JET BLUE GOES ‘BLUE’: TERRORISM SPURS CREATION OF ALL-NUDE AIRLINE [View All]

[Don Davis]

In the biggest change in commercial aviation since the invention of the jet engine, Jet Blue announced today that it was going “All Nude,” in order to minimize both terrorist threats, and the long delays caused by high-security check-ins.

Borrowing the famous Cunard Cruise Ship slogan of a bygone era — “Getting There is Half The Fun” — Jet Blue has substantially reduced the long check-in lines on its flights. As one of its spokesmen explained, “we no longer have to worry about shoes, or tryin’ to solve mysteries without any clues.”

In addition, the banning of all liquids has also expedited the boarding process, although security personnel still have to employ state-of-the-art scanners to ensure that all passengers are boarding with empty bladders.

Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff lauded this policy as “sheer genius,” claiming that the mere presence of naked bodies alone is a major deterrent to Islamic terrorists getting on a plane. In fact, as a further preventive measure, Jet Blue has adopted a policy of sitting all “Arab-looking” individuals in “Menstruation Class.”

Jet Blue has also revolutionized the screening process by ditching the useless question, “Have you packed your own bags?,” in favor of: “Do you believe in death to the twin satans Israel and America?”

Initial reaction from air travelers was decidedly mixed. One female passenger said she appreciated the shorter check-ins, “but the least they could do is provide us with in-flight blankets; it gets cold as a bitch up there at 30,000 feet.”

And a fifty-something male said he had no problem with the nudity, but expressed regret that this wasn’t done 25 years ago, “before all the flight attendants were either gay or post-menopausal women.”