And it was a war that was not really worth it on my end either.


I love my mother but she has been very cruel, controlling and demanding with me over the course of my life. I've always wanted to work those differences and that dynamic out through love but it became impossible over the last year...I came to a place in my heart where I questioned whether I loved her or hated her.

I simply pledged to myself that I would not abandon her in her old age in spite of that cruelty. It has nearly killed me (and I do mean literally killed me) to live up to that but no matter what happens...I have kept my word. When I say I will be there for those I love most, I can count on myself for that much.

I got her to ER solely by accident last night. I went to check on her in her sleep...touched her and was clear she was feverish. It was providence that I did.

The ten hours we spent in ER last night were filled with peace and communication. I am complete with her. I am confronting her demise.


While some may see some "codependent" or other conceptual dynamic in that, I view it as a level of integrity where one stands for love even in the absolute worst of conditions. In spite of what anyone may think...it's something I appreciate about me. I may not always keep my word and I may have failings...but when push comes to shove, my love and devotion can be taken to the bank in spite of my character flaws.