Advice wanted for great relationship... gone...

[ClusterFreak]

**Posting this then heading to work... checking back in after I get home**

I've been a DU member for 16 years, and I have to say this is the first time I've felt so nervous about posting anything. Ever. I guess because it's about a personal relationship with a female friend. **deeeep breath** Ok, here goes...

I'm currently in the throes of what was a budding relationship that went suddenly and jarringly off the rails. First, a little backstory. She and I met last summer at work and have been platonically friendly ever since. I know this is a place where progressive thought prevails so I suspect most of you won't blink at the age difference involved. I'm 55 and she's 35. I'm not an ageing Don Juan, not by any stretch. I'm basically shy and when I meet a woman I like it tends to be because we've spent a lot of time together working at close quarters. I'm not now, nor have I ever been what you would call a 'pick up artist'. I suddenly feel like I'm in the middle of the McCarthy hearings lol.

Anyway, Sarah (not her real name) and I pretty much hit it off right away. I was responsible for training her/showing her the ropes on her first day, and that's when the first sparks appeared. I was pleasantly surprised to learn we had a great deal of interests in common, foremost amongst them were a mutual love of Seinfeld and the Simpsons. The first 10 years of the Simpsons, that is haha! But of course our attraction was much more than that, as time would soon reveal. We shared a sense of humor yes, but we soon learned we simply enjoyed each other's company, and perhaps in spite of our age gap enjoyed a similar taste in movies, popular culture, and I guess just in our general outlook on life.

As time went by we tended to rely more and more on texting to communicate, since we rarely actually worked together. We texted Seinfeldian and other kinds of jokey memes and silly stuff for the most part, and to be honest never got flirtatious in either our written language or in person demeanor. We just never really went there. Both of us I think were just comfortable and happy enough in where we were and were going that we never ventured into those waters. Waters which can be choppy if not downright dangerous as we all know too well. Workplace romances are a BIG gamble. So, why ruin everything by inserting high schoolish sexual innuendo into our texts and our in person communications.

From last summer until this January, Sarah and I never got together outside of work. There were signs however that things were changing, beginning in December. And she was the one who took the first bold step. Made the first move. She followed that one up, with several others. First, during one of our texting sessions, Sarah suggested we ought to get together for beer (and pierogies lol) sometime. I agreed, happily, and said absolutely let's do that once all the Covid restrictions are eased up enough, etc. That first move she made, made me very happy. I always liked her, and was open to the possibility of socializing outside of work, but if we both had to wait for me to make the first move... well, we might still be waiting lol. Second, in early January another sign the times were a' changing. One day she was filling in at work for someone and so we would be working together for the first time in probably a few months. I remember it clearly. It's hard to forget because she showed up that day sporting a large gift for me. A poster-sized and heavy wood piece of Seinfeld wall art!! For the uninitiated it was the famous or infamous Kramer painting - the "loathsome, offensive brute" painting - and I loved it! However I was a bit uneasy to receive such a gift like this in front of our coworkers - people talk - but I did nonetheless with grace and a sense of dispatch so as not to make Sarah think I didn't appreciate her thoughtfulness.

Third and fourth. Things started to really change. Later in January one Saturday we were texting our usual fun nonsense when, completely out of the blue, Sarah invited herself to my apartment. It was all very odd and very forced. But I also have to say, it was very, very welcome. Anyway we were texting when she peculiarly asked me what I thought of the Lord of the Rings movies. I said I hadn't seen them and to be honest wasn't really into those kinds of films, but her plan was already in motion and my seeming indifference didn't matter. She said she would put them on a flash drive, along with a few choice music docs because I told her I liked those, and hand deliver them to my place - 20 miles from hers - the next day. Which she did. Along with... her Mom. I know what you're thinking. So did I. And so am I. Still. Anyway, that's another conversation. And fourth... about two weeks later, February 9th to be exact. This time, a couple of days prior, she invited herself over - sans Mom - for our first one on one, in the same room, social visit. She stayed four hours. We played Trivial Pursuit. The whole time lol. We hugged before she left, and that was it. All was good, although I did second guess myself in that I didn't take the opportunity of us being alone at my place to "make a move". To me, it didn't feel right. Yet. What was the hurry? Anyway I felt we were both going in the same direction, although she perhaps was moving a little quicker than I. That was okay though. Or was it.

This is where things start to go off the rails. And they did. Quickly. And precipitously. A few days later, I asked her if she'd like to get together again. Her text tone - normally upbeat, sunny, happy-go-lucky, and literally teeming with emojis of every positive stripe - was NOT good. It was grey, dull, and decidedly disinterested. Her response, to paraphrase, was that she'd be taking the weekend to herself to get ready to start her new job the following week. (She worked somewhere else too). I was fine with that, although a little concerned by the noticeable, darker change in tone. And frankly, the fact that she made no attempt to say something like "another time would work" or "how about a raincheck?" was disconcerting to me. Considering I'd twice welcomed her into my home over the previous half month, I felt I was entitled to nothing more or less than a tactful 'no'. I still feel that way. Anyway, I gracefully accepted her 'no' but expressed my concerns if everything was okay, if she was feeling okay, if we were etc. Next... I got a rapid fire response... ratta-tat-tat... which lit my fuse, and well, things have not been the same since. She said: "I don't share photos, I don't want to hang out this weekend I can't hang out all the time anyway". A little context, the 'share photos' stuff was because I'd just sent her a cute pic of me with my fam as a kid and I kidded her if she had something similar. Annnnn-yway...

What the hell was that?

Things went downhill quickly. And I blame myself almost entirely for the falling out that has sustained to this day. Almost. I over-reacted and let my emotions take over. I didn't like what she said and how she said it. I let her know in no uncertain terms. I felt I had been denied a tactful reply to my question - which I was - but in all honesty I went overboard. I made a federal case out of it, turned it into the crime of the century almost. I was so smitten with this girl I think, that I placed her up on a pedestal, and when you do that to someone they don't have a lot of room up there to move around. They might slip and fall. And when they do, it can be a long way down. Unfair of me in the extreme. I apologized profusely to her for doing that. I also said I was sorry if she had expected more from our 4 hour visit at my place, and that I didn't want to make a clumsy move which might end up embarrassing us both. Which is true... cuz I AM romantically interested, just not rushing. The upshot of all of what happened and the unravelling of our relationship which followed, is that she has not spoken to me since. It's been more than two months. And I am heartsick about all of it.

I know I was wrong to become so angry over her flippant "don't want to hang out" comments, but I also know her version of things - that she said absolutely nothing wrong - isn't correct either. On a scale of one to ten, her comments I think were about a two or three in terms of nastiness, but my reaction was a completely unwarranted 8 or 9. I should've and could've reacted with calm resolve and finesse, using my brain instead of my bruised male ego as a battering ram. Next time she might've suggested we do something socially, I could've been a little nonchalant about my interest, and left it at that. Point made. Quietly and without a lot of jumping around like an ape.

Reading back what I've just written, I admit this all sounds like a badly written version of a John Hughes high school movie from the 80's, but it's all true and what matters, matters to me at least, is how much I am hurting inside because of what's happened between Sarah and I.

After two plus months of silence from her, and after several written attempts at me making things right (right away she told me no phone calls) I am also starting to feel less and less like the bad guy in all this, and more like the only adult in this relationship. The 20 year difference in our ages shouldn't account for her acting like a teenager should it? Refusing to talk to me or to acknowledge anything untoward in how she replied. The woman is 35, not 15. She's just acting like it.

I just want my friend back, whether or not we were meant to be more than that would be determined by time. At the time of this writing the chances of any of this happening do not look good. My feeling - possibly anchored in delusion - is that she WAS and IS upset that I didn't nut up and take a romantic chance with her when she visited me for those four hours on that lovely afternoon. And if "hell hath no fury" is to be believed... then I may be up the creek without a paddle for some time - if not eternity - to come.

I hope not.

Help!

p.s. please!!