July 1, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-3: Nobody Expects The Democratic Inquisition Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-3: Nobody Expects The Democratic Inquisition Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! How’s everybody doing? Are you guys doing fucking good? I know, right? We’re taking a break for the July 4th holiday next week but when we come back on the 15th I have a bit of a sneak preview for Top 10 #9-4: We’re going to deviate from our standard format a bit and just tear into the top 10 biggest douchebags, assholes, and psychopaths in the world of all time (or at least the last 4 years), and I can guarantee that you will like this edition. Much like a Time or People Hot 100, it’s going to get very real very fast! There will even be a special edition of Holy Shit that will tackle the biggest religious asshats of all, like Kenneth Copeland, Paula White, Rick Wiles, and Jerry Falwell Jr. So that’s what you can expect in the next two weeks. Now, do we have time for the thing? Of course we do. Look people, we are all bored and we hate not having the freedoms we used to have before COVID showed up. And I want to get to touring and getting the Top 10 back on the road as much as the next person. I’m tired of talking about the virus too. But don’t risk your life going to a concert right now, and who the fuck is Chase Rice? Seriously, there’s far more important things that you can do right now, but shot gunning beers and line dancing at a country music concert definitely isn’t one of them. Hey look, I love live music too, it’s one of my favorite things in life. But it can definitely wait, and if you do this now, the virus is going to have the last laugh. I need to get that off my chest. OK enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to, but first John Oliver breaks down the forthcoming economic collapse caused by Coronavirus:



Where do we begin this week? Well this week, the top slot again goes to the guy who inexplicably is still our president, Donald J. Trump (1). So the word from intel is that Trump may have been involved in a deal with Russia that cost the lives of American soldiers in Afghanistan! Gee, Trump In the second slot this week, maybe there’s some aspects of humanity that just aren’t worth saving, like the White Male Groper’s Club (2) and there are a lot of these stories lately, and they range from completely disgusting to absolutely horrifying! At the third slot this week is right wing COVID deniers (3). If COVID is the Spanish Flu, version 2.0, then we have our own version of 1918’s anti-mask league, and their arguments are literally like something out of a deranged Youtube comments section. At the fourth slot this week, we’re going to play a game of “Is It Racist?” (4) featuring everyone’s favorite pancake syrup mascot, Aunt Jemima, and is it racist? You bet your ass it is! Taking the fifth slot this week is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5) and is it really time for theme parks like Disneyland to reopen? This could possibly be a very bad and very dangerous idea given that coronavirus hasn’t really gone away yet. Taking the 6th slot this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit”, and this week our resident pastor is going to follow the Dark One to the one time he actually goes to a church, and well, it’s anything but religious! In the 7th slot this week, is a new “Beating A Dead Horse”, and after a popular right wing meme maker gets the heave ho after a retweet from Trump, Trump fans are flocking to a new free-speech friendly social media site called “Parler” and we will tell you about it. In the 8th slot this week, in a world with no sports, people are starved for entertainment and flocking to extremely dangerous unregulated ones like cockfighting, and we’re going to ask: “Underground Cockfighting: How Is This Still A Thing?” (8). In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week we’re going to have another edition of our favorite segment, “People Are Dumb” (9) because even the deadliest pandemic in a century hasn’t stopped people from being stupid! Finally this week, is the Road To The White House (10) and this week we’re going to talk about a potentially untapped voter base – Joe Biden is actually winning with evangelicals and may flip congregations for the first time in almost 40 years! How does he do it? Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]The GOP
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Since last year, even way before COVID-19 was discovered and the shit hit the fan, the Trump brand was already becoming toxic. Well, as we are putting this together, Kentucky and Colorado and Utah are finishing up their primaries, and it may be a while before we see the results. But it seems that while the Trump brand is becoming as toxic as your local sewage treatment plant in the middle of a hot summer day, it seems that Trump is losing on multiple levels. I don’t want to say that the GOP is done, finished because that would be getting too ahead, but it definitely feels like people have had enough of their bullshit. And it’s showing too! Nobody expects the Democratic Inquisition!





Yeah how awesome is that? Oh and what’s even more awesome? It seems that people aren’t buying Trump’s hard-in stance on the 2nd amendment either! The 2nd amendment people have been turning up at protests and that’s been causing people to really see how toxic right wing politics can really get. So by now you’ve probably seen the husband and wife team that pointed guns at protestors? Well actions do have consequences!





Yes, totally rejected! So Trump is toxic, the 2nd amendment is toxic, is there anything associated with the GOP that is not toxic? Well, money maybe. But even that’s becoming toxic depending on what causes it’s being spent on. And if you’re expecting or dreading a Trump tweet, be aware that it can hurt or help both sides equally. If Trump supports you, you know that person is going to be one of the caliber of character that supports him, and that’s not good!





Oh and by the way, if you think that Trump is done, in his mind, he is definitely not. But he thinks that he is. The coronavirus has put his sheer incompetence on display for the entire world to see. While other countries are starting to enjoy things like travel again, we’re only wishing what that was like. Instead, the real virus is sitting in the White House, and it’s going to take a lot to knock him out. His endorsements are being seen as a huge lie!







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[font size="8"]The White Male Groper’s Club
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Story time, kids! Gather around! Not too close, we must adhere to the guidelines. Let me tell you a story. Wayyyyyyyyyy back in the year 2018 – which was a much simpler time before coronavirus, the big plague infecting the land was the White Male Groper’s Club. Yes, some huge names in show business – primarily white male celebrities like Kevin Spacey, Jeremy Piven, Bryan Singer, and Harvey Weinstein were caught sexually harassing young women (and also men) and engaging in some serious criminal activity. Now the White Male Groper’s Club is back and rebooted for version 2.0. This time it’s younger actors and stand up comedians who are being exposed for the criminal grab assers that they are! First up – the star of Baby Driver, one of my favorite movies of the last few years, Ansel Elgort!





Seriously, Kevin Spacey *AND* Ansel Elgort? How the hell did they manage that one? But what is really becoming of the entertainment industry is the world of standup comedy. Yes, the world once made popular by the likes of Jerry Seinfeld and Rodney Dangerfield is currently populated with some real pieces of shit, like Chris D’elia and Jeffrey Ross, for instance. Let’s get into that. And Chris D’elia is a friend of Trump’s BFF Joe Rogan too.





I really hope cats aren’t involved! So we’re currently fighting two pandemics – COVID-19 and serial womanizing. How is it that these creeps are able to get away with the crap that they are able to get away with? Well they’re rich white males for one thing. And if you’re a rich white male in showbiz that happens to be in a popular TV show or movie, man, you got it made! Oh , and then there’s Danny Masterson. Yeah fuck that shit. And he’s got the Church Of Scientology on his side!





Seriously guys, send him to Sea Org, or that weird branch of Scientology that kidnaps and tortures people. Oh I’m sorry, they *ALLEGEDLY* kidnap and torture people. What? No, I am not apologizing to the Church Of Scientology. But it does seem that sexual harassers are a dime a dozen and it doesn’t matter what industry they are involved in. They’re everywhere. What about the owners? Oh yeah there’s that.






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[font size="8"]COVID Deniers
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Hey anti-maskers, there’s something that I’ve been meaning to get off my chest for the last two months so excuse the all caps. WE HATE WEARING MASKS TOO!!!! It’s not a political statement, though Trump and his goons would most certainly like to make it one. But as long as Coronavirus is still a thing, we either all have to abide by the rules, or we all don’t. And you know what? Just roll the fucking tape, this is beyond insane.



Seriously, that reminds me of the town hall meetings from Parks & Rec. Look, no one likes wearing masks, and we all want this fucking virus to go away. So the sooner we all do it, the sooner we can all get rid of this beast. Get how that works?





OK, dude. Don’t wear the mask. But when you get COVID, leave the ICU beds for the people who actually need it, OK? And Florida is not the only state in the country where this debate is heating up, my own county – Orange County, CA, is having this insanity. Really folks, don’t come here right now, we’re the Florida of California. And it pains me to say that. But really, shut the fuck up.





Sigh……….. fucking idiots like this are why we can’t have nice things, like a world where Coronavirus doesn’t exist. Better get used to the virtual world everybody, you might not be seeing the real one for a very long time thanks to these morons. Where’s the Matrix simulator when you need it? But why is this even a debate? If you want things to go back to normal, you should get on this. If not, you’re part of the problem!





Yeah probably. So mask, no mask, what’s the difference? it’s your own fucking health, and to stop a very easily transmittable virus from exploding exponentially! Doesn’t matter what state you live in, every single state has their fair share of these people, and we’d run out of time trying to list them all. You don’t have to like wearing a mask, just don’t act like a fucking idiot when you’re asked to have some common courtesy in public during this pandemic.






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[font size="8"]Is It Racist?
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Hey everyone! It’s time to play the hot new game that’s sweeping the nation!



And the answer to that question? If you have to ask, it’s probably racist! Wait, no, you shouldn’t be cheering for that one. But there’s a been a lot of racism in the news this week with the fallout from the protests stemming from the death of George Floyd last month. One of the biggest changes in the world of racism is coming in your supermarket breakfast aisles. Yes, two of America’s most beloved products – Uncle Ben’s Rice, and Aunt Jemima syrup, are both products of the Davis Milling Company, originally from St. Joseph, Missouri. That product was then bought by the Quaker Oats Company, and the character remained. But guess what? That character might be a bit racist. But this might be an overtly stupid portrayal of the original character.





Seriously, that happened! Miss, you might want to use that thing called “Google” or even that thing called “Wikipedia” before you say something that stupid again. Really, this is why we can’t have nice things people! And no, it’s not cancel culture that’s coming for your beloved advertising mascot, it’s common sense. But what about a complimentary product of Aunt Jemima, Uncle Ben’s rice? Yup, that’s getting retired as well!





Gee, ya think? Although it’s great to see a company like ConAgra Brands take a stand against racism by retiring or changing the name of some of its’ most beloved advertising characters. Even Mrs. Butterworth is getting the axe. But not to be outdone, while we must present equal viewpoints here, the family of the woman who portrayed and was the basis for the Aunt Jemima character is speaking out, and they’re not happy!





Yeah probably! So don’t get too comfortable when questioning racism, because as I say if you have to ask, it’s probably racist. However, even some of your favorite bands might be getting in the mix – like the Dixie Chicks recently dropped the “Dixie” from their name, and now the country rock group Lady Antebellum appears that it will be changing its’ name. So is it racist? Yeah probably!






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Disneyland Reopening
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



There isn’t any aspect of life that hasn’t been changed by the Coronavirus pandemic. And if you’re like most of us, you’re most likely bored, angry, and pissed off. But where do you go to relieve those frustrations with the changing world around you and how do you get out to have fun in the day and age of the virus? How about going to the Happiest Place On Earth, Disneyland? Well, while Disneyland has reopened in Shanghai to a somewhat rousing success, getting the wheels turning on the Happiest Place On Earth back on track is proving to be way more difficult than it has been anticipated. So how is life going to operate at Disneyland in Florida and Anaheim as it starts getting back to where it was before the pandemic?





So Disneyland in California may not happen for at least the foreseeable future. What about Disneyland in Orlando? The home of Epcot Center could also be the home of Coronavirus as the cases in Northern Florida are starting to resurge and show no signs of slowing. But if you’re headed to the Happiest Place On Earth in 2020, then you should be prepared to face a reality check.





Hey wait, we still have 7 more continents to get through! Although if you are on the fence about all the restrictions being put in place in Disneyland, maybe consider an alternative, like the State Fair. Yes, most state and county fairs have shut down because of the pandemic, but one is defying expectations and going on anyways! Just don’t be disappointed if you don’t get to go to the petting zoo this year.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit: The Dark One Goes To Church
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the virtual pew make an online donation in the LAWRD’s virtual collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair online congregation! You know with churches going online and not congregating in public for the foreseeable future due to coronavirus, we’re kind of running low on material right now. But thankfully last week that SAYVED! For the unholy, ungodly Dark One whose name shall not be mentioned in my church – even if it is an online and virtual one, actually went to a church. He is a SINNER, who does some absolutely unspeakable things, yet he views himself as the godliest of the godly! And among that crowd, he can do no wrong! So why is he pandering to the holiest among us? Well, also why not? Because screw everyone that he doesn’t agree with, that’s why!





Yes let’s wait two weeks to see where this is heading and it cannot be good. For the commander in chief is doing an absolutely terrible job of setting such an example of what to do during these trying times, he is failing on every level! But how is his second in command doing? Well he’s not doing much better, and he was the guy who was picked to lead us in charge to tackle this forsaken virus!





Seriously guys, this isn’t the 1980s, this is 2020 and there is a deadly virus roaming the landscape, and it is not stopping! It’s going to get worse. And you shouldn’t be going to church right now. But no one is canceling church, and I’m sure that the good LAWRD JAYSUS would back me up here! If you want to get back to your old life and I know we all do, real change starts at the top! Of course I still won’t mention his name in my church, even if it is virtual!





Yes, churches are the biggest problem that the unholy, ungodly Dark One and his DAYMONS are facing at the moment. But he’s not going down without a fight. For his network is actively encouraging people to defy orders and defy the LAWRD, you’ve got another thing coming! And you are most definitely not welcome in my church – online or in person – until you get a grip on reality! But this is not the kind of thing you want to hear in a sermon, and you won’t hear it in my church! I won’t allow it!





So do not take any medicine offered by the Dark One, for he is the virus! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Safe Spaces
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We’ve been talking a lot of shit about right wingers needing safe spaces. So many editions that it would take me forever to list them all, so I am not even going to try to attempt to do that. And with high profile internet services like Reddit and Twitch and several other platforms banning far right personalities and chat rooms, it’s easy to see why the right has taken such a beating lately. You want to know why? It’s easy to see: NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR YOUR MESSAGE OF HATE, DOUCHEBAGS! OK, I needed to get that off my chest. But if you’re a far right personality that has fans and followers, where do you go when you get kicked off the major websites? Well, first they had Gab, now they have Parler. Want to know the kind of content that gets passed around on Parler? Well…





Yeah blah blah blah. Let’s not underestimate the irony here – conservatives are using Twitter to promote a direct competitor to Twitter, to complain that their voices aren’t being heard! I don’t know about you but I have had enough of this bullshit! And I think the entire world has had enough of the far right, and it’s time to start flushing them out. In case you’re wondering the kind of lax content that Parler is known for, well, it has some people up in arms.





So racists, first off there’s something that I have been meaning to say for a long time. Hear me out here, because listen up. There are no safe spaces in the real world. You are all a bunch of pathetic snowflakes, so suck it up, buttercup! Yeah people don’t want to hear your racist bullshit. And if you think that doesn’t have consequences, well it can cost you sponsors. Just look at what’s happening to Facebook and their refusal to police bullshit.





Seriously, you’re just now figuring how toxic social media is? You guys really need to do some research here. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great that we’re finally addressing the systematic, unfiltered racism in this country that’s been running rampant for decades since the Civil War, and the online racism that allowed Trump to become president. But would anyone want to debate these assholes? Conservatives don’t need equal footing, they have 3 24/7 cable news networks and nearly all AM radio stations at their disposal, they don’t need more platforms to fling their bullshit!






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[font size="8"]How Is This Still A Thing: Underground Cockfighting
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It’s time once again to ask:



This week: Underground cockfighting, how is this still a thing? In a world run by COVID-19, where no sports, recreation, or fun of any kind is to be had until we deal with this virus, people have to make their own fun. And one sport that’s equal parts dangerous, illegal, and banned in over 50 countries is on its’ way to making a comeback. And it’s an unwanted comeback too, as it not only puts the lives of the competitors at stake, it puts the fans and spectators at stake too. That sport is cockfighting, the sport that pits dangerously large roosters against each other in a battle for supremacy. The sport is so controversial that it is not shown on TV and even Vegas won’t take bets on it. But now, thanks to COVID, and a world without real professional sports, it’s making a comeback.





Supposedly the sport of cockfighting was canceled in 2002 when Oklahoma officially outlawed it, but it’s not just rampant in Oklahoma and Alabama, cockfighting is everywhere. But it’s not necessarily the birds who are being abused, they’re also being exported. It turns out that the US territory of Guam is also a hot bed for illegal cockfighting. And how were these illegal breeders caught? Through a series of contact tracings.





That’s definitely not the use of birds you want them for. What are the consequences of cockfighting if you are caught participating or breeding roosters for the illegal purposes? Well, the fines are pretty stiff and you can also face some serious jail time, and that’s something that you do not want to do in 2020. But with the illegal cockfighting ring comes another illegal component with it – gambling. Yes, not only can you bet on the outcome of the fights, that is also illegal!





And guess what? Cockfighting isn’t just a uniquely American problem. It’s also an international one, and countries all around the globe are cracking down on cockfighting. And the people who engage in this sport are not exactly the kind of people who are looking to make a legitimate dollar. Instead they are teeming with all kinds of illegal activity, and it’s not exactly limited to what the roosters are doing in the fighting ring.





So illegal gambling, drugs, and guns – all around the sport of two roosters fighting. That’s enough to make you ask – underground cockfighting:




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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people, and people are dumb. So who is dumb this week? I want to start with this story out of Trump’s rally in Arizona. Yeah we usually don’t bring politics into People Are Dumb segments but this one is a fucking classic. So the virus isn’t going away any time soon, and it’s really making people crazy. But where this falls into the “stupid” category is that two guys claim that they have an air conditioner system that filters out pathogens, much like the one on the USS Enterprise on Star Trek. But in reality, something tells me that I wouldn’t trust these guys with a cheapo $99 air conditioner from Costco.





Yeah I think even God is sighing on this one. Next up – of course we have to go to our favorite state, the Sunshine State, America’s most penis-shaped state of Florida. Ah, Florida, can you ever go one day without doing something batshit crazy? Well there’s a lot of Florida this week so let’s go through some of the crazier ones. Here’s the thing – if you’re going to make a Godfather reference, at least get the reference correct!





Yeah maybe don’t go against the Family there! Next up – we go to the Florida town of Cocoa Beach, and why does the weirdest shit in Florida always happen in beach communities? Well this is something that maybe you don’t want to see in a bakery right now, or maybe ever. Remember the emotional support animal craze of the last couple of years? When we lived in much simpler times. Well, I don’t remember you being allowed to bring one of these in an establishment!





Damn those gators! Next up – sticking with the Sunshine State, do you know that old expression “is there a bottle of wine from your pants or are you just happy to see me?”. Well, first the answer to that question is always yes. And second, yeah sometimes there might actually be a bottle of wine stuffed down your pants. And wine that is crazy expensive at that!





That damn Merlot, it ruins everything doesn’t it? Next up – even the DEA is dumb. You know that whole good cop – bad cop routine? Well what if there was a bad cop – even worse cop? Well, the even worse cop got caught being, well, even worse than usual. And if it’s a fraud scheme that you got caught for, well, there’s no coming back from that. And this guy got caught in maybe the worst way possible.





Damn right!!! Man I miss that show. Finally this week – of course we end with Florida. But maybe this time don’t let your kid drive! Ever! There’s no excuse for that, and yeah I get that kids love cars, especially young boys. I know, I was one at one point. But there’s no excuse for this stupidity, but then again I am reminded of what state this is in.





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Road To The White House
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Welcome to our segment where we are documenting Joe Biden’s road to the White House! Yes, it’s been quite the tumultuous time here in the states because of the COVID-19 pandemic. But things are getting better and gradually progressing. Of course it happens to be an election year. Maybe god is trying to send us a message? Last week we talked about the rising blue tide in the Lone Star State of Texas, this week – we’re talking about Biden’s support among the holier-than-thou crowd. Yes, my people, the tide might finally be turning in America’s congregations. It seems 40 years of toxic conservatism is finally starting to grate on America’s evangelicals.





Yes, the Ned Flanders types are finally coming around to being liberal after nearly 40 years of supporting ultra-hard right policies and fantasies. Gee, you think that may be bad for business? Well while normally Democrats don’t touch the evangelical vote, Biden is embracing them with open arms. Well I hope they turn a blind eye to Trump because you know that some won’t change their opinions no matter how hard you try.





if you don’t want to feel bad about yourself, don’t vote for Donald J. Trump! See how simple that is? We need someone who is going to try to unite America, and man we need someone like this now more than ever especially in the face of the worst pandemic in over a century. Even Catholics – Catholics!!! Are starting to turn the tide towards Biden, and they’re the kind of people who won’t change their mind for anything!





But the biggest mystery of the 2020 election overall – while Christians are still overwhelmingly voting in favor of Trump, could this be enough to finally give him the heave ho? Even the once heavily GOP favored born again segment is finally starting to realize that supporting Trump and dangerous republican, white supremacist ideologies might finally be bad for business.





[font size="4"]Next Week[/font]

We’re taking a couple of weeks off but when we come back we’ll explore some states that are heavily pro Joe and heavily pro Trump.


We are taking a short break next week, we’ll be back on July 15th with our first ever Top 10 Hot 10 Edition! See you in two weeks!

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June 24, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-2: Kung Flu: Enter The Fist Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-2: Kung Flu: Enter The Fist Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! How’s everybody doing? Are you guys doing fucking good? I know, right? Another week under the Coronavirus, another week of absolute insanity, and it’s not ending anytime soon. Man do I miss live audiences. But next week we might have to do a deep dive into the White Male Groper’s Club. They have added a lot of new members recently – there’s Chris D’Leia, there’s Danny Masterson, there’s Jeffrey Ross, there’s Ansel Elgort, the list just goes on and on and on. And speaking of Ansel Elgort, this really ruins one of my favorite flicks of the last few years, the movie Baby Driver. Which of course you know revolves around a getaway driver for a ruthless mob boss played by Kevin Spacey. So in one movie they have Kevin Spacey who’s a ruthless grab asser, and now they have Ansel Elgort, who’s also a ruthless grab asser. Like really, WTF is going on here? What were they thinking when they cast this movie? It’s still a great movie, but I can never view it in the same light now. But the irony that the two are trying to stay out of jail. And speaking of jail, OK that’s enough of the intro right now because we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first John Oliver is back and the latest Last Week Tonight spells doom on America’s prisons, yet another industry surrounded by corruption and greed that is falling prey to the beast known as COVID-19:



Where do we begin this week? Well in the number one slot, we are finally beginning to recognize the end of slavery, known around the world as June 19th, or Juneteenth, for the day it is. But all attention is on the guy who we call president, Donald J. Trump (1) and his first MAGA rally since the Coronavirus outbreak began in Tulsa. And it was quite the shit show! Taking the second slot this week, is also Donald Trump (2) and this week the SCOTUS decisions that have been coming down the pike are really riling up everything that DJT stands for, and boy is he pissed! Triggered, perhaps? Taking the third slot this week is Florida Man Matt Gaetz (3). He stepped in it with a Twitter feud with Sons Of Anarchy actor Ron Pearlman, and it is escalating into a real life fight with Ted Cruz joining at the helm! Yeah that really happened! In the number 4 slot this week is also Donald Trump (4) and is he getting lazier, or is his health really deteriorating? Experts weigh in on his health after his absolutely disastrous speech at the West Point graduation ceremony. Taking the 5th slot this week is our weekly investigative piece, Top 10 Investigates (5) and this week, Americans are the unhappiest that we’ve been in almost 50 years, and we will get to the bottom of the news and it’s not good. At slot #6 this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and this week, after Christian conservatives get their asses handed to them by SCOTUS, are they going to jump ship or stay the course? Our resident pastor will detail two plots they could undertake. Taking the 7th slot this week, instead of “How Is This StilL A Thing?”, we’re going to ask instead, “How Is This *NOT* A Thing?” and for our first segment we’re going to ask why isn’t the day marked as the end of slavery, Juneteenth, a national holiday? It really truly boggles the mind. In the 8th slot this week we have a new edition of Conspiracy Corner, were K-Pop fans and America’s teenagers responsible for the empty seats at Trump’s Tulsa rally? Yeah probably but they just didn’t show up! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week we have an all new “I Need A Drink”, and we’re going to have some drinks and tell you what it’s going to be like as movie studios restart production. How do you film movies in the socially distant era? Well, we need some drinks! Finally this week in our ongoing coverage of the Road To The White House, is it possible that Joe Biden could actually flip the state of Texas? It’s possible and also not possible! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Everyone knew that Trump holding an indoor event in the middle of the deadliest pandemic in 100 years was a colossally bad idea. And holding it in Tulsa, Oklahoma – the site of America’s worst race riot, on the day that slavery was ended – was also a bad idea. But allow me to engage in a bit of schadenfreude here. Because, nobody showed up! That’s right – absolutely nobody showed up to this rally. Don’t worry, we will get to that in a bit here. But he can make all the excuses all he wants, the fact of the matter is that COVID still reigns supreme, and until we start reeling in this monster, we can kiss large stadium gatherings like this goodbye. But that didn’t stop his most hardcore fans from showing up.





Ooh boy this one hit Trump where it hurts! Yes, he’s about as mad as an angry, animated Lewis Black with flames shooting out of his head. Of course, anger is the only emotion that Trump knows. Does he know fear? No. Does he know compassion? No. Does he know disgust? No. Does he know Joy? Hell freaking no! Trump wouldn’t know joy if it bit him in his ass! So he’s hopping mad about what happened in Tulsa, and it was glorious. This might be my favorite thing about this whole rally. Can we throw that image up there?



May that image be forever known as the downfall of the Trump administration! And I love all of the Spinal Tap comparisons – Trump might be at that stage.





Oh god that movie is a classic. I could totally see Trump going down that road. Maybe next he will open up for petting zoos and puppet shows. Assuming we have such activities in the near future. But you can bet there will be some firings and when that happens, get ready for the return of the Trumper Games! I mean this whole year just can’t get any weirder. And Trump’s gone through as many cabinet members as Spinal Tap has drummers. At Trump got him some ratings! Oh, those sweet, sweet ratings!





Yeah so there’s no sports, or recreation, or entertainment of any kind during this nightmare known as COVID-19. So Trump is the only game in town! He’s literally the kind of guy who would find a way to broadcast from the Springfield badlands while the entire world was held hostage by a nuclear bomb, and I wouldn’t put that past him. But that’s not stopping him from taking his show on the road!






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[font size="8"]2020 SCOTUS Session, Round 1
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The tide is most definitely turning folks, and boy does it need it more than ever. After Trump brought us to the brink of World War III, and he brought us to the brink of annihilation with COVID, it seems people are fighting back and hopping mad. Sit tight, it’s only June, but it is going to be an absolutely rocky ride until January. But some light at the end of the tunnel – Trump lost two major blows to his administration last week. The first was the decision to overturn DACA – one of his key talking points in the 2016 election, to overturn that referendum by the Obama administration. And guess what? He not only lost on that one, he lost big time!





Yes, HA HA!!! That is a colossal blow to the Trump administration. But that wasn’t the only decision that I want to talk about. Another one of the biggest talking points of the Trump 2016 campaign was ending gay marriage and increasing discrimination. They have been trying to score points with their ultra far right religious base by pandering issues like this. And guess what? They’re on the losing side of history with this one! This is definitely some of the best news in a while, and boy did we need a day like that!





Yes, that is why you fail! So two huge blows to the Trump campaign. And if you fail that hard, you might as well fail in such a way that people scream “Wow, that guy failed!”. So while 2020 may be one of the most miserable failures of a year that we’ve seen in history, there are some bright spots. And what else does SCOTUS have on the horizon for this year? We’ll definitely cover these as they happen.





Here’s the thing progressives, while we can’t go out and hold victory parades just yet, we can’t get too cocky or arrogant. We must savor each victory while it lasts, because who knows what tomorrow will hold? And please tell me because even I don’t know! But one that could potentially be as damaging as abortion is a 2nd amendment case - but thankfully SCOTUS is giving the gun rights advocates the heave ho for now!






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[font size="8"]Matt Gaetz vs Ron Pearlman
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You know I love a good beef. Of course you know that Florida Man has representatives in Congress. And Matt Gaetz is that Florida Man. He’s had not one, not two, but 7 DUIs. You know, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 7 times, well, you must be Matt Gaetz! Now Matt, you shouldn’t have picked a fight with 73 year old Ron Pearlman, who was the star of the show Sons Of Anarchy, a show about murderous vigilante biker gangs who hawk dangerous weapons and drugs to unseen masses. What did you learn, Matt? Oh who am I kidding? The guy who has 7 DUIs apparently doesn’t learn anything! But this fight between a celebrity and a representative is the perfect reason why 2020 is a very strange and weird time to be alive.





Oh yes they are! Now here’s where it gets weird. As if things escalated quickly between Perlman and Gaetz, if you’re going to use a pop culture reference against someone, let alone someone who starred in the show itself, at least, I don’t know, maybe watch the show itself? Yeah because when you do and you fail to use the reference as it was intended, well, you are the one who is the loser.





Now that’s how you use a Sons Of Anarchy reference! As if this story couldn’t get any weirder, Matt Gaetz got some backing from another Trump backer – Ted Cruz. Yes, Mr. Machine Gun Bacon managed to insert himself in between the beef with Matt Gaetz and Ron Perlman, and offered to turn this free for all into an actual free for all! Because if there’s one social media faux pas you don’t commit, it’s that you don’t take sides in a beef!





First rule of Twitter beefs, you do not talk about Twitter beefs! Oh and by the way in case you think Matt Gaetz couldn’t possibly get any dumber, I love that he shared this photo of him with another guy and attempts to explain that the other guy is his adopted son. And no, I can guarantee no one was wondering if this guy was his adopted son.






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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So Donald J. Trump is worried about his mental health? Well, it’s good that he’s finally addressing the real problem. Well, the DSM defines narcissism and egomaniacism as a “a grandiose sense of self-importance”. And no one feels the need to gratify himself with pictures of himself than our 45th president, Donald J. Trump. But before we get into the meat of this entry, let’s take a look at what happened after the Tulsa rally. This definitely fits that definition of having a need to constantly satisfy himself!





Turning around Air Force One so you can have an admiring crowd that was the size you were originally told it was, even though no one showed up? Oh you better believe that’s a paddlin! So in addition to narcissism, he also has an unprecedented rage disorder. Yes, he is one very angry mofo. And man is he pissed off at something. Though no one really knows what he is pissed off at! He’s so angry he doesn’t know what he is angry at!





So really Trump is a narcissist and a rage-a-holic. Does that sound like anyone? Well it could describe Homer Simpson, or it could describe one of my favorite TV characters of all time, George Costnaza. Yes, Trump is a real life George Costanza. He’s one of the most deceitful, depraved minds known to mankind, and that’s not a good thing! At least George Costanza was funny, Trump is serious.





Yes, come on down to the wacky shack, Trump! You think that’s bad, you should climb up Bart and Milhouse’s stairs! But just like Elon Musk’s tweets, a Trump rage can cause mass speculation around the world and tank some stocks! Be careful what you wish for, guys! Seriously, this guy is bonkers, and he’s definitely not well – physically or mentally.






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: American Unhappiness Index

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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates!



Are you happy? It’s nearly impossible to find happiness in the year 2020. Because while Americans strive for happiness, a lot of dreams and realities have been squashed by the COVID-19 pandemic, which has turned world economies upside down and disrupted supply chains all over the globe. While the need for personal material possessions has diminished, that doesn’t necessarily make people happy. And in this year 2020, a year that has been met by Coronavirus turmoil and protests and looting following the death of George Floyd, people are finding that Americans are the unhappiest they’ve ever been in the last 50 years, and that is an easy prediction to make.





Can the happiness index be improved? Well there’s many ways that this could happen, or it could not happen. But what about another factor of unhappiness – loneliness? The pandemic has also created an epidemic of loneliness, as more and more Americans experience being alone while unable to congregate in groups of any size because of the severity of the virus.





That’s about what it is like anymore in a world without sports, concerts, restaurants, or gatherings of any kind. But there is an underlying hidden danger of the pandemic that’s not being discussed, and that is a mental health crisis. The pandemic has created separation anxiety and depression, among other illnesses that can be caused mentally as well as physically. But it is getting harder to cope with the outside world.





Yes, do the happy dance! Although be careful what you wish for, because even in the happiest country in the entire world – the Scandinavian country of Finland, even they have their issues. But don’t let this news get you down. Instead use it because while you might think things are bad now, they can almost always be worse.





That’s it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.



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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! You know when the actual, real-life churches aren’t congregating in public, I have to say we’re getting starved for material here. But you know my one rule here is that I never, under any circumstances mention the unholy, ungodly Dark One, by name! For he is the DEVIL himself, and he is out of control! While most of us were marveling at what was going on in Tulsa, here’s why people still showed up anyways! Because he is the preacher, and his sermons are a lot like church. But what really disturbs me is that my brothers and sisters on the right think of him like some sort of GAWD. Well there’s only one GAWD and I’m pretty sure that he wouldn’t like people praying in his name, and it says so right in our Good Book!





You know we here at the Holy Church Of The Top 10 tend to pick on Christianity a lot, mainly because of their absorbance of super far right talking points and ideals, but we welcome all ideals and faiths, even scary death cults! So just how much has the party of he who shall not be named become a death cult in the last few years? Way more than you will ever know! And I’m sure that it’s something that the good LAWRD JAYSUS would not approve of!





The thing with cults is that you can’t question dear leader, and you almost certainly can’t go against their core line of thinking. And that’s kind of what we do here, especially when I used to do these things in front of live audiences. Yes, these people are cults and yes they are dangerous. And the idea of a death cult has taken on a whole new meaning. So should you join this church?





No you don’t want to do that sir, because cults are EVIL! And they are most certainly not something that the good LAWRD JAYSUS would approve of! Because in a cult, you cannot question Dear Leader, nor can you question his motives, or anything else he does. But this leader commands a cult that encompasses 45 million people and he is determined to get rid of them. Funny, I don’t remember JAYSUS being a genocidal maniac!





Probably not, but if you find yourself praying for this madman, you might be in one! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]How Is This NOT A Thing: Juneteenth Holiday
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It’s time once again to ask:



This week: Juneteenth as a national holiday. How is this *NOT* a thing? In a time when systematic racism is an endemic, it seems that people are finally waking up to the atrocities being committed by America’s law enforcement. This problem has been going on for well over 40 years and does not show any signs of ending any time soon. However, Americans now want to recognize one day that should be a national holiday – the day that most mark the official end of slavery, June 19th, 1865. Known as “Juneteenth”, this has been the day that slaves were freed and also in 1921, the day of a deadly massacre in Tulsa, Oklahoma. But as the plight of African Americans in the 21st century continues – in an era dominated by abusive police forces, many are recognizing the importance of Juneteenth.





That is a good question sir because even we don’t know! Now the idea of making Juneteenth a national holiday is not a new idea. But it is the first time since the days of Martin Luther King Jr that this idea has been. But of course while Trump is president, we can’t have nice things. Because while we’re protesting and raging at the injustices being done, Trump is bragging about how he took credit for the idea of making it a national holiday.





Actually yes that really was racist. But the biggest hurdle to Juneteenth becoming a national holiday isn’t your state or local government. The biggest hurdle? Your employer. Who might not like it if you take a non-sanctioned day off. Which of course spells out the underlying irony of making Juneteenth a national holiday. Just look at what Tesla wanted to do with its’ employees on making the day a national holiday – you won’t get the time off if you request it!





That’s about the maximum amount of time that your employer will not allow you to take off. So how do you make Juneteenth a national holiday? There’s an easy way to get the public on board with this idea, and that’s advertising! Yes, some catchy, creative advertising with big billboards and some catchy TV jingles should do the trick! That’s exactly how you change minds in the 21st century!





So employer difficulty and not enough advertising. That’s enough to make you ask – the Juneteenth National Holiday:




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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner: You Dang K-Pop Fans!!
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Welcome back to the segment where we bring you the latest in batshit crazy, Conspiracy Corner! We are broadcasting live from the darkest regions of your innermost thoughts from an underground bunker in the remote badlands of Arizona! Because where else other than the middle of the desert that we can broadcast without the government interfering with our thoughts? Well true, an Iowa cornfield would be a somewhat nicer climate. But just let me adjust my tin foil hat for maximum government interference… ah there we go! So what’s the latest coming from the minds of America’s conspiracy theorists? Trump’s Tulsa rally. And the extremely poor attendance has the rumors and conspiracies flying!





That’s right – fans of the KPOP band BTS are the ones behind the sabotage! Or are they? Maybe they’re paid operatives by liberal billionaire George Soros! But even the Trump campaign itself is not buying into that conspiracy theory! Remember last week when Trump’s campaign manager Brad Pascale said that they had almost a million tickets reserved? Well, the opposite happened.





So once again, Trump proves he is the great flip flopper! But the question remains – did Trump’s rally intentionally tank or is he entering the Spinal Tap phase of his career? Well that remains to be seen. But this isn’t the first time KPOP fans have attempted to meddle in American politics. Their gods, the band BTS, have also taken sides with Black Lives Matter. Ooh, I can see conservatives burning BTS merchandise right now!





Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Put a warning label on that thing! Please!!! So how did they do this you might ask? Well, the Trump administration said that you could reserve as many tickets as you want, and they artificially inflated the numbers! DUN DUN DUN!!!!!!!!!!! Oh yeah and you can bet Trump himself is seething with anger, as this one hit him where it hurts! And they would have got away with it too if not for those meddling kids!






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink: Return To Filming
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Good freaking god everyone, time is slow, and I could really use a drink!



Of course you know the idea behind this is that we have some drinks and discuss literally anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. Of course that’s hard because in a world where there’s nothing to talk about, you got to come up with something! And of course right now CDC guidelines prohibit me from having a bartender so I must discuss it with my virtual bartender. Tell me, virtual bartender, what goes well with a story about movies? Buzz Cola? No thanks, I need something much stronger than that, Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. So with movie production finally resuming after 4 months, how is that going to look? Well, it’s quite insane.





Yup, just like the ending of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, thanks to Coronavirus, America is experiencing threats which we have never seen before! Don’t applaud that. So what will be the first movie being produced under these super strict new guidelines? It’s the sequel to Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, Jurassic World: Dominion. Yeah I don’t need to see a movie about threats to humanity when I’m already living in one, thanks!





Oh man do I miss being able to drink in a bar. But yeah just like Trump’s rally in Tulsa, this has the potential to be a really bad idea. How bad? Well if one person gets the infection the entire staff, crew, and actors could be affected as well. And that has the potential to be a colossal shit show! So where can we film? Well, since every superhero movie takes place at a carnival or a fair, how about an actual fair?





Man I needed that! So what do actual movie stars think of this strict return-to-sort-of-normal? Well let’s ask the star of Jurassic World herself, Bryce Dallas Howard! Sure, Universal may be going “above and beyond” but one little slip up and bam! You’re fucked. Because right now the virus is in charge and until it goes away we’re all going to have to play by its’ rules for now.






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[font size="8"]Road To The White House Ep. 2: Biden Wins Texas?
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Welcome back! This is the segment where we are chronicling the… cue reverb… ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE!!! Oh man that was some good reverb there. Yes, Joe Biden is the presumptive nominee for the Democratic ticket, and while we await his choice of VP and the eventual convention, which right now seems like an eternity away, we are putting together the pieces of what his nomination is going to look like. And man does it seem like the public is turning on Trump doesn’t it? But this week a lot of clout seems to be forming around how the impossible could happen in 2020 – Texas could finally, after 40 years, turn blue! It seems like wishful thinking but the virus has really turned people against Trump.





Yes, that’s what the average American thinks of people from Texas who are not from Texas. This could be a monumental shift if possible and it will change the politics of Texas forever. While Trump is loudly appearing in public, Biden is quietly flipping Texas due to people’s seething anger over the Coronavirus pandemic. The possibility of flipping Texas seems like a pipe dream, but is it reality?





So now you might ask – what’s Joe Biden’s secret weapon in Texas? Is it people’s animosity toward Trump or is it something else? Well, a little from column A, a little from column B. But his real secret weapon might lie in one of his former competitors, and that’s Beto O’Rourke! Yes, O’Rourke has been a formidable weapon in the Democratic Party, and during this time of lockdown, he is doing his due diligence to get people registered!





Yes, they are definitely compensating for something! Even the Texas Republican party is worried about the possibility of losing Texas. Well guys, we hate to say it, but you did it to yourselves. They definitely aren’t taking November seriously – and I assume that’s because they have to change Trump’s dirty diapers and tell him that mommy loves him. But that would really be something, because if Texas goes, so goes the nation!





[font size="4"]Next Week:[/font]

What’s Joe Biden’s status among Evangelicals? Many leaders are urging America’s pulpits to change their affiliation!



See you next week!

Credits

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Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded At: Flappers Comedy Club, Burbank, CA
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

June 17, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-1: Hanging With Mr. Cooper Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #9-1: Hanging With Mr. Cooper Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! How’s everybody doing? Are you guys doing fucking good? I know, right? It’s hard to stay optimistic right now. Seriously, what the fuck happened? Remind me not to take any days off anymore. Shit, I take a vacation March 11th what happens? We get in the worst pandemic in a century. I take time off at our usual end of May break and what happens? Riots and protests! Come on 2020, what else you got? Shit, I know. We all had plans before the pandemic. Hell, I had plans to take the Top 10 international! We had shows lined up in the UK, Germany, France, Mexico, and Canada, all got squashed because of this fucking virus. And who knows what else is going to happen before the end of 2020? We also have hurricane season! We’ve had the virus, cannibal rats, blood monkeys, murder hornets, riots, floods, fires, small earthquakes… what else could possibly go wrong? I mean besides another four years of Trump? Well anyway now that I got that off my chest I am pleased to debut the new set! Unfortunately thanks to COVID we’ve had to eliminate things like sets, props, food, key grips, cameramen, bartenders, waiters and waitresses, lighting, backdrops, and our Trumper Games hosts’ humble man servant. But those things will be back! We’re slowly returning to full strength unless Trump does something stupid. Which he almost certainly will. OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first John Oliver explains police brutality in one of the most hard to watch Last Week Tonights of all time:



So where do we begin this week? Well normally we would catch up on stuff we missed, but since this is a year where nothing is normal, we are going to attempt to instead have a special two part edition of our series “So That Happened”. Where in the first slot we’re going to talk about the police-sanctioned murder of George Floyd, who died at the hands of abusive police over an alleged counterfeit $20 bill. In the second slot, we’re going to talk about the protests and riots (2) that are still going on. How long is it going to go on? We don’t know. It might still be going on. In the third slot this week is the guy who we still call president and that’s Donald J. Trump (3). He plans to restart his MAGA rallies next week, and he has picked a date that is sure to rile up both his white supremacist base and his detractors! At slot #4 we're going to introduce a brand new feature to the program, and we all know that there's a 50-50 shot that this will go well. And it's "Mutual Of Top 10's Wild Kingdom" (4) and the first part of our nature documentary series is going to be on the hunt for that most elusive genus of species of privileged white female known as the Karen! How do you spot a Karen in the wild and what can be done about it? In the fifth slot this week we have our weekly investigative piece Top 10 Investigates (5), and we’re still in the middle of a pandemic in case you haven’t forgotten, and we’re going to take a look at a claim by Italian doctors that COVID is getting weaker, and is it? There might be some truth to this claim, or there might not. In the sixth slot this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week, our resident pastor has to talk about the White House PR stunt involving St. George Church in Washington DC, and he might break his one rule to talk about that insane incident! Taking the seventh slot this week is a new “Beating A Dead Horse”, and NASCAR (7) finally banned use of the Confederate Flag at events, but that hasn’t stopped the protesting debate! Taking the 8th slot this week, is the TV show Cops (8), and after finally getting canceled after 30 seasons, we’re going to ask the question “The Show Cops: How Is This Still A Thing?”. In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is a new People Are Dumb, because a pandemic and riots haven’t stopped the biggest plague infecting the land – stupidity! Finally this week we’re beginning our journey on the Road To The White House (10!)! And for our first entry, could the 2020 election again be stolen? Even Joe Biden is making this claim! No, there won’t be any live music for the foreseeable future. Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]So That Happened: The Death Of George Floyd
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That is a good question sir! You know, normally when the Top 10 takes a couple of days off, we like to play catch up with things that we missed. But there was so much that happened that it was near impossible to think that we could squeeze everything into two short entries. Or would we even attempt to make fun of the situation. Yes, we have to talk about the death of George Floyd, a man who, overnight, became the face of American police brutality, and widespread systematic racism. And like I said we will not make fun of the situation as that’s beyond our usual tomfoolery. But here’s what happened.





That is a good point! We’ve been cooped up here at the Top 10 Home Offices for so long we’ve forgot what it would be like to be part of a functioning society again. And remember when society used to function before COVID? Yeah that was like unleashing Skynet or Thanos snapping. When things go back to “normal” we will see a lot of our favorite businesses and places go bankrupt. And we cannot sustain another round of this. Especially when this happened.





They came at us with pitchforks and torches. Torches!!!! And really people don’t use this time to loot and pillage. Join the peaceful protests. Maybe we can save the pillaging and looting for a later date. It’s like we’re living the end of the movie Joker – and Thomas and Martha Wayne have just been murdered and the city is rioting. But really, just don’t do shit like this. really, don’t do it.






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[font size="8"]So That Happened: The Protests
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Much like Hector Salamanca from Breaking Bad, if you’re not marching in the streets protesting unprecedented police brutality and state-sanctioned murders all over the country, you’re probably sitting in front of your computer screen getting increasingly angry and clicking that bell, or your computer’s mouse. But the pandemic created a situation of some extremely bored people looking to gather to come together for a cause. And that cause was the death of George Floyd. We’re not even going to attempt to make fun of the situation here. So we won’t try. But instead we will talk about one group looking to start some shit – the Boogaloo Bois.





Yeah so like I said last week, if you see these guys at your neighborhood protest, they’re not here to join hands and sing Kumbaya. And just like people with COVID, they’re very easy to spot. But this is really going to screw some shit up. We’re still in the middle of the pandemic. One that has killed over 100,000 people, and sent millions of people into bankruptcy. Think we haven’t seen some serious shit yet? think again! It is about to hit the fan!





Clean that up!! But there is good news. With all the bad shit that’s happening in the world, and we are in for a lot of suffering down the road after a major pandemic, there is a silver lining in all of this. It’s awakened some long sleeping beasts! People are hopping mad, we’re fighting back, and even small towns are awakening to how badly they’re getting fucked! It’s about damn time we rise up!





That said though in this weird new world that we’ve been navigating because of COVID and because of the social unrest going on, should we really call the protestors “rioters”? Well there’s a fine line between the two. Remember that if they’re there wearing Hawaiian shirts and looking to throw rocks at cops or fire their machine guns, they’re not there to join in arms against the oppressed.






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[font size="8"]Trump Goes To Tulsa
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Pop quiz hot shot!! Say for a minute that you’re Donald Trump. There’s a killer virus that is invading and desecrating states that voted for you. Health advisory boards have shut down literally every large gathering in the country, and you want to hold a large gathering indoors! What do you do? And wrong answers only. Really? He picked the wrong answers? Of course he did, this is Donald J. Trump we are talking about here. He never errs on the right side of everything. Literally everything he does is the wrong answer to everything. And why not? What’s another 50,000 COVID cases and no hospital beds in case you do need them? Well, let’s take a look at what he wants to do. Hold your boos.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Really, Mike Pence is that guy. But my favorite part of this whole thing is that Trump’s campaign manager Brad Pascale, is making some absolutely batshit crazy claims about attendance numbers. You know, because Trump wants his audience and attendance numbers to be up.

https://twitter.com/parscale/status/1272191356845391875

So let me get this straight - 800,000 tickets for a 20,000 seat arena in a town with a population of 390,000? Is this some kind of new math that I'm not aware of? Is this Trump's idea of math? Or is this COVID's idea of math? Either way, Coronavirus likes this. But not everyone is on board with this idea, even the mayor of Tulsa.





Yeah so this is what one might call a “really bad idea”. And I don’t even have time to cover the Juneteenth debacle – yeah in Tulsa on the Juneteenth anniversary. That is batshit fucking insane. Oh and in case you didn’t know it’s on the anniversary of the worst race riot in United States history. In the middle of the current worst race riot in modern history. Yeah do the math!





Actually yeah that was pretty damn racist! So that was a good call on that one! So the question remains why not move Trump’s rally to an outdoor venue? Well that possibility is being talked about. The fact that Trump wants to hold these rallies in an indoor venue during a pandemic is alarming enough. But getting Trump to budge and move it outside? Well that’s something else entirely. Trump doesn’t budge for anything.







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[font size="8"]Wild Kingdom: Spotting The Karen
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Welcome to the Mutual Top 10’s Wild Kingdom! This week we are attempting to spot a rather elusive creature – the Karen! Yes, the Karen is that most elusive of creatures to spot. And you won’t recognize a Karen until after you have encountered one in the wild! If you don’t know what a Karen is, she is the most elusive species of a middle aged, privileged white female, which goes by the Latin name of Libidinem Dominandi, and you can spot them but not until after they spot you! And where was the most recent sighting of a Karen you might ask? Well why in that most urban of jungles, the concrete oasis known as New York City, New York. And this Karen was probably the most Karen of them all!





No, that is not a Tiger, that is most definitely a Karen! And this is not so much Hanging With Mr. Cooper as it is hanging with privileged scumbags, and they are everywhere! But is the Karen meme sexist and why is the Karen so elusive to spot in the wild? In fact, the only way you can accurately spot a Karen is through the comfort of your iPhone. And you should try to catch the Karen before it is too late!





First off, I would question why you have a live tiger in your life raft sir. But that said, when confronting a Karen in the wild, you must first take a step back and assess the situation, then make sure people around you are recording the incident with their cell phone device of choice. And then… when confronting the Karen, proceed with caution! Because it could lead to some untold nightmares that will last long after the incident is over!





Again that’s a Tiger, not a Karen! So how do you spot a Karen in the wild? And do you know any Karens in your life that would make you afraid to leave the house? Make no mistake that as things are getting uglier in society, the Karen will attack and confront you before you can attack and confront her! But that being said let’s ask some real researchers to get their take on the Karen. The Karen is elusive and swift and won’t think twice before double crossing you!






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Is COVID Getting Weaker?
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



Since the COVID-19 pandemic began this March, everyone is now asking the question – when will it end and when will life get back to some sort of normalcy that we have come to expect? Well the answer to the first question is that nobody knows. The answer to the second question is also: nobody knows. So there are two ways that this could pan out. The first is that we aggressively find a cure for this virus, and the second is that the virus could simply weaken over time. In fact there’s claims being made now that COVID could simply burn itself out and mutate into a much weaker form of the virus that has been infecting the landscape over the last six months. We go to Italy for this story.





That is not how you defeat coronavirus. Repeat, that is not how you defeat coronavirus. So there’s many claims to this theory. Two things that a pandemic needs to end are time and potency. And both of these things could determine how the latest pandemic plays out. How will the coronavirus pandemic play out as time goes on? That’s debatable, because, as has been stated, nobody knows because this is a new virus that nobody has seen before.





But the good news is that this claim is not just being made in Italy. Even countries like Egypt are reporting that the virus is getting weaker. Until that time happens, we will have to deal with the consequences of living with it. There is a theory that virus weaken as they spread far and wide because of their genetic makeup. But the thing is until next year we just won’t know how this pans out.





That said though, we don’t want to read too much into things and we don’t want to get ahead of ourselves in fighting a virus that we’ve never seen before. The thing is this thing came in and wrecked our whole society and it is going to take a global effort to pick up the pieces and return to a functioning society again. But this is a good reason why it’s a good idea to read beyond the headlines. Wait a minute, that’s our job!





That’s it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day!




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit

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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters of Tallahassee! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair virtual congregation! You know church is closed even though in this time of pandemic that we are considered an essential business. Well in some states anyway. But that said, we’ve finally moved out of the church basement and into our temporary new studio. Don’t worry, we will be back in our brand new church relatively soon (we hope). But this week I have to talk about the events of the last two weeks. I only have one rule in my church and that is that we should never mention the unholy, ungodly Dark One by his name! But since he committed the most ultimate of party fouls, we must. Yes, he went to St. John’s Church and held up the Holy Book in a badly timed and poorly planned PR stunt!





Yes, yes he does! And really can we say that the guy who spends the least amount of time in church is claiming to be the godliest among us? Well have you seen who he surrounds himself with? And this is not a well or sane man. This is a very evil, wicked man who has evil intentions and is consumed by his ego, and that is a recipe for SIN!!! He is a wicked SINNER!!!! He is currently ruling this country with the darkest of hearts!





Except that there is judgement here! Because we are in an election year and it’s turned into what might possibly be one of the biggest nightmares of all time. We have the darkest and most wickedly EVIL ruler of them all in the White House and it does look like it will take a miracle for him to stay in power. It is time to cast aside this wicked evil!





But back to what I am saying, and for our church to take a hit discussing politics, and you know what? At this point who cares? Seriously talk to me again this time next year when we have a competent administration in charge and we can start nipping COVID in the bud. But until then we have an absolute clown who cares about his ratings, and his standing with the Christian right.





OK I needed to get that off my chest. And hey I didn’t break my one rule everybody! Virtual mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Kneeling Protesters
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We’re officially in the “beating a dead horse” phase of Beating A Dead Horse. That is right, we have officially gone meta! How do I know that? Well conservatives everywhere just will not let this kneeling thing go. We first covered conservatives railing against kneeling protestors in the first “Beating A Dead Horse” segment in Idiots #3-16. We then covered this again in Idiots #7-5. Now we’re covering this topic yet again. We might have officially beaten our own dead horse. Because, the favorite punching bag of the right, the former 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick, is back in the news and this time it’s guaranteed to make conservative heads explode!





Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! My ears!!! My ears!!! OK so kneeling during the National Anthem is a disgrace, but that hideous butchering isn’t? Come on! Well here’s the thing folks in case you haven’t forgotten we’re still in a pandemic, so there may or may not be football this year depending on what is happening with the virus. But it will be an interesting season if it actually goes through!





Man remember the good old days when getting down on one knee meant that you were going to propose marriage to someone? Well the good news though is that this is backfiring big time on Trump and his goons. Yes, the more he speaks out on this issue, the fewer fans he has. It’s his version of kryptonite. And those two institutions? NASCAR and the NFL. Yes, those are two good ol’ American institutions that are havens for 90% of his fan base.





Yup, Trump got owned by two of the right wing’s favorite institutions – NASCAR and the NFL. Yes, the tides are turning and they’re definitely turning in favor of us! Does that mean that with Tom Brady finally leaving Boston for greener pastures in Florida mean that the NFL has a new superstar on their hands with Kaepernick? Well I wouldn’t bet on that just yet.






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[font size="8"]COPS: How Is This Still A Thing?
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It’s time once again to ask:





This week: The long-running reality show COPS. How is this still a thing? The show COPS was created in response to a writer’s strike that crippled the television industry in the late 1980s. The idea was an unscripted TV show following the men and women of law enforcement around in their day to day life in the hopes that something exciting would come along. But lately with all the animosity toward police that started in 2015 and has recently escalated with the murder of George Floyd, we wonder how this show has survived as long as it has. And how did it command the audience that it did for nearly 32 years before it finally got the axe? Also, what took them so long?





Yup, shit just got real all right! So with all the attention on the police, for mostly negative and well deserved reasons why, why did the show Cops become as iconic as it was, and how did this play a role in how public opinions shaped views of how the police really operates? Also of course, leave it to the Fox Network to put such a polarizing and divisive show on the air. Really, we’re shocked that they would do such a thing!





OK so we’ve seen the protests for the bad cops, which are portrayed on TV shows such as COPS. But what about kids shows like Paw Patrol? Or even goofy comedies like Reno 911, Brooklyn 99 and Super Troopers? Or the Simpson’s loveable doofus character Chief Wiggum? Are those still cannon fodder for protestors? Or will this change the landscape of television and police characters for good?





Yes, that escalated very quickly. Leave it to social media to turn an innocent children’s show very dark very quickly. But COPS isn’t just the epitome of police propaganda, and there’s lots of TV shows, movies, and TV and movie characters out there who portray good cops and bad cops. But will this change the way America views its’ police force forever? Well, after a series of horrifying murders, this might just be the icing on the cake.





So too much of the bad cops being shown on TV, and not enough of the good ones, so that’s enough to cancel all cop shows for the rest of eternity. That’s enough to make you ask: The show COPS:




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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people, and people are dumb. Who is dumb this week? Do I need to remind you that we’re still in a pandemic and that this thing isn’t going away any time soon. And there have been some dumb motherfuckers in this thing. Starting with sex. First off, if you are to engage in what one would call a “menage a tois”, it *NEVER* goes the way you think it’s going to go. We go to Myrtle Beach – god damn motherfucking Myrtle Beach – for this insane story. And if you are celebrating a birthday this is one of those things that you shouldn’t do under any circumstances.





Oh George, don’t you know going in that this is a bad idea? Next up – stupid has no boundaries, it has no race, no culture, nothing. And this was a sentence that was written. It was said. Someone had to write this article, and well, we feel bad for them. Let’s go to Spain for this one. And I really think this guy should be nominated for the new Most Interesting Man In The World. Stay thirsty my friends!





There’s really a Simpsons GIF for everything! And speaking of the Simpsons, remember that episode where Homer and his drunken posse vandalized and destroyed Springfield Elementary and the kids of Springfield were subjected to an extremely harsh curfew? Well, this story is pretty similar to that episode, where this guy was channeling his inner Bart Simpson:





God I miss live music! Next up, speaking of idiocy not respecting boundaries – it’s a lot like coronavirus – it’s spreadable, highly communicable, very contagious, and it doesn’t care about your race, creed, social, or economic status. Let’s take a look at this story out of Sydney, and that’s all the way in Australia, don’t you know? Well, once again this involves a naked guy doing something shady. Because when you add naked to the equation well…





Next up – young boys are dumb, and when in groups they tend to do some really dumb things. I know, I was one at one point. And young boys today should realize that comic books aren’t exactly what one would call real life. But even I, at a young age, was at least smart enough to know that the Black Widow spider was the deadliest. And it’s not going to turn you into Spiderman. And you’re definitely not Peter Parker.





Finally this week our old pal Florida Man just can’t help himself to doing something stupid. Yes, Florida, the Sunshine State, America’s most penis-shaped state, and the winner of our 2020 Stupidest State Contest, always brings out the big guns. But he’s just as dumb as ever. Once again, I say that young boys do stupid things, it’s a fact of nature. But made even worse when paired with your dad and a 4,000 pound SUV. File this one under “things that do not end well”.





That’s it this week for:





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[font size="8"]Road To The White House Episode 1
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Yes it’s time for our new segment – cue the reverb – THE ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE! Oh that was some good reverb there. 2020 has been an absolutely batshit crazy year, we’ve had the impeachment, the virus, the lockdowns, riots, protests, mass unemployment, murder hornets, blood monkeys, and we’re only halfway done. But lost in all the headlines is that we’re in an election year! And the Democratic Party finally has a candidate! So in this segment we’re going to chronicle Joe Biden’s road ot the White House, and since this is a free-form segment then anything goes! Well to start with this week, Biden’s got a long road ahead of him. This week – is the election being stolen? Well let’s take a look at what’s going on.





Trump is the grandmaster! He is going to tell his followers to take to the streets and celebrate your president! And in what may be the ultimate circular firing squad argument, Trump and Biden both warn that the other will steal the other’s election victory. If you think that makes any sense whatsoever, well, just wait until you see the actual argument!





That is a good question! Why do things have to be so hard? Well it’s safe to say that the fate of the country is at stake here. And in more ways than one. But this election could mark a turning point toward a much darker future or a much brighter one. Me personally? I’m choosing the brighter one. I do not want Trump and his goons in charge another 4 years. Think it’s bad now? You ain’t seen nothing yet!





Yeah I can imagine the debates are going like that. And that’s if Trump decides to debate Biden, which we all know he won’t. In fact he’s trying to fan the flames for a possible Civil War. Oh yes my friends, don’t think for a minute that he won’t go there. But if Atlanta is any indication, there’s going to be a long, very long uphill fight ahead of us before we decide the 46th president of the United States. But at least Trump will go quietly… or won’t he?





[font size="4"]Next Week:[/font]

Is there a possibility that Biden could win Texas for the first time in 40 years? It's entirely possible along with a lot of other 2020 probabbles!



See you next week!

Credits

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Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded At: Flappers Comedy Club, Burban, CA
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June 10, 2020

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Best Of #12: Season 8 Recap: Shit Really Hits The Fan Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Best Of #12: Season 8 Recap: Shit Really Hits The Fan Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Oh hello! I know right? Well we survived what will hopefully be the first half of the Coronavirus Apocalypse. But what else could 2020 bring us? We’ve already seen destructive fires, murder hornets, blood monkeys, fires, earthquakes, tornadoes, and we’re in the middle of a pandemic and race riots. What else could 2020 possibly throw at us? Well there is hurricane season coming up so there is that. Normally this is where I would announce the tour dates for the next season, but since we can’t tour right now and all venues are closed for the duration of the COVID pandemic, we’re still sadly stuck at home for the foreseeable future. Hopefully it’s not a long one my friends. Hopefully this is the end of the pandemic as the Coronavirus will hopefully mutate into a much weaker form of itself and eventually disappear. We still need a vaccine though because we never want this to happen again. But as venues across the country start reopening, I will be trying our hand at a couple of live Top 10s with a limited audience from our new home at the legendary Flappers Comedy Club in the heart of Burbank. Yes, we said goodbye to our longtime home at the UCB Theater in Hollywood, but we will be back. Anyway the next season is season number 9 (NEIN!!!) and we will also be documenting Joe Biden’s road to becoming our 46th president! OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to but first we’ll play John Oliver’s last show in front of a live audience where he talks about why you should pay attention to who your local sheriff is:

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So this is of course we’re between seasons and we usually do a Best Of. In the number one slot, from Idiots #8-2, after Trump nearly brings us to the brink of a World War, we open up the Top 10 History Vault and ask “just how close are we to World War III?” (1). Answer: A lot closer than you may think! For the second slot this week from Idiots #8-4, Trump is asking everyone to “read the transcript” in terms of his impeachment trial, but have they? Well, they have! Taking the third slot this week from Idiots #8-6, the GOP’s equivalent of Joseph Goebbles, Rush Limbaugh (3) announces he has stage 4 lung cancer, but should we feel sorry for the man who’s said some seriously evil shit about us over the last 30 years? Eh… probably. Taking the fourth slot this week, from Idiots #8-9, we ask “What’s Up With India” (4) as Trump heads to Delhi to party with Modi and his huge crowd at one of India’s largest stadiums doesn’t go exactly as planned. In the fifth slot for you, we have a bonus all new Top 10 Investigates (5) and this week as the race to find a vaccine for COVID-19 heats up, we take a look at the people who are responsible for launching a massive vaccine disinformation campaign, as tweeted by your racist uncle on his Facebook page! At slot #6, from Idiots #8-3, our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10, Holy Shit (6), takes a look at the ongoing battle between former Pope Benedict and current Pope Francis over the future of the church and well it’s quite insane. In the 7th slot this week, in our pop culture segment “Beating A Dead Horse” (7), why are K-Pop fans plotting to take down your favorite celebrities? We will examine this strange phenomenon! In the #8 slot this week, we have another bonus segment for you, because we love our fans! Our segment on all things batshit crazy, Conspiracy Corner (8) takes a look at a group of protestors who wear Hawaiian shirts and carry AK-47s known as the “Boogaloo Movement” and if you see these guys, well, run. In the number 9 (NEIN!!) slot this week from Idiots #8-5, we have a People Are Dumb (9) segment from our trip to Miami where we do a special all Florida Man edition! Finally our segment about the primary election “Keeping Up With The Candidates” takes a look at the beef between the world’s biggest podcaster Joe Rogan and one of America’s favorite presidential candidates, Bernie Sanders. Really, what is going on between these two? And since we don’t have live music currently, we’ll fill that void with a performance from when Mike Portnoy’s heavy metal super group Sons Of Apollo stopped by! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!


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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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From: Idiots #8-2

Here’s the thing – you elect a republican, you’re going to go to war. That’s about as basic of a statement as you’re going to get. Trump and the military industrial complex want a war with Iran, and they’re going to give it to us whether we want it or not. Because why? There’s profit to be made in war, peace is boring and not profitable for weapons manufacturers. Where’s Tony Stark when you need him? He managed to privatize peace. But over New Year’s, Trump nearly brought us to the brink of not just a war with Iran, but with World War III. And it’s having some serious consequences. So just how bad was the killing of Soleimani and what are the consequences of it? Well…

Donald Trump on Saturday drew what may come to be seen as the most significant red line of his presidency in a three-part tweet, vowing specific military action against Iran if it "strikes any Americans, or American assets."

"We have ... targeted 52 Iranian sites (representing the 52 American hostages taken by Iran many years ago), some at a very high level & important to Iran & the Iranian culture" and "if Iran strikes any Americans, or American assets... Iran itself, WILL BE HIT VERY FAST AND VERY HARD," Trump wrote in a series of tweets.

Trump reiterated his warning in a series of tweets early Sunday, saying the United States just spent $2 trillion on military equipment.
"We are the biggest and by far the BEST in the World! If Iran attacks an American Base, or any American, we will be sending some of that brand new beautiful equipment their way...and without hesitation!," he tweeted. "They attacked us, & we hit back. If they attack again, which I would strongly advise them not to do, we will hit them harder than they have ever been hit before!"
https://www.cnn.com/2020/01/04/politics/trump-warning-iran-52-assets/index.html




Man remember the good old days when the mere idea of bombing Iran was just the musings of a creepy old guy singing a Beach Boys song parody?

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Yeah that happened! But now it is not just the musings of a creepy old guy in song format, but it could possibly be a reality, and a reality which we should all be fearful of! Because, that’s our media – fear fear fear fear fear!!! Be afraid!!!





Holy shit!! Yeah he’s going to get a whole bunch of people killed in the process. But remember the terror code list from the Bush era where things were red to green in terms of severity? Well, Trump downgraded the severity of Soleimani’s killing from “imminent threat” to “deterrence”. Despite that the government and citizens of Iran are saying literally the opposite.





I don’t claim to know a lot, but I’m pretty sure that’s not how a red herring works. And now we play the blame game. Who is getting blamed for this? Well since no one reads past the headlines anymore, the US is blaming Iran, and Iran is blaming the US. But Iran doesn’t have a petulant man baby currently holding the highest office in the land. Apparently they haven’t joined the Putin Dictators’ Club yet .I hear there are a few memberships open for that position.





Yeah that’s kind of what the international blame game is like. I would talk more about the horrible plane crash that happened in Baghdad as a result of this, but making fun of that would be beneath us. That said, we can talk about President Man Baby’s revealing of why he killed Soleimani. I mean really this begs the question – did Mar A Lago guests know about the killing before hand? And the other question - WAR! HUH! WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR? Absolutely nothing!!! Say it again!!






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[font size="8"]Impeachment Part 2
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From: Idiots #8-4

Yeah so there’s a lot of news and conflicting reports surrounding impeachment coming through the pike and you’re going to be hearing a lot of it. Unfortunately we won’t get to the Trump Barfs His Brain rally in New Jersey this week. Nor will we get to his interview before the Super Bowl. I mean who knew that he could land an interview with Sean Hannity? Really? You really need to know the answer to that question? Because if you have to answer why Sean Hannity is interviewing Trump, you are in the wrong place my friend. It’s been long established on this program that Hannity has his lips super glued to Trump’s ass and not even the strongest crowbar could pry them off.





Hey man I thought the NFL had a policy against showing boobs on TV! Thank you I will take that one, audience! Back to impeachment. We talked about the witnesses in the first entry. For this entry I want to talk about the transcripts. You know Trump, like the broken record that he is, is insisting that we read the transcripts. Which we’re betting that he hasn’t. We’re also betting most of his supporters haven’t either.





Read the transcripts! Read the transcripts! Shut up! There’s no such thing as a “perfect” phone call, Trump. Only in your warped mind could that happen. But then again there’s a lot of things he says that don’t make sense. But come on, is there anything that Trump doesn’t lie about? Is there anything that his increasingly warped supporters won’t lie about?





Damn straight he does! And when it comes to impeachment, it’s not the transcript we’re interested in, and there’s no way that Hunter Biden did what Trump said he did. And how can we read the transcript when it’s being read under lock and key? Yeah no, that transcript it’s already been said and done, it’s this transcript that I’m interested in! Really, shut up, Trump. You’re fired.






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[font size="8"]Rush Limbaugh
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From: Idiots #8-6

Let’s spin it to win it! And it lands on… come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop!!! Something random in the news!





Come on, if you’re going to tell a bunch of beer drinkers their product is crap, at least come back with something better than White Claw. That shit is basically La Croix mixed with alcohol mixed with tap water. Why not just chug some pure grain alcohol like Always Sunny In Philadelphia? Seriously, was Florida Man visiting Brooklyn? Spin it again! Talk shows! Folks, last week it was reported that Rush Limbaugh has potentially terminal lung cancer. Which prompted an outpouring of support from conservatives everywhere while Democrats were asking the question “Should we feel remorse for someone we hate?”. Well the answer to that one is a very complex one. And there’s no easy answer.





Now come on, who knew that Rush had a heart to begin with? Oh now we kid, that’s the kind of joke we actually can make. And here’s one that isn’t. OK so Rush Limbaugh has said an awful lot of shit in the last 30 years. Among his greatest hits, he’s gone on Carr mocked rape victims, trashed disabled war veterans and famously had that beef with Michael J. Fox after his Parkinsons diagnosis. But you know what we don’t do? We don’t wish death on people we don’t agree with, even if they are ugly people both on the outside and inside. Just wait for nature to take its’ course.





Yeah no, we don’t encourage that kind of thing here. And if there’s one thing that you never, ever do, it’s piss off the cult. Because they will hold a grudge against you well into the next century. But here’s one thing that you should never, ever do – don’t ever, EVER celebrate that someone else has cancer, because it’s a shitty disease no matter who has it. And if you’re like the above teacher, really, there’s no time or place for that. Leave it to yourself.






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[font size="8"]Public Enemy Vs Bernie Sanders
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From: Idiots #8-9

There’s no debating that Bernie Sanders is arguably the most polarizing candidate of this or any presidential election cycle. Those that love Bernie, reeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaly love Bernie (see: Top 10 #8-7 ) and those that hate Bernie, well, they really hate him. I actually had the privilege of attending the rally in Los Angeles this week where the shit show between Public Enemy and long time collaborator and founding member Flavor Flav (FLAVOR FLAAAAAAAAAAV!!!!) clashed for what may be the final time in their career. I mean really if Bernie can’t keep Public Enemy together, how is he going to unite the country? Seriously, I’m asking for a friend. Although when you look at it, one wonders how Chuck D and Flavor Flav did anything together, let alone for 37 fucking years. That is a long ass time to do anything! So here’s what went down.





FLAVOR FLAV!!! Holy shit, I think the craziest thing about this story is that Flavor Flav is 59 years old, damn! That means that Public Enemy has been a band as long as I have been alive! But here’s where this story escalated quickly. Public Enemy states that their dispute with Flavor Flav wasn’t about politics. Uh, what? I mean it’s Chuck D, pretty much everything he does is about politics. Shit, I remember when he hosted that Air America show way back when that was a thing.





And in case Flavor Flav didn’t already regret this decision, well, he’s got a much different story than what Chuck D was telling the press. Now at this point you might be asking “HEY! Isn’t this supposed to be Top 10 *CONSERVATIVE* Idiots?”. And I answer you – this is my show, I get to talk about whatever the hell I want, damn it, and I was at this rally. So that said, here’s what Flavor Flav had to say.





Dude, seriously, Chuck D, you should have just given him a severance package and a gold watch, he’s probably already eligible for retirement. Hey come on, I kid. I’m not age shaming. But the disputes going between the two should probably stop. And Flavor Flav don’t do free benefits, that’s just the way he rolls. So who approved of what and where is this going? Well the answer is very polarizing.






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Coronavirus Disinformation
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates!



The coronavirus has upended our way of life as we know it. As such, people are looking for any way we can return to some kind of normalcy before this virus ravaged civilization around the globe. The fact is that this is a pandemic the likes of which we have never seen. But before we can gain a sense of our normal life the way it was before the pandemic happened, we need a vaccine. And because we need a vaccine, and a good 65% of the entire world needs it before it can be considered eradicated, there’s obviously going to be some detractors. So where is the Coronavirus misinformation campaign coming from and why is it out to destroy us? It could be worse than the virus itself.





Yes, we will probably all be acting like Mr. Burns for the foreseeable future. But like all bad things, the war on the truth about what coronavirus is really doing to us is coming from Facebook. Now Facebook like all social media sites, has an obligation to police the content on its’ site. But considering that conservatives are declaring war on sites like Facebook for “bias”, then this is what the sites are really doing.





But in fact the misinformation campaign surrounding coronavirus may be as bad and infectious as the virus itself. And that’s not a good thing because what we don’t know about this virus and how it behaves can be just as prevalent as what we do know. The thing is, this is a new virus the likes of which we have never seen and the fact that it can infect a good majority of the people on this earth is bad. The disinformation campaign will make it even worse than it already is.





That’s about what the virus disinformation campaign is like. If you see it on social media, and you’re pretty sure that it’s bullshit, chances are good that it most likely is. Also, just like your neighbor’s frothing at the mouth pro-Trump rantings on his social media page, the worst of it is coming from bot accounts designed to spread misinformation. And as we’ve said, the misinformation campaign is probably as bad as the disease itself. Just don’t fall for it.





That’s it this week for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.





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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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From: Idiots #8-3

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters of Amherst! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! You know we talk a lot of crap about super right wing Christian fundamentalists but there’s people like this in every religion. And the war is the same – it’s traditional vs modern. And I say this because there’s a group of let’s say old men, in this country who do not embrace change. Take for instance our good friends in the Catholic Church. Now don’t boo. Don’t boo. The Catholic Church has long looked to overturn this barbaric practice of priests and celibacy. And it’s a fight that goes back centuries. But while they’ve made great strides with Pope Francis, a former pope, Pope Benedict, has stepped in and well, he’s got some thoughts.





Yes, Pope Benedict, you might want to sit this one out. And I’ve seen Spotlight, I know what goes on behind closed confessional booths. So you’re booing me now. Ah, so now the tables have turned, haven’t they? But this war goes deep, my fair congregation. So deep that it could have some devastating long term effects on the Vatican itself.





And by the way in case you’re wondering if the Catholic Church is in full “move along, nothing to see here” mode, whew, oh boy are they ever. But really Pope Benedict, you might want to sit this one out, especially after new allegations are surfacing against priests and abuse. The only real crisis here is that there’s a bunch of abusers and they are showing no remorse for the victims that they abused. Pope Francis is trying to steer the church in a much more modern tradition.





That is a good point Reverend, but we’ll save that for a different sermon. Because I’m sure that’s not what the good LAWRD JAYSUS would want! And really by the way, give it up for my choir, how great are they? So if the Catholic Church can’t get it together on priests and marriage, what can they get it together on? Well don’t expect them to come to a conclusion anytime soon.





Yes so if we learned anything during our sermon today, just about everything is a sin, and this might be one of the most egregious of all! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Your Favorite Celebrity Is Over
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From: Idiots #8-15



Can you really be over your favorite celebrity? Well there’s plenty of reasons why you should, and also plenty of reasons why you shouldn’t. What makes this even weirder is that these celebrities who are “over” are being cherry picked and for ridiculously crazy reasons. But what you might not know is that the forces that are driving these social media trends aren’t. Like all bad things, this trend got hijacked by bots pushing Korean pop videos and trying to downplay American culture. But what you might not know is where this originated from. This entire thing started when Nicki Minaj decided to ditch her record label and hold an “Atlantic Records Is Over” party.





God can you imagine what would happen if Nicki Minaj and Cardi B got together in the same room? I can imagine there will be lots of yelling and bling comparisons, followed by which tiny purse dog is better than the other one. Now you would think this hashtag would end there. But oh no, just like a certain virus, it spread. And it spread to a whole bunch of different celebrities. Like Demi Lovato for instance!





Yeah so chalk this up to a dose of fake outrage and people who clearly don’t get the idea of what they are talking about. Now that’s the female side of this equation. What about the male side of this equation – let’s look at Adam Driver, the star of the recent string of Star Wars films. Is he over? Oh you had better believe that he’s over!





Really? You’re mad that Adam Driver joined the Marines in his early life? No wonder that guy looks like he could kill you more ways than John Wick. Or how about another unlikely celebrity to get tangled up in all of this mess – Brendan Urie? You know him as the lead singer and performer of Panic! At The Disco, but did you know that he made some transphobic remarks in the early days of PATD? Well, neither did we! And he’s famous for playing a drag performer in “Kinky Boots”!






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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to our segment where we delve into the latest coming from the minds of the seriously depraved, it’s Conspiracy Corner! I am not at the Top 10 headquarters in Anaheim, California. Instead I am coming to you live from a doomsday prepper shelter in the middle of western Iowa. Why Iowa? Why not? There’s plenty of corn fields which makes the possibility of an underground bunker all the more conspicuous! Just let me adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference… ah, there we go! Well this week, in the middle of all the insanity coming from the protests, a new movement has been birthed! And it’s not a movement any of us would want. Because it involves angry white guys with long beards, Hawaiian shirts, some giant machine guns, and a good healthy dose of MAGA pride! What do they call this movement? They call it “The Boogaloo Movement”. Yes, you read that right!





Yes, if you see these guys show up at your local protest, just be aware. They’re not there to dance and sing Kumbaya, they’re there to stir some shit up! So you might be asking yourself – what kind of weapons and artillery are these guys carrying? Well, just like their beers, the Boogaloo Bois… yes, I am being told by my producer that is how they spell their name… They like their guns as long as their beards.





Man remember the good old days when luaus used to mean giant roasted pigs, bon fires, and Hawaiian ukulele music? Well, now the far right has ruined that image, just like everything else good that they’ve taken a colossal dump on. But just remember if they show up at your protests, they’re not there to do a hula dance. They’re there to fuck some serious shit up! Especially when their supposed enemy has been defined by the president, though it’s not even clear who that is!





So it may not be Antifa at all who are the agitators of this thing. Yes, Antifa is a mysterious organization with no central leadership who generally shows up at protests to beat the shit out of groups like the Proud Boys and Patriot Prayer. But the real agitators are these big burly white manliest males who ever maled wearing Hawaiian shirts and carrying big machine guns. Those are the people who you need to watch out for! Until then I think I will stay here in my underground bunker until the dust settles!






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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From: Idiots #8-5

Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people and people are dumb. And as such whenever we visit the great state of Florida, we have to do a special all Florida man edition of People Are Dumb. Look, Florida, we kid. But you do bring the crazy extra hard. And before we get into this, I want to give a shout out to the @Floridaman_ Twitter feed that really just goes beyond to keep track of all the crazy happening in the Sunshine State. Let’s start with this story out of Miami. Sigh here’s the thing people, we may hate Trump here and everything that he stands for. But let’s condone any acts of violence against him or his properties or the people in them. That said, this story has some of everything that makes Florida insane and weird.





That’s right, Dude! Next up, we go to the city of Orlando for this one. And here’s the thing, if you don’t have anything creative to write when you’re hammered and you’ve got a can of spray paint, maybe the best thing to do is just walk away. But not for this guy who painted – I shit you not – the word “slur” on the bathroom wall. This is a thing that happened!





Next up, we’re going to stay in the city of Orlando – what’s up with Orlando this week? They’re taking double doses of crazy pills! Anyway, I don’t know much about boating, nor will I claim to know anything about boating, but I’m pretty sure this is not how the gas tank on a boat is supposed to operate. But it’s also probably best not to get the fire department involved in your own stupidity as well.





Unless of course you have it inserted in the wrong hole. Yes, thank you sir! That’s what she said! Finally – we go to South Florida and the city of Fort Lauderdale for this one. So we’ve all been the victims of credit and debit card fraud at some point. Because there’s a lot of sleazebags out there to get their hands on your data. But this next story asks a lot of questions, namely, how does one spend $68 at Little Caesars?





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Keeping Up With The Candidates Ep.21: Joe & Bernie
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From: Idiots #8-4



Welcome back to our 2020 voters’ guide Keeping Up With The Candidates! Where we combine all the news, issues, polls, and candidates you care about! We are exactly one month down, we have 11 long, grueling, and fucking insane months to go before we elect the next president of the United States. And we had an entirely different entry planned this week. But over the weekend, Joe Rogan started trending and it was because of his “all-in” support for Vermont Senator and old man trying to send back soup in a deli, Bernie Sanders. Yes, thank George Costanza for that line. But do you welcome a guy into the party who some have called “The Gateway Drug To The Alt Right”? Yes, Joe Rogan commands one of the biggest troll armies in the world and he’s been known to cheat, harass, and slam people online who he doesn’t agree with, and is part of the reason why our culture has become so toxic. So, what’s up?





That is a good point Bernie! So is Joe Rogan a guy who you really want on your side? He’s a bit racist, extremely misogynistic, and commands a troll army that would dwarf the one that is owned by glorious dictator Vladimir Putin. And if you want to know some of Rogan’s greatest hits, well, let’s take this time to go down the wormhole, shall we?





So here’s the thing – do we include Joe Rogan’s die hard fans in the mix or do we not? I mean at one point the guy was called “the gateway drug to the Alt Right”. And that is a label that nobody under any circumstances should be strapped with. But his raunchy behavior and a tendency to ignore rules and all sense of common decency aside, do we include them in the party or not? He could be the key to defeating Trump and sending this administration packing, or not.





Oh come on people stop rabbling! Yeah Joe Rogan has a track record and a history of being a boorish buffoon reminiscent of your average Trump supporter. But let’s face facts – beating Trump should be our number one priority and we can’t keep fighting with ourselves if we’re going to beat him. We must unite damn it! And if we have to include Rogan supporters in the mix, so be it!





[font size="4"]Next Week:[/font]

Why are people in Iowa protesting outside Joe Biden’s office? We will analyze this and much more coming out of Iowa.



See you next week!

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