THE PROBLEM WITH SMALL TOWNS!

[dgibby]

A young salesman, assigned to a new territory and unsure of the area, paid a visit to our local Chamber of Commerce where my mother worked. He parked his car, and thinking he'd be there only a short time, fed the parking meter a few pennies. Unfortunately, he seriously underestimated my mother's gregariousness.

After what must have felt like an eon to him, he returned to his car to find a parking ticket tucked under the wiper blade. Knowing he wouldn't be back before his court date, he decided to pay the ticket before leaving town that day, and so, made his way to the courthouse, where he encountered the Chief of Police.

Hoping to talk his way out of the ticket, he poured on the charm, speaking in glowing terms of the beauty of our town and the surrounding Alleghany Mountains. When he realized his sales pitch was falling on deaf ears, he decided to go for broke. Apologizing profusely, he said, "Chief, I never meant to break the law, but I didn't think I'd be gone that long. I just couldn't get away from that lady at the Chamber of Commerce. She's nice, but she sure does talk a lot." At that point, the Chief looked up, grinned, and said, "Son, tell me about it. I've been married to her for thirty years, and I can't get away from her either. Then he added, that'll be $25.00 in cash 'cause we don't take out of town checks here."

We never saw that salesman again.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

1. Very simply,

to make your piece more readable, use separate paragraphs when writing conversations or when the subject changes, no matter how subtly. Like this:

A young salesman, assigned to a new territory and unsure of the area, paid a visit to our local Chamber of Commerce where my mother worked. He parked his car, and thinking he'd be there only a short time, fed the parking meter a few pennies.

Unfortunately, he seriously underestimated my mother's gregariousness.

(You should include here a sample of their conversation.)

After what must have felt like an eon (this isn't the right word, "eon") to him, he returned to his car to find a parking ticket tucked under the wiper blade.

Knowing he wouldn't be back before his court date, he decided to pay the ticket before leaving town that day, and so, made his way to the courthouse, where he encountered the Chief of Police.

Hoping to talk his way out of the ticket, he poured on the charm, speaking in glowing terms of the beauty of our town and the surrounding Alleghany Mountains. When he realized his sales pitch was falling on deaf ears, he decided to go for broke.

Apologizing profusely, he said, "Chief, I never meant to break the law, but I didn't think I'd be gone that long. I just couldn't get away from that lady at the Chamber of Commerce. She's nice, but she sure does talk a lot."

At that point, the Chief looked up, grinned, and said, "Son, tell me about it. I've been married to her for thirty years, and I can't get away from her either."

Then he added, "That'll be twenty-five dollars in cash 'cause we don't take out of town checks here."

We never saw that salesman again.


See the difference it makes, just to the reader's eye? And the spacing gives your story a sense of flow, movement, the old narrative arc everyone talks about.

Small hint - when you are using words, and you come to a number, always write out the number ("twenty-five dollars"). It's just one of those old rules that makes prose neater and smoother.

Good luck.

[dgibby]

2. Thank you!

This is my first attempt at writing anything other than tech. stuff. I'm trying to compile some old family stories to pass down to my nieces and nephews, and just want them to be readable and entertaining. Your advice is much appreciated.:hi:

[Tangerine LaBamba]

3. You did great

and that's a noble mission, to make a history for the kids. I can't think of a better project.

Anytime, dg.................................

[dgibby]

4. My sister and I

are now the older generation, so if I don't get this done, it will be lost, and I can't bear to think of that happening. We're from the South, so you know there's a rich history there. We always kept our crazy relatives in the living room to provide the entertainment, instead of locked away in the attic!

I think I read that you are a professional writer. Didn't you just get a book published? I can only imagine the work that goes into that! I have to take a nap just thinking about it! Congrats! So nice of you to take the time to help me with my project!

[Tangerine LaBamba]

5. Oh, Southern stories......................

The South has given us some of the greatest writers - Eudora Welty and Walker Percy are my particular favorites. Dr. Percy was a friend of mine, which was a rich experience in itself.

But gather those stories and don't worry about the quality of the writing. I suspect you couldn't write badly if you tried. Just don't let any of them slip away.

Isn't it funny how one moment we're the kids, looking up, and then suddenly, we're looking down at these little people, wondering how we got to be so tall?

Again, good luck, and if I can help, don't hesitate to PM me.

[dgibby]

6. Or:

Looking into the bathroom mirror and wondering how that old lady got into the house undetected?

[Tangerine LaBamba]

7. I look in the mirror,

and I still see a fourteen-year-old.

Let's not discount those delusions that hold us together.......................

[dgibby]

8. That's the one that lives in my head!

[Orrex]

9. Welcome to the Writing Group, dgibby!

I confess that I've been reluctant to post a response in large part because I'm not quite sure what you're going for with this piece. It's a nice anecdote, but is it intended to stand on its own as a piece of flash fiction? Or is it meant as a brief excerpt of a larger work? Honestly, it sounds like Character A telling a story to Character B.

In this regard it's effective, though I'd just about swear that I've heard it before. Comparatively minor issues like paragraph breaks have been mentioned already. I would add that, for as brief a piece as this is, you could actually pare down the dialogue a little. Consider removing "tell me about it," for example--it works just as well without it. And definitely make sure that your quotation marks are in the right places.

One minor point: $25.00? Did he park in a handicapped space? The setting seems to be folksy and small-town, so that seems like an oddly high amount. I mean, I live in a small town, and a parking ticket runs about $6.00. Also--for as long as I can remember, I don't think I've ever seen a parking meter that takes pennies. Do they really exist? They might, for all I know, but I've never seen one AFAIK.


Thanks for sharing your work with us, and good luck in revision?

[dgibby]

10. Thanks!

I appreciate your input. I'm trying to put together a collection of family anecdotes for my nieces and nephews, and sharpen my writing skills at the same time.
The story is true. It happened to my parents, probably in the mid to late 50's, and yes, there really were parking meters that took pennies. I used to help my dad count them. Would love to have all that copper now! He collected the Indian Heads, so my job was to help him find them. He'd then replace them with his own money. I wasn't more that about six at the time, and thought I was hot stuff! lol! As for the $25.00, I winged that one, but it probably wasn't more than $15.00.
Again, thanks. I welcome your advice.:hi:

[Orrex]

11. Ah!

I wasn't thinking as far back as the 50's. I guess that pennies bought a bit more time back then!

I think that the collection of anecdotes is a great idea. Do you intend to record them true to life, or will you be sort of fictionalizing them, combining them into a cohesive narrative whole?

[dgibby]

12. True to life

I want the kids to know their crazy ancestors/kinfolk. I'm sure some of the things I've been told have been embellished, but I want to stick with the truth re: the things I've actually experienced.

I got the idea while talking with one of my nephews, who just happens to be a couple of years older than I am. I was shocked when he told me he didn't feel like he knew my dad very well. I thought that odd, since he and his sister used to spend summers with us.

Looking back,I realized he had mistaken my dad's shyness for aloofness. I decided then I needed to tell his story. I would hate to think his grandchildren never really got to know him.

My sister is 72 and I'm 62, so I figured I'd better get a move on if I'm going to get this done before they cart us off to the home!