Today is a sad day for my wife and I

[qwlauren35]

112. It's funny.

When people talk about chanting for me, I am uncomfortable. But for someone else, if they needed it and it was a close friend, I'd be down on my knees beside them.

For most of my chanting life, I did not chant for myself or my own problems. I chanted for my family as a whole, for individual members, sometimes for the happiness of people I was struggling with. In fact, I remember having a list of about 35 people I was chanting for. I would chant and imagine them being happy. I remember chanting for someone's marriage. I remember chanting for my sisters and I to have harmony. I remember chanting for an end to a war we had about 35 years ago. Don't remember which one.

I did not quit because I thought it was a hoax, as some may, but because it was too difficult, with being ADHD/bipolar, to feel that I was doing it right. It never gave me peace, I was never able to empty my mind.

After about 27 years, I gave myself permission to stop trying. I went taiten and the world did not end, I did not fall apart, I was not miserable, or at least not more miserable than I already was, sometimes.

A friend started chanting a few years ago and asked why I quit. I think I told her that it wasn't right for me. May have said some other things. But that's the gist of it. She still chants and I am happy for her.

More than you needed to hear.

If you got this far, thanks for listening. I definitely did not feel uncomfortable chanting for your mother-in-law. It was for her and for you and your wife. Love is a powerful thing, and you loved her. That is worth honoring with Sansho.