The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 253 [View All]

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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 253

July 24, 2006
Instant Massage Edition

It's a case of Prez Gone Wild this week as George W. Bush (1,2) gets fresh with his hands - and his veto pen. Elsewhere, Mike DeWine (5) fails to exploit 9/11 properly, John Gosek (6) goes to prison, and James Inhofe (9) explains global warming. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!



George W. Bush

Time was that the job of the Secret Service was to protect the president from the public. Now it's looking increasingly likely that the Secret Service is going to have to start protecting the public from the president. At the recent G8 conference, Our Great Leader apparently lost control of his senses and decided to give German Chancellor Angela Merkel an impromptu (and unwanted) back rub. In the middle of a meeting. In front of the media.



Classy! But if you thought that was the end of President Hands McInappropriate's antics last week, think again. Here he is "playfully" greeting Rep. Al Green (D-TX) at the NAACP convention:


Honestly, next time George goes out in public, I think the Secret Service should fit him with one of these...




George W. Bush

George W. Bush vetoed his first bill last week, and somewhat unsurprisingly it was a bill which would have given hope to millions of people who suffer from incurable diseases. Can't have that, can we?

Bush vetoed the bi-partisan stem cell research bill (which passed the Senate by 63 votes to 37) because apparently he's the most moral president ever and thinks that life is so sacred that performing revolutionary medical research on invisible clumps of cells is equivalent to walking up to someone and shooting them in the face. (But - and I must stress this point - it's not the same as dropping bombs on civilians. That's called "collateral damage in the fight for freedom.")

Strangely, while announcing the veto, Bush chose to surround himself with families who have all benefited from embryonic research and the destruction of numerous blastocysts. (Or as Tony Snow might put it, the mass-murder of defenseless babies.) The families had created so-called "snowflake babies" by "adopting" embryos which had been created during the in vitro-fertilization process, a medical procedure which, curiously, is championed by the very same people who think stem cell research is conducted via satanic ritual.

There are around 400,000 blastocysts currently stored in deep-freeze; the by-products of IVF treatment. Before the president vetoed the stem-cell research bill, they could have been used to search for cures for diabetes, Parkinson's disease, multiple sclerosis, and many other devastating illnesses. Now he's vetoed the bill, there are two options remaining: they can either be adopted, or thrown in the trash.

And incidentally, when the snowflake families "adopted" their embryos they had to go through the normal IVF procedure, which involves implanting several blastocysts into the womb in the hope that one will turn into a baby.

The other blastocysts? Let's just call them "collateral damage in the fight for fertilization."



Anti-Abortion Nutjobs

So given the fact that around 70% of Americans approve of stem cell research, what was Bush trying to gain by vetoing the bill? Well, he's still in dire straits politically so Karl Rove obviously saw a good opportunity to throw a bone to his conservative base (or the "backwash" as Stephen Colbert might say).

Last week Karl explained the science behind stem cell research to the editorial board of the Denver Post, saying that there is "far more promise from adult stem cells than from embryonic stem cells." Which is just plain wrong according to most stem cell research scientists.

Fortunately Rush Limbaugh was on the case, telling his listeners last week that "you need abortions" to get the embryos for stem cell research. Which is also just plain wrong. But at least Limbaugh stood with most stem cell research scientists and denounced Karl Rove's incorrect statement about adult stem cells. Just kidding. He said, "Karl Rove got in trouble the other day for telling the truth."

So who are the people that Karl and Rush are trying to fool? Let's meet them.

A memorial service for an aborted fetus concluded today without the planned burial in Smith Park.

The 11 a.m. service was part of an eight-day protest led by the anti-abortion group, Operation Save America, in an effort to shut down Jackson Women's Health Organization, the state's last remaining abortion clinic.

Wow. Uh, so, whose fetus is that?

Father Frank Pavone, director of Priests for Life, said the fetus, which is being preserved in a formaldehyde-like solution, will be buried in Alabama in a few months.

Pavone said he received the fetus from an anonymous pathologist who asked him to give it a proper burial.

Pavone said the fetus was aborted at about 18 weeks. It has been used in demonstrations in New York and Columbus, Ohio, he said, and will be in several more before being buried.

I see. So the anonymous pathologist asked the priest to give the fetus a proper burial, and the priest put it in a jar of formaldehyde and carted it around the country to use as a prop in anti-abortion demonstrations. Makes sense.



The Bush Administration

Karl Rove and Rush Limbaugh aren't the only ones leading the charge to spread misinformation about stem cells and abortion...

A new study released by Rep. Henry A. Waxman finds that federally funded pregnancy resource centers often mislead pregnant teens about the medical risks of abortion, telling investigators who posed as pregnant 17-year-olds that abortion leads to breast cancer, infertility, and mental illness.

According to Waxman, since Bush came into office certain "crisis pregnancy centers" have received $30 million of taxpayers' money to lie to pregnant women about abortion.

Twenty of the 23 centers reached by the investigators (87%) provided false or misleading information about the health effects of abortion. According to the report:

* The centers provided false and misleading information about a link between abortion and breast cancer. There is a medical consensus that induced abortion does not cause an increased risk of breast cancer. Despite this consensus, eight centers told the caller that having an abortion would in fact increase her risk. One center said that "all abortion causes an increased risk of breast cancer in later years," while another told the caller that an abortion would "affect the milk developing in her breasts"and that the risk of breast cancer increased by as much as 80% following an abortion.

* The centers provided false and misleading information about the effect of abortion on future fertility. Abortions in the first trimester, using the most common abortion procedure, do not pose an increased risk of infertility. However, seven centers told the caller that having an abortion could hurt her chances of having children in the future. One center said that damage from abortion could lead to "many miscarriages" or to "permanent damage" so "you wouldn’t be able to carry," telling the caller that this is "common" and happens "a lot."

* The centers provided false and misleading information about the mental health effects of abortion. Research shows that significant psychological stress after an abortion is no more common than after birth. However, thirteen centers told the caller that the psychological effects of abortion are severe, long-lasting, and common. One center said that the suicide rate in the year after an abortion "goes up by seven times." Another center said that post-abortion stress suffered by women having abortions is "much like" that seen in soldiers returning from Vietnam and "is something that anyone who's had an abortion is sure to suffer from."

Quite the twofer this one - feeding women a line of bullshit about their reproductive choices AND furthering the dumbing down of America. Way to go, Bush administration.



Mike DeWine

This year's Senate race in Ohio is heating up, so the incumbent Mike DeWine has decided to play the GOP's favorite trump card: 9/11. DeWine recently approved TV ads attacking Democratic candidate Sherrod Brown on national security, using images of the burning World Trade Center to make his point. Which is a bit strange considering that DeWine was the Senator for Ohio on 9/11. It's like saying, "Hey, vote for me - I was in charge when this happened." And as we've all become more than aware, Republican foreign policy has made the world so much safer since then.

But it turns out that DeWine can't even exploit the world's worst terrorist attack properly. The controversial ad was pulled last week after it was revealed that the images of the World Trade Center weren't real - they were computer generated. Not only that, but they were wrong - the ad shows the South Tower on fire when in fact the North Tower was hit first.


So, knowing DeWine's penchant for computer-generated attack ads, I've decided to helpfully create some new ads he can use in the run-up to the November elections:






John Gosek

Time now for a Conservative Morals and Values update of a story first mentioned in Idiots 215: last week, the former (Republican) mayor of Oswego NY, John Gosek, was sentenced to three years in federal prison. According to the Associated Press:

John Gosek, mayor of Oswego from 2000 to 2005, admitted paying $250 to a woman he believed had lined up two 15-year-old girls for sex at a suburban Syracuse hotel. The woman was an FBI informant who secretly recorded her conversation with Gosek as part of a sting operation.

Oh dear. Gosek's defense lawyer, Emil Rossi, tried to get him off the hook by claiming that since the girls were fictional, he should be treated in a more lenient fashion. Unfortunately (for Gosek) the law says that it doesn't matter - he thought the girls were real at the time.

Rossi also tried to claim that Gosek has a "personality disorder that makes him think of himself as important to every woman he meets when he drinks alcohol." He filed a psychologist's report which read, "The alcohol fuels his ego and at the same time reduces his morality."

Gee, that's amazing. Who would have thought that alcohol could fuel mens' egos, make them think they're more important to women, and reduce their morality? I'm astonished. Having learned about this amazing "personality disorder," I think that legislators should move immediately to add a new warning label to all alcohol containers. Something like this perhaps:




Mark Albertini

John Gosek isn't the only alcohol-related conservative idiot on the list this week - meet Mark Albertini, who's running for governor in Tennessee. Albertini has raised a whopping $500 for his primary campaign against state Sen. Jim Bryson, and appeared last week at a rally in Knoxville. Everything went well until police found him standing at an intersection about two miles from the rally where he "appeared to be unsteady on his feet."

Albertini was subsequently arrested on suspicion of public intoxication and spent the night in the county lockup. According to the Associated Press, "The arrest report says a search of Albertini's car turned up a bottle of wine and a pistol."



Tony Snow

White House press secretary Tony Snow seems to be developing an interesting new technique in his press briefings - when he gets stumped, he asks reporters to give him the answer. As noted a few weeks ago in Idiots 251, Snow answered the question "What has been the President's reaction to the death of Ken Lay?" by saying, "I don't know, what do you think would be the appropriate thing to say?"

Then, following Bush's appearance at the NAACP convention last week and the revelation that there are no African-Americans among the top 20 White House staffers, this exchange took place:

QUESTION: If he is proud of the diversity in his Cabinet, wouldn't you expect him to improve diversity amongst the White House staff?

SNOW: What the president does is he looks for the best available people.

QUESTION: And they're all white?

SNOW: I don't know. Why don't you tell me?

Er, I don't know. Why don't you do your job and answer reporters' questions instead of asking them what they think all the time?



James Inhofe

Global warming is starting to take its toll on endangered species, one of which happens to be a particular group known as "Republicans who are still trying to claim that global warming is a myth." Certain animals belonging to this group are fighting hard against extinction though, including Sen. James Inhofe of Oklahoma who appeared on Glenn Becks's CNN Headline News show last week. Earlier in the day Inhofe had appeared on Beck's radio show where he gave his scientific opinion on climate change, saying that Al Gore was "full of crap." Here's part of the CNN HN transcript:

GLENN BECK: As I pointed out to the radio listeners, you're a pretty brave guy, because, you know, if you come out against global warming you're either a nut job or you're just clearly in bed with big oil, and thus you should have no credibility.

JAMES INHOFE: Yes, well, you know, I have to say this, and I'd say that probably 75 percent of the viewers that are watching this right now have bought into this thing, this global warming thing, in saying that it was manmade gases.

(snip)

...in all of the recent science, as I've mentioned on your radio show, it confirms that I was right on this thing. This thing is a hoax.

A hoax? "In all of the recent science?" I guess Inhofe missed the latest report by the National Academy of Sciences which said that "recent warmth is unprecedented for at least the last 400 years and potentially the last several millennia" and that "human activities are responsible for much of the recent warming." Funny that he missed that, considering he's the Chairman of the Senate Environment and Public Works Committee.

To be fair though, Wikipedia notes that "In the 2002 election cycle oil and gas companies contributed more money to Inhofe's campaign than any other congressman except Texas senator John Cornyn. The contributions Inhofe has received from the energy and natural resource sector since taking office have exceeded one million dollars."

So who to believe? James Inhofe or the National Academy of Sciences?

Hmm... let me think...



Katherine Harris

And finally: "Probe Moves Closer To Harris" blared the headline in the St. Petersburg Times last week. No, Katherine Harris hasn't been abducted by aliens who are now in the midst of a curious intergalactic medical experiment - she's involved in an "escalating inquiry" into her contacts with defense contractor Mitchell Wade, who pleaded guilty to bribing Duke Cunningham earlier this year.

I noted in Idiots 242 that Harris had enjoyed a cozy $2,800 dinner with Wade, who also happened to give her $32,000 in illegal campaign contributions back in 2004. Now two of her former aides have been "invited" to an interview with the Justice Department.

Can it get any worse for Harris? Her campaign is beset by crashing poll numbers, resigning staffers, embarrassing gaffes and blunders - and now a widening investigation. With all these disasters it's hard to point to a single reason why Harris's campaign is one of the worst in history. Unless...

...maybe there is something to that intergalactic medical experiment after all.

We're not sure if there is going to be a Top 10 next week. Check back in a week to find out.

-- EarlG