i was walking the pooch and thinking how this is going to be my 4th mother's day without my mom and suddenly decided i was going to go out and buy a card for her (which i haven't done for 3 mother's days now).
i put some tissues in my pocket, envisioning myself reading the cards and crying, trying to pick out the right one. as it turned out, the aisle was very crowded as i turned into it. i stopped, a card caught my eye right away, i picked it up and read it. that was the right card. there were no tears. i glanced at few others, but i had found the perfect one right away.
on my way home i said to myself: my god--you're crazy. and after a moment i added: so what? who the fuck cares?
i sat down and wrote quite a bit inside the card. it had an interior page and i filled that and the back of it along with the back of the card. it wasn't so much of an "update" to my mom -- (because i think she is most definitely still around--the night before my daughter & i were on the couch talking and i got a whiff of my mom's scent/perfume; i glanced over at her chair and told my daughter "she's here--just like before when the three of us would all sit around & talk"
-- but i poured out my emotions into the card (and cried over every word i wrote). i put it in the envelope, wrote her name on it, and slipped it into a journal type of book that i use to write/communicate with her.
it's reassuring to know i'm not the only one giving their mom a card in spite of such circumstances.
even tho i was very emotional as i wrote in that card it did make me feel good--it gave me the opportunity to acknowledge the fact that she still is my mom (always was and always will be) for as long as i'm on this earth.
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