Would you keep living w/someone under these circumstances? [View All]

[complain jane]

You meet someone. You hit it off. Some time goes by; they're getting over a 20 year relationship that just ended. But they want this new relationship to work. Of course, it's rough sometimes; a song plays that reminds them of the ex, friends inadvertently bring up the ex in conversation, ex has to call/stop over to pick up forgotten belongings and/or discuss financial ties with house/recreational vehicles etc.

Alright. Time passes. It fades. As it fades, you begin to learn that this new dating partner of yours has some family issues. Their father has early signs of dementia and is losing his eyesight and lives with your new dating partner's brother and his family, who by all appearances seem to have some sort of mental illness that's run amok. They have 12 dogs in the father's tiny house AND DO NOT TAKE THEM OUT FOR WALKS. There's dog feces on the floor, dog urine on the floor, unwashed people and unwashed teenage children who are being "home schooled" although there's not a book in the house. The father is rarely fed and never bathed.

Huh, you think. Well, look at this.

Time goes on, court appearances evolve, eviction notices for the brother and his disgusting family are served and ignored, finally sheriffs turn up at the door after nearly six months of this disgusting and mind-boggling drama.

You, in the meantime, have moved in with your new significant other, in their house. You've been dating about 2 years. For the first six months or so, the ex drama was center stage. Now the Father saga is center stage.

By this point, the father of your new significant other has been diagnosed with early Alzheimer's and has practically no eyesight and guess what-

he's coming to live with you!

New significant other flip-flops about whether the father's going into a home. Looks at places, complains about the price although the money is there in the sale of his house; but new significant other decides to take care of father as long as possible, at home, in the house you're living in.

Father CHAIN smokes "outside" (which means in the doorway), you don't smoke. Significant other tries to cut down on smoking; snap-snap-snap-snap-snap-pop-pop-pops Nicorette gum all day and night. Father has accidents from time to time and needs changing. Father constantly around, father present at every single meal and comes with you and your new significant other to every store and outing. Father no longer understands how to go about using the bathroom and therefore often has a foul odor because he does not use toilet paper nor does he wash his hands. Significant other does the best they can to keep up with his hygiene & sanitary care and a home health aid comes twice a week.

Father sits in front of the tv set all evening, every evening, watching Lawrence Welk reruns and nothing else. The TV has to be on what "he wants", your other half now says, or else he'll be bored.

Other half gets frustrated caring for father. You suggest a beautiful assisted living facility around the corner that has specialized Alzheimer's care. Significant other explodes and says that's "not what I want to hear".

Other half says they'll make the choice to move him when they're darn good and ready and if you don't like it you can leave.

You've been in this relationship for just 2 years. You barely were able to form a deep relationship in that time, especially because most of the time was consumed with drama between the ex and the father. And now you're in a situation where this person's incoherent father with less-than-desireable cleanliness and hygiene has been inserted in the middle of your home and relationship, out of your partner's choice. The money is there for a home but they do not feel ready to put him there.

Do you think that wanting to move out, get a place of my own, and still trying to be supportive of this Significant Other in her choice to keep her father in her own home makes me a bad person?

I feel like if I had my own place nearby, then when I see them it's by choice- not by being saddled with this without my consent, and without being able to even have a voice in the matter.

I understand that Significant Other's father's care is THEIR choice, not mine. I accept that. I'm just trying to sort through my own feelings of guilt for not wanting to live in the middle of this situation.