rough night tonight

[jtuck004]

5. It probably won't make you feel any better if I tell you that you won't ever get over it.

But what you WILL learn to do is manage it. And I know how.

She was just one of several over the years, but I got Maggie from a rescue. Big, black, near 100 lbs. She peed all the way across Petsmart (where the rescue had her in one of the kennels from which they were showing animals) because she was so scared, so afraid of people. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but I worked with her, learned from her, perhaps more than any other we have had. We went from basic obedience to where she blossomed, agility, (Funny seeing bigger dogs doing that stuff). It was there that she seemed to catch on that she had a place in the world. After that she became a therapy dog, and went from being afraid of everyone to bringing comfort and approaching people who would be in the hospital for weeks upon weeks. (You have no idea how astounded or emotional I was when she walked over to a complete stranger in the hospital for the first time and put her head in their lap. Or the night that the guy reached from his bed to her back, and laid there sobbing as she helped him ease the pain which had been buried for so long).

Ten years after we got her, in 2003, I had to leave Oklahoma and go to California on business. Got to my destination, and there was a call from my wife. Maggie had walked into the other room and collapsed, and it was over. I dropped what I was doing, turned around, walked back out the door, and went home. 6 months later I felt much like you are describing. By the time a year had passed, however, it had gotten easier to manage. As the years went by, it got easier to think about the good times and the bond we had, to think about her and not my loss. And, of course, there have been and are others, and they take up most of my thoughts now. I could drop back in a moments notice, but that would be about me and my needs, not about her. Besides, it wouldn't help her, and others need me now.

You aren't alone. And I know you didn't ask for advice, but here's some anyway. If you want to feel better, go walk some dogs at the shelter. Or get some treats or something and just go say hello to some of them. This is a hard time of year for dogs in shelters, (if there is ever an easier time) and if yours is like most cities, some will never leave there. You could be the last person that brings them a little comfort. It might be difficult, but it will be a damn sight harder for them, I suspect. Or find a food pantry that helps pets and see if you can do a little for one or some of them, because they often don't get funding for pets, just people. Believe me, there is something you can do, because there is a lot of need out there.

And what you will find is that as you do that, and you begin to think about them. they will return that favor by taking a little of your pain away. If you can find some to pet and hold, you may find that it just flows out of you like a river.

I say this because it sounds like you are a little overwhelmed with it all right now, and there is no need to bear it all on your own. Dogs have a limitless capacity for taking that pain from you, no matter how much you bring them. Go try it and see what happens.

We will have some good thoughts for you both.