When did you come out to your family?

[RetiredTrotskyite]

34. I Came Out to my Mother at 19

Actually, she found a letter I wrote to a friend and when she confronted me, I said to myself "Bleep it" and came out. It didn't go all that well, though she didn't throw me out of the house. It was more of an uneasy truce for nearly 30 years, mostly her not wanting to hear anything about it. My ex-wife was way better about it when we finally divorced--we actually stayed very good friends until her passing in 1993 (it was back when it was thought marriage would "cure" being GLBT--it didn't). She said she wanted me to be happy and if I wasn't happy being married to her, then she was willing to let me go.

Finally, in 2005 I went home for a visit. By then I had met a wonderful man and we made plans to marry. I decided I was tired of living in silence about my life just to please my mom so I told her I was engaged to marry a man. To my complete shock--and joy, she said she was happy for me and wished me all the best. I asked her what prompted such a big change of heart and she said "I don't have that long to live--she'd had a stroke seven years before--and when I die, I want to know that you are happy and OK. If marrying a man will do that, then so be it." This was extra-special because she was a pretty-much dyed-in-the-wool Missouri Synod Lutheran--not fanatic, but it took a lot of work for her to overcome a basically Edwardian German upbringing. Later I found out that my cousin and several of her caregivers had been talking with her (she "outed" me to them, but no problem since none of them are particularly homophobic) and got her to see that being gay is not a choice and it is not something that one can change without being really messed up). I know how hard it must have been for her to work her way past a lifetime of conditioning and I appreciate her efforts more than words can say.

This is why, when fundies tell me that they cannot change their views, I think of my devoutly (though not fanatically) Missouri Synod Lutheran mom and how she managed to work through her previous homophobia to reach out to my husband and me, attend our wedding and even accept my husband as her son-in-law. It isn't that views can't change...I suspect many fundies just don't want to give up prejudices that they are comfortable with. If she could do it at age 89 or so, there is no reason that younger people can't do so--the will just isn't there.

In 2007, we set a firm date and sent the invitations out for our wedding. To my great happiness my mom said she would be there in Windsor, Canada to see us married. When we came down and I introduced my husband to be to her, he address her as "Mrs. So and So" and she said, "No, call me mom"--and she completely accepted him as her son-in-law. I still smile because she cried at our wedding, but looking at her, i could see that they were tears of happiness.


Anyhow that is my little coming out story, even if it took over three decades to come to a good conclusion.