Characteristics of narcissistic mothers

[shrike]

Anybody here besides me relate to this?

Wouldn't have to be your mom, though. Could be your dad -- or both parents.

http://www.geocities.com/zpg1957/narcissists.htm

1. Everything she does is deniable. There is always a facile excuse or an explanation. Cruelties are couched in loving terms. Aggressive and hostile acts are paraded as thoughtfulness. Selfish manipulations are presented as gifts. Criticism and slander is slyly disguised as concern. She only wants what is best for you. She only wants to help you.



She rarely says right out that she thinks you’re inadequate. Instead, any time that you tell her you’ve done something good, she counters with something your sibling did that was better or she simply ignores you or she hears you out without saying anything, then in a short time does something cruel to you so you understand not to get above yourself. She will carefully separate cause (your joy in your accomplishment) from effect (refusing to let you borrow the car to go to the awards ceremony) by enough time that someone who didn’t live through her abuse would never believe the connection.

snip

10. She manipulates your emotions in order to feed on your pain. This exceptionally sick and bizarre behavior is so common among narcissistic mothers that their children often call them “emotional vampires.” Some of this emotional feeding comes in the form of pure sadism. She does and says things just to be wounding or she engages in tormenting teasing or she needles you about things you’re sensitive about, all the while a smile plays over her lips. She may have taken you to scary movies or told you horrifying stories, then mocked you for being a baby when you cried, She will slip a wounding comment into conversation and smile delightedly into your hurt face. You can hear the laughter in her voice as she pressures you or says distressing things to you. Later she’ll gloat over how much she upset you, gaily telling other people that you’re so much fun to tease, and recruiting others to share in her amusement. . She enjoys her cruelties and makes no effort to disguise that. She wants you to know that your pain entertains her. She may bring up subjects that are painful for you and probe you about them, all the while watching you carefully. This is emotional vampirism in its purest form. She’s feeding emotionally off your pain.

snip

Not all narcissists abuse physically, but most do, often in subtle, deniable ways. It allows them to vent their rage at your failure to be the solution to their internal havoc and simultaneously to teach you to fear them. You may not have been beaten, but you were almost certainly left to endure physical pain when a normal mother would have made an effort to relieve your misery. This deniable form of battery allows her to store up her rage and dole out the punishment at a later time when she’s worked out an airtight rationale for her abuse, so she never risks exposure. You were left hungry because “you eat too much.” (Someone asked her if she was pregnant. She isn’t). You always went to school with stomach flu because “you don’t have a fever. You’re just trying to get out of school.” (She resents having to take care of you. You have a lot of nerve getting sick and adding to her burdens.) She refuses to look at your bloody heels and instead the shoes that wore those blisters on your heels are put back on your feet and you’re sent to the store in them because “You wanted those shoes. Now you can wear them.” (You said the ones she wanted to get you were ugly. She liked them because they were just like what she wore 30 years ago). The dentist was told not to give you Novocaine when he drilled your tooth because “he has to learn to take better care of his teeth.” (She has to pay for a filling and she’s furious at having to spend money on you.)

[mopinko]

1. as a less than perfect mom,

i relate, but probably not how you meant it.

[shrike]

2. My mom wouldn't be able to relate to this essay

Which is probably the difference between you and her. :)

We all have selfish impulses, so-called narcissistic tendencies. (Even me, ha ha.) I found this essay on a website describing personality disorders: borderline (BPD) and narcissistic (NPD). Which belong to the same cluster, so their traits probably intermingle a little.

My mom's never been diagnosed for anything to my knowledge, because the only therapist she ever stuck with told her (she said) that "nothing was her fault, and she didn't do anything wrong."

DH read the posted essay and insists that each of the 24 traits describes my mother perfectly. I'm still a bit in denial, I guess, or maybe I'm trying to give her a break.

If it makes you feel any better, while you may experience guilt as a Mom, we kids feel guilt, too, over our actions.

[mopinko]

3. oh, i am someone's daughter.

and she was not perfect, either. and my dad was an alcoholic, probably bp.
you know, those "narcissistic tendencies" are VITAL. we should not be ashamed of them. i think that the conflict between our own good and our children's good is the struggle of a lifetime. could you carry the guilt of a mother who was the opposite? what good does it do a child to have a mother with no sense of self?

[shrike]

4. I think having a sense of self is different from narcissism

In fact, as I understand it a true narcissist has no real sense of self, in the sense that we think of as healthy.

According to the limited criminal justice training I've had a psycopath is an extreme example of a narcissist. All narcissists don't turn into Ted Bundy, of course; plenty of them are probably very active in business and politics.

[mopinko]

5. business and politics- no doubt

i just think that the essay you posted smacks of someone externalizing everything, and blaming others. the person seems (to me) to be ducking all responsibility for who they are, and blaming everything on mom. don't take that as judgemental. its not meant to be. just pointing out that the writer is missing something, also. i have been on both sides of similar rants.

[shrike]

6. Unfortunately, the essay strikes home with me

Because it describes my mother's behavior so perfectly.

I am at a very good place in my life now, and with my relationships, because I have come to terms with how little she gave me.

I have also come to pity the isolation she must feel at this point in her life. All of her children (I am from a large family) keep their distances from her, some more than others. One sister rarely talks with her more than once a year. We have all discovered, the hard way, that it is the only way to be happy. Any attempt at closeness with her results in turmoil and trouble. I do my best to be kind and courteous when I do see her, reminding myself that she did give birth to me and that is worth something. This courtesy means that I also keep some distance and do not allow her to push my buttons; the only way to be close to her, unfortunately, is to allow her to push my buttons.

No one ever discusses it in my family, but my mother is our cross to bear. She is a burden, who gives very little in return, and I, at least, am resigned to the fact that this is how it will be, until she dies.

[DemExpat]

7. My Mom had aspects of this narcissism described in the essay.

And I can relate to your situation of having to keep your distance from your Mom to be able to create some stability and happiness in your life!

I had to do the same after I realized through therapy just how impossible she was to be close to without manipulation and mental abuse. I kept my distance from her while I was raising my 2 kids in order to keep myself relatively balanced and emotionally available for them.

Before she died though, I did tell her how I experienced her as her child (one of 5), - very confrontational and painful for us both - and how I also loved her as my dear Mom...I think I even thanked her for having me, giving me life. After this she never tried to push my buttons again.

She died suddenly a year or two after this from a brain aneurysm, and I am so glad that I had this painful but releasing talk with her.

DemEx

[shrike]

9. I hope to have the same kind of talk with my mom, before she passes

For better or worse, she made me what I am -- the good parts as well as the bad parts. The good ones did come out of adversity.

[CoffeeCat]

16. Wow, DemExpat---

Thanks for sharing that.

I think you are incredibly brave for daring to have that conversation with your mother. When you are
raised by a person like that, it is so easy to feel "small". What you did was very adult-like. Really,
you were almost parenting your mother--by being so selfless, intelligent, honest and centered.

That really is amazing.

I'm glad you were able to have that with your mother. It sounds like your conversation with her has
brought you peace, especially after she died.

I completely cut off contact with my mother 4 years ago, after she sided with my father, when I confronted
him about sexually abusing me when I was a child. After I cut off contact, I began healing. I felt as if I
escaped from a toxic dump. Also, I was adopted at birth, also--which has helped me to break ties. I have
no genetic/blood link to her or my father. After I healed a great deal, the "trauma bond" was broke--and
really, there was little left. It's so sad. When the hate and the disgust were processed--there just
wasn't a whole lot there. I often wonder why I didn't end up like her.

Light and peace to all who deal with these issues... :hug:

[mopinko]

8. it's a sad place to be.

had to go through pretty much the same thing myself. it wasn't that my mom was a narcissist. it was that she was trapped in a bad situation. she had little to give, because it was all sucked away. it might have been easier to hang on to the blame and the anger. seeing her humanity made that hard, but it didn't replace it with anything. just left me gazing into a void. it sucks to be a grown up.

take care, shrike. you gotta do what you gotta do.

[shrike]

10. Thanks for the sentiment

We all have to find our own way.

And I know people on the other side of the equation -- they have to take the same attitude with their KIDS.

Which must be VERY tough.

[mopinko]

11. yeah, i got a helping of that, too.

got a bipolar kid. she has come a long way, but it was a tough time for a while there. you get that extra helping of pain when the world thinks f'ed up kid= f'ed up mom. yumm.

[shrike]

12. Ah, tough, tough illness

I'd pick my troubles over bipolar illness anyday.

My best to you, and to her.

[Ladyhawk]

13. Wow. I've only read part of it and it sounds too much like my mother.

Especially this: "She violates your boundaries. You feel like an extension of her. Your property is given away without your consent, sometimes in front of you."

I'm trying to learn to love her anyway, but it's been hard. Before I "came out" as an atheist, a lot of these traits were somewhat hidden. After the shit hit the fan, I couldn't deny this stuff anymore. The reality of it causes heartache every single day.

On edit: quite a few of the characteristics don't fit her. If they all did, I think I'd be in worse shape. :) Still, a few things fit her to a T. I'm not sure what to make of her. I've never been sure. :shrug:

[murielm99]

14. My brother has had a lot of therapy.

He is the middle child, and the one I think my parents damaged the most.

I went with him to his therapist. She seemed to me to be the only person who understood how tough life was with our parents. I may have taken years for my brother to get her to understand it all. I know I would never be able to explain it simply.

Near the end of the session, I asked the therapist a question that I did not know was going to come out of my mouth. I asked her what was wrong with our mother. I knew that my dad enabled her to the hilt, but my mother was just too complicated to understand.

The therapist cautioned me that it was unprofessional and not really possible to come up with a good diagnosis without seeing the person. (She had never met my mother. Both of my parents were livid that their son was in therapy).

She said, given those caveats, that she thought my mother was probably narcissistic. It explained a lot.

Your description fits my mother. I live my life as a normal person by avoiding her as much as possible, and keeping any contact very superficial. I am 58 years old. My mother is 77. She still has the power to mess me up and hurt me if I allow her to get too close.

[melody]

15. Yup, that's my momma

There's a difference between narcissism and it's healthier, more humane twin that
equals self-love.

I'm also a very human mother, but I recognize that much of what my mother did, she did
because she chose to do so. She took her failures (and perceived lost grandeur) as an
excuse to verbally and physically abuse her children.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

17. Lots of recognition there.

Not all of it, but most of it.
Also my mom was a hoarder. Those people are incurable and don't want to change. Their stuff is more important than their children. I still have a lot of rage over my ruined childhood and the fact that it's taken me and my SO over 4 years to get the place cleaned out, more or less, and somewhat livable.

www.childrenofhoarders.com

I see some commonalities between these.