I Need Some Help

[Irishonly]

Because of all of the chronic conditions I have I take anti depressants and suffer from PTSD and anxiety, however, I need help with my husband.

In December 2005, my husband found his brother's body. It was a messy scene. We had gotten an appointment for his brother to see a psychiatrist that morning but his brother just couldn't handle anymore. My husband beat the police and it was a horrible site. No one had the seven thousand for the state to come in and clean so he cleaned the mess and we paid the grand the place that cleans wanted.

He had a complete meltdown. He is now diagnosed with bipolar and suffers from anxiety as well as severe depressive episodes. Today he discovered he had lost his wallet and had a complete melt down. I was able to get everything canceled and there were no strange charges. I got his psychiatrist on the phone because I was having no luck getting him calmed down. Our seventeen year old daughter was scared to death. The dog was scared and through it all I didn't lose my temper even though he was screaming at me.

What do I do when he gets like this? The medication for anxiety finally kicked in but he is still beating himself up verbally. Help.

[Forkboy]

1. I can't imagine what's going through his mind.

Does he see a regular therapist or just the psychiatrist? A regular therapist would be far better if he isn't seeing one.The Psych's just hand out meds without really digging into the reasons WHY,and a therapist would give him the chance to talk,even though it may take awhile before he'd be comfortable doing so.

The trauma of not just his brother's death,but having to clean the scene,feeling helpless financially at the same time....I can't even imagine that,and what he's holding in right now.You did awesome in not losing your temper,because that will just increase the distance between you two.He needs to speak to a neutral person,and that's not meant as a knock against you.Don't let yourself be a doormat to anyone,but try to maintain as much understanding as you possibly can,and try to explain things as openly with your daughter as you can,if you don't already.

I'm no expert at all on any of this.Let me stress that!!!! I am bipolar,with serious anxiety and depression,but I don't have anyone around me to worry about.If he's scaring you and your daughter I'm sure he realizes that afterwards and feels like crap about it,which just turns it back in on himself starting the cycle over again,and deepening the condition.

That's sadly the only "advice" I can really offer,if he's not doing so already.A weekly therapist can be a pretty cool thing when someone feels things slipping out of control again.

Good luck to you all.

:hug:

[EFerrari]

2. I'm so sorry. You keep at that shrink until those meds are right.

Remember that I'm an English teacher, okay, not a doc but I can tell you my experience.

Anti anxiety meds only disinhibited my hubby's aggressive stuff when he decompensated. And at those moments, we were all in danger.

So, imho 1) Keep working with the doc to get appropriate meds -- and those might include anti-psychotics.

2) Put together a plan for your family to predict meltdowns and to keep the family safe during those meltdowns. You might even be able to enlist his help when he's himself. Doug and I came up with a plan where he would go lie down if he felt too upset. I didn't bother him and kept the house quiet until he felt better. I don't know if that would work for you but I put it out there as an example of how you might be able to work together.

3) Learn to use a communication tool (like SET) that you can use to try to communicate with your hubby when he's in the Zone.

In my case, it was really, really hard to break the sound barrier and get HEARD by the medical team. But I just kept at it. No thanks to them that I'm still alive. Get some back up, someone in your corner and BEND SOME EARS.

Be safe. And PM me anytime.

:hug: to your family.

Beth

[flamingyouth]

3. Hi Irishonly

I am so sorry to read all of this. Gosh, my heart goes out to you guys... I just feel terrible. You did the right thing by calling his doctor. :hug:

I am a survivor of suicide myself. My husband killed himself three years ago tomorrow and I have generalized anxiety disorder. I know you're going through your own health issues as well. I'll echo the helpful comments above about additional therapy for your husband. I'm lucky in that my psychiatrist is very good with talk therapy as well as prescribing meds, but not all are.

Do you think your husband would go to a support group? I only ask because some of us with anxiety and PTSD have problems with groups. There is a wonderful group called Survivors of Suicide. They are online and also have chapters nationwide. Also your local crisis clinic might be able to hook you up with a group that deals with grief and loss.

Everyone deals in their own way. I dove into every self-help book on the market practically. A friend recommended Judy Collins' book "Sanity and Grace," about her son's suicide. Once I finished it, I immediately re-read it. It helped me immensely.

When I went to the medical examiner's office to pick up my husband's effects, the coroner sat me down and told me that his daughter killed herself when she was in her early 20s. He kept saying, "You can't own this." And that has really stuck with me. Suicide changes us.

I can't tell you how much I feel for you and your husband. Please feel free to PM me at any time if you want to talk about anything.