I used to tear down others to lift myself up

[nadine_mn]

So here we go - confessions of former "hater"

I never realized the extent of which I did this behavior, I never meant it intentionally (as in if I knew I was going to be seeing someone, I would plan out a list of things to say to smack them down) - it usually just flew out of my month. Mostly around family - cousins in particular - but pretty much I have done it to lots of people.

After a family gathering, I always felt like shit afterwards - I would play back in my head what happened, realized what I said in my moment of insecurity, and felt an intense amount of shame because I know how much words can hurt (esp when spoken to you by family). And sure enough, I would do it again. I started to avoid being around people because I felt like I had no control over my toxicity.

I know where I learned to tear down in order to make yourself look better - my mom is the queen of it. Always comparing me to anyone and everyone, and no matter what I did it was never enough. I internalized that into my everyday thinking.

If I saw friends or family post good news on facebook, I would constantly have to remind myself of something "bad" about them that somehow made me ok. And this cycle of feeling like a shitty person would continue.

Two things have happened - really good therapy and change in my medications, and more importantly - distancing myself from the most toxic person in my life. I didn't really notice any changes - I have just been plugging along one day at a time - beating myself up for random transgressions etc.


This past weekend was a family gathering - a party for an uncle who was retiring. I had to attend, but dreaded it because I felt it would be a repeat of what happened in the past (me feeling like a failure and then saying something hurtful, and then feeling even worse). Also this has been a pretty shitty year - I am long term unemployed, husband just lost his job so our finances are shaky, I had a mental breakdown earlier in the year, our 17 yr old cat died, our other two pets are old and need lots of care, I am extremely overweight and just not really feeling my best.

All I wanted to do was to get through the day. But weirdly - as I greeted my cousins and celebrated their successes and good events: engagement, new job, wonderful son who just enlisted, happy relationships, each looking fantastic - I was genuinely and sincerely happy for them. I didn't try to sugar coat or make my situation look better (basically just said eh things are sucky right now but we are getting through it) or try to downplay anything of theirs.

I didn't make a conscious effort to not be an asshole - it just happened. That negative shitty voice in my head (that sometimes spoke out loud) wasn't there - no second guessing, no insecurity, no unrealistic comparisons. It felt amazing. Being able to truly celebrate and focus on them was great. At the time I wasn't thinking "hey - look I'm not being a dick", but when I got home and did the replay in my head - realized that we all had a good time - better than we ever had since we were kids.


Anyway the whole reason I am posting this is because when I listen to Trump and his supporters I hear so much of that tearing down to make Trump look better - and its tearing down everyone: media, reporters, Hillary, women, people of color, former business partners etc. I don't expect Trump to feel any remorse because honestly I don't believe he can. But so many of the women surrogates who spew out garbage constantly on any cable show that will have them - I assume some of them have normal human emotions. I know I felt like shit and the comments I made were random & petty - the stuff these women (and they are mostly women) are saying is just vile. It sounds like a cliche, but really how can they sleep at night?

Every election has it's ugly moments - but this election is just disgusting. Everyone who listens or watches or reads anything from the Trump or GOP is infected with this negativity. The ramifications I think are going to last long after November 8th. It truly saddens me because I know how sick I would feel after hurting someone - imagining millions of other people with that same feeling of sickness just really make me wish we could somehow hug it all out.