It Has Been Almost a Year.

[Hekate]

45. Like you, I saw it in the news a year ago. I knew what "pandemic"

...meant, though it seemed inconceivable that — no, actually, what we are going through now did not seem “inconceivable” with Trump at the helm, not after all he had already done to hollow out the federal government. Just ghastly.

My TKR (total knee replacement) in February was among the last handful of elective surgeries at our hospital, which was already taking great precautions. I thank whatever gods may be that I did it then, because all of 2019 I could scarcely move for the pain, and if I’d waited I would still be in that condition.

I missed saying goodby to my 71 year old brother this year, but his death was from COPD, not COVID, and appears to have been peaceful. When a friend came knocking to check on him, he was gone, sitting on his couch with a glass of whiskey in his hand. My other sibs & I couldn’t make it out to Oregon to see him beforehand ... the thousands of miles, the multiple airports, the holiday crowds at the end of last year, COVID looming on the horizon like the massing of black clouds, then suddenly it was January 2020 and the world was shutting down.

My sis did travel — a required company retreat in January, after which she came down with some crud that left her gasping for air. Two trips to the ER before they admitted her for 5 days for this mystery crud. Many months later, turns out she has COVID antibodies. Well, well. I almost lost my sister, too.

I tried to get prepared to hunker down, but I was laid up and couldn’t drive. My husband works from home, and he was touchingly worried about me and my rehab: he took very good care of me, but I simply could not get him with the program of prepping for lockdowns and shortages. So all of that waited until I could drive by myself again.

NOW he gets it.

In March I laid off my cleaning ladies. They used to come twice a month, and that schedule was perfect for making us pick everything up and put it away the day before they cleaned. Yes, I was spoiled. Yes, I know how to do housework. Yes, I really miss them. I sent them money for a couple of months, hoping things would normalize, but it never did. I hope they are alright.

But my one goal is to stay alive until this is over.

My BIL and family think I’m making too much of this. I miss them and their warmth and good humor.

My daughter is an anti-vaxxer who thinks the flu she and her kids had in February was probably COVID and that they are immune now — I told her she better damn well hope she’s right, as regards immunity. She thinks masks are stupid, but kind of wears them here. Finally Dec 10 I emailed her to let her know we really can’t have her and the kids here, and explained all my medical conditions, and then explained that contact tracing is not a straight line, but extends to everyone she has been with and all the people they have been with. Not that I got to see the grandkids that much, but I miss them too.

My one goal is to live through this terrible time, but I still cried when I wrote that email. I’m crying now.

At some point this year the phrase “Next year in Jerusalem” floated out of my subconscious and I knew it was shorthand for all of the longings and all of the losses of this year.

Next year I see my grandkids again and hold them tight. Next year my remaining brother and sister and I fly from the ends of the country to meet in Oregon to have a small wake for our brother who is gone. Next year maybe this country regains its sanity. Next year in Jerusalem. Next year the Promised Land.

My goal is to live to see it.