November 28, 2018

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #5-21: Wheel Of Corruption & The Half Blood Prince Pt. 2 Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #5-21: Wheel Of Corruption & The Half Blood Prince Pt. 2 Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! What’s up Phoenix? Hey you guys are the last stop on our US tour this year. Ah, now don’t be sad! we will be back soon. And yes there are liberals in Phoenix, I know a few of them! I know this is Sheriff Joe country. Whew, man, I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving, because shit got real dark real quick. So let’s talk about something fun, like how Axl Rose put on the Guns N Roses show of a lifetime despite the fact that he was violently ill. So they were in Abu Dhabi doing a show, and came out and told the crowd that he wasn’t feeling great. But they went on to play a whopping 20 songs. I don’t care who you are or where you come from but that’s pretty damned impressive if you ask me! So naturally they were getting a lot of crap from the local radio stations but really, who cares? Dave Grohl played 10 songs after he crashed to the floor and broke his leg! That’s true dedication. And as to whether or not they’re going to let something like a little vomit ruin the end of their tour? GNR said hell no! They plan to power through the next few months and finish out the tour as scheduled. I have to say GNR has my newfound respect, and I still love that Axl Rose continues to troll Trump over Trump’s use of Sweet Child O’ Mine at his rallies. If you don’t follow Axl on Twitter, you definitely should! OK that’s enough of the intro, we got a lot of idiocy to get to, but first for John Oliver’s season finale, we have to play his story on the rise of authoritarianism around the globe, and if you’re not alarmed by this, you should be:

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Holy shit, where do we begin this week? Hey everybody, the Wheel Of Corruption is back! And, to start with, we got to talk about the guy who we currently call “president”, Donald J. Trump (1) and his iron fist policy at the US – Mexican border, and yeah, that is the stuff of pure fucking evil. In the second slot this week is also Donald Trump (2) and he's setting a rather dangerous and almost certainly evil precedent by putting the interests of Saudi Arabia and that insane $110 billion arms deal above the interests of American citizens. Yes, this is a bad deal with a dirty dealer and very evil. And speaking of evil, for the third slot this week, we got to talk about the Proud Boys (3). So after the brew ha ha in Brooklyn, Gavin McInnes quit the group and it’s an absurdly stupid tale of the possible demise of everyone’s favorite Trump loving hate group. In the fourth slot, we’re all gonna die!!!! Well not really but this extremely alarming new study on climate change (4) is going to be presenting some grim news that might have the potential to kill us all. In the fifth slot this week is of course our weekly investigative piece Top 10 Investigates (5) and this week, we’re going to take a look at a chicken pox outbreak in an ant-vaccination stronghold in North Carolina, and more importantly, where is the bullshit coming from? At number 6 is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week our resident pastor is going to ask the question “Is CNN Satanic?”? Well the answer is in no way shocking if you know religious Trump supporters at all! For the seventh slot, we’ve got one of our favorite features – “Beating A Dead Horse” (7) and it’s back for the 3rd week in a row. So did you see the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade this year? If so you might have seen two women kissing, and well, the religious right is having NONE of that. Yeah, give it a rest! For the 8th slot this week we’ve got a brand new feature for you, and it’s simply called “NO!!!!”. Did you hear about the high school seniors in Baraboo, Wisconsin who made a Nazi salute for a yearbook photo? NO!!!! Or simply NEIN!!!! And speaking of the ninth slot (NEIN!!!!), we’ve got a new, Thanksgiving edition of People Are Dumb (9), because even during the holidays, stupid doesn’t take one! Finally this week we’ve got a brand new installment of our ongoing series that explains how government works to your Trump loving friends and relatives, Deep State Diaries (10) is going to take a look at the US Census Bureau! Controversy alert! And to cap it off, we’ve got some live music for you from Linkin Park’s own Mike Shinoda! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

Hey everyone say it with me: It’s time for the WHEEL OF CORRUPTION! YAY!!!!!



Of course you know the rules by now – I spin the wheel and we have to talk about whatever it lands on. Of course if it lands on the guacamole option, you know that it costs $1.50 extra. So here’s what is on the wheel this week:

- Guns
- Abortion
- Crime
- Racism
- Poverty
- Election Theft
- Buy A Vowel
- Clip Without Context
- Greed
- Sexism
- Spying
- Food
- Elections
- Donald Trump
- Clip Without Context
- Chance
- 5,000
- Bankrupt
- No
- Community Chest
- Donald Trump
- A Random Tweet
- Something Random In The News
- ‘Merica!
- Golf
- 10,000
- Guacamole
- Holy Shit
- Beating A Dead Horse
- This Fucking Guy
- How Is This Still A Thing?
- Harry Potter
- 15,000
- People Are Dumb
- I Need A Drink
- Infowars
- T-Shirt Cannon
- Lightning Round
- Bonus Spin

Let’s get this going! Spin that shit! Come on, no whammy, no whammy, no whammy… stop!!! And it’s a random tweet!

https://twitter.com/RightWingWatch/status/1064965785397993473

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… post apocalypse Thanksgiving dinner in a bucket! That just looks so appetizing doesn’t it? Just look at the green bean casserole, that looks like vomit doesn’t it? Spin it again! Donald Trump! So yeah, the caravan finally hit the Mexican border, and as you can imagine it was a complete shit show. Rather than being met with open arms and doing what it says on the bottom of the Statue of Liberty, instead, Trump raised his middle finger high in the air and lobbied teargas at the people who wanted in, because, illegal immigrant hysteria.





Really? That’s a thing? I mean seriously how deluded do you have to be to even suggest such a thing? Oh wait, he was at a rally for Cindy Hyde-Smith, a racist who keeps losing her sponsors, because she’s such a racist. OK, moving on. But really, the immigration debate has gone completely off the rails and now these are the kinds of things we’re forced to deal with. But one thing the border isn’t? it’s not Trump’s personal plaything!





Yeah so that did happen. And not only that, Trump continues to pour gasoline on the fire, because hey, that’s exactly what he does. I mean the Statue Of Liberty does not read “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, and go fuck yourselves!”. No, it doesn’t! And not only that, Trump is going full Nazi and threatening to close the border!





Wow, even I’m out on this one. So president man baby continues to use the border as his personal play toy and is using it to get his bullshit wall, which isn’t going to stop shit. I mean really if you build a 50 foot wall, someone is going to build a 60 foot ladder. Just ask Berlin how well that went. Thank you audience! But this might be the most insane justification of these war crimes being committed at the border:





Oh yeah you can use military grade pepper spray as a taco topping! It goes great with Sriracha! But really guys, grow the fuck up. Oh wait, you don’t. And of course President Man Baby doubles down on the crimes he committed this week:






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s give the wheel a good strong spin shall we? And it lands on… wait for it… oh hey it’s a clip without context!



Someone’s not getting any! Uh… so how do you explain the hot lesbians, Dave? Yeah there’s a hole in your theory there. Spin it again! Donald Trump. So in the last week, Trump has put that insane arms deal with Saudi Arabia at the forefront of his Saudi Arabia First policy. Hey you know what? Let’s make Saudi Arabia Great Again! Riyadh first! And so on. Trump is really trying hard to bury the murder of Jamal Khashoogi, but really that is one thing that will come back to bite him in the ass hard when the dems take over the House in October.





Make Saudi Arabia Great Again! Make Saudi Arabia Great Again! Make Saudi Arabia Great Again! Ooh, man that was a nice little chant we had going there! But yeah that seemed to be the general consensus here. So why won’t Trump sanction these murderous scumbags? Instead, he wants to give them more weapons, because, deal!





Woohoo!!! World war III is a coming, yo! But really this is a classic damned if you do, damned if you don’t scenario. But of course Der Trumpenfuror doesn’t see it that way. He’ll do it both ways if it means pissing off the other side.





So if you’re keeping score at home, state sanctioned murder, egregious misuse of the military, and violence against journalists are apparently all OK now by their standards. How did we get in this mess in the first place and how are we going to get out of it? Well, deal!






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[font size="8"]The Proud Boys
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s give the wheel a good strong spin shall we? And it lands on… wait for it… Woohoo! I win 5,000 of something. Not sure what it is but it’s 5,000 of something! Spin it again! And it lands on… Racism. I am loving watching the Proud Boys implode aren’t you? Well after their latest Rumble In The Bronx (see: Idiots #5-17 ), apologies to Jackie Chan, it seems that Paypal is doing the thing that they did to Infowars and revoked their privileges, and it seems that Gavin McInnes is ready to jump ship and wash his hands clean of the group. Here’s more.





Really? New York Nine? That’s the worst mafia name ever! I mean if you guys are going to be classified as an extremist group by the FBI you should come up with something more threatening! Like Killer Cult or Fight Club, oh wait, that one’s already taken. But you know the song – Saturday Night’s All Right For Fighting, but if you’re the Proud Boys… you might be seeing the inside of a jail cell relatively soon.





Oh sure, it’s all fun and games until someone gets slapped with an assault charge! Maybe that’s why Gavin is bailing on the group? Well, like all horrible things, the Proud Boys started after Trump’s inauguration with the intent of “owning the snowflakes”. But hey, they had their fun and they beat the shit out of some Antifa noobs. But meet the new leader of the Proud Boys, who promises to take the group in a much cleaner direction!





Excuse me a minute… but yeah I think a Proud Boys rally is kind of like that. After all there is heavy drinking involved, and I’ve always seemed to think that they and Antifa must have synced up drinking schedules or something. But you know, they’re your average fun loving white supremacists, now with less fighting!






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[font size="8"]We’re All Gonna Die
[br] [/font] [br] B

Spin it!!!! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop! No, a whammy!!!!



Spin it again! And it lands on the environment! Hey, everyone guess what? We’re all gonna die! Yeah woooooooooooooooooo!!!! Woooooooooo. Woo. Woo. So how are we gonna die this week? It’s not in a nuclear holocaust yet, but it is instead going to be from extremely toxic pollution and a 3 degree change in the climate! It will kill us all… eventually. We think. But of course the powers that be simply don’t give a shit. And I mean they really don’t give a shit! Take a look at what our so called leader is trying to do with the report this week.





Yeah so we’re all gonna die! Not from a nuclear holocaust, but the Trump administration is working hard to making Black Lungs Great Again! you know guys, there’s a reason why it’s called “Black Lung”. And no, it’s



?w=286

If you thought the 2018 hurricanes and fires were bad, wait until you see the 2019 hurricanes and wildfires! Hey I don’t remember there being a triple digit storm category! And if the fires and hurricanes are going to destroy your house, guess what? They’re also going to destroy your wallet! So you might want to hang on to your cash now, ladies and gentlemen!





Yeah probably. So this is going to destroy your home and possibly your wallet, and your investments and anything else you might hold dear. I mean shit, this news is so devastating that the entire world might be turning upside down. Hey, Al Gore warned us! He warned us! So, with that, get ready to say hello to the Great Brown North!






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin the wheel shall we? Come on wheel goes round, wheel goes round, wheel goes round… and it lands on… another Clip Without Context!



Ah yes, I believe this is known as the classic “I’m Rubber You’re Glue” defense. Famously used in the case of Doo Doo Head V. Poo Poo Head. Spin it again! It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates!



There’s many things that you could possibly die from during your lifespan, and there’s many things happening now that could signal the end on a mass scale. Those things include the possibility of a nuclear holocaust and polluting on a catastrophic scale. But there’s one thing that you could possibly die from that you might not expect – deadly diseases that were supposedly eradicated decades ago. With the rise of anti-vaccination crusaders that’s a very real possibility.





So how did this happen? How did we get to this point? Well there’s many theories but one theory seems to stem from religion and the fact that many religious people are adopting the idea that not vaccinating your kids means you won’t get autism. But they don’t know that. In fact nobody does. But the last thing anyone wants is small pox, chicken pox, polio or anything of the sort.





No one is forcing you to do anything. But wouldn’t you rather sleep easier at night knowing that you’re not going to get deadly diseases? Wow, that is an astonishing level of stupid. So this is the biggest outbreak of the deadly disease known as chicken pox that hasn’t been seen in 20 years.





Apparently you’re not doing a very good job of it. So why did this community earn such a badge of dishonor? What could be the cause of 110 out of 156 kids not being properly vaccinated? Well the answer may shock you. Those anti vaccination messages you’re getting on your social media feeds? Guess where those might be coming from? Well, the answer is in no, way, shape, or form shocking.





Yup, it’s Russia again. Which makes us wonder whether or not Russia should just be banned from the internet – they offer nothing but bad ideas. That’s it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.





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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin the wheel shall we? And it lands on… oh hey it’s a clip without context!



Oh yeah because an extinction level event is just so damn funny isn’t it? Well… spin it again! Oh hey it’s time for Holy Shit! Gather around, my fair brothers and sisters of Phoenix, it’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate! For the Holy Church of the Top 10 has convened and it’s our weekly duty to remind you why the holiest among us are also the most full of:



My fair congregation! You know in my quest to understand supporters of the Dark One, whose name shall not be spoken in my church, I came upon a stark realization. And that is that they have a warped view of what is satanic or not. Because the man who they put on a pedestal as a shining example of GAWD himself is actually a DAYMON!!! And apparently there are organizations with views that one might call “satanic”.





No, Rick, that is not a fact, that is well, it’s whatever the opposite of a fact is! So apparently CNN is something that someone might call “Satanic”. But no! Let me show you what real SATANISM is, ladies and gentlemen! But yes these people really do think that CNN is the spawn of the devil himself!!!





Yes, the DAYMON hellfire is everywhere and the scourge of the wrath of GAWD shall not go unnoticed, can I get an amen!!! For it says in our good book “judge not lest ye be judged”, does it not? And I can prove it, I have it right here. But that’s not real SATANISM. Nothing is, at least how they are describing it! Here’s some real Satanism at work!





So the DEVIL is all around us, as you can clearly see! If not in our news networks then it’s in our network shows! I mean it’s all well and good but what does the Church Of Satan really think?





Yes, because apparently the devil works more among us than GAWD and JAYSUS do! Now in the Good Book does it not say that the dark one shall appear as creature of light? Yes, yes, it does I have it right here in front of me, sir! I mean even the church of SATAN says that DEMONIC forces are far more at work than an organization reporting on the news!





There you have it folks, the DEVIL may not be working in CNN but he is definitely working in our media and our graffiti! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin the wheel shall we? Wheel goes round, and it lands on… what? Bankrupt? NO!!!!!



Spin it again. Oh hey it’s time for Beating A Dead Horse!



You know there are guarantees in America. Like you can guarantee that Trump is going to wake up, that is, assuming he sleeps at all, thinking “how can I be a dick today?”. You can also count on the internet outrage machine to crank it up way past 11 any time there’s a homosexual kiss on TV. And by outrage machine, I mean conservative Christian snowflakes who call themselves “family organizations” can really turn on the tears. So after the kiss seen ‘round America between two lesbian lovers on national TV, guess how they reacted? Well… very predictably as you might imagine!





You know what? Let’s throw that twee t up there for a minute.

https://twitter.com/ForAmerica/status/1065623392072675328

Yeah well hey, if these children’s parents had Fox News on this weekend, they probably also saw their fellow children get tear gas lobbied at them by a government who’s declared them second class citizens simply because they’re not from around here! Which is more horrifying? Thank you audience! But the details are even more horrifying! Who is the group behind the outrage? Why it’s ForAmerica – a Christian conservative group dedicated to fighting those godless heathens on the left!





Yeah even if the plan is horrifying, like two actresses getting a PG kiss on the lips. And if you want to see the negative reviews for such an event, look no further than what the twitter reviews are saying. They hate us, they really hate us!





Oh boo fucking hoo! And hey, the 1950s called, they want their talking point back. You know what? Let’s show the clip!



Think of those poor people crossing the border who literally have nothing, and you’re outraged by that? Turn your damn TV off and get outside once in a while and go see how the real world works! And anyone else really surprised that they are calling for a boycott? If you’re keeping score at home, that’s #320 for Trump fans, and maybe one or two for us!






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[font size="8"]NO!!!!!
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin the wheel shall we? Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop! Chance!



Hey all right, my luck is starting to turn! Spin it again! And it lands on “NO!!!!”. That’s right – it’s time for our new segment:



That’s right – NO! Just… fucking no! So America, don’t be fucking Nazis! And don’t be fucking Nazis, either! In an era that we live in where hate crimes, white supremacy, and dare I say it – neo Nazism are on the rise not only in America, but around the globe, is this incident something that we really need right now? I’m of course referring to that disgusting story out of Babaroo, Wisconsin where the senior class, in what’s being called a “yearbook prank”, threw up a good old fashioned Nazi salute. Yeah some casual in your face racism, that's real fucking funny guys! So in short – NO!!!!!, or should I say NEIN!!!!!





Yes, NO!!!! I mean don’t be fucking Nazis. Nazism isn’t funny, it never was, nor will it ever be. And can we assume that these dudes will vote for Trump at some point? I mean we already know where they stand on the issues. Now here’s where it gets weird, and why wouldn’t it?





Yeah no shit! I know I wouldn’t want a fucking Nazi sitting next to me while I’m taking multi variable calculus! So really, don’t be Nazis, I cannot stress that enough. I mean if you want to see a real Nazi at work, just check out what Tomi Lahren said over the weekend:





Yeah that’s going full Nazi! I mean if the highlight of your Thanksgiving is that you got to see innocent mothers and children being gassed for wanting to live, you’re a psychopath! These are human beings escaping persecution and murderous regimes we’re talking about here, and you’re making them out to be dangerous criminals. That’s going full Hitler. But what you might not be aware of is that free speech does protect these guys. And no woman would do something that stupid, unless said woman happens to be Tomi Lahren.





And by the way in case you’re wondering what the school’s official stance on this is, they plan to increase education and awareness about what Hitler did in order to prevent future incidents like this. Hey! You’re a school! You should have been educating kids about Hitler in the first place! Maybe sit all the kids in that class except for that one dude who thought that maybe this wasn’t a good idea!






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin it to win it! And it lands on… no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop!!!! Oh hey it’s a clip without context!



I think even somewhere Jesus is going “You’re doing this wrong”, Lance! Spin it again! Oh hey it’s time for People Are Dumb!



Oh man there was a lot of dumb over the holiday weekend. And there was a lot of dumb particularly in our favorite state. Yes, you know that state – the state that elected Ron DeSantis governor. So I want to start with this story out of Polk County, Florida. Here’s…. here’s my whole thing. If you are buying meth, and why wouldn’t you? It is Florida. And you want to know if your meth is legitimate or not, maybe don’t ask your doctor about quality control.





Next up I want to bring you this cringe worthy story out of Heilongjiang, China. OK, if you want to… yeah cue the parental discretion warning, thank you sound effects guy! So here’s the thing – you’re not Johnny Mnemonic. You don’t have a USB port anywhere on you. And you especially don’t have one in your male organ area. Just… aah!!!!!!!!





OK now that we got that out of the way, while we’re on the other side of the world, apparently Russia’s Troll Army has been listening to too many American conspiracy theories lately, and they’re going back to investigate whether or not the moon landing was real. Yes, 1982 called, they want their conspiracy theory back!





Thankfully it wasn’t like that! Finally this week for People Are Dumb, we go to this story out of Germany. Hey look, everyone knows how awesome it is to finally land your drivers license. But that feeling can literally disappear in an instant as this kid proved in the Märkischer Kreis region of Germany.





Yes, shit just got real all right! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Deep State Diaries Episode 21: The United States Census Bureau
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin the wheel one final time this week. And it lands on… t-shirt cannon! Everyone will be getting our new Top 10 Dems Take The House shirt! Yeah look at that! Spin it again! Oh hey it’s time for Deep State Diaries! Hit it!



It’s time for episode 21 of Deep State Diaries. Yes we’re touring the many, many branches and services that make up the United States government. Everything from the FBI to the IRS to the Pentagon to the CIA to the DPW to the DVA to parks and recreation and all branches and services in between. Of course if you’re here you probably already know more about our government and how it works than your average Fox News loving Trump supporter does. So that’s what this segment is going to address. We are going to do a deep dive into all that makes the United States the United States. Because we here at the Top 10 love to educate as well as entertain. Because we care.

[font size="6"]The US Census Bureau[/font]


So every 10 years the United States takes part in what’s called a census. That census answers a lot of questions about the population of the United States. And the agency that monitors this census is called the United States Census Bureau. And they’ve been in the news a lot lately because we’re two years out from the 2020 census and that is going to be very interesting to see what the end results of this questionnaire are. So why have they been in the news lately?





Yeah sure, facts don’t matter to him! I mean who are we kidding? So why the need for something like this to come along every 10 years? Well there’s a huge story on it that is making everyone really questioning our choices so far as a country.





No, no, no we don’t. Calm down there, chief. Did you see the previous article? Yeah so there’s been a huge decline in Mexican immigration and why should they come here if the message they’re getting told is “get the fuck out”?





Yeah probably. I mean accurate, schmacurate. What’s to stop this administration from fucking with the numbers and saying that everyone is white and religious? Oh wait, let’s not give them any ideas! But where else are you going to learn crazy stats about Americans like this?





Ah, I love “The Book Of Mormon”. Or what about this?





But nah, in this increasingly white supremacist climate, this is the most alarming news of all! The horror, the horror I tell you!





[font size="6"]Score Card [/font]

Overall importance: A
How Things Are Going: B
Likely hood To Survive: B+

Overall: B

[font size="6"]Next Week [/font]

Next week we’re heading to Langley, Virginia to hang with the Central Intelligence Agency! I would tell you more, but I might have to kill you.


[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Mike Shinoda[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is one of the heads of the band known as Linkin Park, his debut album is called “Post Traumatic” and you can see him at the KROQ Christmas Show December 8th at the Forum. Playing his song called “Running From My Shadow”, give it up for Mike Shinoda!




Thank you Phoenix! We had a great time here, we are back home next week for our third anniversary special edition! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: Tempe Improv, Tempe, AZ
Special Thanks To: Improv Group
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: Arizona State University Choir Club, Phoenix, AZ
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Mike Shinoda Appears Courtesy Of: Warner Bros Records
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

November 21, 2018

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Best Of #6: Thanksgiving Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Best Of #6: Thanksgiving Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! As you know by now this week is Thanksgiving, so naturally we’re off and going to be running another Best Of Edition. So while you’re enjoying Turkey Day and drinking large quantities of conservative tears in your cheaply imported coffee mugs, enjoy this best of the Top 10. For all the great stuff that we’ve been up to here and there’s things that slipped through the cracks. So for those of you who regularly follow the Top 10 through the year you know we’ve been touring a lot this year going to cities and meeting awesome liberals in all of these cities. As far as the tour goes, we’ve only got a few weeks left in the crazy year that is 2018 and we’ve still got to hit Arizona, Denver, and do a couple of home shows before going to our big London show on December 12th at the 99 Club in Leicester Square. That said, we recently announced a wave of 2019 tour dates and here’s where we are tentatively headed but things can be subject to change at any minute. So here is the schedule so far:

1/3/19 – Dark (Best Of) – New Year’s
1/9/19 – Portland, OR – McMenamin’s Bagdad Theater (Season Premiere)
1/16/19 – Seattle, WA - Comedy Underground (rescheduled from 9/5)
1/24/19 – Las Vegas, NV – Jokester’s Fremont St.
1/30/19 – Salt Lake City, UT – Wiseguys
2/6/19 – Anaheim, CA – Podfest LA @ Anaheim Convention Center
2/13/19 – Oxnard, CA – Levity Live (Valentine’s Day Special!)
2/20/19 - Ontario, CA - Ontario Improv
2/27/19 – Hollywood, CA – UCB Theater Franklin St
3/6/19 – Hollywood, CA – UCB Theater Franklin St(Stupidest State Contest – Selection Sunday)
3/13/19 - Hollywood, CA – UCB Theater Franklin St. (Stupidest State Round 1 Match 1)
3/20/19 – Atlanta, GA – Punchline Comedy Club (Stupidest State Round 1 Match 2)
3/27/19 – Tampa, FL – Tampa Improv (Stupidest State Round 1 Match 3)
4/3/19 – Washington, DC – DC Improv (Stupidest State Round 1 Match 4)
4/10/19 – New York City, NY – Grammercy Theater (Stupidest State Round 2 Match 1)
4/17/19 – Dark (Best Of - Spring Break / Easter)
4/24/19 – Denver, CO – Colorado Podcast Festival (Stupidest State Round 2 Match 2)
5/1/19 – San Diego, CA – American Comedy Co. (Stupidest State Round 2 Match 3)
5/8/19 – Missoula, MT – Big Sky Brewery (Stupidest State Round 2 Match 4)
5/15/19 – Long Beach, CA – Laugh Factory (Stupidest State Final Four)
5/22/19 – Hollywood, CA – UCB Theater Franklin St (Stupidest State Finals / Season Finale)

OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first we have to play the Bill Maher new rule where he compares Trump to the Old Testament god:



So where do we begin for this best of edition? In the first slot, from Idiots #5-8, we take a look at the conspiracy theory known as Q-Anon since it has become a mainstream fixture at Trump rallies across the country, even though we all know it’s grade A bullshit. In the second slot, from Idiots #5-6, Dennis Rodman gets a rare +1 for his next visit to North Korea and he wants to bring none other than Trump’s BFF Kanye West, and we explore the possibilities of a Harold And Kumar style adventure. In the 3rd slot, from Idiots #5-19, we delve into the epically failed plot to take down Mueller by a fake intelligence agency spearheaded by Trump superfans Jacob Wohl and Jack Berman, and it has all the makings of a good Wes Anderson flick or a terrible Coen Bros one. In the fourth slot, from Idiots #5-12, Stormy Daniels has officially ruined the collective childhood of 90s kids everywhere. Yeah, take that what you will! At number 5, from Idiots #5-11, our weekly investigative piece Top 10 Investigates takes a look at a growing feud between Tesla founder Elon Musk and the heroic deep sea divers who rescued those kids from that cave in Thailand. And at number 6, in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit”, from Idiots #5-14, our resident pastor is going to take a look at an insane new documentary from Liberty University called “The Trump Prophecy” starring crackpot Mark Taylor. Taking the 7th slot, from Idiots #5-13, it’s almost October, which prompts Explaining Jokes To Idiots takes a look at sexy Halloween costumes! Do we really need the sexy whatever? Find out! Taking the 8th slot, from Idiots #5-9, “This Fucking Guy” takes a look at dueling Christian conspiracy theorists Lance Wallnau and Rick Wiles. At number 9 (NEIN!!!) from Idiots #5-16 is “I Need A Drink” and we need a few drinks to tell you about Kanye West’s epic cyber security fail and how we’re not at all surprised that his passcode is 00000. Finally this week, from Idiots #5-10, Deep State Diaries is going to take a look at the government institution that everyone loves to hate, the Department Of Motor Vehicles, and we encourage you to do your best impression of Patty & Selma here. And we’re going to close with that time we had AWOLNATION on from Idiots #5-6. Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Qanon
[br] [/font] [br]

From Idiots #5-8

Hey everybody! It’s time for the WHEEL OF CORRUPTION! YAY!!!!!



Of course you know the rules by now – I spin the wheel and we have to talk about whatever it lands on. Of course if it lands on the guacamole option, you know that it costs $1.50 extra. So here’s what is on the wheel this week:

- Guns
- Abortion
- Crime
- Poverty
- Sex
- Chance
- 5,000
- Infowars
- Nazis
- Go Directly To Jail
- Buy A Vowel
- The Trumper Games
- Lawsuits
- Whammy
- Donald Trump
- People Are Dumb
- ‘Merica!
- How Is This Still A Thing?
- A Random Tweet
- 10,000
- Community Chest
- Talk Shows
- Clip Without Context
- Something Random In The News
- Fox News
- Top 10 Investigates
- Polls
- Chance
- Nukes
- Civility
- Intermission
- Deep State Diaries
- 15,000
- Bankrupt
- Morally Bankrupt
- Golf
- The GOP
- Butter Beer
- Community Chest
- Florida (Obviously)
- This Fucking Guy
- Beating A Dead Horse
- Holy Shit
- Guacamole ($1.50 Extra)
- Harry Potter
- T-Shirt Cannon
- ? (Mystery Item)
- I Need A Drink
- Lightning Round
- Bonus Spin

Let’s get this going! Spin that shit! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy stop! Clip without context!



Sure, go after the underground pedophiles, but what about the above ground ones, Mark? Like you know – those in your own party! If you’re going to get serious about this, get fucking serious! Spin it again! And it lands on… sex! So we got to talk about it, it’s the 800 pound gorilla in the room. It’s of course the conspiracy theory known as Qanon. We’ve brought up Q before but this week it finally came out of the conspiracy theory closet and hit the mainstream media big time.





And yes if you do believe in the Qanon conspiracy theory, I have a bag of magic beans to sell you for $9.99, what do they do? They’re magic! So here’s a good question – how did the republicans get to be the party of batshit crazy, off the wall conspiracy theories?





And you should always listen to Dave Grohl too, for he is wise in the ways of the world! But this might be my favorite story related to Qanon, and who better to explain a batshit crazy conspiracy theory than batshit crazy conspiracy theorists? I mean if you thought the previous people were too stupid to insult, I give you Liz Crokin:





That is a good point sir! I mean really you can’t get much more stupid than that! And not only is it underground pedophiles, it’s also satanic pedophiles too. I mean not unlike Kevin Spacey. Hey o!!!!!!!!!!!!! And by the way, you might be asking yourself “Who Is Q?”. Well now we have a face – the pedo patrol has got right on the case! I give you… *drum roll* this guy!






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[font size="8"]Dennis Rodman
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From Idiots #5-6

OK so you’re Dennis Rodman and you and everyone’s favorite, loveable mass murdering dictator Kim Jong Un are like this, and he finally gives you that +1 invite that you’ve been clamoring for, for many years now, who do you bring along? Well, Mr. Rodman has one person in particular that he’d like to bring along on his next diplomatic mission.





I'm not sure if I should be thrilled that Dennis and Kanye are having a bromance, or if I can't wait for the movie Dennis & Kanye Go To Pyongyang Palace? Thank you Kansas City! But there’s more to this three-way bromance and it doesn’t involve Kim Jong Un.





Wait, whoa whoa whoa. Back up! Beep beep! Didn’t Kanye recently come out as a hardcore Trump supporter (see Top 10 #4-16 )a few months ago? What was he doing at the March For Our Lives? This is something that Trump supporters wouldn’t touch with a 10 foot pole. Come on, Kanye, if you’re going to be overtly political, at least be consistent with your beliefs! So Mr. Rodman’s politics haven’t exactly won him a lot of fans lately.





No I’m pretty sure they’re booing you. But here’s the other weird thing – so Rodman wants to bring everyone’s favorite fun loving dictator to the US – to watch a Knicks game of all things!







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[font size="8"]Surefire Intelligence
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From: [link: | Idiots #5-19]

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know that there was a plot by two rabid Trump fans – Jacob Wohl and Jack Berkman – to take down Robert Mueller. And it involved using the “#MeToo” movement as a weapon. Well, it turned out to be quite the colossal fail. Which is a huge step up from the epic fail – and the more you dig into this story the weirder it gets. And I mean that’s an understatement. This story was MADE for the Top 10. Let’s dig into it.





To which I’m sure that even Hans Landa right now is going WTF! So let’s break it down. It’s almost like a Wes Anderson movie. Yeah can we get some music? And I need a guy who kind of sounds like Alec Baldwin. So they’ve got quirky characters, a two tone color scheme, and a plot that went horribly, horribly wrong. 20 year old stock broker wunderkind Jacob Wohl – who got banned from the practice due to shady business dealings, ran an equally shady “intelligence firm” out of his mom’s basement and ran offices he didn’t have using employees he didn’t hire. Sounds legit. In the grand scheme of Trump fans I'm not sure who the bigger buffoon is - Jacob Wohl and Surefire Intelligence or Alex Jones?

https://twitter.com/RightWingWatch/status/1058442443677450241

No, it's definitely Alex Jones. At least it's a step up from yelling at a pile of poop! But really not that big of a step. But Wohl definitely stepped in some shit. What else could go wrong?





They gave a press conference with their fly down! Holy fucking god, even the best comedy writers in the world couldn’t make this stuff up! So for the movie I’m thinking that Taron Egerton would be great for Wohl, and maybe Jonah Hill for Berkman. Call me, casting directors! So how did they get caught? Well, it turns out that they used a picture of actor Christoph Waltz for one of their employees. It gets better and better!




You tell ‘em, Master Yoda! Really, if you’re setting up a sting operation, maybe don’t use your real name or e-mail address? I’m just speculating! But really this is just a colossal fail on every level. And in case you’re wondering just how shady Surefire Intelligence is, just take a look at what they did to this woman who was looking for her stolen truck.



?itemid=4222541


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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots #5-12



So yeah if you woke up yesterday and turned on your phone and saw Twitter, you might have seen Mario Kart trending. You remember the game if you’re a 90s kid like I am. It’s the game where your goal was to drive as fast as possible to lap your opponent and if you didn’t, just even screwing around on the game was fun. In fact here’s a scene of the game being played.



Now here’s where it gets disturbing. It of course involves Stormy Daniels and Trump, because, why wouldn’t it? And Stormy makes a particularly disturbing revelation that makes us never want to play Mario Kart ever again.





Yes, no indeed! But come on, Nintendo’s lovable mascot doesn’t deserve this! I mean what did Toad do to deserve that comparison? All he does is travel the Mushroom Kingdom and give you things. Come on, Stormy. Seriously, don’t mess with the Toad Brigade!





Thanks Stormy, while we’re all rooting for you to take down this horrible regime currently occupying the White House, you forever ruined one of our favorite video games. I can’t even think about Mario now without picturing Toad looking like a penis. And I was playing Mario Odyssey last night. So if you’re playing Mario Kart, who should you pick now that Toad has been ruined forever?





Yeah next time you play Mario Kart, choose Princess Peach before someone else does! After all, she floats in the air! Assuming that giant hoop skirt doesn’t get in the way! But really this is one of those things that’s better left where we don’t want to know why it’s trending. Excuse me, I need to go take a cold shower after reading this.






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Elon Musk Vs Cave Rescuers
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From: Idiots #5-11

San Jose it’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates!



In 2018 we have had a lot of crazy incidents but none was more horrifying than when a group of children and adults were trapped in a cave in Thailand. While the group was rescued without incident, it drew people from all over the world who offered to help. Everyone from the US Marine Corps to the Tesla Motor Corporation offered to help rescue the trapped. Unfortunately it’s the latter that is still causing problems over why his solution wasn’t the chosen one, even though it could have spelled a potential disaster:





Yes this is 2018 here, Elon, this is when things like Pizzagate and Qanon have hit the spotlight and got child rape and pedophilia in the news. By calling this man a pedophile, you are downplaying the horrible nature of these crimes. But he won’t shut up about this and in fact is doubling down:





Yes, this whole story is a giant pile of suck. Does Elon *WANT* to get sued? And in case you are wondering what Elon Musk is smoking, well, he must be either smoking some really good shit, or some really horrible shit.





Apparently, he did want to get high, and he got high on the Joe Rogan show. Which means he must have been smoking something when he launched those attacks against Mr. Unsworth. By the way he must have been violating his own company’s code of ethics, right?





So Elon might want to calm down after this latest string of incidents because not only is he costing Tesla money, he could forever jeopardize the future of Space X, and eventually any further space exploration:





There you have it, it’s almost as if Mr. Musk wants to get sued for his insane antics. This has been it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots #5-14

Gather around, my fair brothers and sisters, it’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate! For the Holy Church of the Top 10 has convened and it’s our weekly duty to remind you why the holiest among us are also the most full of:



My friends, my fair congregation! Remember in that movie “The Dark Knight” when Batman only had one rule and that he would never break it for anybody? Well tonight I am actually going to break my one rule. And that rule is that I never mention the unholy, ungodly Dark One by name in my church! But when there’s a movie being made about unforeseen prophecies surrounding the Dark One, as told by a crackpot, I feel that I must break character!





No, Rick, your end goal is to preach to the choir of supporters of the unholy dark one that their batshit crazy theories are justified! And that Dark One’s name? Donald J. Trump. There, I said it! And you know this movie is a direct violation of IRS tax exempt rules. And also apparently it violates Facebook advertising policies!





Because nothing is worse than a bunch of falsehood nonsense told by a crackpot is there? And you guys are mad when you violated Facebook’s rules are you? Well, you have nobody to blame but yourself, for the good LAWRD sayeth “man must not blame others for his own musings.” Yes it says so in my good book here. So was this election GAWD’s plan? Or was it not???





Now I do love that one! So is GAWD just getting started? Or do we need to remind you of the kind of crackpot that Mark Taylor is? And yes, he is a crackpot ladies and gentlemen of my fair congregation, because this is the kind of nonsense you can expect from Mr. Taylor!





Really? This bullshit is still a thing? That’s why you are going to get your asses handed to you in November, and yes, I realized I just violated the IRS rules there! But then again, so did Liberty University, and they should pay dearly for this! But then again, Mark also claims that GAWD confirmed his SCOTUS prophecy with a train horn. Can you spell “crackpot”?





Yes, Mark, even JAYSUS thinks you’re doing it wrong!! For your crackpot theories about the Dark One are just that – crackpot theories! There you go, mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:



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[font size="8"]Explaining Jokes To Idiots: Sexy Handmaid’s Tale
[br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots #5-13

Let’s spin it to win it shall we? And It lands on… wait for it… Clip without context!



Damn that freedom! Damn your so called constitution with their laws and checks and balances. Damn it to hell, I say! Spin it again! And it’s time for Explaining Jokes To Idiots!



Yes it’s the segment where we in the comedy profession have to explain jokes to idiots that they missed, because they’re idiots. Case in point: Halloween is a time for humor and practical jokes. And of course for hot women to make any Halloween costume look hot. Yes it’s the time of year when we take a look at Halloween costumes, mainly women’s, and we ask ourselves “is it really necessary to have the sexy (insert costume here)?”. The answer always is yes, but this year one costume in particular seems to be drawing the ire of the PC police.





So here’s the thing – does this encapsulate the Handmaids’ Tale or does it miss the point of the series entirely? Everyone knows that the key to comedy is timing, and this was extremely well timed with everyone making references to the novel and series during the SCOTUS debates. But this is proof that you can make anything sexy! Like the New York Times anonymous op ed!





OK maybe you can’t make that sexy. But come on it’s not like we’re living in Saudi Arabia, where the sexiest thing they can show is bare toenails, and I’m sure there’s a fetish website for that. Hey, I know what time I live in! Let sexy costumes be sexy costumes! I would like to think we’re all adults here but then again I’m reminded of who our president is. Thank you audience! And this is also not the first extremely poor taste Halloween costume that Yandy has put out.





Sure you do Herbert. See, Yandy isn’t out to care about whatever cause you have, even though their executives have admitted that yes, some of their costumes are in extremely poor taste. They’re just like any corporation out to make the most profit they can doing what they do best. But that’s the whole point of Halloween! And the more horrible taste you have, the more likely you are to win that $500 costume contest! Which is why I’m inviting Yandy to sponsor my big Halloween costume bash in Nashville on October 31st at Zanies’. Tickets still available and dress up is encouraged! So come on, Yandy! My contact information is at the very end of this thing! You know that you want to! Thank you audience, I’ll take that! And besides if you really want to scare someone this year, I’ve got the perfect costume for you!






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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy: Lance Wallnau & Rick Wiles
[br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots #5-9

It’s time for:



So ultra far right insane propaganda and conspiracy theories have been creeping up and popping up in literally every aspect of our lives now. That’s just the culture we live in. But there’s not one but two guys who are smoking the bad Covfefe 24 hours a day. I’ll start with this fucking guy – Lance Wallnau. And this fucking guy is certifiably batshit crazy, he cooks up more insane right wing theories than Alex Jones ever would or could! Like here’s a perfect example:




There you have it – he literally just compared Trump supporters to Jews in the holocaust. And hey when racist shitbags start getting executed in the streets, then you can have a reason to complain. Until then, shut the fuck up! Thank you Detroit! Lance is so off the wall batshit crazy that he actually thought that Unite The Right II – the neo Nazi rally in DC last week – was a false flag!





Really? The Nazis were paid actors? So who’s paying them? Oh wait, don’t tell me! It was that dirty George Soros! I hear he has deep pockets. And his insurance benefits are pretty good too. As if fucking with people like Lance Wallnau wasn’t enough, there’s this fucking guy, Rick Wiles. Maybe Lance and Rick can cohost a show together – Batshit Crazy and Batshit Crazier! Oh wait, he doesn’t like conspiracy theorists. Except when he is one.





Yeah probably. So Rick Wiles is a conspiracy theorist who doesn’t like conspiracy theorists. Is that the 2018 version of Dadaism? Just crazy against crazy? But apparently it’s all a big lie according to Rick. It’s all the deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep state folks!



There you have it, that’s Lance Wallnau and Rick Wiles. This week’s:




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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
[br] [/font] [br]

From: Idiots #5-16

Hey Boston, I’m in one of the biggest drinking cities in America, I really need a drink!



So of course you know the idea behind this segment is that we have a few drinks and talk about anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. But this week we’re actually going to break our rule and talk about something in politics. While I generally don’t mix booze and politics I do mix booze and fails. So tell me bartender, what goes well with a story about Kanye? Really? There’s a beer called “Stable Genius”? Why didn’t I think of that? Ah I’ll just have my usual Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. So I’m sure by now you heard that Kanye West was meeting with Trump last week and somebody may have discovered that his passcode is 000000. Even Saturday Night Live made fun of it:



Excuse me a minute… Yeah that happened. So there’s of course more to this story than you might think:





Come on, Kanye! You’ve got an iPhone X! You can unlock the phone with your face, and the fact that Kanye doesn’t do that already to me is beyond baffling. You know that Kim somewhere has her phone setup to unlock by selfie. Of course it’s a bad idea to use 000000. You might as well have a sign on your back that says “hack me”!





Come on Kanye, you’re one of the most famous people in the world. Like I said you might as well invite people to hack you. I’m sure Trump somewhere is going “Come on, my iPhone passcode is 123456, no one can hack me!”. Of course you can. In fact it’s probably illegal.





Does anyone get the irony of this? The guy who travels with a 50 person entourage for security purposes obviously doesn’t give a shit about cyber security! So go on, if someone is dumb enough to give their passcode is 000000, don’t be surprised when you get hacked! And I guess Kim isn’t too concerned either!






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[font size="8"]Deep State Diaries Episode 10: The DMV
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From: Idiots #5-10



It’s time for episode 10 of Deep State Diaries. Yes we’re touring the 24 branches and services that make up the United States government. Everything from the FBI to the IRS to the Pentagon to the CIA to the DPW to the DVA to parks and recreation and all branches and services in between. Of course if you’re here you probably already know more about our government and how it works than your average Fox News loving Trump supporter does. So that’s what this segment is going to address. We are going to do a deep dive into all that makes the United States the United States. Because we here at the Top 10 love to educate as well as entertain. Because we care.

[font size="6"]The Department Of Motor Vehicles[/font]


Our next foray into the Deep State centers around the one branch of the government everyone loves to hate because it’s such a bureaucracy. That’s the Department of Motor Vehicles. The DMV’s overall attention to bureaucratic tendencies has become a running joke on TV shows including the Simpsons and Futurama – which took the DMV’s concept to new heights with the Central Bureaucracy. So why does this organization get such a bad rap? Why do people hate it so much? Well there’s plenty of reasons for that, and none of them are really good. Especially if you’re trying to get a new license, and there happens to be some janky computer software installed.





So that’s just one state! Maybe it’s a department glitch? Maybe it’s a network glitch? Maybe it’s something with the system? Well no, try all of the above! The DMV is one of the jankier operations in our government and it definitely needs some improvement.





Now here’s the real reason that people hate the DMV – the lines. Which is absolutely fucking ironic when you think about it since we live in an era where people will wait *DAYS* in line for expensive shit like phones and shoes, but they can’t be bothered to wait 2 hours in line to get their fucking drivers’ license renewed! Thank you Minneapolis!





Well at least they gave Otto a shot. But really this just dumbfounds me. People will travel so they don’t have to wait in line, but will gladly give up days to get a new iPhone! The hypocrisy is completely mind boggling! In fact there’s literally people who will wait in line for you! Just…. Ahhh!!!!!





But there’s currently no plans to implement a fast lane at the DMV yet. So don’t go thinking that your time waiting in line is going to be cut short. That’s wishful thinking. There won’t be a VIP or early entry line at least any time soon.





[font size="6"]Score Card [/font]

Overall importance: A
How Things Are Going: D-
Likely hood To Survive: B+

Overall: C-

[font size="6"]Next Week [/font]

Get out your paint brushes, polish your musical instruments, and get your scripts ready as we are going to check out the National Endowment For The Arts!




[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]AWOLNATIONl[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is an awesome band from Los Angeles. They have a great new album out called “Here Come The Runts” and you can see them at the Red Sun Festival in Redding, CA September29th and the Voodoo Music & Arts Festival in New Orleans on October 26th – 29th. Playing their song called “Passion”, give it up for AWOLNATION!




Happy Thanksgiving! The Top 10 will return next week with a brand new edition live from Tempe! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: Alamo Drafthouse, Kansas City, KS
Special Thanks To: Alamo Drafthouse Management
Top 10 Gospel Choir: Our Church Of The Nazarene Choir, Shawnee, KS
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
AWOLNTION appear courtesy of: Red Bull Records
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

November 14, 2018

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #5-20: Diary Of A Wimpy Trump: Old School Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #5-20: Diary Of A Wimpy Trump: Old School Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Sign up today for the new Top 10 Rewards Signature Visa Card! We have rates as low as 5.9% APR with bonus frequent flyer miles for 24 months! What’s up Denver? Ah, it’s good to be back. I do love this city – lots of great beer and food. And Denver is a beer town too. Man you guys are drunk too! And hey we’re in the mile high city so drinking one beer feels like you’re drinking 5 beers. Not to mention you guys have some great drunk food. I can guarantee that if I lived here I’d probably weigh over 500 pounds. Just saying. So do we have time for the thing? So something very sad happened as we were putting together this week’s Top 10 – the man, the myth, the legend that is the great Stan Lee has passed away. Fuck!!! Man, that just sucks because we wouldn’t have the awesome Marvel Cinematic Universe without him, nor would we have one of my favorites – Deadpool. But really you got to give it up for Stan – at 95 he was still appearing in Ant Man & The Wasp – which is a great addition to the MCU if you haven’t seen it yet. But really you could go through any number of the great movies and characters that he’s created – like Iron Man, Spiderman, the Incredible Hulk, Captain America, the X-Men – really all of the Avengers. And it really sucks what happened to him at the end of his life, all of the embezzlement and fraud in his name. However we’re not really going to talk about that, I’d rather celebrate the man’s life. And we’ll do so by showing a clip from one of my favorite flicks of the last couple of years, Thor: Ragnarok:



And you know what? Throughout this whole edition today we’ll use this time to pay tribute to Stan Lee, the Top 10 way! OK enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first John Oliver is back and he shows that Trump hasn’t exactly lived up to his promise of “draining the swamp”:



Taking the first slot this week of course is our now former Attorney General Jeff Sessions (1) and another Trump firing means it’s time for another installment of the Trumper Games! Wooo! And if you think that’s bad, wait until you meet his replacement - Matt Whittaker (2)! Think Sessions was bad? You ain’t seen nothing yet! At the third slot this week, is of course our current president Donald J. Trump (3) and we have to talk about his visit to France, and once again, like a kid getting sent to the principal’s office, he of course has to meet with his boss, Vladimir Putin. In the slot #4 is the NRA (4). Sigh, another week, another mass shooting. This one hits way too close to home though at Thousand Oaks, California. But did you know that the NRA is escalating its’ war on the Center For Disease Control? Yeah that is happening and the NRA vs Doctors is absolutely insane. Taking the 5th slot is our weekly investigative piece Top 10 Investigates, and this week, we’re going to look at a controversial proposal that passed in California last week – what exactly is Prop 8 and how will it affect you? Well, we will find out. For the sixth slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit”, and this week, our resident pastor usually doesn’t kick people when they’re down, but we have to gloat at the fact that embattled Kentucky clerk Kim Davis lost! Ha ha! For the seventh slot this week, Beating A Dead Horse (7) is back for the 3rd week in a row! This week we’re going to talk about something that is absolutely infuriating Christian conservatives – drag queen story hour. Is it really a bad thing? We shall find out!For the 8th slot this week, we’ve got a brand new installment of “People Who Somehow Got Elected” and this week it’s Florida’s new governor Ron DeSantis (8) – how did this guy get elected? Well… Florida is a bit racist if you can’t tell. At number 9 (NEIN!!!) this week is an all new People Are Dumb, because of course People Are Dumb! Finally this week we’ve got a brand new edition of our ongoing series that explains how government works to conspiracy theorists, Deep State Diaries, and this week we’re going to explore planes – and specifically the group that monitors them, the FAA! Plus we’ve got a great musical guest for you – Colorado’s own Nataniel Raetliff & The Night Sweats are going to be stopping by! Really buy their new album “Tearing At The Seams” or you’re no friend of the show. Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Jeff Sessions
[br] [/font] [br]



Happy Trumper Games! Hey everyone! I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ooh, it has been way too long, my pretties! Of course every day in this administration seems like it’s an eternity doesn’t it? Oh, strap in because if you thought the first two years were completely insane, wait until you see the next two! For the president has declared himself to be judge, jury and executioner. The last time we were here, Tribute Hayley from the 5th district has resigned. This week, the President simply removed Tribute Sessions from the 2nd district. You know, don’t ask me how the districts work because even I don’t know. Well, anyway here is the latest!





Oh that’s fierce, honey! Work it! And damn it, Charlie! Why must you bring me the cheap champagne? I want the good stuff! What? Management says that we can’t afford the good stuff? Very well then! But this is a huge upset for the Trumper Games. Tribute Sessions was very heavily favored above the rest, but that doesn’t stop the president from pulling a dick move and forcing Tribute Sessions to resign, because in the Trumper Games, anything can happen at any minute!





Don’t forget the crazy straw, Charlie! Yes, the president may be an abusive jackass and the textbook definition of a “horrible boss” but that doesn’t stop him from simply thinking that he is above the law and can do whatever he pleases!





Yes that is true! And in case you were wondering if the firing of Tribute Sessions had any effects on any kind of market, well this one, I can assure you, is for real! Yes, Tribute Sessions had a real problem with legalized pot, and was planning to escalate the war against it. But consider this a bonus as Tribute Sessions is… eliminated!






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[font size="8"]Matt Whittaker
[br] [/font] [br]

So Jeff Sessions is out as Attorney General. And if you thought he was bad, just wait until you meet his replacement, Matt Whittaker! Whew, yeah that is all I have to say, whew. This man is absolutely fucking scary. And here’s the really fucked up thing about this appointment – Trump claims he doesn’t remember the guy! Or does he? Well I don’t think even he’s sure who he knows or who he doesn’t know – and I’m not surprised in the least either.





Yeah that’s probably about the exact reaction we’d expect from Trump at this point. So what makes Whitaker so qualified to be the new acting Attorney General? Well, he kisses Trump’s ass, and that’s about all you need to know. Oh, and he has also had some incredibly shady business dealings in the past.





Yeah probably. For those of you keeping score at home – Whitaker ran a shady corporation that got busted by the SEC for fraud. Check. Mysterious and untraceable fundraising. Check. Oh and he’s also a loyalist. Check mate! And in case you’re wondering – Whitaker is the perfect guy to obstruct the Mueller investigation, which is what he was hired to do.





Exactly, sir. But really, ethics? Who needs them? I mean really – have you been living in the last two years? I ask – because I really want to know! This is the Donald J. Trump administration we’re talking about here. Laws. Facts. Ethics. Reason. Conscious. Thinking. I mean who needs to do all that hard thinking if you can have Fox News do it for you? But the firing of Jeff Sessions puts this administration in some very uncharted territory .






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

Why did the guy who we currently call president – Donald J. Trump, or as John Oliver called him “Donald T. Rump” go to France this week? Was it to honor our World War I veterans on the 100th anniversary of the end of WWI? No. was it to strengthen diplomatic ties between the US and France? No. Why he got sent to the principal’s office again. Think of this as the 4th installment of Diary Of A Wimpy Trump. Let’s call this one “Diary Of A Wimpy Trump: Old School”. So the Trip to France was essentially one disaster after another.





Of course it was fake news. Everything is fake news isn’t it? Of course Trump likes to rub salt in the wound, because, why not? That’s what a good psychopath does, don’t you know .





He can sever 200 years of diplomatic relations in a single tweet! He’s super troll! Oh by the way in case you’re wondering – this is the point in the movie where the kid gets sent to the principal’s office, and well, that went well.





I guess in this case you could say that Trump *LITERALLY* rained on France’s Armistice Day parade – which is meant to be a solemn vigil, and leave it to Trump to turn it into a shit show. But even one of Trump’s favorite punching bags, Chuck Schumer took issue with the visit turning into a shit show:



Actually, sir, you know what he's really afraid of? Having to do any actual work. The man can barely close an umbrella, what makes you think he's going to do anything presidential? Because let’s face it, he doesn’t care about anything else at this point, other than ratings and crowd sizes. Fuck it. Fuck it all, I say!



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[font size="8"]The NRA
[br] [/font] [br]

So we had another mass shooting last week. And this one hit way too close to home as it happened at a bar in Thousand Oaks, California, that was hosting a “College Country Night”, and it’s seriously horrible what happened. Now if you’re the NRA, how do you spin this story? Well, a group of doctors conducting into research for gun control got their arguments shut down by the NRA, because in their eyes, guns are more important than people.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! So the underlying message that I’m getting is that the NRA is basically telling doctors to go fuck themselves and the people who treat gunshot victims don’t know anything about guns. So that happened. Oh and they’re further rubbing salt in the wound.





Damn right! I mean is it any wonder that the evil fucking organization known as the NRA got their ass handed to them in the last election? That was sweet! In case you don’t know what I am talking about this is what happened.





And by the way, if you’re wondering about that NRA “A” rating from your local congressman, it’s about to become as toxic as being endorsed by big tobacco used to be.






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates
[br] [/font] [br]

Hey Denver it’s time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates.



California’s proposition system always gains national attention during any given election year, and they are always a mixed bag. But this election season one proposition has stood out above all the rest, and that is Proposition 8. Prop 8 was supposed to regulate the dialysis industry. So proposition 8 would have put a cap on profits from the Dialysis industry – an industry that very badly needs to be regulated, but voters have rejected that proposition.





Kidney health is nothing to joke about, and apparently voters in California sided with the ads put on by dialysis companies like Davita and voted to basically give them unlimited amounts of money and they don’t need to be as regulated as they were before. So they’re saying regulation is bad. Here’s what it could have done.





More please. So just how much money did the dialysis companies raise to defeat this measure? Well the numbers are absolutely astonishing, and the ads ran practically non stop. But really how did proposition 8 get started? It was pretty much a dispute between one of the largest labor unions for dialysis clinics and Davita – an evil corporation.





So voters overwhelmingly rejected the calls for dialysis clinics to be regulated and instead rewarded evil corporations like Davita for their bad behavior. And in case you were wondering – both Davita and their owner Warren Buffet – profited handsomely from their reckless spending and horribly worded advertising.





There you have it, we officially live in the Matrix. That’s it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

Gather around, my fair brothers and sisters of Denver, it’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate! For the Holy Church of the Top 10 has convened and it’s our weekly duty to remind you why the holiest among us are also the most full of:



My fair congregation, we usually don’t get news this good around here, but in the wake of last week’s election we must celebrate this one with revels. I’m of course talking about the end of the reign of a favored soul of the hardcore Christian right – supporters of the Dark One, and Kim Davis. Yes, the Kentucky clerk who refused to do her job and became a hero of Christian bigots everywhere, now, is no mas! And I have to say as a man of GAWD, that one was sweet!





Ooh that felt good! Now usually we don’t kick people when they are down here in my church, but considering that Sister Kim made an entire career out of doing exactly that, exceptions must be made, and we will adhere to that! So what is Sister Kim planning on doing after being fired? Well, this was totally not unexpected.





I think even somewhere the good LAWRD JAYSUS is saying “do not want”. I mean really how can someone who’s been divorced 4 times somehow be a champion of marriage? It seems to me that would be a bit hypocritical wouldn’t it? And JAYSUS hated the hypocrites! Can I get an amen?? By the way if you’re wondering why Davis lost, well, here’s a bit of insider info for you:





You know here’s the thing – at my church you can come and worship freely as you please! There are no judgements here, other than from the almighty himself! And he’s cool with whatever you are cool with, it says so in the Good Book! But what I don’t want is Christian bigots forcing their own interpretation of the law on me! Thank you! But apparently Sister Kim still wants a piece of that sweet sweet spotlight!





So there you have it, Sister Kim lost her seat to a man who she denied a marriage license to! That is some sweet, sweet karma there! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Drag Queen Story Hour
[br] [/font] [br]

It’s time for another edition of:



Let’s be honest here – everybody loves a good story no matter who’s telling it, or who they are telling it to. So why is reading stories to children such a bad thing? Well if you’re in the south and your child has stories read to them by drag queens, well, it might be the worst fucking thing in the world, you are disrespecting Jesus, oh my god, are you fucking crazy??? Yeah probably. You know these days the subject of gender fluidity is a very tricky one and children need to be taught to be more accepting, but considering the “role models” they have at their disposal, is it any wonder why we’re fucked? Take a look at this story out of Houston, Texas. They say everything is bigger in Texas, especially the assholes!





And really, why the fuck is a “family group” in Alaska concerned about a children’s story time in Houston, Texas? God forbid that children should be taught about gender identities at a young age, I mean what would Jesus think? Well the thing is Christian conservative assholes are everywhere, and it seems the more devoted they are, the bigger the insufferable asshole they are. And Houston was no the only community where this bullshit happened. Take a look at what happened in Lafayette, Louisiana where this happened.





Good point! And where in the Constitution does it even remotely say that drag queen story hour is unconstitutional? I don’t remember that amendment! And I’m not at all surprised that a group called “Warriors For Christ” got caught violating Facebook’s hate speech policy. Not at all! But as crazy as these people are, they managed to get one shut down in Illinois.





Hey, you support a guy who literally locked children in cages, you don’t get to decide what’s good for children or not anymore. Fuck off! And by the way, in case you were wondering, a judge smacked down the Christian’s claims:






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[font size="8"]Ron DeSantis
[br] [/font] [br]

Politicians at the state, national and local levels who are so toxic that you ever wonder how they were able to get into office, much less stay there. This is:



This week – Florida’s new governor Ron DeSantis. While many thought that the racial barrier was torn down when Obama was elected president, Ron DeSantis put it back up, put barbed wire and ran an electrical current through the whole thing. So here’s the thing with elections – American citizens not living in America have the right to vote too, and Gov. DeSantis hasn’t exactly realized that.





Yes that was probably the election that the Florida GOP had on election night. After all, if you want a window into Ron DeSantis’ racism, you should check out some of his greatest hits.





In case you’re wondering just how racist Ron DeSantis is, he’s pretty damn racist. So racist that he was a moderator on a racist Facebook group that had a whopping 52 moderators operating at all times because people were apparently posting some pretty horrible things.





And by the way what’s wrong with Florida? A whole lot if you ask us. While most of the election drowned out Trump with a blue wave, Florida’s voters had literally the opposite effect.





Yes, yes it was. Florida apparently rejected liberal ideas of tolerance and inclusion and instead voted for all the things that Trump stands for. And in case you’re wondering if the possible recount will have any effect this, well, this is 2018 where hate reigns supreme.

Amid the violations of law by Broward and Palm Beach County elections officials, the data provides apparent good news for Republicans. First, despite the national media's typical laziness and derelictions, the local press has largely been assiduous and conscientious -- certain framing aside. Second, core concerns raised by leading Republicans (some of which were rhetorically overblown) have been validated by multiple judges. The ineptitude and misconduct has not gone unnoticed. Third, in spite of Democratic lawyers' best efforts, Republican leads in key races are likely insurmountable. National Review's Charles C.W. Cooke has been following this closely, and relayed his analysis over the weekend, with recounts underway:

Based on Cooke's calculations -- which bake in several highly favorable assumptions for Democrats (in some cases, implausibly so) -- both major stateside Republicans are in good shape:

He even runs through a scenario under which Bill Nelson's Broward County "undervote" is deemed attributable to some sort of nefarious problem, under which Democratic attorneys could make (unrealistic) headway. In that unlikely case, DeSantis would nevertheless be fine, but Rick Scott's lead would dwindle down to vulnerable territory -- although he'd still be ahead:
https://townhall.com/tipsheet/guybenson/2018/11/12/analysis-its-almost-certain-that-rick-scott-and-ron-desantis-have-won-in-florida-n2535731



There you have it, Florida is about to go down a very dangerous road, and they often decide our elections. So that makes Ron DeSantis another one of the:




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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
[br] [/font] [br]

Hit it!



So of course you know by now that people are people and people are dumb. I want to start with this story out of where else? Florida. Because you know that America’s most penis shaped state always has the craziest news out of it. And I feel like it’s almost obligatory that news outlets begin their stories with the words “Florida Man…” or “Florida Woman…”. So if you’re arrested by the police for anything, maybe don’t give them a name that was pulled from a prank phone call.





I’m sure you do, Moe! Next up, we’re going to the Volunteer State, Tennessee. And this sounds like the perfect scene for a crime-based comedy, and I could totally see Melissa McCarthy in the role. And you know the old saying… how does it go? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me… you wont get fooled again. That’s right, a former president said that once!





Well said! Next up we go to Tennessee’s neighboring state, Indiana for this one. Here’s the thing, if you have a problem with your crack dealers, maybe don’t get the police involved. Because it will end badly for both them and you!





Next up – we got to go to the Lone Star state for this one, and you really cant make this stuff up. Really, if you’re going to rob a store, maybe don’t do it wearing a very easily identifiable Halloween costume:





I can imagine the corrections officers had a field day with that story! Finally this week – Tide laundry detergent. I mean really, did we learn *NOTHING* from the Tide Pod fiasco? Well, wait until you see the latest design that Tide has come up with and I wish I was making this up but I am not:

https://twitter.com/CNNBusiness/status/1061381764650885126





So tell me bartender, what should I pair this fine boxed laundry detergent with? A bowl of Tide Pods? I really can’t wait until we start seeing the Tide wine challenge – coming soon to an emergency room near you! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Deep State Diaries Episode 20: The FAA
[br] [/font] [br]



It’s time for episode 20 of Deep State Diaries. Yes we’re touring the 24 branches and services that make up the United States government. Everything from the FBI to the IRS to the Pentagon to the CIA to the DPW to the DVA to parks and recreation and all branches and services in between. Of course if you’re here you probably already know more about our government and how it works than your average Fox News loving Trump supporter does. So that’s what this segment is going to address. We are going to do a deep dive into all that makes the United States the United States. Because we here at the Top 10 love to educate as well as entertain. Because we care.

[font size="6"]The FAA[/font]
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The Federal Aviation Administration is the board that monitors all of the air traffic coming into and out of the United States, as well as monitor everything about air travel such as our airports, airlines, and even airplanes. Everything from the seats that you sit in on your next flight to the food that passes for airline meals to the amount of airline seat that passes for leg room these days. So what does the FAA actually do? For you conspiracy theorists, no they don’t release chemtrails into the atmosphere that turns frogs gay and dries out the forests. Instead they do things like this:





And by the way speaking of turbulence, they do run a complaint department where you can actually submit your complaints about anything to do with flights or airports. But they might need to speed that process up a bit.





So what about when new planes get introduced? Like Boeing is planning to introduce the next version of its’ venerable 737, called the 737 next. So how does a plane get approved in order to start flying commercial service?





Yeah so maybe don’t do that. And really there’s nothing to joke about when it comes to planes and commercial travel, though every comedian has their airport chunk. Shit, that’s such a cliché anymore that literally anyone can do it. And no, for you Infowars fans out there who may happen to stumble upon this, there’s no chemtrails in the air that make you get polio and turn the frogs gay, but the environment definitely needs some cleaning up.





Also if you’re going to be doing any funny business in the air, you might want to make sure that you have a permit for that, otherwise the FAA is going to come down on you faster than Trump comes down on a Big Mac.





[font size="6"]Score Card [/font]

Overall importance: A
How Things Are Going: C
Likely hood To Survive: B+

Overall: B

[font size="6"]Next Week [/font]

We’re off next week but when we come back we’ll take a look at an organization that’s been in the news a lot lately – the United States Census Bureau!



[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Nathaniel Raetliff & The Night Sweats[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen my next guest is a great band from Denver, you can see them on tour



Thank you very much Colorado Podcast Festival! We’ll be back soon! We are off next week for Thanksgiving, we’ll be running a best of in the meantime, and then we’ll be back on 11/28 with a brand new edition! See you in two weeks! Happy Thanksgiving!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: Denver Convention Center, Denver, CO
Special Thanks To: Colorado Podcast Festival
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: Littleton High School Choir Club, Littleton, CO
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Jack White Appears Courtesy Of:
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

November 7, 2018

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #5-19: The Blue Wave Begins Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #5-19: The Blue Wave Begins Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! What’s up Orlando? Yes, we are finally here! I know I joke about all the crazy shit that comes out of Florida but you guys really came through for this one! So I don’t know if anyone noticed but we had an election yesterday! But… yeah we’ll get to that in a minute but first we got to do a thing, And that is that politics makes for some strange bedfellows doesn’t it? And of course by that I mean I don’t know if you’ve been following the Axl Rose vs Trump brew ha ha, but it’s magical. So Trump has been for some reason playing “Sweet Child O’Mine” at his MAGA rallies. But really I’d be willing to bet that he’s never actually read the lyrics of that song. He also got hit hard by Rhianna. So now I may have to add Appetite For Destruction and Rhianna’s “Anti” album to my playlist, and hey why not? But one of my favorite things is when politicians use campaign songs and then they get called out by the artist as being full of shit. And I mean come on who’s more full of shit than Trump is these days? However, yes, this is one of my favorite things ever -w hen candidates use music, and then the artist has a problem with the use of their music. I mean come on conservatives, if you want to use music that speaks to you, use Ted Nugent. With all of the sex crimes happening, “Jailbait” would make a great anthem! What, too soon? I’ll show myself out. OK enough of the intro, we got a lot of idiocy to get to but first Bill Maher explains how important it is to GOTV:



So did everyone vote? Good! Because for the first slot this week we’re going to devote it to The Election (1) – and we will be presenting all of the highs and lows and ups and downs for you including California’s propositions and the DEMS TOOK THE HOUSE!!!! In the second slot this week is Sean Hannity (2) and whew, that guy needs a good punch in the face after what he did on Sunday. For the third slot this week, we have got to discuss the absolutely colossal fail that was Jacob Wohl and Jack Berkman (3) and whew, this has all the makings of a great Wes Anderson flick, or a marginal Coen Bros flick. At number 4 this week is of course Donald Trump (4) and we’re going to show you his reactions to the campaign as well as dissect his unbelievably insane last minute campaign ad that attempted to blame liberals, ah, fuck it, that’s all you need to know. For the fifth slot this week, is of course our weekly investigative piece “Top 10 Investigates” and this week we’re going to Wisconsin – what’s really going on with that much ballyhooed Foxconn deal? Well, we are going to tell you the latest and it’s not good. In the sixth slot is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week our resident pastor is going to show you some batshit crazy religious right reactions to the election and GAWD’s plan for America. At number 7 is one of our favorite segments “Beating A Dead Horse” (7) – so last week we covered how Trump fans love to use false flag conspiracies to describe literally every tragedy that comes along. This week we’re going to tackle their other favorite bogeyman – George Soros. Yes, somehow he folds into the false flag conspiracies. Taking the 8th slot, the WWE (8) is targeting Saudi Arabia hard for a new audience, and after a lot of controversy, we’re going to ask – “WWE’s Crown Jewel: How Is This Still A Thing?”. Taking the 9th slot this week is neither People Are Dumb, or I Need A Drink, but we’re going to instead debut a brand new segment called “Ah, It Aint So Bad!” (9) in which we attempt to find the silver lining in a bunch of random news stories. Finally this week we’ve got the next installment of our ongoing series Deep State Diaries where we are going to take a look at the Department Of Defense! Plus we’ve got a musical guest I am very excited to have on, the men, the myth, the legend – Tenacious D is here! Really buy Post Apocalypto or you’re no friend of the show. Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Election Coverage: The Blue Wave Begins!
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The blue wave happened everybody! Well, it wasn’t a tsunami but we will gladly take what happened last night as a huge win! So the Blue Wave begins. It's going to take more than a few Blue Waves to completely wash the stink of Trump out of the room, though. Meanwhile while we didn’t win everything (fuck you Texas!), there were some huge pickups and some major wins for the dems. We won’t be able to get to everything this week, we will celebrate what we have so far. So we got to go over the plusses from last night and we won’t have time to get to all of them. But what you need to know is that, to quote Walter Sobchak from the Big Lebowski, Trump is in a world of pain. But this might be one of my favorite pieces of news last night:





That was sweet. And the hits just keep on coming. But one thing I do have to talk about is my home state of California where Dana Rohrabacher (R- Moscow) got his ass handed to him. Thank you Orange County!





I should post the 10 hour clip of that, but still… HA HA!!! Although we only have limited space here, we do have to talk about California’s propositions. To which… yeah fuck you. Californians bought into Davita’s propaganda and allowed them to basically run without being checked and will stand to gain unlimited profits from people’s suffering:





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I mean come on, did you not see John Oliver? We will do a deep dive on Prop 8 next week. Those commercials were infuriating. That one guy “What’s Prop 8 going to do for me?” Yeah, listen here, it will make it so that if you die or something happens to you, your family won’t get stuck paying your bills, which now is a very real possibility! Moving on though, there were many highs and lows that we won’t be able to get to this week but there is one other take away from this that we need to see – the battle lines are drawn!





Yeah I can imagine that Trump and Pelosi will be meeting in January like that. Although I do want to briefly mention the Georgia governor race – whew, this is what some might call a “clusterfuck” and we will definitely keep an eye on the situation and report back next week, but whew, this is insane. And I don’t need to mention that the racist shitbag militia III%ers are planning a violent march in Atlanta if Stacy Abrams wins. Let’s just say that the shit is going to hit the fan either way.






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[font size="8"]Sean Hannity
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Is anyone really surprised that Sean Hannity pulled that movie cliché where the characters say they’re not going to do something only to do it in the next scene? No? Good. So if you need some further explanation, Sean Hannity is shockingly (not) evil. Really, if you were to use a James Bond villain metaphor, think of him as a more evil Elliot Carver from Tomorrow Never Dies, only with way less charisma. Here’s what happened.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I mean come on do we really need to hear these two kiss each other’s asses the day before the election? No! And we don’t need to be reminded of how much Trump watches TV either. So just how much of a colossal dick move was this? Well, a whole lot, apparently!





Oh come on! Fox News is so deep in Trump’s closet that they’re finding Christmas presents to each other, and you know that Hannity whispers sweet nothings in Trump’s ear every night! Yeah, just picture that scenario for a minute! And you can’t get that image out of your head, can you? Well, this was a colossal fuck up and a total dick move for Hannity and your racist uncle’s wife, Jeannie Pirro, but really we’re not at all that shocked. But like a good Trumper, Hannity just calls it “fake news”.





Seriously? You really expect us to believe that , Hannity? I mean if you believe that I’ve got Keurigs, NFL tickets and Taylor Swift merchandise to sell you. Because you guys all burned and destroyed that stuff, because, reasons. Oh and if you want to know the kinds of things they discussed at Trump’s latest rally, well, the same shit you’d come to expect by now. He actually said the Democrats losing the house would be meaningless. Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOO!! Fuck you. That would be like if the Red Sox won and then started peeing in the Dodgers fans’ mailboxes. Oh wait, that is something Red Sox fans would actually do.






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[font size="8"]Surefire Intelligence
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Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know that there was a plot by two rabid Trump fans – Jacob Wohl and Jack Berkman – to take down Robert Mueller. And it involved using the “#MeToo” movement as a weapon. Well, it turned out to be quite the colossal fail. Which is a huge step up from the epic fail – and the more you dig into this story the weirder it gets. And I mean that’s an understatement. This story was MADE for the Top 10. Let’s dig into it.





To which I’m sure that even Hans Landa right now is going WTF! So let’s break it down. It’s almost like a Wes Anderson movie. Yeah can we get some music? And I need a guy who kind of sounds like Alec Baldwin. So they’ve got quirky characters, a two tone color scheme, and a plot that went horribly, horribly wrong. 20 year old stock broker wunderkind Jacob Wohl – who got banned from the practice due to shady business dealings, ran an equally shady “intelligence firm” out of his mom’s basement and ran offices he didn’t have using employees he didn’t hire. Sounds legit. In the grand scheme of Trump fans I'm not sure who the bigger buffoon is - Jacob Wohl and Surefire Intelligence or Alex Jones?

https://twitter.com/RightWingWatch/status/1058442443677450241

No, it's definitely Alex Jones. At least it's a step up from yelling at a pile of poop! But really not that big of a step. But Wohl definitely stepped in some shit. What else could go wrong?





They gave a press conference with their fly down! Holy fucking god, even the best comedy writers in the world couldn’t make this stuff up! So for the movie I’m thinking that Taron Egerton would be great for Wohl, and maybe Jonah Hill for Berkman. Call me, casting directors! So how did they get caught? Well, it turns out that they used a picture of actor Christoph Waltz for one of their employees. It gets better and better!




You tell ‘em, Master Yoda! Really, if you’re setting up a sting operation, maybe don’t use your real name or e-mail address? I’m just speculating! But really this is just a colossal fail on every level. And in case you’re wondering just how shady Surefire Intelligence is, just take a look at what they did to this woman who was looking for her stolen truck.



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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Yeah so Trump has been hitting the campaign trail extremely hard in the last 2 weeks, and got to be honest, he looks like he’s had no sleep in the last 4. “I get the best sleep, OK!”. So we got to talk about this extremely horrible ad that he sponsored and produced. But I’m not gonna show it. What? No! Seriously, make me! In fact fuck this ad. It may be one of the worst, most insensitive and racist ads in history. It even drew comparisons to the Willie Horton ads from the 80s on Twitter and elsewhere. And I think the networks are agreeing with me.





Holy shit! When you’re too racist for Fox News, that’s pretty fucking racist. So Trump’s full on 1488 ad is so horrible that it’s making people uncomfortable. Is this the October surprise? Maybe! Well guess who else is pulling the ad? Facebook!





You said it, Dave! See, conservatives, this is why you’re getting kicked off social media sites. It’s not some vast conspiracy! It’s because you’re hateful dicks! How hateful is this ad? Well….





Gee… ya think? Oh and it gets better! Yes, there are people defending this horrid atrocity of an ad! And oh yeah it’s exactly the people who you would expect. People like RNC chairman Ronna McDaniel.





Yeah obviously! Of course Dump himself had to go throw kerosene on the fire and blow it out of proportion like in Deadpool 2. And I love that Trump is saying “he told the truth”. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha….






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Foxconn WTF?
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Hey Orlando, it’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates!



Last year, speaker of the house Paul Ryan and president Donald Trump made a deal with the state of Wisconsin to bring the extremely controversial electronics conglomerate Foxconn to Ryan’s home state of Wisconsin. The deal that Trump was touting was not exactly met with a warm welcome, and now things seem to be getting much worse. Apparently the deal has also been about as shady as you can expect, with things like this happening .





People generally associate Foxconn with Apple and all the horrors coming out of their Chinese factory in Shenzhen, and you rightfully should be horrified that they want to bring that here to the US. Especially when the deal made to bring Foxconn here was done with a dirty dealer.





Don’t worry, we won’t. But if you work for Foxconn you should realize that if you do the math, those jobs really don’t pay that much and they won’t really make a dent in Foxconn’s profits. Really, that’s what happens when you deal with a dirty dealer. But here’s where it could quite possibly get ugly – not that it hasn’t happened already.





So… $10 billion to build an LCD manufacturing facility for 13,000 employees, if you do the math, is barely a fraction of the cost of building this thing. And they might not even hire American workers. That makes both Foxconn and Trump dirty dealers. So are they or are they not hiring workers from out of the United States?





Of course they did! They won’t flat out admit that they are going to hire Chinese workers over American or they’d risk the deal entirely. And it doesn’t take the guy who wrote “The Art Of The Deal” to tell you how bad this idea is, is it? Well…





That’s it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around, my fair brothers and sisters of Orlando, it’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate! For the Holy Church of the Top 10 has convened and it’s our weekly duty to remind you why the holiest among us are also the most full of:



So my fair congregation, who did GAWD vote for in this election? Yeah I’m discussing politics in my church, got a problem with that? Because they don’t care either, so why should we? See, I’ve pointed out how supporters of the Dark One, whose name shall not be named in my church, are coming hard after the Johnson Amendment so they can preach hard right politics and not get caught. Well, I got news for ya – that shit will work both ways. See, supporters of the Dark One don’t get that the constitution of the United States applies to everybody, not just them, and they are always shocked when they find out how that works. So which side of the coin did GAWD and JAYSUS vote for? It might shock you, but not really.





Yes, apparently if you vote against the Dark One, you are voting for the torture and murder of children, except those things didn’t happen, Liz! But apparently the people who are about to stop that sort of thing are also the people more likely to be DAYMONS!!!! And AYVIL!!!! And LUCIFER!!! Except, well, not really.





And that is a good question, JAYSUS! And I especially ask that question in the era of the rule of the Dark One.



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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse
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Hey everybody! It’s time for another edition of:



If there’s one thing conservatives love it’s a good boogeyman. Last week we talked about how they have beaten to death the false flag conspiracy. This week, we’re going to talk about their other favorite boogeyman – 90 year old Jewish holocaust survivor philanthropist billionaire George Soros. Think of him as the conservative conspiracy theorist equivalent of Kevin Bacon. They can literally tie him to just about anything. Let’s see, there’s a migrant caravan at the Mexico – Guatemalan border that is making its’ way to the US to seek asylum and a new way of life. I know! They must be getting their funding from George Soros! Democrats are winning elections? It must be George Soros’ fault! Hey, McDonalds didn’t have any chicken nuggets! Oh no, it’s because George Soros is cutting off chicken supplies! That didn’t even take one degree did it? Because it’s all his fault, damn it! Here’s more.





Yeah probably! So how did Mr. Soros get to be conservative public enemy number one? Well, like all extremely horrible things, see if you can take a guess as to where these conspiracy theories first originated from? If you guessed that they originated from Russia, you guessed correctly!





Yeah probably. But if you want to look at conservative misinformation at its’ finest, look no further than just about any conspiracy theory involving Soros. I mean if you want to see a conservative talking point grow and multiply and have wings, this is the perfect story for that. It really shows how the conservative disinformation machine at work, look at the migrant story I mentioned earlier.





And by the way if you’re wondering where this is leading – there’s more of a conspiracy against Soros than you might realize. In fact Fox News recently rejected a request from a Soros aide to come on one of their programs and got denied. Dude, it’s Fox News, what did you expect?






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[font size="8"]WWE
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It’s time once again to ask:



This week – the WWE’s Crown Jewel. How is this still a thing? So the WWE has been expanding into a new audience and it has tapped, for reasons still unclear, Saudi Arabia. Yes, the country where women can be killed for driving and gay people jailed for simply existing, somehow allows sweaty, homo erotic rasslin’ in its’ borders. A lot of it has to do with this man – Saudi Prince Mohammed Bin Salome, who looks like a WWE wrestler.





Yes, despite the constant cries to not go into a Saudi Arabian market, the WWE continues to do it anyways. Why? Because they don’t care, and that’s why. So why are they doing this? Why are they continuing to go through such a controversial market? Well here’s more.





So it’s more about the quest for profit than it is about the quest for human rights. What country in the world doesn’t want to see sweaty muscular men pounding each other into submission? After all, we’re only a few elections away from Rage In The Cage style grudge matches in Congress.



When you think about this as a human rights matter, just remember that that guy is our president, and that Vince McMahon is a huge Trump supporter. Remember the infamous orb?



Maybe that’s what the orb was prophesizing – a relationship between the US and Saudi Arabia brought together through body slamming. Because that’s what the whole world wants, apparently. But even in the Trump era, actions do have consequences, as their continued relationship with Saudi Arabia could put the company’s PPV hopes in jeopardy.





Yeah so Saudi Arabia could keep the WWE and they will subject themselves to things like that. That’s enough to make you ask – the WWE’s Crown Jewel:




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[font size="8"]Ah, It’s Not So Bad
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So you will notice this week we’re doing neither People Are Dumb nor are we doing I Need A Drink. Ah, don’t be sad! It’s time for our new segment:



So here’s how this is going to work, I’m going to post a few news stories and it doesn’t matter what they are or where they are going and we are going to find the silver lining in all of them. Where do we start this segment? OK remember batshit crazy Minnesota politician Michelle Bachmann? Yes she’s back in the news because, reasons. And well, her latest reason is so fucking crazy that it is truly beyond description.





Ah it’s not so bad, at least it will deflect blame from anti vaccination crusaders when a real polio like vaccine shows up! Yeah let’s blow off getting vaccines for polio, what could possibly go wrong? A polio like super virus will show up! Next up travelers from Orlando – hey that’s the city we’re in! - to London on British Airways had to endure a grueling 77 hour flight because of mechanical failures and weather problems.





Ah it’s not so bad, where else can you watch such quality flicks as Billionaire Boys Club, Gotti, and Death Of A Nation? Oh wait, that would make me hate travel even more! Well speaking of hating travel, you’re going to be doing a lot more driving if you happen to live near a Lowe’s home improvement store! Since they’re getting ready to close a whole bunch of stores.





Ah it’s not so bad, think of it this way – we’re one step closer to having a giant Costco the size of the state of Kansas. Hey does that mean we can get handys at Starbucks? Oh come on, you know I’m asking for a friend! Finally, this week, if you’ve ever seen the show “Better Call Saul”, you might be familiar with actor Todd Latourette. But if you’re not, you will definitely know him after seeing this story!





Ah, it’s not so bad! Think of it this way – if they ever reboot “The Fugitive”, they know who to call to play the one armed man! And that is it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Deep State Diaries Episode 19: The Department Of Defense
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It’s time for episode 19 of Deep State Diaries. Yes we’re touring the 24 branches and services that make up the United States government. Everything from the FBI to the IRS to the Pentagon to the CIA to the DPW to the DVA to parks and recreation and all branches and services in between. Of course if you’re here you probably already know more about our government and how it works than your average Fox News loving Trump supporter does. So that’s what this segment is going to address. We are going to do a deep dive into all that makes the United States the United States. Because we here at the Top 10 love to educate as well as entertain. Because we care.

[font size="6"]The Department Of Defense[/font]


So this week there has been much talk of Trump sending a whopping 5,200 troops to the US – Mexico border to defend the US against a migrant caravan heading through Mexico seeking legal asylum in the US, because, reasons. And there’s one department that could either stop him or continue to aid his insane quest for domination. And that department is the Department Of Defense, the entity that’s in charge of the US military. They oversee things like troop deployment. How does this factor into Trump’s insane quest? Well here’s more.





Yeah let’s just hope that guy isn’t in charge at the DOD. Although the DOD is actively at work defending this country from threats, let’s say that their cyber department needs a massive upgrade. Cyber security is definitely nothing to joke about, especially when this happens.





Ah, I love Zapp Branagin. But really, let’s hope that he’s not in charge. I can’t stress that enough! So how is the DOD fighting back against data breaches? Well they’re encouraging people to hack them. Sure, get a bunch of hackers in a room and they’ll eventually hack NORAD, right? I mean what’s the worst that could happen?





Hey maybe Zapp Brannagin is in charge! But he’s definitely not the person who we need sending to the border to defend our country from… migrants fleeing violence because, reasons. Yeah the last thing we need is for Fox News to order Trump to fire on them. But we’ll save that for another edition.





[font size="6"]Score Card [/font]

Overall importance: A
How Things Are Going: B
Likely hood To Survive: B+

Overall: A-

[font size="6"]Next Week [/font]

Next week we’re going to the airports as we explore how our air traffic gets monitored as we visit the FAA!



[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Tenacious D[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen I am extremely excited to have this next guest on, you know them better as Jack Black and Kyle Gass, their latest album is called “Post Apocalypto”, you can see them on tour and at the Hollywood Palladium on 12/21! Playing their song called “Colors”, give it up for the one, the only Tenacious D!




Thank you Orlando! This was a great destination to have my post-election edition! We are off to Denver next!! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of Live Audience At: Orlando Improv, Orlando, FL
Special Thanks To: Improv Group
Holy Shit Gospel Choir: University of Florida Choir Club, Gainesville, FL
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Tenacious D Appears Courtesy Of: Columbia Records
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Twitter at: @10Idiots
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

November 3, 2018

Preview For This Week's Top 10 Conservative Idiots

I'm not sure who the bigger buffoon is - Jacob Wohl and Surefire Intelligence or Alex Jones?

https://twitter.com/RightWingWatch/status/1058442443677450241

No, it's definitely Alex Jones. At least it's a step up from yelling at a pile of poop! But really not that big of a step.

*audience laughs and applauds*

This week the Top 10 is live from Orlando! We delve into the election results - will we be popping the champagne or drowning our sorrows in Jack Daniels? Tune in to find out! Also, we delve into the colossal fail that is the Surefire Intelligence scandal, Trump attempts to gut the constitution (again), we ask how the WWE's Saudi Arabian audience is still a thing, and "Beating A Dead Horse" explores Soros Derangement Syndrome. Plus in our weekly investigative piece Top 10 Investigates, we're going to delve into what's going on with that migrant caravan that Trump is so obsessed with? The answer might shock you! And in our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in "Holy Shit", our resident pastor is going to tell you the Christian right's reaction to the election and post some choice quotes. And we're going to debut a new segment - "Ah, It's Not So Bad" in which we attempt to find the silver lining in a bunch of random news items and whether or not they are good or bad. And the next installment of Deep State Diaries is going to delve into the Department Of Defense! All this plus the legendary Tenacious D is going to be stopping by!

Top 10 Conservative Idiots: Wednesdays at 2:00 PM /shameless self promotion