November 30, 2023

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #15-14: The Third Reich Triangulation Theory Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #15-14: The Third Reich Triangulation Theory Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yooooooooooooo!!! What’s up Oxnard? It is great to be back at Levity Live! How are you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! So we have just two more Top 10s left in the year that is 2023 and then we do our Year In Review special, then we out for the winter! So I want to say that we’ve been getting a lot of questions about the long term future of our fine program. Well, we’re still evaluating all possibilities and we will let you know in due time. But for now, you can rest assured that we’ve been renewed for season 16 that will last from January – June of 2024. Depending on what happens after that, we will let you know. We will keep bringing you the free funny (as Kevin Smith calls it) as long as we possibly can. Our original plan was to stay on after the 2024 election, then bow out after that. But we’re not entirely sure what the future is going to hold after this year. We will let you know, check our social media at Mastodon for updates! Do we have time for the thing? Of course we do! Look… we don’t talk about the Kardashians around here, especially after they’ve been hanging out with the Trumps. Just nope. But apparently Netflix paid Kim Kardashian the sum of $80 million to write, direct, produce, and star in her own comedy movie. Hey come on, Kim, stay in your lane – which is making teenage girls feel insecure about themselves. Oh come on, that’s the joke you walk out on? OK then! But yeah… I have many questions about this. Mainly one – fucking what? And two – fucking why? Like is this something we really need in this day and age? And apparently there was a bidding war too. A fucking bidding war! Look, Netflix, Hulu, Disney+, Paramount+, Peacock, and the rest of the 80,000,000,000 streaming services out there – we don’t need this, and no one even asked for it either! A Kim Kardashian comedy film. What the actual fuck. OK enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first John Oliver is back and he talks about the nightmare conditions for both shoppers and employees at Dollar General stores. Holy shit.



Well, Nazism appears to be an unfortunate recurring theme in the news lately, and there’s going to be a lot of that this week. But before we get into the bad news, we’re going to start this week by talking about something good. In the number one slot this week, we unfortunately lost a true legend, and one of the greatest first ladies of the United States of all time, Rosalynn Carter passed last week at age 96, so we’re going to pay tribute (1) to one of the greatest of all time! Didn’t want you guys to think that this show was entirely about negativity! In the second slot this week, now we got to talk about the bad, and really the worst of humanity. The exact opposite of Jimmy Carter – that guy who we inexplicably used to call president, Donald J. Trump (2) is back in the news, and is he using Nazi rhetoric and quoting Hitler directly? Yes and yes, and it’s as bad as you think it is! And speaking of Nazis, a guy who thinks that his online friends are his real friends, Elon Musk (3) is suing Media Matters after they dug up some dirt on his social media activities and it cost Twitter / X some big name sponsors. But he’s doing this under the guise of – wait for it – free speech. You can’t make this up. Meanwhile, in the number 4 slot this week, Fox News (4) presented its’ annual attempt to fit in with the cool kids by hosting their own black tie awards gala called the Patriot Awards, and it’s every bit as much of a shit show as you might have expected! In the number 5 slot this week is a new edition of our segment “We’re All Gonna Die”, and if you think the November Rain, and snow, sleet, thunder, winds, and fires are getting worse, well, it’s as bad as you think and even worse than that! In the number 6 slot this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week we’re going to do something a bit different and talk about the ever-evolving debate in the holy community about climate change. But despite which side you’re on, we all have one thing in common – the shit’s gonna hit the fan! In the number 7 slot this week, after a big brew ha ha in the Senate, we add Oklahoma senator Markwayne Mullin (7) to the ever growing list of People Who Somehow Got Elected. And how did this guy get elected? Because he’s a member of the Fox News multi-level marketing firm, that’s how! In the number 8 slot is our weekly venture into the never ending world of online tin foil hat nuttery in Conspiracy Corner (8), and this week, the MAGA world lit up with a theory that a violent incident at the US – Canadian border might have been a terrorist attack but it was really just some idiots in a poorly maintained vehicle on their way to see KISS in concert. Sigh… this is why we can’t have nice things! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is a new “I Need A Drink” (9) – is Snoop Dogg giving up weed for good? Well when you see why he’s giving up “smoke”, you can bet that his personal joint roller will rest easier once you see what the real marketing campaign was for! Finally this week it’s our ongoing battle of red state governors and blue state governors in “My Governor Is An Idiot” (10) and this week it’s a battle for central superiority as Minnesota’s Tim Walz takes on neighboring rival with Iowa’s Kim Reynolds! Plus to cap things off, we have some live music from the legendary Rival Sons! Buy their new albums Darkfighter and Lightbringer or you’re no friend of this program! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]RIP Rosalynn Carter
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Last week, we lost one of the greats, and one of the greatest human beings of all time. She wasn’t just an amazing first lady, but along with her husband, former president Jimmy Carter, was also an amazing humanitarian as well. Seriously, in a world full of Melania Trumps, be a Rosalynn Carter. So when one of our own passes on, we have to pay tribute to them. We unfortunately didn’t get to do a proper send off to the late, great Ruth Bader Ginsburg because we were dealing with COVID insanity. And speaking of Melania Trump, don’t worry, we’ll get to her in a minute. But before we do, we have to talk about the great things that Mrs. Carter did. We don’t want you to think that this program is entirely about negativity, oh no! Because what kind of hosts would we be? But when you look over the accomplishments that the Carters had in their short reign in the White House, and what they have done after leaving it, it’s truly remarkable. You seriously got to wonder how the US jumped from Carter to Reagan, insane. But again, this is about the good.





As our good friend Kevin Smith says, huge, huge bucket of wind! And no, we’re not going to talk about how Trump wasn’t invited, because that’s one thing where we quite frankly, do not give a fuck. Instead let’s talk about how Mrs. Carter was even in her passing, an awesome human being. Because she wanted the former first ladies to come together at her funeral, which, yes, included Melania Trump, and don’t worry, we will get to her in a minute. But this was something really great that happened and we definitely want to acknowledge that!





So yeah that’s amazing that this actually happened and that no bad blood was spilled. I mean what’s next? Americans coming together and uniting against the rise of fascism in this country and around the world? Oh god I’m delirious! But at the funeral there was a lot that was going on, including the Carter’s children reading memorials, and even the entertainment was A list. Yes, they had Garth Brooks and Trisha Yearwood performing a rendition of John Lennon’s classic song Imagine. So that’s pretty great, even in a time of sadness, that things like this can happen!





OK enough applause. Now we got to talk about something bad that happened. Remember what I said about Melania Trump appearing at the funeral? Of course they have to make everything about them, and we decided that we weren’t going to let it ruin this tribute to one of the best first ladies of all time in United States history. But here’s the thing, that you probably saw relentless social media trolling about because Melania *DARED* to be different: IT IS A FUCKING FUNERAL! Literally everyone there was dressed in black. It’s not the time to standout. Show some damn respect! Oh wait, the MAGAs are totally incapable of doing that. SMDH.






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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Now that we’ve got the good out of the way, let’s jump right into the bad. Yes, that guy who we inexplicably used to call president, Donald J. Trump is back in the news and as we say around here, what he’s up to can be summed up in three words: It ain’t good. As we said last week, we have put a temporary ban on covering Trump rallies and public appearances after he came and barfed his brain at my hometown, and it was every bit as vile as you would expect (see: Idiots #15-9 ). But the thing is, his rallies are getting more frequent as he’s splitting his time between Iowa for the rallies and New York for the trials. Which we got to wonder, who’s funding Trump Force One? We can’t imagine that plane is cheap to maintain. That seems like a fact worth knowing! But his rallies are getting more and more frequent, they’re getting more erratic, and worse – they’re getting more extreme. And he usually has the same group of crazy people following him like he’s some kind of fucked up Jerry Garcia or something. But in the nonstop 24 hour a day coverage of the never-ending MAGA shit show, what’s getting overlooked is Trump’s increasingly and incredibly extremist behavior. But is he going full blown Nazi? Well that’s a fine line and detail that seems to be overlooked.





Look… look, here’s my whole thing,. It’s truly, insanely frightening what the GOP wants for a second term. If you didn’t see our piece on the shocking Project 2025 that was developed by the Heritage Foundation and distributed by Steve Bannon and Fox News, well you absolutely should (see: Idiots #15-13 ). Because there’s some truly frightening stuff that would suggest that the United States is on a path towards enacting and enabling a mass genocide not seen since World War II. And unlike the bullshit that the right is peddling, this ain’t a conspiracy, and it’s not a conspiracy if it’s out in the open and you can easily search for it on Google.





Yeah where’s that guy when you need him? I’ve said before that I feel like we’re living in that movie Don’t Look Up. But it’s not a giant meteor staring us in the face. It’s Nazism, version 2.0. Trump and other MAGA republicans in the House and Senate aren’t using their “wink wink nudge nudge” attitude that they were using before. They’re saying this shit straight up. You don’t go full Nazi. You never, ever go full Nazi. But the question is – is Trump’s scary Hitler tone and straight up neo Nazi rhetoric intentional or is it accidental? Well as we’ve been seeing a pattern this year, is that there is no accidentally quoting the Nazis, and you can’t look back on it.





Yeah where are those guys when you need them? But this is why we need competent leadership in the White House and we can’t fall victim to populist or authoritarian ideals, which is exactly who the MAGA / America First party caters to. But even Joe Biden has been hammering Trump’s use of hateful and violent language. So why aren’t more people outraged by this? And why is Fox News allowing and enabling Trump to get away with it? Because once again, Fox is part of the reason for this rise in authoritarianism around the globe. And if we don’t stop it now, things are going to get just that much worse.






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[font size="8"]Elon Musk
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Well, folks, Nazism seems to be an unfortunately recurring theme in the news lately, so let me make something perfectly clear to those of you who cheerlead the alarming rise of fascism and authoritarianism in the world: WE FOUGHT AN ENTIRE WAR OVER THIS! IT LASTED NEARLY A DECADE AND COST MILLIONS OF LIVES!!! And in the end, we decided that Nazism, white supremacy, and religious extremism were ideas that were best tossed in the dumpster and forgotten about. Well the fact that it seems to be coming back at an alarming rate should terrify anybody. But leave it to social media to make things worse. And one site in particular seems to be festering a lot of it. I’m of course talking about the one that’s currently owned by the Tesla and Space X CEO, and guy who thinks that his online friends are his real friends, Elon Musk. Yeah the hate spreading online seems to be getting worse and it seems like nobody is doing a damn thing about it. Well it actually looks like someone might finally be doing something about it, and telling Elon “enough is enough!”. And it appears that his antics are finally causing some alarm among the few advertisers that Twitter / X still had left.





Yeah don’t be a stupid, be a smarty! Come and join the Nazi party! You know, between this, the 2025 Project (if you haven’t seen our piece on that, check out last week’s edition) and Trump going full Nazi, it seems we have a trifecta on our hands. Why don’t we name this after something that sounds like a Big Bang Theory episode… let’s call this “The Third Reich Triangulation Theory”. Oh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Oh come on, they made jokes about Sheldon being a Nazi in the show! Am I the only one who pays attention to these things? I’ll be expecting a call from Chuck Lorre’s lawyers shortly. But back to the matter at hand, when you play with Nazis, you’re gonna have a bad time. There should be absolutely no debate on this.





And here’s the thing we can’t emphasize enough: when you play with Nazism and white supremacy, you’re playing with fire. These are very dangerous ideologies. So you can either stop playing with Nazis, or you can go further down the wormhole and see how many advertisers you lose. What’s even more bizarre is the fact that Elon is suing Media Matters for pointing out Elon’s obvious white supremacy flirtation under the guise of “protecting free speech”. Which means that we have to state this: yes, free speech gives you the right to be a Nazi under the 1st amendment of the United States Constitution, but that also means that people have the right to not listen to you. It works both ways., and that’s one thing that the MAGAs just do not seem to get.





Hoooooooooooooooooooly shit! Since posting some neo-Nazi friendly tweets, Elon has lost over half of his advertisers. Elon has completely destroyed Twitter and is now flushing its’ remains down the proverbial toilet. And we are starting to wonder if he bought Twitter with the intent of destroying it, and for that, it’s gone swimmingly. At this point, it’s probably going to be like the last days of the Glenn Beck show on Fox News where he was practically reduced to hawking Cash For Gold and that was the only sponsor he had left. Well, it appears that X/Twitter is going that way, and people are leaving that platform in droves. But again, we cannot emphasize this enough – when you hang with Nazis, you’re gonna have a bad time! But the battle between Elon and Media Matters is just getting started and it could have some drastic implications on free speech if it goes the way that Elon wants.






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[font size="8"]Fox News
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Hey Republicans, MAGA lurkers, and Fox News bots – we need to have a heart to heart discussion so we can end this once and for all. But I’m going to be perfectly blunt and it’s a harsh reality that you need to face, but if we are to move forward, it’s a reality that you have to face. And that reality is: you guys really fucking suck at the entertainment business. Your late night host is a “comedian” whose schtick is that he can’t be a racist psychopath enough. Your movies like Sound Of Freedom are really shitty and plain awful. And don’t get us started on Kid Rock and Ted Niugent either. And last week, did anyone else just laugh their asses off when Fox News hosted their annual “awards” show? It’s an awards show for people who don’t watch awards shows and have no idea what goes on at an awards show, produced by people who don’t watch awards shows and have no idea what goes on at an awards show. Yes, two wrongs definitely do not make a right here. So who is getting nominated for awards at this joke of an awards show? Well, as you might guess, from those of us who don’t live in the Fox bubble, some really unsavory characters.





OK… let’s think about this for a second. This is what happens when you shut off reality for Fox News talking points and internet conspiracy theories. Like do the people who were shoving their way to the front of the line for this shit show really think anyone who doesn’t have their eyeballs glued to Fox News 24 hours a day would be in attendance? I know I wasn’t. I have much better things to do. Also do we shame the Opryland Hotel in Nashville for hosting this shit show? Yeah because the GOP is the party of Trump and Fox no matter how much they try to distance themselves from it. But really it was a lot of Fox News patting themselves on the back.





Look, we talk a lot of shit about Fox News on this program. And I can assure you that we have good reasons for it. A big part of the problem is that they gave us Trump. They gave us shitty senators like Tommy Tuberville and even shitter representatives like Marjorie Shit For Brains. Ha ha ha ha ha ha… you ever make fun of someone so much you wish you could thank them for all the good times you’ve had? I mean we’re not laughing with them, we’re laughing *AT* them. And they also enabled and emboldened the people who stormed the Capitol on January 6th. But the reason we give them so much shit is that wherever Fox News goes, fascism and authoritarianism follow. Like when someone gives their stage introduction in full cowboy cosplay, how are we supposed to take these people with any sort of seriousness? The MAGAs are not a serious people!






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[font size="8"]We’re All Gonna Die
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Hey everyone, guess what? We’re all gonna die! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! WOOOOOO!! WOO. WOO. So what’s going to kill us all this week, you might ask? Well, once again, the answer is climate change! And look, we hate to keep beating a dead horse here, but climate change is the reason why this segment was born! You know what? It didn’t have to be like this. We could have been working to end this disaster 20 years ago when Al Gore warned us about it. But nope, people have to listen to the stupid news network with the manufactured talking points and just like COVID, they heckled, booed, and harassed the one guy who was trying to help. See why we say that we can’t have nice things around here? And like any disaster, the phrase “triple threat” is not exactly something that you want to hear that’s neither flattering nor comforting. Like the only good time you want to hear the phrase “triple threat” is when you’re playing Street Fighter and you’ve entered a 3 move combo that knocks out your opponent. Or maybe you prefer video slot machines and that’s how you get the big jackpot. But the simple fact of the current state of climate change can be boiled down to three simple words: It ain’t good. However, the upcoming COP28 Summit in Dubai plans to expunge some of the myths and reality surrounding climate change.





OK… let’s take a moment to think about how absurd this is. Yes, having global meetings about climate change involving foreign leaders and dignitaries is a good thing. No, having 45,000 people fly in from all over the world is not a good thing. Especially in one of the wealthiest cities in the world – a city that prides itself on big buildings, big cars, and even bigger jets. Where the national airline’s first class gives you your own private apartment in the sky. No, that ain’t helping. But the real question among scientists – is should an emergency be declared or should an emergency not be declared? Either way it’s literally a damned if you do, damned if you don’t kind of scenario.





Yeah so the whole idea of declaring climate change an emergency could be either great or it could be a total disaster. And there’s good arguments for both reasons, and trust us, we’ve heard just about all of them. But now the question is – are we or are we not in a situation where climate change could be declared a national emergency? Well like we said, when you see the words “triple threat” and “failure isn’t an option” next to a story, again, like we say around here: it ain’t good. Sure, it could be better but it does seem like we’re improving, but we’re a long way from being out of the woods.





No, no one’s gonna die just yet. Now the question is – what can be done? You might be screaming at your monitor or other device that you watch, listen or read us on going “But hey! We’ve seen the worst that climate change has brought on us this year with Hurricane Ira and the Maui fires!”. The answer of course is yes we’ve seen it, and we hear your cries. But there is one thing that’s currently working to our advantage is that right now we have cooler heads at the state level. I’m not talking about the MAGA clowns in the House and Senate. I’m talking about White House. But whatever happens, it can’t happen soon enough.






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know we decided to do something a bit different for our sermon this week. We originally had a piece planned about SAYTAN but we will save that for another week. But this week, I got a ton of requests to do this one because some of my fellow brothers and sisters on the right were polled about their feelings about the environment. As we know, in the last few years, that Mother Nature herself has proven to be quite the cruel mistress and things are only getting worse, but can something be done about it? Well there’s two things we know. One is that people will start caring about the environment when it becomes profitable to do so. And the other is that worshippers of the unholy, ungodly Dark One just do not care to do a damn thing about it. I of course speak of a man who is so foul, so profane and disgusting that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! So here’s what we know is that churches have taken a very different, though not entirely unexpected turn in the war on climate change. And it’s not a good one either!





OK… OK there’s a lot to unpack there. But you know how we say that America’s religious aren’t just deprogrammable, but they seem to be infected with some kind of virus that makes them completely shut off reality? Well this is a perfect example of that. No matter how many times you tell them “NO” they seem to think that’s OK to do it. And you can *SHOW* them examples and literally point to them, but they will come back and say that it’s fake news. Or it didn’t happen. Like Florida is drowning in hurricanes. We just had a really terrible one this year. So what do they do? You guessed it – they prayed instead of acting on it. And that’s what we get.





Of course they don’t. Because as most of us know, there’s way too many humans on this planet. In fact we’re approaching a global population of 9 BILLION. Yes, BILLION. With a B. And just 20 years ago we were at the 7 BILLION mark. So in 20 years, the population has just exploded. And any serious long term climate change proposal is probably going to say that we need less humans on this planet, and definitely not more. So what happens when the country isn’t going to get off its’ ass any time soon because it watches a news network that shall not be named and it’s filling its’ viewers heads with bile and garbage 24 hours a day every day? Well, you take matters into your own hands, that’s’ what!





Yeah so that’s exactly what you do in those situations. You have to take matters into your own hands. So here’s what might be the most shocking part of this entire survey. In case you’re wondering if the current anti-environment backlash that’s going on is tied to the rise in white supremacy and authoritarianism happening around the globe, well guess what? It is! And I’m sure that it’s not something that JAYSUS would want now, is it? Because guess which religion is most likely to take climate change seriously out of all of them? Well it’s an answer that Rupert Murdoch and the unholy Dark One aren’t going to like!





Yes, so my friends, the unholy Dark One and his followers may be attempting to undo climate change action, but we all know the truth about this movement! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! Don’t forget episode 4 of Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons premiers this Sunday at 2:00! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]People Who Somehow Got Elected: Markwayne Mullin
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Politicians at the state and local levels who are so toxic, you wonder how they’re able to get away with the things they get away with. This is:



This week – Markwayne Mullin. If you don’t know who that is, this guy is a first time, Fox News installed and approved senator of Oklahoma. Now we’ve often said that MAGA politicians really don’t want to work and are only interested in the title and power that comes with holding these offices. Which is why the MAGAs were recently paid a visit by their regional manager, Sean Hannity. And really, you have to wonder how people like Markwayne Mullin get elected. Oh wait, Fox News, that’s how. And he is a candidate by and for Fox News viewers, because no matter how hard he gets humiliated in an argument, he's not afraid to go down without a fight. And since getting elected to the Senate, he’s got a history of that sort of thing. So if you haven’t been following, the feud between Teamsters president Sean O’Brien, has been nothing short of spectacular. And it’s been unfolding for the last several months on… yup, you guessed it, Fox News.





So what do you want to do? You want to fight about it? Well once again, we have another product of the Fox News / Heritage Foundation Ministry Of Propaganda – the reason why we can’t have nice things in this country. And come on, here’s the thing – when one challenges you to a duel, you pretty much have to take them up on it. But Markwayne Mullin is the kind of asshole whose bark really is as strong as his bite – and we do mean this literally. Yes, he said that he doesn’t care if he literally bites people. And that’s not anything any sane or civilized American would do. This is criminally insane behavior again brought to you by Fox News.





Yeah we’re not religious, but we’re pretty sure that biting people and generally acting like colossal douchebags isn’t what Jesus had in mind when it comes to being a good Christian. And come on, at this point, given the MAGAs’ outrageous behavior, can’t we just put them all in a steel cage death match and let them fight it out until there’s one left standing? We would like to see George Carlin’s vision of the ultimate arena brawl come to life. But really, America is just teetering on the edge of being one election away from Congress turning into the House Of Representin’ from Idiocracy.




Yes, it’ll be like that a few generations after the MAGA dust has finally settled. But in case you’re asking – does Sen. Mullin have any qualifications to actually lead the country? The answer, simply, is a big flat out NO. His qualifications are that he runs a mildly successful plumbing business, and that’s about it, and the MAGA community likes it that way. Which, again, is yet another reason why we can’t have nice things in this country. And just like the other countless MAGA idiots, er, politicians, that we’ve seen, they lie about, well, just about everything, And you can add Markwayne Mullin to the list of MAGA politicians who just don’t give a shit about what you think.





Yes that’s Oklahoma’s more redneck than thou Fox News installed senator who’s willing to both fight and bite you, Markwayne Mullin. Yet another toxic politician to add to that ever growing list of:




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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. Ah, there we go! They are trying to read yours and my thoughts after all! This week, you might have seen social media light up after a Bentley exploded at the US – Canadian border. Well, that didn’t stop MAGA extremists online from floating some absolutely wild theories about it being a terrorist attack. Well, it turns out that it was just some idiots in a poorly maintained vehicle heading out to a Kiss concert in Buffalo. Or…………… was it? Of course that’s what they want you to think! But that didn’t stop the tin foil hat misinformation from flying.





Of course that’s what happens when you don’t read the news past the headlines and let pre manufactured talking points fill your head and the rest of the story with bile and garbage. So of course it’s only natural for the MAGA mind to think that it’s the beginnings of a border war between the US and Canada. OMG! The sky is falling!!! Everyone run for your lives!!! And you know how in every movie where there’s some kind of crisis happening and there’s one guy in the room who’s clearly not helping things and making everyone else’s lives worse? Well, that was the FBI on Wednesday when this news was first breaking.





Yeah here’s exactly why we keep placing the blame on right wing talk shows. This is how much their heads keep getting filled with bile and garbage on a 24 hour a day basis. Like the MAGAs were quick to declare war on Canada before the dust even settled on the explosion. And the reason why is they listen to professional trolls like Sean Hannity, who were quick to declare war on Canada before the dust even settled in the explosion. They call it an echo chamber because the same bullshit gets repeated to the same people over and over and over. Did you catch what I just did there? That’s a perfect example of how the echo chamber whips people into a needless frenzy. But yeah in case you’re wondering, this is why we can’t have nice things.





No it’s not rigged. There’s no terrorist attack. There’s no border war. There’s no international incident or crisis here. It’s not Hamas trying to cross the US border. Can we all just take a step back, chill the fuck out, and pull each other’s heads out of our collective asses? Because if you read the actual news and not made up conspiracy theory bullshit that’s designed to whip people into a needless frenzy, you’d know that there wasn’t a terror attack. Nothing even remotely close to it. Which is why it’s a good time to remind you that New York has a democratic governor and if this happened in a GOP run state, it might not have ended the same way.






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
[br] [/font] [br]

Hey everyone, I don’t know about you, but I could really use a drink!



So of course you know by now that the idea of this segment is that we have some drinks, and while we are drinking, we talk about literally anything in the news as long as it doesn’t directly relate to politics, because there’s a lot of dark shit in the news right now, so the best escape from it is to belly up to the bar and have a few cold ones! Only rules we got in this bar – no fighting, no cussing, and no politics! A bit of mild swearing is allowed, as long as it’s never *AT* someone! And my sober brothers and sisters, don’t worry, we got you covered too, just grab a glass of your favorite coffee, tea or energy drink and come get wired with us! Actually this week we should temporarily change the name to “I Need A Smoke”… ha ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah smoke ‘em if you got ‘em, that’s our motto! Because this week, our old buddy Snoop Dogg was in the news because of some marijuana related news. So tell me bartender, what goes well with a story about Snoop Dogg and weed? Some space tea? What’s in that? Marijuana and tea? That sounds lethal. I’ll just stick with my usual Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. I call it the “Double Jack”. So of course we mentioned that the king of getting stoned, Snoop Dogg, is in the news because it was announced that he’s quitting smoking weed. Yeah womp womp! So does this mean that marijuana is losing one of it’s biggest brand ambassadors? Well Snoop may be blowing some smoke, and well you’ll see why his personal joint roller can rest easier in a minute.





So let’s recap here – Snoop Dogg is one of marijuana’s biggest brand ambassadors. We already lost one of them earlier this year when Kevin Smith announced that he was giving up the MJ for good. At least Cypress Hill still exists! But of course his announcement sent shockwaves through the weed community – companies who are profiting off cannabis suffered a huge blow (ha!) with this hit. And again, we know that Snoop has a personal joint roller, and for the longest time, we thought that was the most secure job in the world, if you’re a good joint roller, that is! But yeah again this is one of those things we always talk about where actions have consequences!





So allow me to channel my inner local news reporter here – is Snoop Dogg really blowing smoke or is he just full of hot air? Well, you might say that it’s a little from column A and a little from column B. He’s definitely giving up smoke all right, but this one is actually for a good cause. So it turns out that Snoop A Loop isn’t giving up marijuana, he’s just giving up smoke. And when you see why – it’s actually to raise awareness for the environment. So does this mean that Snoop is woke now? Yeah we can see the MAGAs rushing to burn their Snoop Dogg CDs right now. Oh wait, I’m breaking my “no politics at the bar” rule. Moving on! But yes, Snoop is still going to smoke some weed, so all you cannabis heads can rest easier and inhale more smoke.





Yeah so all you pot heads out there, you can definitely rest easier now because Snoop isn’t quitting weed, he’s just quitting smoke. Yes, he’s doing this for a good cause. But why do we fall for celebrities and their cryptic messages time and time again? Whether it’s Snoop quitting smoke or Gwenyth Paltrow’s Exploding Vagina Candles… don’t go see them at the Troubadour, terrible band… or Kanye’s… I don’t know whatever the hell this is, but don’t do it… but we fall for it every single time, and they do this because why? It gets their name in the news. Yeah it’s publicity stunt and we all fell for it, and we’ll keep falling for it because… reasons.






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[font size="8"]My Governor Is An Idiot Round 7: Walz Vs Reynolds

[br] [/font] [br]



Welcome back to the segment where we pit red state governors against blue state governors in a quest for nothing more than superiority and bragging rights, inspired by a bumper sticker that we see way too frequently in California: My Governor Is An Idiot! In the last few weeks we’ve been touring the US as we’ve seen JB Pritzker take on Texas’ Greg Abbott, while Andy Beshear edged out a victory for reelection and upstaged Alabama’s Kay Ivey! This week it’s a battle for Central supremacy as neighbors Minnesota and Iowa’s Kim Reynolds duke it out!

[font size="4"]Walz[/font]

Tim Walz is the two term governor of one of the bluest states in the country – Minnesota. You know Minnesota, it’s the home of the Minnesota Vikings and the Minnesota Twins. It’s also the home of the world famous Juicy Lucy hamburger. And it’s also the home of way too many television characters who say the word “eh” a lot. But it’s also the home of WHY ELECTIONS FUCKING MATTER. Yes, Ilhan Omar is from there, and regardless of what you think of her, she’s been a very valuable asset to the party. But this is about governor Tim Walz. And right now, we have to say that we definitely support what he’s saying and doing about the GOP’s terrible antics.





Yeah we need more anti-Desantis and anti-Trump because I don’t know if you have been paying attention or not to the rest of this edition (and if you haven’t, as George Clinton says, take your dead ass home!), but there’s been an underlying theme in the news the last couple of weeks: Nazism. And yeah we need to speak up now before it’s too late! But enough of the bad, how about some good? One good thing that Tim Walz has done lately was enact one of the first of its’ kind right to repair laws in the United States. That’s right – you can now have the right to repair your own shit, folks! As Uncle Roger would say, fuiyoh!!!





[font size="4"]Reynolds[/font]

Iowa and Minnesota are neighbors and rivals and not just on the collegiate football field either. They are literal polar opposites when it comes to politics. As blue as Minnesota is, Iowa is blood red and it’s only getting that much redder. I mean come on, this is the state that gave us one of the most racist Congressional people in history. So we’re not surprised that Iowa elected Christian conservative Kim Reynolds not once but twice. And again, people another perfect example of why elections matter at every single level. Because while Minnesota is enjoying benefits and perks, Iowa is busy taking away and eroding rights. Like that of trans people to be able to access health care, which goes back to internet conspiracy theories. Again, some bullshit.





Although if there is anything good coming from Kim Reynolds, it’s that she’s one of the rare ones in the GOP who is going against the MAGA cult and choosing to endorse Ron DeSantis over you know, that guy who we for some reason used to call president. Which has him fuming. But given Desantis’ ridiculously failing campaign, we’re not sure if that’s something to be proud of or not. In case you’re wondering if Iowa has made any progress at all, well, let’s just say that Iowa’s going literally the exact opposite of their neighbors Minnesota when it comes to education, and they’re among the states that are siding with the Murdoch cult and making things this much worse.





[font size="4"]And The Idiot Is: [/font]

Oh come on, you didn’t think it was going to be Tim Walz, did you? Kim Reynolds wins, or loses, this round easily!

[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

Next week for Round 8, it’s another Beltway Battle as Maryland’s Wes Moore takes on Ohio’s Mike DeWine! Gonna be a fun one!


[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]Rival Sons[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest has not one but two albums out. This is their new album called Darkfighter. Playing their song “Nobody Wants To Die”, give it up for Rival Sons!



Thank you Oxnard! This was fun! We’ll be back soon! We are back home in Santa Ana for our last regular Top 10 of 2023! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Rival Sons Appear Courtesy Of: Atlantic Recording Corporation
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: Levity Live, Oxnard, CA
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Mastodon at: Top10ConIdiots@mstdn.party
Follow The Holy Church Of The Top 10 On Mastodon at: churchoftop10@mstdn.party
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

November 19, 2023

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Presents: Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons Season 2 Episode 3: The Twisted World Of Mike Johnson

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Presents: Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons Season 2 Episode 3: The Twisted World Of Mike Johnson

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! You know when we first heard that Louisiana’s Mike Johnson was going to be the new Speaker Of The House, we did not hesitate to do a deep dive into his religious beliefs, and they were pretty much exactly what we expected. But one thing we didn’t count on was something completely unexpected that showed up under our radar – the Christian spyware industry. And apparently with that in mind, we’ve got a lot to unpack here. Remember when I said that our new House Speaker has given us no shortage of material to work with? Well he so far has yet to disappoint. With that in mind, this is what our spinoff series was made for! Because Mike Johnson, and the people who vote for him, do not worship GAWD or JAYSUS! No, they worship the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name dare not be spoken in my church! So let’s quit yer bullshit and get right to it, shall we?

So where do we begin this week? Well in the number one slot this week, obviously we’re going to talk about the core beliefs of the man who is the Speaker Of The House and now third in line for the Presidency Of The United States, Louisiana’s Mike Johnson (1) and my god, where did Fox News find this guy from? We have a megachurch pastor as the Speaker now! And since becoming speaker, Mr. Johnson has brought to light a really controversial and scary anti-porn spyware app called Covenant Eyes (2) that is every bit as horrible as it sounds. And to lighten the mood around here, in the third slot this week, we’re going to bring you some more tales of Youth Pastors Gone Wild (3), because like Florida Man keeps getting arrested for stupidity, Youth Pastors get arrested for perversion! And to top things off, in the number 4 slot, we’re going to answer your prayers from the Holy Shit Hotline To Heaven! Enjoy! And as always don't forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know we live in some very trying times. Especially when there’s a hostile news network with authoritarian interests trying to take over every single branch of the US government. And last week, they got the hard lined Speaker Of The House that they always wanted after 19 days of not having one, the largest period in US history since the Civil War! Well we come now to our new hard lined authoritarian speaker Mike Johnson. And just like you, last week, I had the same question as everyone else: who the fuck is this guy? Well he’s now third in line for the presidency of the United States. And he’s a MAGA loyalist who unequivocally supports the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! But here’s the thing – you know you done fucked up when even members of your own religion say that you don’t represent them! Yes, there’s been a petition of over 12,000 American Christians that have said that MAGA Mike Johnson doesn’t represent them.





Ah, there in lies the conundrum, my fair congregation! See, you know the old saying is that the Devil is in the details, but in our Good Book, it says that JAYSUS once said that you should be NOT like the hypocrites who preach on street corners! Because the good LAWRD would not want that now would he, and in the eyes of GAWD, Mike Johnson is yet another in the long list of Christian hypocrites who claim to worship GAWD, but really they worship the unholy Dark One. Now here’s where it gets weird, and you knew that it was going to. Apparently Mrs. Johnson runs her own religious “consulting” firm, and you know the kind of religion that is. You all know, it’s the “do as I say, not as I do” variety. You know very well that your religion cannot coerce someone into making “the right choice”, we all know that’s 100% grade A, FDA certified bullshit!





Which that, I can assure you, my friends, it is most definitely NOT! But this hypocrisy surrounding our new Speaker is massively insane. And here’s the thing, Speaker Johnson, if you’re not prepared to be in the spotlight for any length of time, you’d better get used to it. You’re third in line for the presidency of the United States now! People are going to find out about your affairs and when they do, it’s not going to be pretty by any stretch of the imagination, no sir! In fact here’s one of his more extreme beliefs that could potentially backfire on him big time if enacted. Remember – NOWHERE in the United States Constitution does it say any of this!





Now we haven’t even got to the worst of it, yet! Oh no, not by a long shot, my fair congregation! So we’ve established that Mike Johnson is a MAGA religious bigot of the highest order. He does not abide by the Constitution or the Bible. In fact, he only serves his masters at News Corporation. But here’s the thing, you can’t defend extremism no matter how hard you try. It’s impossible. Even the MAGA Taliban extremists who put him into office are having a hard time defending the old school fire and brimstone version of Christianity that they so practice. The kind that made Speaker Johnson say those evil and horrible things! So yeah this is the internet, guys! There are no take backs!






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know the last couple of weeks we’ve been following the bizarre saga surrounding Louisiana’s Mike Johnson. Yes, he was once an unknown representative in Congress. Now he’s the new House Speaker and third in line for the Presidency Of The United States, and I don’t need to tell you that he’s given us no shortage of material for the next several editions of our fine program. For Mr. Johnson does not represent GAWD or JAYSUS. No! he represents the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! I say DARE NOT, good sir! But after last week’s sermon, we got absolutely flooded with requests to do a deep dive on the subject of this week’s sermon. Snooping. Is it OK to? So we turn to our Good Book for this one, and it does say thou shalt not snoop. OK maybe not in those exact words, but you know what I am saying. But this is one of the more bizarre aspects of the man who is now third in line for the United States presidency. And while we do want to say we’re shocked about this kind of thing, it’s not really that shocking. We know that fundamentalist Christians are prone to exercising their sexual urges, and we know they can easily give into temptation. And our man Mike Johnson isn’t much different from any of us. But he does have an interesting quirk.





Yeah now this represents a rather interesting phenomenon that ONLY seems to affect Christian men. So remember what I said about giving into temptation? They seem to be doing that, but on a rather regular basis. Like seriously how perverted are you that you can’t look at your phone for five minutes without wanting to venture into looking at porn that you need a software app that essentially acts as the angel on your shoulder? Well in this case, there’s also the devil, but the devil pimp slapped the angel Will Smith style and sent him packing. The interesting thing about this app is that it’s marketed directly to Mike Johnson types.





Now look, we don’t mean to kink shame, but whatever floats your boat, am I right? To me what’s really insane is that Christian males get off (phrasing!) on this kind of thing. But one thing we did discover in doing our research for this segment is that Covenant Eyes apparently has a fan base. He’s got coooooooooooovenant eyes… yes he’s coooooooooooooovenant eyes… OK I’ll refrain from singing that song any further. But the thing that we’re wondering about all of this is – of all the people who you could choose to be your porno accountability partner, why do you choose your dad? That just opens up all sorts of creepy and weird vibes.





Yeah I’ll say! But again, we don’t mean to kink shame, but this software is insane. And we mentioned earlier that it has celebrity fans like Josh Duggar and Lamar Odom, and we all know how well that worked out for them. Did I mention that this man is third in line for the presidency? We could spend all day talking about this, and we will, don’t you worry! In fact, we may have to do a deep dive on the subject in the future, because there’s a lot of these Christian accountability apps and they all have jobs, and their job is to keep you safe… from yourself. And your manly urges and temptations. Do not be afraid to give in, give in!!!



?w=580

So there is a devil among us, and that devil is you! You are your own devil according to the newly unfolding Christian spyware industry! Give in to temptation, my fair congregation! Give in! You only live once!


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[font size="8"]The Christian Spyware Industry

[br] [/font] [br]

You know, when we first heard about Mike Johnson and the controversial Covenent Eyes app, we knew that we had to do a deep dive into the Christian accountability spyware industry. And there is a lot of this shit out there. But here’s the thing that we’ve learned about white Christians, especially the men, over the years, is that they easily give into temptation. Covenant Eyes is one of the more popular spyware apps out there. But there’s tons of accountability apps out there, whether your temptation is food, porn, booze, you name it. So before we get into it, we got to ask – where is this shit coming from? And more importantly – why do those who say that we must NOT give into temptation are the ones who so easily give into temptation? Well, my fair congregation, the answer to the second question is a lot more complicated than the answer to the first question. The answer to the first question is much easier because this is where this shit is coming from. It’s from a company called Owosso Software that’s made in Owosso, Michigan. And use of the software is not cheap. It’s very expensive to use. So don’t give quite easily into temptation, my fair congregation!





Now this raises an interesting question – why would someone need to be held accountable for their actions? You would think that the average person would be able to control their basic impulses, but it seems like that kind of thing gets thrown out the window when you get baptized. So now we must ask the question – why give into temptation? Why not? You only live once! But there’s a lot more to this hideous app than what appears to be on the surface. In fact the more you know about Covenant Eyes and other surveillance apps, the weirder it gets, and the more you wish you didn’t know about these things!





Yeah remember that episode of South Park where Butters’ parents think that he’s doing some terrible stuff behind closed doors so they send him to that Christian anti-gay camp and he has to have an “accountability buddy”, but that accountability buddy is really fucked up? Well it’s kind of like that, and this is not what GAWD or JAYSUS would want now is it? Now that case is aolso extremely frightening because that case is particularly frightening. Covenant Eyes and other surveillance monitoring apps aren’t just merely innocent anti-porn monitoring tools. They’re legit spyware. Even actual security experts raise concerns about this app.





Yeah so in this day and age when your phone can be your accountability buddy, it’s not exactly something that should be inspiring. No, it should be frightening. Because remember that case that was mentioned in the previous story? It’s far more frightening under the surface than it seems. If a judge, church, or school wants to install this app on your phone, don’t just walk… run the other way as quickly as possible. This is some truly frightening stuff, and the people who can see your data are definitely not the ones who you want seeing your data.






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[font size="8"]The Holy Shit Hotline To Heaven
[br] [/font] [br]



My fair congregation! We come now to the end of our service! But before we go, you know that we love to hit up the Holy Shit Hotline To Heaven, which is our official prayer line. If you want to know where to hit us up, you can find us on Mastodon at holychurchoftop10 @mstdn.party. For those of you new to our fine program, the following is a free form segment where we answer your prayers and just generally shoot the breeze, and hopefully play you some clips of Christian pastors and talk show hosts saying some really bizarre stuff that they probably don’t mean, but that doesn’t mean that someone will believe the crazy things that they say! But we welcome any and all prayers and we appreciate the fans. Don’t be afraid to hit us up, whether it’s about the news of the day or you need your answers to your ever most burning questions! Don’t forget we also offer grievance counseling, but this is a comedy show! Let’s open it up and go to the floor, shall we?

Larry T. from Royal Oak, Michigan writres:

Heavenly Father,

Why does it seem like my fundamentalist friends really do live on another plane of existence? I really do feel like they live in an alternate reality.”

Well, Brother Larry, that is a very complicated question with no easy answers. In all of the years that we’ve been doing this, it seems like Christians are increasingly just flat out rejecting reality. That may seem a bit harsh, and it does seem like we target Christians a lot, but it’s the truth. And their loyalty to the unholy Dark One just proves how out of touch with reality they are. It’s truly insane that they claim to be children of GAWD but then they reject all common sense in their love of the Dark One and their rejection of facts and logic. But when you have people like David Barton and Bob Good filling your head with garbage, then these things happen.




Melinda P. from Fallbrook, California writes::

“Heavenly Father,

Why does it seem like the right wing is moving even further right on the abortion issue despite that it lost big in the elections this week? Is there any reason for that?”

Well, Sister Melinda, again this is a good question and it’s one that we’re planning a deep dive on in one of our future sermons. But it seems since the death of one of the greatest Supreme Court justices of all time, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, that the right wing has recently become like Lucy pulling the football away from Charlie Brown when it comes to this issue. And while last week’s election should have been a slap in the face to pro-abortion activists, instead they’re doubling down on their nonsense. In fact as we often say around here, the cruelty is the point!



Tim O.. from Albuquerque, New Mexico writes:

“Heavenly Father,

I love Taylor Swift. In fact I even went to three shows on her most recent tour. So why do I get strange looks when I wear my Taylor Swift shirts around my MAGA friends?”

Brother Tim, it seems that the hardcore religious MAGA community has turned on Taylor Swift because she’s dating Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver Travis Kelce. And Mr. Kelce recently inked a deal doing advertising for Pfizer, who is the scourge of the MAGA community because of the COVID-19 vaccines, and we all know that religious people and anti-vaxxer conspiracy theories go hand in hand. Plus it might also have something to do with her worshipping SAYTAN and performing satanic rituals.



Our final prayer this week comes from:

Anna Q. from Henderson, NV writes:

“Heavenly Father,

Whatever happened to that My Pillow guy? My religious friends admire him but I think that guy has a screw loose or two. Is he still around?”

Sister Anna, yes, we are more than familiar with the dealings and conspiracy theories peddled by Mr. Lindell. He’s still around, apparently doing everything but selling pillows. Instead, while his company is tanking, he’s selling some absolutely bonkers tin foil hat election monitoring devices and giving two day seminars on them. Plus, he’s apparently still trying to overthrow the 2020 election.





Thank you my fair congregation! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! We will return on Sunday, December 3rd with a brand new episode about Christians and climate change and we'll take a look at the controversial ReAwaken America tour!

Credits

Host: Pastor Initech
Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons Recorded Live At: Constellation Room at Observatory OC, Santa Ana, CA
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Mastodon: top10conidiots@mstdn.party
Follow The Holy Church Of The Top 10 On Twitter: holychurchoftop10@mstdn.party
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

November 16, 2023

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #15-13: Dawn Of The Planet Of The MAGAs Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #15-13: Dawn Of The Planet Of The MAGAs Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yooooooooooooooooooo!!!! What’s up, Las Vegas, how you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! It’s great to be back in Sin City at the MGM Grand, and we’re ready to have some fun! Whew, man, what a week last week was! We made some huge gains in the 2023 election that we can’t wait to tell you about! And also, I say this with the utmost sincerity – but fuck Fox News and Tate Reeves to the hottest of hells. Now that we’ve got that out of the way, can you believe that we have just 3 Top 10s remaining before we pack it in for the year? Of course the year will end with our annual attempt to squeeze an entire year’s worth of entries into six short entries. So I want to start with this. You know, we’ve put a temporary ban on Trump rallies and public appearances for the time being, because he seems to have one like every other day, and they're all the same, and he spews the same hateful bullshit at all of them. I know! And this is a show that started covering his crap all the time. But the reason why we did is just because we’re sick of his bullshit, and there’s too much of it. And he’s literally just dragging everyone down to his level. So because of that, no Trump rallies, UFC appearances, or other crap. But we do want to lift that ban temporarily because we got to talk about what went down at UFC 259 in Miami this last weekend and it’s awesome. First off, Trump showed up with his posse – the Below Average White Supremacist Band consisting of Kid Rock and Tucker Carlson, and whoever these douchebags are. But while he was walking to his seat before the fight… this happened. Can we show that?



Yeah so can we all agree that we’re feeling the same as Bill Burr’s wife, Nia Renee? I know that I sure as hell am! That’s why we’re sick of his shit! OK, enough of the intro. We have a lot of idiocy to get to, but first John Oliver is back and he talks about the Isreal – Hamas conflict in terms we can uinderstand, and I will say that it’s very difficult to watch but must be done:



So where do we begin for this week’s edition? Well to start with, how many people are pleased with the results of the 2023 midterm elections? We most definitely are, and we’re going to bring you some of the highlights (1) and a couple of lowlights of the 2023 elections. In the second slot, speaking of lowlights, we’re going to bring you all the lowlights from the latest GOP debate shit show (2) and of course you know that the guy who currently owns the GOP, that guy who we inexplicably used to call president, Donald J. Trump, has to go and ruin everything, right? Of course you knew that! Taking the third slot this week, you’ve been hearing about it in your online circles, but we need to talk about this subject because it's truly the stuff of nightmares. The Heritage Foundation in conjunction with Fox News and Steve Bannon have been developing something called “Project 2025” (3) which is basically the blueprint to install a fascist military dictatorship in the US. And it is, believe us when we say it, pure fucking evil. In the number 4 slot this week, our long national nightmare is finally over as the SAG / AFTRA Strike finally comes to a close (4) and this will effectively end an incredibly long and extremely frustrating year of labor disputes! In the number 5 slot this week is another installment of our award winning investigative journalism segment Top 10 Investigates (5) and this week, as automotive technology is on the rise, we ask the question – “Is your car spying on you?” to which we provide the answer: probably! In the number 6 slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and this week, our resident pastor is going to take a look at an extremely controversial anti-porn spyware app called Covenant Eyes (6) that was made famous by new House speaker Mike Johnson and marketed directly to fundamentalist Christians. Is it really as bad as they say it is? Probably. In the number 7 slot this week, we add the new Fox News approved MAGA loyalist, er stooge and new governor of Louisiana, Jeff Landry (7) to the ever-growing list of People Who Somehow Got Elected! Taking the number 8 slot this week is our weekly venture into the never-ending world of online tin foil hat nuttery in Conspiracy Corner (8) and this week, our old friend Marjorie Three Names has figured out a way to deal with people she doesn’t like, and that is to just reduce their salary to $1, but this has set off an incredibly bizarre and extremely dangerous trend, and yes, there may be a Price Is Right reference in there or two! In the number 9 (NEIN!!) slot this week we have a new edition of People Are Dumb (9) because of course they are! Finally this week, it’s Round 6 of our ongoing battle between red state governors and blue state governors in My Governor Is An Idiot (10) and this week we’re pitting Kentucky’s newly reelected governor Andy Beshear against collegiate rivals Alabama and their Fox News installed governor Kay Ivey! And to close things out, we have Australia’s reigning kings of psychedelic rock, King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard joining us! Buy their new album Petrodragonic Apocalypse or you’re no friend of this program! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Highlights From The 2023 Election
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We always talk about all the bad shit that’s going on the world, and it does get super depressing at times. So you know what? Before we get into the bad shit that happened in the 2023 election this week, why don’t we start with some good news? Then we’ll get into the bad news. That’s what we do – we give you the good shit first, then follow it up with a chaser. Yes, while most of the rest of the civilized world is waiting and holding their breath to see if the United States chooses to prosper or chooses an authoritarian dictatorship in Biden V Trump II: This Time It’s Personal! Ha ha ha ha ha! Or how about we call this Rise Of The Planet Of The MAGAs? Yeah you could do a whole series of these – Dawn Of The Planet Of The MAGAs, Revenge Of The Planet Of The MAGAs, War Of The Planet Of The MAGAs, Beneath The Planet Of The MAGAs… you get the idea! So the good news is that people are waking up to the rise of authoritarianism in the United States. Seats are being flipped, and districts are turning blue that were previously red. And some big initiatives won in places that you would not have expected them to. So here’s more.





Yeah let’s expand on that for a minute – the Ohio abortion rights measure 1 victory was fucking huge, and it’s a slap in the face to the people who voted to overturn Roe V Wade in 2016 and 2020. And keep in mind, much like we’ve said that Vladimir Putin isn’t stopping at Ukraine, the right wing nuts aren’t stopping at abortion. They’re going full totalitarian dictator on this one and you never want to go full totalitarian dictator. Which I said that they’re not stopping at abortion and I’m not kidding. In fact they’re doubling down on their quest to remove abortion completely from the US landscape. And they’ll lose again.





Yeah that’s pretty much the way that the GOP is going on abortion. And if they lose and don’t like that the outcome doesn’t favor them? They’ll overturn the popular vote, because that’s the kind of out of control psychopaths that we’re dealing with here. So there are encouraging signs here. Yes, you should pay attention to the polls right now. And no, the polls don’t mean shit a year out from the actual presidential election. But the reason why we say that you should pay attention to the polls is because they can be a huge factor in the outcome of an actual election. And the independent voters will make a huge difference in this election and elections to come.





Come on people, stop your rabbling! There is some bad news from the 2023 election though – is that while we’re celebrating huge gains, so is the right. Yes, we know that they flipped the Louisiana governor’s seat with a hard lined MAGA psychopath (don’t worry, we’ll get to that in a minute) and also fuck Tate Reeves. But that just shows how deep the divide is in this country, and the red states are getting that much redder. So take this as both a warning and a preview of what’s to come – 2024 is going to be that much of a shit show and even worse than we could think if we don’t vote in numbers too large to be manipulated by Fox News.





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[font size="8"]The GOP 2023 Debates: Fight! Fight! Fight!
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We’re witnessing the last remnants of a party that is desperate to hang onto the power that it did during the Trump years and the Bush years. The fact is that the United States is getting more liberal every single election cycle and we’ve got the facts and the evidence to prove it. But as for the rest of the country, I want to say this: WAKE THE FUCK UP PEOPLE!!! We’ve got to get our shit together! You know all those reports that say that the United States is one election away from being a full blown authoritarian dictatorship? Well they’re not kidding. The GOP is getting more embarrassing every single election cycle. And what we learned by watching last week’s GOP debate is that the GOP has basically split into two. There’s the MAGA cult wing of the GOP, and there’s the Fox News cult wing of the GOP, and the 500 clown car participants are basically running to be the MAGA cult wing leader’s vice president should he slime his way back in the White House. Gee, after the way he treated the last guy, why would anyone want that job? Well, the entire thing was an absolute shit show as you can imagine, and also as you can imagine, NONE of these clowns are people who you wouldn’t trust to run a Waffle House, let alone the White House. No matter who won last week’s debate, they’re all losers.





Well that’s what happens when you replace your critical thinking skills with talking points manufactured by News Corporation. And before you point out that Trump held a rally in Iowa to spite the GOP debates, probably because he wasn’t invited, I do want to say that we put a temporary ban on covering Trump rallies and public appearances because they’re all the same, and we don’t want to be covering Trump for all 10 entries every edition. However, I do want to show this clip of Roseanne’s warm-up speech because it’s shockingly bad. And it sums up just how crazy the MAGA party is.

https://www.twitter.com/RonFilipkowski/status/1722600954908835999

We could, but we choose not to! But really, do we need to go through this shit when the MAGA king himself is already going to be the nominee no matter how much the GOP try to distance themselves from it?





Well there is some good news is that the GOP clown car is getting smaller. There’s a couple of fringe candidates that dropped out and we’re just like “Who?”. But really what this debate is doing is it’s showing just who kisses Trump’s ass the most, and who the biggest tool of News Corporation and Fox News is. Right now, our country is being held hostage by the Heritage Foundation and Sean Hannity because they’re mad that Orange Man Baby is in charge, and that democracy triumphed over American fascism. But really, are professional tools and social media trolls like Vivek Ramaswamy and Ron DeSantis the answer to America’s problems? Hell no. They’ll just make things worse.





TELL THE TRUTH!!!! LMAO, that’s your definition of the truth? No, Vivek, he’s legit the worst president we’ve ever had, OK? And now he’s going full Hitler which means there will be mass murder in the United States’ future if we don’t do the right thing and arrest this man and give him the one way ticket to Rikers Island that he so greatly deserves. But seriously, the debates are just getting absolutely ridiculous at this point and it’s way past time to stop the madness. There is a clear bad guy in this equation, and he lives at 1100 Ocean Blvd in Miami Beach. None of these clowns have the chance to stop him, and Fox News and the Heritage Foundation are bent on giving Americans the full third world dictator experience. It’s time to shut them all down. No more food fights.






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I was trying to figure out the best way to introduce this next segment. But you know when you first hear something in the news and your first thought is the old classic Scooby Doo line “Call it a hunch, but I got a bad feeling about this?”. That was our first thought when we first heard about Project 2025. Now in case you’re wondering what Project 2025 is, it’s basically a blueprint for how to install the right wing’s dream authoritarian military dictatorship in the United States keeping within the confines of the United States Constitution. Now before you boo, just wait until I tell you who’s behind it! In case you’re if this is part of the right wing’s “give me that it’s mine” strategy, you’re right. So who’s behind it? Well, Project 2025 was authored by the Heritage Foundation in conjunction with Oracle in order to root out government employees who aren’t loyal to the new GOP administration. Yeah it’s some absolutely frightening shit that only gets worse the more you dig into it. But before we get into it, we first have to explain exactly what it is, and it’s the stuff of pure, unfiltered, fucking evil.





Yeah Trump’s plan the first time to install an army of loyalists at the federal level didn’t exactly go as planned, so it’s back to the drawing board. But the fact that the Heritage Foundation is behind this is truly frightening. We’ve often said how evil the Kochs are, but this is some next level evil. And they’re not stopping at federal employees. In fact if you’re simply living in the United States – as a citizen or not, this is something that could potentially get really ugly really quickly. The fascist thugs want to know if you’re a citizen on the census. And that is fucked up.





Damn right! But this Project 2025 is some absolutely frightening shit. And it’s all about expanding republican powers and authority. You think that our paranoia about people being murdered in the streets and mass imprisonment and public executions aren’t warranted? Well I got some news for ya, Jack. If Trump wins, the United States will be entering uncharted territory. Trump will claim himself to be dictator for life, and he will be expanding the power and authority of the republican party to rule the country with an iron fist. That’s authoritarianism. And authoritarian dictatorships – wait for it – aren’t good.





Yes, this is the stuff of pure fucking evil. You know, the MAGA / Q crowd sure loves to talk a good game about things like martial law and military tribunals. But just wait until they put these things into practice, none of these things are good! We’ve fought entire wars to prevent shit like this from happening in the United States. And using AI to vet potential candidates is some absolutely frightening, third world dictator shit there. In case you’re wondering who’s behind this evil project, the people who are behind it are the people who you wouldn’t trust to run a Waffle House, let alone the White House. In fact let’s pull back their masks and see who’s really behind it! Steve Bannon???? And he would have got away with it too if it weren’t for those meddling liberals!






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[font size="8"]The End Of The SAG AFTRA Strike
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Enough bad shit, can we talk about something good that happened for once? We don’t want you to think that our fine little program is all about negativity, no sir / madam! Well here we are. It’s been one long and incredibly frustrating year of labor disputes and it seems like it is one after another after another. We’ve been covering the SAG and WGA strikes for the better part of a year now, and now that they’re finally over, we have to ask – was it really worth it? The answer is most definitely yes. The good guys won on multiple levels. But the thing you probably don’t want to hear is that this most definitely isn’t the last time we’ll hear of Hollywood’s billionaire elite speaking of using artificial intelligence and streaming services to craft entertainment for new generations. Because – wait for it – hiring actors and actresses and directors and writers and key grips – is expensive. And it’s not good for the bottom line of the greedy billionaire CEO. Why don’t we cut *THEIR* salaries and give them to the people who need it? Then nothing of value would be lost! I’m getting ahead of myself! But that said, this is a very historic strike and a very historic agreement. So what happens after the seemingly never ending set of strikes finally ends?





Yeah how about that? But like we said, don’t settle down too quickly. This isn’t the last we’ve heard of AI and streaming being a problem for actors, actresses, directors, set, prop and costume people.. all of these are required to make the movies and TV shows that you and I enjoy on a daily basis. So now you might be wondering – how did they reach this conclusion? Well they sat down with our billionaire overlords to talk about the future of movies. Yes, as we have said before, our paranoia is real when we say that Skynet will eventually become self-aware and enslave humanity. But let’s celebrate that the WGA strike is over, and the SAG strike is over!





So now that the strikes are over, can we get back to making some movies and TV shows? And come on, can we get some original content too? I’m personally tired of sequels and remakes and reboots and connected universes. How about something we haven’t seen? How about some new franchises and new characters? It’s way past time. But before we get to that, here’s what the actors and actresses are getting out of the deal while we had to sit through nearly a year of no content being produced. Nobody said that coming out of a world ending pandemic was going to be easy!





Yeah thankfully we’re avoiding that going on any longer! But is the SAG / AFTRA strike getting the happy ending (phrasing!) that it deserves? Thank you Archer. Actual actors and actresses are happy with most of the provisions in the strike, but not all of them are. And remember what we said about this not being the last of hearing about movies and TV shows being made with AI to please our billionaire overlords? It is true – we haven’t heard the last of it. In fact, while we are celebrating the end of the SAG / AFTRA strike, the war over creative freedom in Hollywood is just beginning. Get ready for next year’s sequel, then the reboot, then the remake!






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Is Your Car Spying On You?
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It's time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



Automotive technology is the most advanced that it’s been since the invention of the automobile. Now 100 years later, cars sport things like advanced navigation systems that run on Google and Apple operating systems. In the future, this technology will be powered by artificial intelligence. But with advanced technology comes a price. And it’s something that you may not want to hear after purchasing your brand new vehicle. Is that sometimes your navigation system may be too advanced. And with advanced technology comes new ways to track your movements while you are using your new vehicle to get to your destination. And the people who own and operate those navigation systems that are in your car may in fact be spying on you. To which we ask this question – is it 2023? Your electronics most likely have tracking sensors and monitors on them. All so that Google and Apple can figure out various ways to inject more Progressive and State Farm insurance advertisements into your every day activity. As if we need more of those. So you might be wondering – if your smart car is spying on you, what kind of data is it collecting? Well the answer is that it’s collecting a lot of data on you, and you will most likely be horrified at what it’s collecting.





Yeah as if it wasn’t obvious enough, if you’re putting your name, location data, and face out there, that you should probably expect at this point that someone is going to be tracking you. But what’s even more shocking is how much tracking data is in your car after you get past the surface. And not just one manufacturer in particular is guilty of this practice. A recent study conducted by Mozilla, you know them as the creators and supporters of the popular Firefox web browser, found that not just one manufacturer is guilty – but they all are! Doesn’t matter if it’s Honda or Subaru or Mitsubishi or Mercedes or BMW, nearly all cars have some sort of built in spyware.





But here’s the thing – like most pieces of electronic equipment or anything that’s connected to the internet, your car probably comes with a terms of service agreement, that you most likely didn’t read, crumbled up, and threw away in the trash. But if you had read it, you’d see that it probably says that the operating system of your navigation unit may be collecting and transmitting data to marketing parties without your consent. Again, probably because we are lacking Progressive and State Farm insurance commercials in our lives. And they probably make these terms agreemens to long in hopes that we don’t read them, because if we did, we’d opt out immediately.





So in case you’re wondering if your car is spying on you now, there’s two questions that you should ask yourself. The first question is – does my car have a navigation system? And two – does my car have satellite radio? If you answered yes to both of these questions, the answer is simple – your car is spying on you. Now you might be asking yourself – how do we fight back against the data collectors, and what kind of data are they collecting on me? Well you’re in luck because there is a group out there that launched a new site dedicated to helping consumers keep track of the data that’s being collected on them and from predatory collecting agencies. But the next time, we should all collectively read the terms of service agreements and opt out wherever possible.





That’s it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day.




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know the last couple of weeks we’ve been following the bizarre saga surrounding Louisiana’s Mike Johnson. Yes, he was once an unknown representative in Congress. Now he’s the new House Speaker and third in line for the Presidency Of The United States, and I don’t need to tell you that he’s given us no shortage of material for the next several editions of our fine program. For Mr. Johnson does not represent GAWD or JAYSUS. No! he represents the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! I say DARE NOT, good sir! But after last week’s sermon, we got absolutely flooded with requests to do a deep dive on the subject of this week’s sermon. Snooping. Is it OK to? So we turn to our Good Book for this one, and it does say thou shalt not snoop. OK maybe not in those exact words, but you know what I am saying. But this is one of the more bizarre aspects of the man who is now third in line for the United States presidency. And while we do want to say we’re shocked about this kind of thing, it’s not really that shocking. We know that fundamentalist Christians are prone to exercising their sexual urges, and we know they can easily give into temptation. And our man Mike Johnson isn’t much different from any of us. But he does have an interesting quirk.





Yeah now this represents a rather interesting phenomenon that ONLY seems to affect Christian men. So remember what I said about giving into temptation? They seem to be doing that, but on a rather regular basis. Like seriously how perverted are you that you can’t look at your phone for five minutes without wanting to venture into looking at porn that you need a software app that essentially acts as the angel on your shoulder? Well in this case, there’s also the devil, but the devil pimp slapped the angel Will Smith style and sent him packing. The interesting thing about this app is that it’s marketed directly to Mike Johnson types.





Now look, we don’t mean to kink shame, but whatever floats your boat, am I right? To me what’s really insane is that Christian males get off (phrasing!) on this kind of thing. But one thing we did discover in doing our research for this segment is that Covenant Eyes apparently has a fan base. He’s got coooooooooooovenant eyes… yes he’s coooooooooooooovenant eyes… OK I’ll refrain from singing that song any further. But the thing that we’re wondering about all of this is – of all the people who you could choose to be your porno accountability partner, why do you choose your dad? That just opens up all sorts of creepy and weird vibes.





Yeah I’ll say! But again, we don’t mean to kink shame, but this software is insane. And we mentioned earlier that it has celebrity fans like Josh Duggar and Lamar Odom, and we all know how well that worked out for them. Did I mention that this man is third in line for the presidency? We could spend all day talking about this, and we will, don’t you worry! In fact, we may have to do a deep dive on the subject in the future, because there’s a lot of these Christian accountability apps and they all have jobs, and their job is to keep you safe… from yourself. And your manly urges and temptations. Do not be afraid to give in, give in!!!



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So there is a devil among us, and that devil is you! You are your own devil according to the newly unfolding Christian spyware industry! Give in to temptation, my fair congregation! Give in! You only live once! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]People Who Somehow Got Elected: Jeff Landry
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Politicians at the state and local levels who are so toxic, you wonder how they’re able to get away with the things they get away with. This is:



This week – Jeff Landry. We’re not going to say he’s the newly elected governor of Louisiana. No, he was selected, promoted, and installed by Fox News because they just take things that do not belong to them, much like the common schoolyard bullies that they are. Yes, this MAGA approved cretin is just another one in the very long list of extremely terrible politicians who were installed by Fox News into positions of power that they don’t belong in. Now he’s not the official governor of Louisiana yet, that position still belongs to Jon Bel Edwards, even though he can’t run again. But while democrats are looking at what went wrong, we should explain how Jeff Landry slimed his way into the Louisiana governor’s office and it was absolutely shocking how he won. Louisana has a very different method of selecting governors than a lot of the United States does. And Jeff Landry was able to get MAGA, GOP, and of course Fox News support in his victory over democratic candidate Shawn Wilson. And yes, he also has the support of that guy who we inexplicably used to call president.





Yes – BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! You won, you suck, now get on with it. But this is definitely sounding alarms within the Democratic party. No matter how much we want to admit it, there’s more to the Bayou State than just the city of New Orleans. And it’s also a testimony to how many people just simply do not vote. And in case you’re wondering what his policies are, they very heavily skewer towards extreme MAGA. In fact they’re bordering on just straight, pure fucking evil. One of his more controversial opinions centers around denying funding for Louisiana’s crippling water infrastructure unless women are prosecuted for abortions. That’s right – he’s punishing the rest of the state for a very small percentage of the population.





Oh and that’s not the only extremely evil position that Mr. Landry is taking. In fact most of these are designed to please his Fox News overlords. After all, he doesn’t want his regional manager Sean Hannity to come down there and give him a pep talk, would we? No, we wouldn’t. And in fact, as Florida and much of the Gulf Coast is getting pounded by extremely strong hurricanes that seem to get progressively worse every year, rather than combat the problem, Mr. Landry is going to shut down the one agency that’s actually trying to help things. So really, Louisiana GOP, any tragedy that results because of your gross negligence is entirely self- inflicted.





Come on, Louisiana, and especially the city of New Orleans. You saw the horrors of republican negligence during the dark days after Hurricane Katrina practically destroyed the city. Do you want to live through that again? Well we all know that none of us wants that. But that’s what you get when you elect far right MAGA cretins like Jeff Landry. In fact he’s using his transition into the governor’s office to signal out the city known as the Big Easy. And why? It’s all because of Fox News generated culture war bullshit. So yes, once again, a MAGA conservative is taking his frustrations out on the state’s most populous city. Be forewarned, Louisiana, this guy is bad news. And fuck you, Fox News, for forcing and installing this MAGA psycho on us.





That’s the new Fox News improved, anti-environment, anti-woman governor elect Jeff Landry, yet another toxic politician to add to the ever-growing list of:




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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. Ah, there we go! They are trying to read yours and my thoughts after all! This week, we all have ways of dealing with people who we don’t like, or people who don’t share your particular political beliefs. Well, this week, our old friend and frequent contributor to this segment, Marjorie Three Names (Q – Batshit) is taking those ways to some new and completely and utterly ridiculous streams. Well of course the Fox News “border crisis” continues to dominate the right wing echo chamber, but the rest of us who aren’t in the echo chamber simply don’t give a shit. Well, Marjorie has a plan here, and we’ll expand on this in a minute.





Uh…………….. fucking what???? What the hell is she talking about here? What the hell is she smoking and it must be some pretty strong shit! Also interesting use of the word “henchman” here. Turn off the hyperbole, Marjorie. If anything, you’re the henchman here. Nothing Trump or his goons and minions are doing is normal, and you’re one of his enablers. You’re the Harley Quinn to Trump’s Joker – a professional ass kisser and clown who does things hoping he’ll notice, but he’ll throw you under the bus because he doesn’t care. But apparently there is an obscure rule that would allow this to happen in the event it actually passes.





How about this – why don’t *WE* slash Marjorie Greene, Lauren Boebert, and Matt Gaetz’ salaries to $1, and then take away their social media accounts and access to Steve Bannon, Sean Hannity, and Alex Jones? Then nothing of value would be lost! Thank you audience! But the fact of the matter is that the GOP just won’t let their inane and banal conspiracy theory bullshit go. You know what’s too much though? Is how much time these clowns spend on social media and right wing talk shows. Then they go and complain that the democrats aren’t doing their jobs. It’s the circle of shit and it screws us all!





Once again, we don’t know why we have to keep saying this, but we will repeat it until we’re blue in the face – Fox News is the reason why we can’t have nice things. This whole thing is totally unprecedented and it’s just flat out fucking bullying. Marjorie just got into office because she bullied and threatened to murder the other guy. And now this shit is not only in Congress, it’s tolerated by MAGAs. Hell it’s not just a bug, it’s a feature! Well in case you’re wondering, there is some good news in Congress as the MAGAs and Marjorie Shit For Brains are just flagrantly abusing their power. Move along, nothing to see here. It’s all about the right asserting their dominance and quest for absolute, authoritarian power, and that’s it.






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
[br] [/font] [br]

Hit it!



Of course you know by now that people are people, and people are dumb. And before we go any further, we always have to start by clarifying just what exactly makes a People Are Dumb story. A guy robbing a bank? That’s not a People Are Dumb story. A guy robbing a bank and then posting about buying a BMW on social media with the money he stole? That’s a People Are Dumb story! And also for the sake of privacy, we’re omitting any real names and addresses used in the stories that we bring you this week. I want to start with this insane story out of Alabama. We’ve been part of the group that’s been wondering how confederate statues are still a thing in 2023. Well, one man went out of his way to steal a relic that was going to be destroyed and well, his plans for it I’m sure were not what they had in mind when they first built these statues. Like really your plan was to convert this statue into a usable toilet? And you’d accomplish this how, exactly? I have so many questions!





Next up – OK look, we love Halloween around here, as you can tell from our last Halloween spooktacular edition (see: Idiots #15-11 ). Well I can kind of get where this next guy is coming from, but at the same time, how do I put this? They probably should have at least seen what the hell is going on. It’s Halloween, I get it – there’s going to be decorations of skeletons and zombies everywhere. But maybe don’t, I don’t know, mow around a dead body that you think is a Halloween prop. Yeah this is a thing that happened, it’s like a scene from the movies where a guy is totally oblivious to what’s going on in the background.





Next up – you know one thing we always say around here is that conservative idiocy isn’t just a problem that’s unique to the United States. Even though we’re US based and from Southern California and we see it first hand on a daily basis. It’s a global problem – there’s idiots everywhere! This story comes out of Warsaw, that’s in Poland, don’t you know? And this story – you know you see those movies with chase scenes and some guy gets beat up and then they walk out wearing the beat up guys’ clothes? So this is kind of like that, but this guy was posing as a mannequin in an attempt to rob a store, and well, got caught as you can imagine. Yeah that’s a People Are Dumb story!





Next up – you know of course we can’t get out of here without mentioning everyone’s favorite state – you know which one I’m talking about! I am of course talking about the Sunshine State. America’s wang or penis depending on which show you’re referring to. Florida! Hell if you missed last week, we brought you the tale of the upcoming Florida Man Games where you can live like Florida Man without fear of getting arrested (see: Idiots #15-12 ), and it’s insane. Well here’s another story of what happens when people take the concept of Halloween way too far, and maybe don’t dress like a marbled statue for your costume. Also, maybe don’t impersonate an FBI officer for your costume, either.





Finally this week – and before we go any further, I want to especially thank our good friends over at r/FloridaMan over on Reddit for the source for a lot of the Florida Man stories that we bring you every week. But this story comes out of Miami-Dade County, where a man who has been immersed in online conspiracy theories takes his beliefs just a bit too far. But even if you’re being exposed to secret government rays, maybe don’t take your frustrations out on others. It’s one thing to wear your tin foil hat with pride, it’s another to start destroying property because the voices in your head (or late night right wing talk radio) start telling you to. Holy crap do we live in some absolutely strange times.





That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]My Governor Is An Idiot Round 6: Beshear Vs Ivey
[br] [/font] [br]


Welcome back to our segment that pits red state governors against blue state governors in My Governor Is An Idiot! In the last couple of weeks, we’ve pitted Arizona’s fake governor against its’ real one, and last week, we pit Texas’ Greg Abbott against Illinois’ JB Pritzker. This week, we’re heading to the South where Kentucky governor Andy Beshear, who survived reelection, is taking on Alabama’s Fox News installed governor Kay Ivey! Alabama may have the Crimson Tide, but Kentucky has the Wildcats, and both universities are pretty consistent sports rivals! So who will come out on top? Will we be rolling the tide or will we be singing some bluegrass? Only one way to find out!

[font size="4"]Beshear:[/font]

You know, Kentucky gets a lot of crap for traditionally being a red state, but really they’re more purple than you could possibly imagine. We’ve been to Lexington, home of the University Of Kentucky, and we’ve been to Louisville, home to the University of Louisville, and the audience pretty much in both cities consists of rednecks and rocket scientists. How did Governor Beshear triumph over all in last week’s reelection despite that the odds were heavily stacked against him? Well Beshear ran on a good old fashioned GOTV campaign, and guess what? That worked!





And hey look people, can we PLEASE, for the love of every single god in the book, stop with the X person is going to run for president bullshit? Come on, we can’t even get our heads straight on the current forthcoming election. Let’s get this one settled before we start speculating on the next one. And seriously, anything can happen, for better, or for worse. And we’re seriously hoping for the better, because we can’t take another four years of Vladimir Putin and Fox News being Trump’s puppet master, we just can’t. Stories like this certainly aren’t helping things. But for now, congrats Gov. Beshear!





[font size="4"]Ivey: [/font]

Alabama has been in the news a lot lately because of some serious gerrymandering going on in that state – republicans have rigged multiple elections this way and they’re trying to rig them again for 2024, but it doesn’t matter because the GOP and Fox have a strangehold on that state. And Kay Ivey is a true product of Fox News because her woke derangement syndrome is showing. Remember when we made fun of Sarah Sanders for banning “woke” language? Well Kay Ivey seems to be one-upping this game, and once again, it just proves why Fox News is the reason why we can’t have nice things in this country, because we’re fighting over this stupid bullshit.





Yeah seriously, once again this proves that republican right wing propaganda is a drug that has destroyed more minds than any amount of crack, coke, heroin, meth, fentanyl, or LSD ever would or could. And by the way, you know how the Simpsons always predicts things first? Remember the episode where the PTA goes on strike, and then at the end of the episode, Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel realize that they could make money when they converted part of Springfield Elementary into a federal prison? Well it certainly seems like things are heading that way in the Crimson Tide State.





[font size="4"]And The Idiot Is: [/font]

It’s easily Kay Ivey in this contest. No question!

[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

When we come back on the 30th, for round 7, we’re heading to the Central US where Iowa’s Kim Reynolds is going to take on Minnesota’s Tim Walz!


[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard [/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest just announced a massive 58 city tour going through the next year, there’s too many dates to name. Their latest album is called Petrodragonic Apocalypse, Or: Dawn Of Eternal Night & The Beginning Of Merciless Damnation. Playing their song Gila Monster, give it up for King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard!



Thank you Vegas! Thanks to the MGM for hosting us, we had a lot of fun, we’ll be back soon! We’re taking a short break next week for Thanksgiving, we’ll be back on Thursday, 11/30 with a brand new edition live from Oxnard! Also, don’t forget – episode 3 of Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons coming this Sunday 11/19 at 2:00 PM!

See you in two weeks! Happy Thanksgiving!

Credits

Host: Initech
King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard Appear Courtesy Of: KGLW Inc.
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: Brad Garrett’s Comedy Club at the MGM Grand, Las Vegas, NV
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Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

November 9, 2023

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #15-12: Look At What You Made Me Do Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #15-12: Look At What You Made Me Do Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yoooooooooooooooo! What’s up Nashivlle? How you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! Can you believe that we just have 4 more editions before we close out this batshit crazy year that was 2023? I know, it seems like once we hit October, things just started flying. You know we’ve been getting a lot of questions about the future of the Top 10 and we need to address that right now. As we’ve stated before, we don’t know what 2024 is going to bring as everything is up in the air. And I know it’s an election year. It may be one of the most important presidential elections this century because it will decide if America sides with freedom or they side with Fox News authoritarianism. But the truth is, we don’t know. We hope to stay on at least through the 2024 election, but other factors may determine our longevity. Don’t worry, we’ll keep you in the loop for when the time comes! For now, rest assured that we’re renewed for Season 17. Do we have time for the thing? Of course we do. First off, congratulations to the Texas Rangers for winning their first title in franchise history. Arizona Diamondbacks, you almost won and you can rest assured that your championship gear will go to clothe starving children in Tanzania. That never gets old. So if you grew up in the mid 90s / 00s, you are probably familiar with a band called Creed. You know that we love music, and we’ve featured Mark Tremonti’s other band Alter Bridge, a fan favorite of ours, on this program multiple times. But while some teams adopt songs, like the Angels have the Train song “Calling All Angels”, or the Ducks have the Pennywise classic “Bro Hymn”, or the Red Sox have Billy Joel’s “Sweet Caroline”, the Texas Rangers have adopted Creed’s song “Higher” as their anthem. That’s right – the Rangers have credited singing Higher before every game in the locker room as one of their inspirations for their World Series win. Like really? You picked a song by this guy as your theme song? That’s the inspiration. Well I guess it’s not Limp Bizkit’s Rollin’. Yeah I’ll just pull a random Nu-metal track out! Thank you sir! OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to this week. But first John Oliver is back and he outlines America’s abortion crisis and no matter how bad you think it is, it’s that much worse:



So where do we begin this week? Well after the last time we met, we selected a new Speaker Of The House for the United States. Since then we’re learning more about Louisiana’s Mike Johnson (1), the man who is now THIRD IN LINE to be President Of The United States. And he’s a MAGA fundamentalist nightmare… or is he Fox News’ test market to see how far they can go in bringing authoritarianism to the US? Little column A, little column B. In the second slot this week, yes, we have to talk about the terrible tragedy that unfolded in Maine right as we went to air last week. But the latest mass shooter, Robert Carn (2), is yet another right wing, white wing terrorist who was radicalized by Fox News and mutated on the dark corners of the internet. Absolutely shocking, I know. In the third slot this week is Donald Trump Jr (3). Yes, the Trump Trial Clusterfuck, as we’ve been calling it around our home offices in Santa Ana, is underway, and the latest developments are insane. In fact Trump Jr has been, unsurprisingly, throwing his own brother under the bus. Dowe really need these assholes running the country another four years? Hell no! In the number 4 slot, this week is Bud Light (4). Yes, the former favorite beer of the MAGA conservatives is attempting to pick up the pieces from the Kid Rock led MAGA boycott back in June by courting another MAGA favorite institution, UFC, but it’s having the opposite effect it was intended! MAGA really knows how to hold a grudge, if anything. In the number 5 slot this week is the return of our award winning investigative journalism segment, Top 10 Investigates (5), and this week we take a look at the world of Supercommuting. Living in the Zoom world has opened up whole new possibilities of employment opportunities. Can one live in Iowa and commute to San Francisco? It’s possible but it’s having horrible effects on the environment! In the number 6 slot this week is our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and this week, our resident pastor is going to take a good look at the efforts to scrub the more extremist beliefs of our new Fox News selected House speaker Mike Johnson (6) and it’s about as extreme as you could get! In the number 7 slot this week, is a new This Fucking Guy (7). And this week, we have to talk about the guy who could be Argentina’s next president, Javier Milei. Holy shit is this guy crazy. In fact he makes Trump seem normal by comparison! Oh how our standards for leaders have fallen significantly. In the number 8 slot this week is our weekly venture into the never-ending void of online tin foil hat nuttery in Conspiracy Corner (8) and this week, our old buddy Elon Musk was interviewed on the Joe Rogan podcast, and it is quite the stuff of insanity. Think Tracy Jordan’s interview on Larry King from 30 Rock level of crazy! In the number 9 (NEIN!!!!) slot this week is a new I Need A Drink (9), and we’ve talked a lot of shit about Florida over the years, but have you ever wondered what it’s like to live like Florida Man for the curious? Well, the Florida Man games are just the escape from reality we desperately need in these trying times! Finally this week, it’s time for the ongoing battle between red state governors and blue state governors in My Governor Is An Idiot (10)! And this week, we’re putting one of the reddest, MAGA, Fox News installed governors in the country, Texas’ Greg Abbott, against Illionis’ J.B. Pritzker, the governor of the state that gun toting conspiracy theorists love to shit on! Plus to close things out, we have the legendary Devo stopping by! Go catch them on their farewell tour or you are no friend of this program! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Mike Johnson
[br] [/font] [br]

So the day before we went live last week, we finally learned who the next Speaker Of The House was going to be, after the MAGA toddlers, led by Matt Gaetz, threw a gargantuan sized temper tantrum and fired Kevin McCarthy – first time since the Civil War that that’s happened. And we call them toddlers because nobody throws shit fits and temper tantrums the way that the Trump loving MAGA crowd does, and they all sound like him too. But that’s neither here nor there. Now that we know more about the new speaker, MAGA Mike Johnson, yeah, it should be painfully obvious that the House is under the control of Fox News and MAGA extremists. And don’t worry, we’ll get to some of his more extremist views in a minute. But one thing is for certain – we know that MAGA Mike isn’t a fan of abortion by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, he sides with the cult on this one. And the absolutely scary thing about this is that this guy is THIRD IN LINE FOR THE PRESIDENCY OF THE UNITED STATES. Let that one sink in.





Oh shut up! I mean come on, when MAGA people talk 24 hours a day, and sometimes I think they talk just to hear themselves talk, and when you do that, you tend to forget whatever batshit crazy thing you just said, and the thing before that too. Oh and you think his views on abortion were extreme? Just wait until you hear his views on social security and medicare. I mean come on, this guy is an authoritarian wet dream here. And like we keep saying here, he and the MAGA crowd don’t represent the United States. They represent their call-in talk shows. Trust us when we say that we went down the wormhole on MAGA Mike and it gets that much worse!





Yeah “suck” doesn’t even begin to describe it. This guy is an authoritarian nightmare, which makes him perfect to be Sean Hannity’s stooge. Hell we weren’t surprised in the least when it wasn’t even 24 hours after the selection was confirmed that he gave his first interview as Speaker where? On the Sean Hannity show. Fuck you Fox News, you don’t own the government no matter how much you like to think that you do! And it seems that Speaker Johnson has already forgotten some of the key parts of the Bible, which leads us to question whether or not he’s actually ready any of it in the first place. We’re guessing the answer is probably no.





There is one hope though, is that since becoming speaker, is that MAGA Mike’s ultra extremist religious views are grossly unpopular. Hell, he’s practically given us enough material for the next 100 editions of Holy Shit. But we’ve got to work to start firing these extremist MAGA lunatics and send the message to Sean Hannity and Fox News that they are not the boss of the government, and that Congress isn’t entertainment fodder for the obviously entertainment deprived Fox News base. The sad thing though is that we may be in this for the long haul. We can only take things one election at a time though and hopefully we’ll get out of this mess for good.



?


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[font size="8"]The Maine Shooter
[br] [/font] [br] B
Sigh… another week, another mass shooting. I know that the Maine shooting is old news, but it happened as we went live for the last edition, and we took a week off after that. But we have to talk about it, because it’s been happening and it keeps happening, no matter how much the gun nuts and the NRA try to deny it. We’ve been in this vicious circle for 15 years now. However, last week’s terrible tragedy in Maine reminded us of one thing. Nearly all of the major mass shooters in the last 15 years have all had one thing in common. And that thing is that they were all radicalized by Fox News and radical far right wing internet propaganda. I will say that Alex Jones, even though he’s one of the biggest pieces of shit in America right now, may be the world’s greatest gun salesman. Every time there’s a mass shooting, he whips his base into a needless frenzy and sells more guns and helps get more gun laws passed so people who shouldn’t have guns in the first place are allowed easier access. I’m not even counting the upcoming SCOTUS trial NY Rifle & Pistol Assoc. vs Bruen, that would decide if domestic abusers can own firearms, we’ll get to that one when the ruling does happen. But for now we do have to point this out.





That’s just it – it’s not just a small sample size. It’s 100%. Every single mass shooter in the last five years have all had one thing in common: they were heavily brainwashed by right wing hate propaganda. it’s the one thing all these have in common. The shooter in Buffalo last year literally cited Tucker Carlson’s controversial and racist “great replacement theory” as a reason why he did it. Kyle Rittenhouse too, was radicalized by propaganda. You could name any one of them and chances are they were. Carn followed a whole bunch of right wing accounts on Twitter – that Elon let back on after he bought Twitter, and Elon deleted Carn’s account! Yeah BOOOOOOOOOO!!! Here’s the other thing all of these mass shootings have in common:





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! That’s the other thing they have in common – the guns were all bought LEGALLY. People are legally allowed to own these killing machines. And every single time the 2A absolutionists make up bullshit as to why they shouldn’t be banned. The cycle goes like this: 1. Mass shooting happens. 2. Every finger is pointed at the reason why it happens but the obvious. 3. Right wing talk show hosts make up excuse after excuse as to why guns shouldn’t be banned. 4. Right wing legislators get into the classic circular firing squad argument and wind up loosening restrictions so the people who shouldn’t have guns can buy them. Lather, rinse, repeat. It’s the circle of death and it screws us all! So who are right wingers blaming for this one? The FBI. Fuck, this is why we can’t have nice things.





Yeah so the right wing conspiracy theory propaganda machine is going into overdrive because once again, the shooter is one of their own. And once again, they’re doing everything they can to protect their guns over the lives of the people who were shot with said guns. Look, we’re all upset by this latest tragedy that could have easily been prevented. I know that I am. But if you’re wondering if our new speaker is going to make things any better, oh I got news for you. He’s going to make things so much worse, because he works for right wing talk show hosts. Get ready for the next one - it’s been 8 0 days since a mass shooting. Thanks, NRA and right wing talk show hosts!






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[font size="8"]The Trump Trial Clusterfuck
[br] [/font] [br]

Does anyone remember that brief period after January 6th when Trump was banned from social media and we didn’t have to hear every stupid, shitty thing that came out of his hateful, spiteful, and certainly evil mouth? Oh man do I miss those times. We’ve been calling this the “Trump Trial Clusterfuck” because calling it a clusterfuck certainly doesn’t even begin to describe the insanity going on. In fact we’re titling today’s episode “Look What You Made Me Do”. That’s right, we had to use a Taylor Swift reference because that’s the only thing that might draw attention away from the insanity that’s been unfolding day after day! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha… yeah that’s a great way to ruin an album cover isn’t it? But this has to be my favorite part of the entire testimony – Ivanka Trump said that she couldn’t commit to testifying in the trial because it was – and I’m quoting – a school day. Come on, this is coming from a woman who hasn’t worked a real job in years, and Trump University doesn’t exactly count as a school.





Gee… ya think? Like anyone with the last name Trump would ever know the meaning of the word “hardship” or having to deal with the kids on a school night… in an actual school in an actual district, not in millionaire fantasy land. Shut the fuck up! The Trump trial has been going on the last two years and it’s not ending anytime soon. And the longer it goes on, the weirder it gets! Hell, last week, we brought you the story of Eric and Trump Jr basically shit-talking each other ON THE STAND. And like we keep saying, there is ALWAYS an excuse with these fuckers. ALWAYS. Like whatever you think the answer is going to be, they always come up with the opposite.





Oh fuck off, Ivanka, like you’ve ever had to lift a finger raising your kids. Wake me up when you put them on a school bus and they have to attend a school like Springfield Elementary like the rest of us have had to. But this is what I’m loving about watching the trainwreck and clusterfuck unfold, and it is a trainwreck, because you don’t want to watch, but you can’t look away. The thing you have to know about Trump is two things. The first is that he does not shut the fuck up. The second thing is, he’s producing clones and copycats, like Marjorie Shit For Brains, for instance. So the fact that he’s not shutting up during a gag order doesn’t surprise us in the least.





Yes, that is a good point sir! Us, personally, we’ve been following this shit show for 7 years now and quite frankly, we will be celebrating like our team just won the World Series if he ever winds up setting foot in a jail cell. And come on, at the very least, take away his social media accounts. Shit, at this point, I’d even settle for someone turning off his caps lock key. Yeah seriously, it’s like he’s yelling at us through the screen. But, my fair audience, the one thing is perfectly clear – the longer this trial goes on, the longer it paints a party that’s out for blood and absolute power. And we cannot under any circumstances, allow them to worm their way back into the White House.






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[font size="8"]Bud Light
[br] [/font] [br]

You know…. You know, is this really the way that you want to pick up pieces after one of the biggest corporate PR blunders in American history? I’m of course talking about the Bud Light boycott back in June that was instigated by Kid Rock over Bud Light’s decision to simply expand their customer base and extend an olive branch to the trans community by partnering with trans influencer Dylan Mulvaney. And for those of you who were following, it backfired on them spectacularly, and other corporations are going out of their way to not double cross the MAGA world, like this Ford F-350 commercial:



So yeah you’re the most hard working manliest man who’s ever manned and you want to come home after a hard day of moving rocks… or whatever you do with a Ford F-350, and you want to crack open a couple of cold ones after a hard day. What do you reach for? Well, so Bud Light is attempting to pick up the pieces from that failed PR disaster and partner with… UFC. Come on, do we really need to point out what huge pieces of shit Joe Rogan and Dana White are? Yeah well… this happened. And if there’s one thing that the MAGAs know, it’s how to hold a grudge.





Yeah so if there’s one thing we’ve learned about boycotts over the years – and the boycotts instigated from MAGA / Fox News viewers, is that if you don’t want your brand to be tanked, don’t partner with a brand that’s already been tanked. Bud Light already has a lot of negative clout in the MAGA community, so partnering with them isn’t going to exactly change anyone’s minds on the subject. These people’s minds have already been warped. So the question on the table is – can UFC be the saving grace that Bud Light needs to get back into the minds and wallets of the MAGA community or will it just lead to further disaster? We’re guessing it will be the latter.





Yeah so the deal is worth a lot of money, but can they actually convert the non-believers to their cause this time around? The answer is probably going to be NO. And in fact, let’s not point out that Bud Light was replaced with another In Bev brand – Modelo, so In Bev really isn’t losing any money and/or sleep over the MAGA boycott. It’s pretty much like any other boycott – you just replace one vice with another vice. And even actual MMA fighters are frothing at the mouth angry over the deal. So yeah once again, this is an example of a boycott within a boycott within a boycott – Boycott-ception? And can one really boycott their own employers? Eh no.





Yes, MAGAs! Let the hate flow through you! Your hate has made you powerful. Except it hasn’t, that only works in Star Wars. The funny thing about all of this is conservatives say we’re the triggered ones in this equation. Hell no! We’re not the ones destroying property and looting stores because a brand partnered with a trans woman to… *checks notes*… sell more beer. Saying that the MAGAs expressed classy , adult behavior in these boycotts is… well, it’s the opposite of what they actually did. Shit, if I was a brand and they did this to me, I wouldn’t want to try and win back these people as customers. But it’s all about that sweet, sweet profit.






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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: What Is Supercommuting?
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It's time to investigate beyond the headlines! This is Top 10 Investigates!



Before COVID-19, people used to complain about the day-in, day-out banal minutiae of commuting to and from a job. You’d get in your car, truck or SUV and spend hours upon hours stuck on the freeways in the downtown areas. You’d probably even throw on your local morning zoo crew radio show just to make the time go faster. Now that’s all changed. Living in the Zoom world has opened up a whole new can of beans in the world of commuting: Super Commuting! Yes, is it possible for one to live in low-rent Des Moine, Iowa and commute to high rent San Francisco once a week? Well, the answer is yes. In fact, here’s a perfect example of what we are talking about. A summer intern living in Charleston, South Carolina, commutes to New York City once a week to attend mandatory in-person meetings and spends the rest of the time in Charleston on Zoom. Is it worth it to save that much money? Well , the answer is yes, but with a trade-off.





Ah yes, Homer Simpson was most definitely ahead of his time! So yes, you save a ton of money and a ton of time wasted being spent on the road. But the question is… is it worth it? Despite the enormous cost to the environment… the answer is a big… maybe. So if you were to do a poll of some of the biggest super commuters in the country, some would probably tell you that it’s worth it, and others would tell you that it’s not. But even the police and fire fighters of San Francisco are engaging in the act of super commuting because living in San Francisco and paying some of the highest rent in the country – and possibly the world - that definitely isn’t worth it.





Now with the worst part of COVID behind us, and most of the world’s major corporations are demanding a return to full time in-person work, is long term super commuting sustainable? It is a very complicated question, and one with very few answers. Most of it is to avoid the skyrocketing cost of rent in cities like Los Angeles, New York, Seattle, and San Francisco. In fact, one of the more extreme examples of super commuting is Boeing’s CEO David Calhoun. Who works at Boeing’s headquarters in Virginia, but commutes from two homes, one based in New Hampshire, and the other in South Carolina, and even he has his doubts about sustainability.





OK not all of us have billionaire CEO money and multiple homes in different states. OK that’s a bad example. But there is a warning. So the choices become – work from home or do you do the super commute or do you do just the regular boring commute that you knew in the pre-COVID times? So yes, vehicles may change, but the logic behind commutes hasn’t. So is the idea of commuting to the office via airlines and airports actually worth it? That entirely depends on what you do for a living, and it also entirely depends on how much you want to pay in rent.





That’s it for Top 10 Investigates. Good day!




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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know we live in some very trying times. Especially when there’s a hostile news network with authoritarian interests trying to take over every single branch of the US government. And last week, they got the hard lined Speaker Of The House that they always wanted after 19 days of not having one, the largest period in US history since the Civil War! Well we come now to our new hard lined authoritarian speaker Mike Johnson. And just like you, last week, I had the same question as everyone else: who the fuck is this guy? Well he’s now third in line for the presidency of the United States. And he’s a MAGA loyalist who unequivocally supports the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! But here’s the thing – you know you done fucked up when even members of your own religion say that you don’t represent them! Yes, there’s been a petition of over 12,000 American Christians that have said that MAGA Mike Johnson doesn’t represent them.





Ah, there in lies the conundrum, my fair congregation! See, you know the old saying is that the Devil is in the details, but in our Good Book, it says that JAYSUS once said that you should be NOT like the hypocrites who preach on street corners! Because the good LAWRD would not want that now would he, and in the eyes of GAWD, Mike Johnson is yet another in the long list of Christian hypocrites who claim to worship GAWD, but really they worship the unholy Dark One. Now here’s where it gets weird, and you knew that it was going to. Apparently Mrs. Johnson runs her own religious “consulting” firm, and you know the kind of religion that is. You all know, it’s the “do as I say, not as I do” variety. You know very well that your religion cannot coerce someone into making “the right choice”, we all know that’s 100% grade A, FDA certified bullshit!





Which that, I can assure you, my friends, it is most definitely NOT! But this hypocrisy surrounding our new Speaker is massively insane. And here’s the thing, Speaker Johnson, if you’re not prepared to be in the spotlight for any length of time, you’d better get used to it. You’re third in line for the presidency of the United States now! People are going to find out about your affairs and when they do, it’s not going to be pretty by any stretch of the imagination, no sir! In fact here’s one of his more extreme beliefs that could potentially backfire on him big time if enacted. Remember – NOWHERE in the United States Constitution does it say any of this!





Now we haven’t even got to the worst of it, yet! Oh no, not by a long shot, my fair congregation! So we’ve established that Mike Johnson is a MAGA religious bigot of the highest order. He does not abide by the Constitution or the Bible. In fact, he only serves his masters at News Corporation. But here’s the thing, you can’t defend extremism no matter how hard you try. It’s impossible. Even the MAGA Taliban extremists who put him into office are having a hard time defending the old school fire and brimstone version of Christianity that they so practice. The kind that made Speaker Johnson say those evil and horrible things! So yeah this is the internet, guys! There are no take backs!





Oh our quest to find out more hasn’t even begun, my friends! It’s just getting started! In fact we hope you’ll come back next week when we present you with a deep dive into the anti-porn spyware app that he and his son sue. It’s insane! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]This Fucking Guy: Javier Milei
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This week’s This Fucking Guy is Javier Milei. Now what’s our official mission statement around here? it’s not that conservative idiocy is a uniquely American problem. No, it’s a global problem, and conservatives ruin everything that they touch, everywhere. In case you haven’t heard, the country of Argentina is in a colossal, truly gargantuan mess. Like on the verge of a Great Depression mess. And who is the man who could potentially be Argentina’s next president? Javier Milei. Now in case you haven’t seen last week’s Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, you absolutely should. But here’s the thing, Argentina – you want real change in your country? And this is the guy you’re going with? A guy who wields chainsaws and own an army of cloned pugs? That’s your guy. Seriously, we really do live in the stupid timeline right now. We also can’t quite put our finger on it, but this election reeks of Steve Bannon meddling. But one thing we learned on our World Tour last year – when countries turn populist, that’s usually a sign that something really terrible is on the horizon.





Look, Argentina, we get your frustrations with inflation, OK? But it’s bad in Argentina, it’s bad in South America. It’s bad in the United States. It’s bad all over the world. Let’s think about this for a minute, though – it’s a simple supply and demand concept. Money is in extremely high demand there’s a short supply of it. And that’s mainly because a handful of people own most of the world’s wealth, and their wealth is only increasing. It’s the Elon Musks and Jeff Bezos and Richard Bransons of the world that are causing the trouble, and the sooner they all fuck off in their penis shaped rockets to deep space, the better off we’ll be. But until then, don’t fall for fascism, OK? We’ve been down that road here in the US and it’s not pretty.





Look, Argentina, we’ve been there! You don’t want an anti-hero to lead your country. We tried that, it didn’t work, and he tried to kill us when he didn’t get re-elected. You don’t want that in your country, not by a long shot! But if you really want to understand Milei’s hard-lined brand of fascist authoritarianism, don’t look to Miami. Look to Budapest instead. Another country that flipped populist because of economic problems and the rise of right wing and far right wing propaganda on social media, which is why we say this whole thing reeks of Steve Bannon meddling. There’s no doubt that all of this rise in authoritarianism around the world is connected.





Ha ha ha ha ha… that’s the appropriate reaction for this! But there is hope. Hope that can stop the authoritarian virus from spreading around the world. And it’s in the place that you’d lest expect to find it – Taylor Swift fans. And K-Pop fans. Yes, they have fans all over the world. You know what, we’ve been giving Taylor Swift a hard time lately because it seems like she’s constantly in the news. But she’s got the upper hand in our fight against fascism. And you know what? We take back everything that we said, because if we can stop fascism in Argentina and the US, we can stop it all around the world. This shit isn’t anything to fuck with!





That’s Argentina’s batshit crazy, chainsaw wielding, Trump loving, pug clone owning, authoritarian psychopath who could be the country’s next president, Javier Milei, this week’s:





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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. Ah, there we go! They are trying to read yours and my thoughts after all! I honestly don’t know what to think when we see interviews like this. I mean is it a cry for help or are they really that deranged and insane? I’m of course talking about the fact that our old buddy Elon Musk was interviewed on Joe Rogan for nearly 3 hours and it was quite the stuff of pure, unaltered insanity. But for the life of me, I can’t comprehend why someone would actually sit around and watch these two for that length of time. Especially in the day and age when it seems like everyone is on some kind of ADD medication. One of the biggest claims made in this clusterfuck of an interview is that Elon claims that he made the Twitter acquisition to save people from the “woke mind virus”. Well, Elon, it isn’t the Woke Mind Virus that’s eating your brain. But something definitely is.



Uh……. Fucking what??? I’ve been to San Fransisco, it’s a city that I visit very frequently. I have never heard or seen anything like this. Oh and this interview gets weirder and nuttier the more that you dig into it. Like remember that episode of 30 Rock where Tracy Jordan is being interviewed on the Larry King show and he just dives into straight conspiracy theories? Well it’s kind of like that. But this might be my favorite part of the interview – he made the absurd claim that the ventilators that people hooked up to during COVID were killing people. No, people were DYING because the virus was that strong. There’s a big, huge difference, there, E.





Then the subject went to NFTs. Which were something that the bitcoin / blockchain bros have been trying to force on us, and failed miserably at. So what went wrong there? Well of course if you’re listening to the Joe Rogan show, you probably figure that everything is a conspiracy. So why would anyone actually want to own something you can just right click and save to your hard drive? Well, again, they made the whole thing up. They set the rules. How are we supposed to say what’s coming to bite them back in the ass? Well, of course Elon goes there.





Look I’m a tech guy, but even I have no fucking clue what the hell they are talking about. Now here’s where the interview just goes off into batshit crazy, off the wall ridiculous territory. You know how Elon has been touting his ridiculous Cybertruck? Well, during the interview, he asked Joe Rogan to fire a bow and arrow at a prototype of the Cybertruck in order to prove that the armor on it is bulletproof. Wait, now I’m confused – what era is Elon living in? Some sort of weird post-apocalyptic sci fi world where people fire bows and arrows at each other in addition to sub machine guns? Where does that world even exist? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha… no, seriously, what the actual fuck?






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink: The Florida Man Games
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Hey everyone, I don’t know about you, but I could really use a drink!



So of course you know by now that the idea behind this segment is that we have some drinks, and while we are drinking, we talk about literally anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. There is a lot of really dark shit in the news right now, so the best thing to do is belly up to the bar, crack open a couple of cold ones, and escape from reality for a bit. Only rules we got in this bar – no fighting, no cussing, and no politics! Some mild cussing is allowed, as long as it’s never at someone. Only with. And don’t worry, my sober brothers and sisters, we got you covered too! Just grab a glass of your favorite coffee, tea, or energy drink and come get wired with us! This week, you know, we make fun of the Sunshine State a lot on this program. But you ever wonder what it’s like to actually live like a Floridian Man Or Woman? Well, now’s your chance! Tell me bartender, what goes well with a story about Florida Man? The Florida Man Cocktail? So what’s in that? It’s just a big jug of vodka, beer and fruit juices? With a side of meth? Are you trying to kill us or something? How about instead I’ll just take a giant mug of Stone IPA? I’ll change it up a bit! So the First Annual Florida Man Games are officially a thing, and it’s the weird, ultra redneck, escape from reality that we so desperately need right now!





Yeah so if you’re interested in participating in the First Annual Florida Man Games, head on over to your nearest Greyhound Bus station, pay $25, wait 12.5 hours, sit through about 15 stops, and you’ll eventually wind up in St. Augustine, the home of the Florida Gators, and come on, what Florida city is more appropriate than that, and you’ll be at the Florida Man Games! So what kind of games can you look forward to participating in? Well, as you can imagine, they’re exactly what you would expect and they’re ripped right out of today’s headlines!





Now that is a guy who knows how to chug a beer! So if you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to evade the cops during a high speed pursuit, or ‘rassle a gator, or see who has the biggest beer belly, or steal a catalytic converter off your neighbor’s Prius, then look no further because this is your dream competition! So you might be wondering, why have a contest like this? Well, I answer you with another question – why not? According to the founder of the games themselves, it’s so average Americans who are curious about the Florida Man lifestyle can live like Florida Man for a day without the fear of being arrested. Which is usually what happens in most Florida Man cases.





So now the question is – what’s the response been to the first annual Florida Man Games? Well the response has been absolutely overwhelming. Even real Florida police officers are doing their part to take in the fun of the Florida Man Games. And don’t worry, when the event actually happens in St. Augustine next February, you can guarantee that we’ll be there to cover it! Either way, this is a really great idea and we wish we were the ones who thought of it first! But we can’t wait to see the turn out and we can only imagine that the event itself is going to be as crazy as the headlines that we’ve all seen for years that made Florida Man the meme sensation we all know and love!






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[font size="8"]My Governor Is An Idiot Round 5: Abbott V. Pritzker
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Welcome back to our segment that pits red state governors against blue state governors in a match to find out who has the best and worst policies in My Governor Is An Idiot! Last time, it was a battle for the soul of Arizona as real governor Katie Hobbs took on election denying conspiracy theorist and wannabe governor of Arizona, Kari Lake, and Lake lost again! This week, we’re pitting one of the most well known governors in America, Greg Abbott, against the governor of the state that right wing conspiracy theorists love to shit on, Illinois’ JB Pritzker! And we’re pitting the reddest of the red against the bluest of the blue because these two particular states are constantly at odds with each other over, well, bullshit. We’re gonna settle this feud once and for all! So who will come out on top? There’s only one way to find out!

[font size="4"]Abbott :[/font]

Longtime viewers of the Top 10 will know that Greg Abbott is a very frequent contributor to our fine little program. And you know how when you make fun of someone so much, you wish you could thank them for all the good times you’ve had? Well guess what? Here, we’re going to! More or less we’ve featured Gov. Abbott on this program for his ridiculous views on mass shootings {see: Idiots #4-19 ) or his insane decisions on COVID (see: Idiots #9-3 ) or his plans with the Texas Energy Grid crisis (see: Idiots #12-9 ). But no, this week, we’re focusing on his continuing and utterly grotesque crimes against humanity, aided and abetted by Fox News and Sean Hannity, on the US – Mexico border. Remember his terrible and cruel death traps on the border a few months ago? Well it’s gonna get worse!





So in case you’re wondering if Greg Abbott is a sadistic, bloodthirsty psychopath or not, the answer is a big, fat yes. And he continues to get elected because he courts the Fox News vote and the religious megachurch vote. And his policies time and time again are proven to be grossly unpopular outside of the Fox News talk show church bubble. In fact, he even had to call in his minions for their quarterly performance evaluation in the Texas State Senate, and as you can imagine, that did not go over exactly what one would call “well”.





[font size="4"]Pritzker “ [/font]

So why put Texas against Illinois, you might ask? To which we answer: Why not? Well the reason we talk about Illinois is because of the city of Chicago. And white supremacist conspiracy theorists love to shit on Chicago as the city with the most rampant gun violence, so therefore liberal gun control laws don’t work. Well I got news for you: large cities are where people live, so more people get shot in large cities, it doesn’t take a population scientist to figure that out! But we’re not here to find out which states have better gun laws or not. There’s far more to Illinois than just Chicago, which is one of the most populous major cities in the country. So how do Pritzker’s views on abortion compare with Abbott’s? Well it’s total night and day on this one.





Sometimes, when our country is held hostage by extremists, you got to do things yourself. So Gov. Pritzker is taking this show on the road and he’s coming to your state. To the MAGAs, this is called “diplomacy”. It’s the same on the national level as it is on the international level. When states like each other, they help each other out. This is how we get nice things in this country. When states hate each other, this is how we get nice things in this country taken away. So yeah despite our differences, we’re all in this together. It’s all about the greater good! The greater good!





[font size="4"]And The Idiot Is: [/font]

Oh you know it’s going to be Greg Abbott by the longest of shots! Trump may be insane, but Greg Abbott is off the rails, batshit crazy, pure unaltered evil.

[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

For Round 6, this is going to be a fun one as we’re pitting newly reelected Kentucky governor Andy Beshear against Alabama’s Kay Ivey!



[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]Devo[/font]

Folks, my next guest is one of the pioneers of 80s new wave music. This is their new comp: “50 Years Of Deevolution”, you can see them on their farewell tour in Del Mar, CA on 11/11 and 11/12, the Youtube Theater in Los Angeles on 11/16 and at the Darker Waves Festival Nov. 18th. Playing their classic song Freedom Of Choice, give it up for the legendary Devo!



Thank you Nashville! We’re in Las Vegas next! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: Zanies Comedy Club, Nashville, TN
Devo Appears Courtesy Of: Rhino Entertainment Company
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
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HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
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Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Mastodon at: Top10ConIdiots@mstdn.party
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Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

November 6, 2023

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Presents: Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons Season 2 Episode 2: Cults Of Personality

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Presents: Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons Season 2 Episode 2: Cults Of Personality

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know we simply forgot to bring you episode 2 last week, so we’re bringing you a super-sized edition this week! Lately, the talk coming from supporters of the unholy, ungodly Dark One is that they’re not satisfied with being referred to as a cult. Even though they do exhibit an unusually fair amount of cult-like behavior. Which includes unaltered leader worship and some very insane levels of merchandising. As you know, I refer to him as the “Dark One” because I speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name dare NOT be spoken in my church or you will be cast to the fieriest pits of the darkest depths of HELL! Because that’s what he and his supporters bring- they bring darkness and insanity. They live in a cult, and we’re here to dissect that.

In the number one slot this week, we’re going to simply define what a cult of personality is (1) because lately, a lot of people have been throwing that word around a lot, but do you really know what a true cult of personality is and what it means? Well, we’re here to educate you on that subject! Because we educate as well as entertain! In the number 2 slot, we’re going to talk about when cults go wild, as a real-life Catholic cult that’s been associated with the Dark One’s Supreme Court justice pick Amy Comey Barrett, called “People Of Praise” and they’re in some serious trouble with the law, and they have some explaining to do! In the number 3 slot, also on the subject of cults, there’s a Christian Nationalist from North Carolina who simply wants to open his own hard-lined military academy, which is really just a glorified Bible school with more of the right wing’s flag drag and cowboy cosplay that they are known for, combined with some old school fire and brimstone punishment. Finally, as always, we’re going to end by answering your prayers from the Holy Shit Hotline To Heaven! Enjoy! And as always don't forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Holy Shit: Cults Of Personality
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My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know, this week, we’re going to do a bit of investigative reporting here. Too often, especially lately, we’ve been accused of calling out the GOP and MAGA for being a cult, and without any evidence to back it up. Well, this week, we’ve got evidence. And it’s all not exactly what one would call “good”. It’s definitely against supporters of the unholy Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name dare NOT be spoken in my church! But today, my friends, we’re going to answer the question – why is the GOP so cult like? And the answer may surprise you. Most cults aren’t just one major cult, they’re usually a collection of smaller cults with even more fervent followers. And cults come in many different forms as well, and can usually be tailored to your level of insanity. But you know before we go any further, let’s first define what a cult of personality is. A cult of personality is one that is defined through a leader and media manipulation through targeted propaganda. Sound familiar?





You know that’s one thing about modern MAGA conservatives is that they think that they want a rock star president. But the one thing about cults of personality is that they don’t just “appear” out of thin air overnight. This was a creation. This was the product of 50 years of heavily one sided propaganda. It’s been at least one or maybe two generations since Rush Limbaugh first started infecting the airwaves and it was manifested on Fox News and mutated on the dark corners of the internet. So it’s not just Trump who’s the ring leader. As we’ve seen with past cults, every cult leader has enablers and they all allow the cult leader to get away with abuses of power.





And therein lies the problem with the modern GOP – they did just that. They saw how successful President Obama was in getting his message out to the people, and that they showed up and showered him with praise when he held rallies. The Dark One, on the other hand, attempted that, only to discover that a small handful of people want to hear a deranged, old white male spout the same white supremacist internet conspiracies they’ve heard a thousand times. But one thing we know about authoritarian cults is that they never end well.





But that’s the thing with cults – they don’t worship a deity, they worship the leader. And the leader is all knowing and all powerful. It doesn’t take a religious scholar, or even an armchair religious scholar, to figure this one out. And I’m not even going to point out the irony of the fact that a group of people who claim to despise tyranny want to be ruled by an authoritarian dictator. But despite the fact authoritarian cults never end well, what about getting their leader out of power and into prison? The Dark One is an indicted felon 91 times over. What’s it going to take to finally bring him down?






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know, I keep saying that we live in very dark times and it doesn’t seem like things are getting any better. Last year, if you remember, the worshippers of the unholy, ungodly Dark One finally got their hands on the grand prize they’ve been salivating over for 450 years: the overturning of Roe V. Wade. And of course I call him the Dark One, because I speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name dare not be spoken in my church! While they’re enjoying their ill gotten gains, there may be a ripple in their, well, whatever their path to righteousness is. You know, we always thought that the appointment of justice Amy Comey Barrett was an extremely terrible idea, given that she’s a member of a certified Catholic cult that’s been gaining huge grounds in states like Indiana and Illinois. I’m talking about the super far right group called People Of Praise. And lately, they’re back in the news and they’ve definitely got some explaining to do about what they’ve been up to lately.





Yes this group called People Of Praise has got themselves in trouble with the law. And it really brings into question what their role in getting Barrett to the Supreme Court was. Because as we have said, these are people who worship the unholy Dark One! So who’s accusing this cult of abuse? And why are they called a cult, you might ask? Well, as we have previously discussed, all cults have charismatic leaders, they have parishoners who give them piles of money unasked, and they are 9 times out of 10 accused of some kind of egregious abuse of their followers. I don’t know what happens with that other 1, but we assume they’re guilty of abuse too.





Well here’s the thing that I want to stress before we go any further is that we’re not here to make fun of abuse. But we are fascinated with cults. And we are here to call out abuse and injustice when we see it because that’s what should be done! But when this was called out back when Barrett was first nominated in 2020, shouldn’t that have been a sign that these people were bad news? But nope, despite that Barrett is a member of the People Of Praise cult, there’s a much bigger cult in charge and that’s the American republican party. Hell, they meet all the signs of a cult. And the cult wants what it wants!





Yes! These things are regurgitated by the real SAYTAN – and that’s the unholy Dark One himself. He went ahead and appointed Barrett to judge the supreme law of the land regardless of the fact that the rest of the country and the world all said that it was an extremely terrible idea! But nevertheless, the great SAYTAN went and appointed her anyway! Which gives credence to her and to her masters in People Of Praise. Look, these are some very bad dudes! We cannot stress that enough! But like we said, the cult wants what it wants and it’s going to get what it wants unless we stop them!



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[font size="8"]Holy Shit: The Christian School From Hell
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My fair congregation! Please be seated! So we’ve been talking about cults a lot lately and for good reason – they’re in the news because supporters of the Unholy, Ungodly Dark One have grown increasingly cult like in their behavior. I of course speak of a man who is so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name dare NOT be spoken in my church! Well in our quest to understand cults and cult like behavior, I recently got tipped off to some strange happenings in North Carolina. There, a megachurch pastor and super fan of the Dark One, Mark Burns, is planning to simply open his own Christian military academy. Yeah gee, what great way to install fear of the LAWRD in the hearts of America’s youth than with some good ol’ fire and brimstone combined with the right wing’s flag drag obsession? I mean what could possibly go wrong there?





Now we’re gonna have some fun with this one. Normally this is where we’d get outraged and talk about how the Dark One has his dirty, rotten, evil fingers in everything. And that’s not exactly what JAYSUS would want now is it? But instead, my friends, I decided instead to figure out – what kind of classes would they offer in such a school? Well it certainly wouldn’t be anything traditional. It would be some serious reality-denying shit. After all, Pastor Burns is a regular at the ReAwaken America event, which is a religious revival but with more conspiracy theories. Don’t worry we’ll get to that next week. But if they had someone like David Barton as a history professor, that would be the weirdest history class ever.





No, Mr. Barton, there is no other side of slavery. In fact, you may recall that we fought an entire war over this. A civil war if you will. It lasted 5 years. It cost over a million lives. It also resulted in the assassination of one of America’s greatest presidents. Any of that ring a bell? Or maybe you have this guy Robert Henderson teaching a civics class. I mean come on… what kind of civics class would replace the Constitution with GAWD? Not one in the entire world. This isn’t so much a Christian military reform academy… it’s sounding like the Christian school from hell. And what parent wouldn’t want their children attending such an academy?





Yeah so picture your children learning from this crock of insane lunatics. You can’t do it, can you? I mean I know if I had kids, they would stay as far away from that school as humanly possible! So you have David Barton teaching history and Robert Henderson teaching civics. Who would teach the science class at this school? How about since we’re going full on denialism, how about we put this guy Wayne Christian in charge of teaching that class? So slavery is OK, and the Constitution is somehow equated with the Bible, which it isn’t. The two mix together like olive oil and vinegar. So how about we add some good ol’ fashioned environmental denial? It’s the work of Baal, you know. Hey come on, I play Diablo IV too. It is a game where the object is to kill the devil!






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[font size="8"]The Holy Shit Hotline To Heaven
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My fair congregation! Welcome back to our spinoff show. This is the part of every episode where we dial up the Holy Shit Hotline To Heaven! This is just a free form segment where we answer whatever is on your mind. If you want to contribute, hit us up on Mastodon at holychurchoftop10@mstdn.party. Don’t worry, we’re friendly folks around here. Don’t be shy! Plus this also gives us a chance to play some of the wacky clips that the religious right gives us on an almost daily basis. Because worshippers of the unholy, ungodly Dark One are clinically insane and they just get nuttier and crazier and far more cult like every single day. Let’s open it up and go to the hotline, shall we?

Denise P. from Portland, Oregon writes:

Heavenly Father,

What is the MAGA obsession with having mysteriously adopted children? First Matt Gaetz had that 25 year old claiming to be his son, and now Mike Johnson claims to have adopted a 14 year old. What’s up with that?

Well, Sister Denise, that is a very complicated question with which there is no easy or direct answer. But don’t worry, it will be the future topic of one of our upcoming sermons as we learn more about the megachurch pastor who the MAGA Qongress has chosen to be the new Speaker Of The House. It’s some very weird and extremely frightening stuff.

Jackson N. from Tuscon, AZ writes:

“Heavenly Father,

Should I be worried when my fellow zealots start talking about taking up arms? Why would they do such a thing?”

Yes, Brother Jackson, you should be very concerned. The MAGA rhetoric is getting more intense and violent by the day. And if your local church is talking about taking up arms for the unholy Dark One, not only should they be stripped of their tax exempt status, they should probably be put on an FBI terrorist watch list or two. We have no idea where they’re going with the extremist violent talk, but we imagine that it can’t be good! And what would they be taking up arms over? We may have to do a deep dive on this subject in a future sermon.



Greg L. from Brooklyn, New York writes:

“Heavenly Father,

Why does it seem like the MAGAs keep comparing everything that’s going on to Hitler and Nazi Germany despite that they’re the ones causing all the problems?”

Well Brother Gregory, I do share your concern that this is very troubling. But they’re doing it a lot and it seems like it keeps escalating. We’ve railed on the sub-cult within the MAGA cult called Moms For Liberty in the past. If you’re not alarmed by their actions, you absolutely should be. This comparing everything to Nazi Germany really started back in the days when Glenn Beck did it and it continues to this day. Why it’s still a thing, we may never know. But we do have some clips!







Olivia M. from Chino Hills, California writes:

Heavenly Father, I live in Jack Hibbs’ district and I know quite a few people who go to his church and vote the way that he does. Should I be afraid? Do I need to find a new place to worship?

Well, Sister Olivia, the short answer is yes. The longer answer is that it’s complicated. Jack Hibbs is one of many MAGA preachers who preach the values of the unholy Dark One. What is happening in Chino Hills is something that we hope doesn’t inspire copycats, but knowing the day and age in which we live, it probably will. But Jack Hibbs is one bad dude, and the fact that he’s trying to implement himself with the Dark One is very scary.



Carlos C. from El Paso, Texas writes:

Heavenly Father,

How come there is no official response from your church about the horrifying events going on in Israel and Palestine? I know it’s a sketchy subject but we would like to see something.”

Well, Brother Carlos, your concerns are noted. We had a lot of meetings here at the home offices in Santa Ana, and we had a lot of very lively discussions as to how to approach the matter of religion in the Hamas conflict. The short answer right now is that we stand by our policy to only make fun of the lighter side of religion. We may address it next season or in a future Sunday Sermons episode. But for now, the reason why we’re not touching it is because it’s very controversial, and our friends on the right are extremely opinionated about it. and we wouldn’t want to piss them off now, would we? Ah who am I kidding, of course we plan to at some point!









Thank you my fair congregation! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! We will return on Sunday, November 19th, with episode 3 (for real, no hiccips, we promise!)!

Credits

Host: Pastor Initech
Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: Constellation Room at Observatory OC, Santa Ana, CA
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

October 26, 2023

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #15-11: Five Nights At Trumpies Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #15-11: Five Nights At Trumpies Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yooooooooooooooooooo!!!! What’s up, Lexington? It has been more than a minute since we’ve been back in the Blue Grass State, but we are certainly glad to be here! You guys ready to party with Dirty Honey? Hell yeah! You know it's our annual Halloween edition! We got the set decorated and everything. Which is why I am going as the scariest thing imaginable - a MAGA voter. See? I got the flag drag and everything! Holy shit, can you believe that we’re nearly almost at the end of the year, folks? We’re just a mere 5 editions away from our popular and favorite Top 10 Year In Review edition! And yes, the answer is we’ve already started on it and it’s going to be huge! But we’ve got 5 Top 10s left and our schedule is pretty packed. When we come back on the 9th we’re in Nashville, then we’re off to Vegas, Oxnard and finally back home for the last two shows of the year. This year has just flown by, hasn’t it? Holy shit! OK now that we got the Top 10 business out of the way, do we have time for the thing? Of course we do! So you know we love music around these parts, and of course our good friend Taylor Swift is getting all the headlines right now for having one of the highest grossing tours ever and dating an NFL wide receiver. But music, just like police, there’s the headline grabbers, and then there’s the other guys. A band we love is Slipknot, and of course their overly opinionated lead singer Corey Taylor had some thoughts about this. We may have to do a deep dive on this in the future. But the fact that Slipknot sells out stadiums and doesn’t make the kind of money that Taylor does, should be alarmed by this fact? Yes and no. The thing is it takes a metric fuck ton of people to put on shows like that. So something is definitely afoul at Camp Slipknot. Or not. Ha ha ha ha ha… that would be an interesting camp to go to, right? OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to. But first John Oliver is back and he does a deep dive into business consultant McKinsey Corporation:



So where do we begin this week? well in the number one slot this week, the MAGA plan to “unleash the Kraken” really turned out to be some bad calamari that was left under the heat lamp too long. Because let’s face it, the few supporters that MAGA and Trump have left are dropping like flies. And speaking of that, in the second slot this week, is Sydney Powell (2). You know you’re fucked when your attorneys have their own attorneys, and their attorneys have attorneys. It’s attorney-ception. Yeah maybe going to jail for the cause isn’t exactly a great prize, you think? In the number 3 slot this week is House Speaker clusterfuck (3). Well, we finally have a new Speaker – it’s notorious right wing election denier Mike Johnson. And yes, this entire thing has been about who can appease Donald Trump. It’s absolutely disgusting and infuriating. Yeah we’ll get to that later. In the number 4 slot this week is that guy who we inexplicably used to call president (4) . You know we’ve called him out for cheating at golf in the past, but does he rig his own golf tournaments at his own golf resorts? After recent data, we’re going to whip out our magic 8 ball and say that all signs point to yes! In the number 5 slot this week is MAGA supporters (5) and they’re melting down over – get this – protests in the Capitol! Why isn’t the pro-Israel group getting arrested and they did? Yeah get back to us when they start destroying property, threatening murder, and using offices as toilets. In the number 6 slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week the fact that Christian nationalist Mark Burns wants to open his own military academy is peak MAGA cultist. And it’s basically just a Bible school with more of the right wing’s flag drag and cowboy cosplay thrown in. What could go wrong? At slot #7 this week is a new Beating A Dead Horse (7) and our friend Jon Stewart, who was a large inspiration for our comedy styling, is in a feud with Apple over certain aspects of the show, and we wonder who is right in this situation? We’re personally siding with Stewart here! in the number 8 slot is our weekly venture into the never-ending world of online tin foil hat nuttery in Conspiracy Corner (8) , our old buddy Mike Lindell, or as we like to call him, Creepy Pillow Man, is back in the news and wait until you see his latest hair-brained scheme to undermine elections, and it's some next level Wile Coyote shit. The only thing that would shock us is if his devices were manufactured by Acme Corp. In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week is a new I Need A Drink (9) – and this week, is it entirely possible that the end of the influencer is here? Well maybe not, but people are fighting back against the establishment on this one, and it’s glorious! Finally this week, it’s time four Part 4 of our ongoing segment that pits red state governors against blue state governors in My Governor Is An Idiot (10) and this week, we’re pitting two governors from the same state against each other! Wait, how is that possible? Well, in one corner is the real governor of Arizona, Katie Hobbs and in the other is notorious MAGA election denier Katie Hobbs, who after two years, still thinks she rightfully won that election, but she didn’t. Finally to cap things off, we’re getting this spooky party started with some live music from one of the best new bands out there – Dirty Honey! Buy their new album “Can’t Find The Brakes” or you’re no friend of this program! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]The Trump Trial Clusterfuck Part 1: Unleash The Kraken
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Oh silly MAGAs, the adults are in charge, and you’re going to jail now. The Trump fraud trial is going exactly according to plan, even if it’s a completely malignant and fucked up one. Trump’s allies are dropping like flies. They’re dropping faster than Scaramucci did. And we all know how well that one went. But here’s the thing – that guy who we inexplicably used to call president, Donald J. Trump, is a big fat loud mouth. And he definitely attracts a type to his cause. If there’s one thing we know about big fat loud mouths, is that they don’t know when to shut the fuck up. See Trump’s professional ass kisser Marjorie Greene for instance. And you know what’s not going to shut him up? A gag order. And yeah there’s no gag large enough. But this is absolutely hilarious because no amount of money is going to shut him up. Remember that brief period after the Insurrection when we didn’t have to hear every batshit crazy thing that came out of his mouth? I miss those times. But yeah, $10K is laughable, he’ll make that back before lunch.





You know what’s really hilarious? Is that the MAGAs claim to despise trial lawyers, but they employ more trial lawyers than anyone else on the planet! Their attorneys have their own attorneys because there’s not one person in the MAGA party that’s a decent human being. Not one. And we’re not talking about your neighbor Cheryl who invites you over for coffee and then proceeds to tell you how immigrants are coming over the border and taking our jobs. That doesn’t count. We’re talking about elected representatives and the MAGA inner circle. And the longer this trial goes on, the weirder it gets, and the more they’re going to start dropping like flies.






Well fucking duh!!! You think that Trump’s going to produce a credible witness here? You know he’s just itching to derail this thing in any way possible, and any lackeys he has left will again jump off the proverbial cliff to help him. But the most insane part is like the petulant man child that he is, and has had everything handed to him on a silver platter his whole life, Trump just doesn’t like being told no about anything. So what does he do when things don’t go his way? He storms out of the courtroom the same way that the Deltas did in that famous scene from Animal House!





Yeah no, somehow I don’t think that Trump has the same amount of charisma that Boone had in that scene. But again, we can’t emphasize that the longer this trial goes on, the weirder it’s going to get, and it’s already pretty damn weird. We’ve never seen anything like this, and once the dust finally settles and the wheels of justice finally give Trump the heave-ho so greatly deserves, the better. Right now it’s devolving into the he said – he said – he said – but he didn’t say that part of the trial. And there’s going to be a lot of back stabbing and flame throwing before Trump finally goes down. Again, not in that way, sir.






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[font size="8"]The Trump Trial Clusterfuck Part 2: Sydney Powell Flips
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We keep saying that the biggest problem with the United States is that there is way too much right wing propaganda out there. You have Fox News, OAN, Newsmax, then you have Sinclair Broadcasting which owns some 1,500 local TV stations, then you have megachurches. And on top of all of that, you have some 2,500 radio stations. And they all utter the same damn bullshit. Which is why someone who’s easily impressionable like Trump’s former lawyer Sydney Powell could be brainwashed into following him off a cliff. So you remember the old army saying “When we say jump, you say how high?”. Well I guess the same goes true for the MAGAs. When Trump says “jump”, you say “how high” and then proceed to kiss his ass as you leap off the cliff. Well, apparently Sydney decided that spending time in jail for the Mad Man from Mar-A-Lago wasn’t exactly in her best interests and she decided to flip and squeal against him. We can bet Trump has already shit talked about her on Truth Social right about now.





See, as this trial drags on, it’s going to get weird. And people are going to start bailing left and right, because even Trump’s inner circle knows that doing hard time for this asshole… is probably not in their best interests. What’s really hilarious about this is that Powell’s plan to “unleash the kraken” really just turned out that she had some bad calamari that was left over from karaoke night. But the problem is that Trump is protected by a very far reaching and extremely powerful and well-funded propaganda network. They’re the ones who are keeping him out of jail and they’re the ones who are largely responsible for the mess that we’re in. This whole thing stinks. It feels like some kind of horror movie. Maybe a PG-13 horror movie. There’s that new flick Five Nights at Freddie’s. Let’s call this… how about… 5 Nights At Trumpie’s. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I can see Trump as some kind of fucked up puppet master! So Powell could potentially destroy her career by taking lies from the puppet master himself.





Yeah it could potentially be a really bad court thingy if it goes the other way. So of course you know He Who Ruins Everything had to make a statement. And we all know how he treats people in his inner circle like Mike Pence and Mike Lindell. Basically everything he touches dies, and Sydney Powell’s career is just another one of those things. But this could potentially be a start of the turning of the tide against the Bony MAGA King. And it’s going to be sweet when he finally goes down… not in that way, sir… and just… ew…. But when he finally lands behind bars and gives a MAGA rally at Sing Sing, it’s going to be glorious!





Yeah so this whole trial is shaping up to what one would call the “clusterfuck of the century” and I say that as an understatement! You just know that things are fucked up when your attorneys have their own attorneys, and their attorneys have their own attorneys. It’s attorney-ception! What’s real and what’s all just a bad dream? Well, you may never know! And with as loose of a cannon and such a volatile and vile human being that Trump is, you never know what position he’s going to take. Again, ew… not that kind of position. But you definitely know that he’s going to say something fucked up and hateful on his social media hidey hole. It’s the cycle of shit and it screws us all! Thanks MAGA media! And also fuck you!






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[font size="8"]The House Speaker Clusterfuck
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Hey everyone, we finally have a new Speaker! Yes, the MAGA fuckheads have spoken and got their wish – the man who is now third in line to the presidency is a MAGA election denying conspiracy theorist nutjob! Yes, meet your megachurch preacher, er, discount Joel Osteen, er, new Speaker Of The House, Mike Johnson! Heckuva job, MAGAs! So yeah, Louisiana’s Mike Johnson is now the new Speaker Of The House, and we can expect some bonkers batshit crazy stuff happening in the next year. In case you're wondering, he is a die hard MAGA Qultist nutjob, and will probably be Sean Hannity's puppet until we vote these deranged MAGA psychos out. So what can we expect to look forward to with Johnson at the helm of this already uncontrollable House? Well, expect lots of investigations into Hunter Biden’s laptop, Ukraine funding denied, government shutdowns, impeachment inquiries, and maybe more Beetlejuice handjobs. You don't know! You don't know! But before we go any further, I want to talk about the guy who almost made it. Mike Emmers from Minnesota. In case you haven’t been on the internet lately, Steve Bannon (yes, puke) launched an aggressive campaign to get Emmers from accepting the nomination because he’d be hostile to Trump and the MAGA cult. Good! Fuck you, Steve Bannon. I hope you fucking rot in the hottest of hells for this. So yeah we’re laughing because Emmers didn’t even last 1/66th of a Scaramucci. The dude legit exited the House Speaker race the same way Grandpa Simpson exited the burlesque house.





So that’s the guy who didn’t make it. Now let’s talk about the guy who did. So let’s think about this for a minute – the most qualified candidates for GOP house speaker were – if I extrapolate this correctly, straight middle-aged white guy, straight middle-aged white guy, and oh yeah, straight middle-aged white guy. Such diversity! And also, in case you were wondering, why yes, Mike Johnson has been a very vocal supporter of that guy who we inexplicably used to call president. To which we’re wondering – uh… why? Well, apparently McCarthy wasn’t MAGA enough and this whole thing reeks of Steve Bannon’s doing.





So congrats, straight, middle-aged white guy Mike Johnson. You won. Now fuck off. Because to me the complete lack of diversity is really going to be MAGA’s downfall. The straight white guy had their moment under the former administration. And of course you know that means that they’re plotting something. What that is remains to be seen. But after the way that former guy treated his own vice president, does anyone really want a job where they have to kiss his ass 24 hours a day? And he’s got a lot of space on his ass too.





Yeah that’s the best way that I can accurately express how I am feeling right now – y’all suck. Look at who’s supporting Mike Johnson. You have Lauren Beetlejuice Handy, you have Marjorie Shit For Brains, you have Clay Higgens, batshit crazy “doctor” Ronny Jackson, the list goes on and on. The worst part about this is that the worst Congress ever is getting that much more worse. You know who I blame for this shit? Fox News, Steve Bannon, Sean Hannity. They created this mess that we’re in, and it’s going to be hard to close this pandora’s box. Just… it’s going to be a long two years isn’t it?






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[font size="8"]That Former President
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So you know what we say is that guy who we inexplicably used to call president is something of a James Bond villain. But there’s one villain in particular who I’d compare him to. And you know what? We need some music for this one!



Yeah the villain that I’d most compare him to is the sultry villain of the 1963 James Bond classic movie Goldfinger, Auric Goldfinger. Just like Goldfinger, Trump is a diabolical mad man who is threatening to take over the world in one of the most bizarre ways possible. He also has a cult following of loyal supporters who would jump off a cliff if he told them to. But most importantly – just like Auric Goldfinger, he cheats at golf. And we’ve previously reported on his habitual habit of cheating at golf (see: Idiots #4-9 ). But lately the evidence is becoming more painfully obvious. So Trump himself has been hosting golf tournaments at his clubs in Bedminster and in Florida. He’s hosted 57 of them since becoming president. And he has won all 57 of them. Surely, that can’t be a coincidence, can it? Well it is, participating in a Trump golf tournament means about as much as a presidential pardon from him. In fact he’s even blowing off court appearances to be at them.





But that’s not really what this entry is about. The question is – does Trump cheat at his own golf tournaments? The answer, quite simply is… gee, ya think? Well there’s reasoning behind this logic too – something that he definitely doesn’t use. It’s like gambling, you don’t bet against the house because the house always wins. And you don’t bet against Trump because he always wins. So the answer is yes. And anyone who’s serious about golf knows that golfers are serious about keeping track of what their real handicap is. Trump on the other hand… doesn’t. Shocker ,I know. But what are we to question the almighty he who cheats at golf?





Oh come on, you really expect Trump to play by the rules at this point? You and I both know damn well that he won’t and will never. So of course given his overly inflated ego, you know that he’s going to start using this to compare his score to actual professional golfers who, you know, play by the rules. The thing is if you play at Bedminster or San Pedro or Doral, and he’s in your foursome, then you’d better be prepared that he’s going to win. And he’ll probably gloat in your face and call you a loser because you came in second. But then again, he’s the one who cheats and also cheats profusely. It’s definitely an inflated ego thing.





So we all know that Trump doesn’t play by the rules and that he’s a colossal man child. The fact that he cheated and also lied about his score not only are proof of this, but also proof that he’s quite possibly clinically insane. Now you might be wondering – what happens when he gets his bluff called and he has to show his poker face? Well he calls on his “expert” to verify his results. Oh come on, you didn’t think that Trump hired an actual expert did you? Well, he does. And that puts the answer of whether or not he cheats at his own golf tournaments gets elevated from “probably” to “most definitely”. I mean come on, we always say that with experts like these, who needs quacks?






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[font size="8"]MAGA Republicans
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You know, we always say around here that Fox News and the right wing podcast sphere are the reason why we can’t have nice things. Well, this week, there was a sit-in in Congress over what’s going on in Israel and the MAGA world melted straight the fuck down over it. I saw a lot of shit being posted on that site formally known as Twitter about what was going on. So for this segment, we’re going to do some comparing and contrasting here. Here’s the difference between what happened on 1/6/21 and 10/18/23. No one threatened to murder anybody. And there were no zip lines being deployed. There was no poop smeared on the walls or Congressional offices being used as toilets. There were no makeshift gallows being erected. There was no one screaming for the vice president to be hanged. I mean come on, bringing back hangings is already fucked up. Now here’s where things are similar in nature. They… wait for it… got arrested too! Yeah that’s something that gets lost when you live in a continuously operating right wing outrage bubble. You miss things like this.





Hey people! Stop your rabbling! Look, MAGAs, allow me to give you a free civics lesson since you obviously slept through the important parts in high school. Here’s the difference between the 10/18 Palestine protests and your January 6th temper tantrum. The Palestinians are fighting to protest a just cause. And they did so very civilly. They didn’t threaten murder, destroy property, loot property, deploy zip lines, carry giant guns, erect makeshift gallows, and use Congressional offices as toilets. And the Capitol Police also didn’t have to murder anyone for breaking and entering the Capitol. But there weren’t just a few. There were hundreds. Just like your protests.





Now let’s do some comparing and contrasting. I’ll tell you about the latest round of MAGA psychos who got convicted for their role in January 6th. You know how Trump says that he’s not getting arrested for himself, he’s getting arrested for you? Yeah no, it doesn’t quite work that way. And to me, what’s really insane is that these people legit jumped off a proverbial cliff for Trump because he told them to, and he’s throwing his own cult members under the bus. Really, MAGAs, it’s not that hard to understand – you break the law, you go to jail. The January 6th protestors broke the law. Multiple laws in fact. Like this guy who is one of the latest to see the inside of a prison cell.





Yeah could you imagine being a MAGA and then your lawyer is occupying the jail cell right next to you because he’s also a MAGA who’s being indicted for something? That’s what happens when you choose party loyalty over competency. And here’s the other difference between the 10/18 protestors and the 1/6 protestors. If they broke the law, they’ll go to jail too. The Proud Boys on the other hand, they broke the law, got found guilty, and then fled! Like they really thought that Trump was going to give them a pardon. Hell, no way he even gives them a mention. But that’s what cults do. And if they were innocent, they wouldn’t have fled from police.






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit: The Christian School From Hell
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! So we’ve been talking about cults a lot lately and for good reason – they’re in the news because supporters of the Unholy, Ungodly Dark One have grown increasingly cult like in their behavior. I of course speak of a man who is so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name dare NOT be spoken in my church! Well in our quest to understand cults and cult like behavior, I recently got tipped off to some strange happenings in North Carolina. There, a megachurch pastor and super fan of the Dark One, Mark Burns, is planning to simply open his own Christian military academy. Yeah gee, what great way to install fear of the LAWRD in the hearts of America’s youth than with some good ol’ fire and brimstone combined with the right wing’s flag drag obsession? I mean what could possibly go wrong there?





Now we’re gonna have some fun with this one. Normally this is where we’d get outraged and talk about how the Dark One has his dirty, rotten, evil fingers in everything. And that’s not exactly what JAYSUS would want now is it? But instead, my friends, I decided instead to figure out – what kind of classes would they offer in such a school? Well it certainly wouldn’t be anything traditional. It would be some serious reality-denying shit. After all, Pastor Burns is a regular at the ReAwaken America event, which is a religious revival but with more conspiracy theories. Don’t worry we’ll get to that next week. But if they had someone like David Barton as a history professor, that would be the weirdest history class ever.





No, Mr. Barton, there is no other side of slavery. In fact, you may recall that we fought an entire war over this. A civil war if you will. It lasted 5 years. It cost over a million lives. It also resulted in the assassination of one of America’s greatest presidents. Any of that ring a bell? Or maybe you have this guy Robert Henderson teaching a civics class. I mean come on… what kind of civics class would replace the Constitution with GAWD? Not one in the entire world. This isn’t so much a Christian military reform academy… it’s sounding like the Christian school from hell. And what parent wouldn’t want their children attending such an academy?





Yeah so picture your children learning from this crock of insane lunatics. You can’t do it, can you? I mean I know if I had kids, they would stay as far away from that school as humanly possible! So you have David Barton teaching history and Robert Henderson teaching civics. Who would teach the science class at this school? How about since we’re going full on denialism, how about we put this guy Wayne Christian in charge of teaching that class? So slavery is OK, and the Constitution is somehow equated with the Bible, which it isn’t. The two mix together like olive oil and vinegar. So how about we add some good ol’ fashioned environmental denial? It’s the work of Baal, you know. Hey come on, I play Diablo IV too. It is a game where the object is to kill the devil!





No, sir, the biggest scam in history is you wingnuts thinking that you have a handle on things like science and government. You are criminally insane to deny reality like that, and that’s what would make this the school from hell! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse
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Well this sucks. One of our favorite streaming programs in addition to Last Week Tonight With John Oliver has been The Problem with Jon Stewart on Apple. Jon Stewart, who we often group as one of the greatest human beings currently living in America, got in a fight with his current employer, Apple TV, over the subject content of some of his upcoming episodes. Which included some episodes about artificial intelligence and China. Come on, who wouldn’t want to see that? Well, Apple for one thing put the axe on that extremely quickly. In case you’ve been living under a rock or cut off from the rest of the world, Apple manufactures a good 95% of its’ products at Foxconn’s controversial factory city in Zhengzhou, China. I mean come on, the factory is so big that it registers on satellite maps. But come on, when our AI overlords take over, people are definitely going to invent time travel so we can come back and warn the future about the day AI becomes self-aware. It was in Terminator! Sky New is real! And historian AI will blame Apple as one of the people who held back this crucial information about where technology is heading.





Yeah I mean come on, who wouldn’t want to see an informative news show about our eventual artificial intelligence overlords? When the machines take over and nobody will have any work or school and nobody is making money except for the uber-rich, then can we admit that Sky Net is real? Well on one hand you can see why Apple has a problem with this content. I mean you wouldn’t want to piss off Xi Jianping, now would you? Of course you would. Fragile authoritarian dictators are fragile. But the thing is, the entire world has a right to be concerned about AI. And hey MAGAs, you should too. Because when we don’t have any money, you won’t either.





Well it was a good run with this show. So here’s the problem with Apple, and also with Google, Microsoft and other competitors. They’re trying to implement AI into their operating systems, and regardless of how you feel about AI, it’s going to happen whether you like it or not. But what Apple is flat dead wrong about is that we need to know about this stuff. We can’t just sit in the dark and let AI take over and then it’s too late for us to do anything about it. So for Apple to silence Jon Stewart over this subject is flat-out wrong. And it just shows that we shouldn’t fuck with our billionaire overlords, they know what’s best for us. Ugh, I felt so dirty with that one.





Yeah so here’s the thing Apple doesn’t realize – is just like the great Gary King said – we are the human race and we don’t like being told what to do! It’s no secret that the same people who pushed the failed crypto bubble on us are now trying to push the AI bubble on us. Crypto isn’t perfect and it’s not ready for prime time, and so many people couldn’t be trusted with it. So how is that going to translate to the new AI field? We’re seriously entering uncharted territory here. And we have a feeling that the AI movement as it is right now is going to end with lots of servers in dumpsters. That’s just our feeling, and we also don’t want companies like Apple and HBO censoring important content because, reasons.






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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner: Mike Lindell’s WMD Scheme
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. Ah, there we go! They are trying to read yours and my thoughts after all! So this week, our old buddy Mike Lindell is back in the news. And certainly not because he’s going broke. Which, that is most definitely true. But that’s not what our segment is about this week at all. Oh no, my friends. You know we’ve made comparisons to the GOP trying to find fraud in the 2020 election in the same way that Wiley Coyote attempts to catch the Road Runner. This may be one of his most hair-brained schemes yet. Apparently while we weren’t looking, the Creepy Pillow Man himself invested in a company that is selling election monitoring devices for $500. Yes, apparently he can now mine detect election fraud through... apparently, wifi network blocking? Like seriously, WTF? This is what their solution is? SMDH. Which still isn’t happening anywhere, except for maybe in the Villages and other Florida locations. Here’s more.





I don’t think that tin foil hat is big enough! Well, let’s think about this here for a minute. Mike Lindell is selling Wi-Fi monitoring devices. The abbreviation for “Wi-Fi Monitoring Device” is WMD. The abbreviation for “Weapons Of Mass Destruction” is also WMD. If we extrapolate this, does this mean that My Pillow is also selling My WMDs? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…. Maybe selling a few cruise missiles can help Creepy Pillow Man pay back that massive debt that he owes. Yeah we could start rebranding My Pillow as My Arms Dealer! And that would probably be a more legitimate business by the way! Well, anyway the only mass destruction that these weapons are capable of is your brain cells and your wallet, and that’s about it. And in case you’re wondering if you can bring one of these insane devices to your local polling place, the answer is a big, fat no.





Good question, miss, we don’t know, either! But just… how… who… what.. how would monitoring Wifi connections make elections safer? Aren’t the voting machines usually hard wired? We’ve been monitoring these losers for years and we can’t figure out what goes through their heads. I am guessing this is the end result of what happens when your media diet is as bad as your actual diet is. Yeah exactly, garbage in, garbage out. Like some kind of fucked up Human Centipede. But this isn’t really so much a “blow” for Mr. Lindell as it is a win for sanity. This is, without a doubt, one of the absolute dumbest ideas they’ve had yet.





So here’s the thing – Lindell has been selling these devices since August. And the hilarious thing is that he held a 2 day seminar which was basically just a glorified infomercial for this garbage. Who the hell would listen to a rambling maniac for two days straight? Oh yea, who am I kidding? MAGA lunatics voluntarily listen to Trump and Marjorie Greene and Ben Shapiro and Sean Hannity every single day, and that’s a lot of bullshit! Yeah… a giant steaming pile from Jurassic Park load! So if you do buy one of these contraptions, you’re not making elections safer. You’re just showing the world that just like Creepy Pillow Man, you’re that criminally insane.






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
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Hey everyone, I don’t know about you, but I could really use a drink!



So of course, you know by now that the idea behind this segment, is that we have some drinks, and while we are drinking, we talk about just about anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. Because politics are what drive us to drink, so we need to escape reality by bellying up to the bar and enjoying a few cold ones. Only rules we got in this bar – no fighting, no cussing, and no politics whatsoever. Some mild cussing is allowed, but as long as it’s never at someone. My sober brothers and sisters, don’t worry, we got you covered! Just grab a glass of your favorite coffee, tea, or energy drink and come get wired with us! So this week, people are fighting back against the influencer establishment and just flat out banning them. Tell me bartender, what goes well with a story about that? Well what’s in that drink? Wait, was that made famous by an influencer? Get outta here! I’ll just take my usual Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. Two ingredients, American sourced. Au natural. I call it the Double Jack. But yes, my friends, the people have had enough of the influencers, and they’re being chased out like the way the droids were chased out of the Mos Eisley Cantina. Yes, a proper use of that Star Wars reference! You may be asking… but why? Here’s why!





Yeah… ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! I can see influencers being treated like the droids at the cantina in Star Wars. Your kind isn’t welcome here! it’s like, I get it. Businesses gotta make money, but on the other hand, if influencers come in and start being obnoxious douchebags and demanding free stuff because they’re them, then yeah, they should be shown the door. But since we’re deep into fall and very quickly approaching winter, a popular tourist destination for people is the great state of Vermont and it’s fall foliage changing season. But can they be banned from visiting an entire state? That is a very good question!





So here’s the thing, influencers. If you travel to a place to get pictures just for getting those precious likes on Facebook and Instagram, maybe don’t. You’ll probably get told to fuck off a lot, and people don’t need you wandering into their shot or giving them a ton of unwanted and unnecessary free press should the inevitable tweet or post go viral. Shit, even virtual influencers are being banned. That’s right China has banned cryptocurrency influencers from certain services. Wait, does that mean that Elon is gonna have to go hawk Dogecoin somewhere else now? Oh the shame!





What’s the rule – liquor before beer, have no fear? Beer before liquor – get drunk quicker? Yeah that makes sense! Yeah so just like most nice things, this is a perfect case of a few bad apples ruining it for the rest of us. But if you’re looking to get that perfect shot to get those precious likes on Instagram or Facebook, be prepared to get told to fuck off a lot. Just like applying for a university application in 2023, not everyone is going to get in. Businesses have the right to refuse service to anyone and restaurants don’t want customers coming in for a drink and a photo shoot. So yeah, canvassing places for the likes definitely isn’t the way to go about getting them.






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[font size="8"]My Governor Is An Idiot Round 4: Hobbs Vs Lake
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Welcome back to the segment where we pit red state governors against blue state governors in a battle to find out who the bigger idiot is, My Governor Is An Idiot. Last week we brought you a beltway battle between North Carolina’s Roy Cooper and Virginia’s Glenn Youngkin, which we found out that Virginia doesn’t want lovers there, at least their right-wing anti-abortionists don’t. This week we thought we’d do something different. The state of Arizona is in a unique situation. Katie Hobbs is the current and rightful governor of the Grand Canyon State. But her challenger in the 2022 election was, and apparently still is, notorious batshit crazy MAGA election denying conspiracy theorist Kari Lake, who believes that she is the rightful winner to the election that put Katie Hobbs into office, and has been attempting to overturn the election in the same way that Wiley Coyote tries to catch the Road Runner, and it’s the stuff of pure insanity.

[font size="4"]Hobbs [/font]

Katie Hobbs is the actual governor of Arizona. And she’s done a huge turn around on that state, even though the state legislature is heavily dominated by MAGA election denying conspiracy theorists who would happily give her the boot if they so could. But just like any state right now, the 3 ring political circus that’s going on is absolutely fierce. And it’s not going away any time soon. in fact it’s getting worse and it’s making things crazier and that much more difficult to deal with. But it’s certainly a good thing that Arizona is currently a blue state and it’s only getting bluer. We need cooler heads to prevail like Hobbs right now.





Yeah good question! Now here’s where we say that every election is important. You have to vote for every available position. Don’t leave any box unchecked. Because apparently the state legislature in the Grand Canyon State attempted to make being homeless a crime. Come on, Arizona is the hottest state in the country temperature wise. Phoenix is a city that we love and visit frequently. And we can’t imagine that being homeless in a city with 110 degree temperatures is anything but easy.





[font size="4"]Lake [/font]

Oh, Kari, Kari, Kari, Kari, Kari. What are we going to do with you? Maybe we should pay homage to Stephen King and call her Carrie, because she’s that much of a blithering psychopath. You know she lost the 2022 election in an absolute landslide, and has been going to great lengths to overturn it much in the same way that Wiley Coyote is attempting to catch the Road Runner. Kari Lake’s MAGA credentials are strong. She’s a regular on Steve Bannon’s War Room. Gives regular interviews on OAN and Newsmax, and is frequently seen at Mar-A-Lago , apparently competing with Marjorie Three Names in an effort to be Trump’s VP nominee. Gee, who’d want that position? But yeah apparently after the first trial, there’s a new claim being made.





Yeah unless the judge is a MAGA and watches the same news networks you do, don’t expect this trial any time soon. But since we can’t deal with this blithering psychopath at the governor level, what about the senate level? That’s right – Kari is apparently planning to apply to run for Senate. So come on, after a year and a half of election denial? Are you going to throw in the proverbial towel just like that? Well, after all that election denial, if one outcome doesn’t go your way, how about another? You just can’t keep a good troll down.





[font size="4"]And the idiot is: [/font]

Oh come on, you didn’t think it was going to be Hobbs did you? It’s Lake by a long, long, ridiculously long mile!

[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

When we come back on the 9th, it’s going to be a battle for Gulf supremacy as we pit Texas’ Greg Abbott against Illinois' J.B. Pritzker!



[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]Dirty Honey[/font]

Folks, my next guest are an amazing new band from Los Angeles, their second album is called “Can’t Find The Brakes”. It comes out Nov. 3rd. You can see them on tour just about everywhere through Dec. 16th. Playing the title track “Can’t Find The Brakes”, give it up for Dirty Honey!



Thank you very much Lexington! This was fun! We’ll be back again soon! We’re taking a short break next week, we’ll be back on Nov. 9th beginning our countdown to the end of the year! See you in two weeks!

Credits

Host: Initech
Dirty Honey Appears Courtesy Of: Dirt Records
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: Comedy Off Broadway, Lexington, KY
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

October 12, 2023

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #15-9: You Can't Do That In Congress Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #15-9: You Can’t Do That In Congress Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yooooooooooooooooooo!!!! What’s up, Tempe? It is good to be back in Arizona! How you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! This was the edition we didn’t think was going to happen. It was originally supposed to be in Barcelona if you can believe that, but we had a falling out with our host venue and the event got canceled. We will be going back to Europe next year, that you can be sure of. We’ve even been floating the idea of going to Brazil next year at some point. But then we were supposed to have this show in New York City but the floods happened this last week and the authorities basically said “you can’t come here for now”. We will also be back to NYC at some point. Thankfully our friends at the Tempe Improv came through for us, so give them a big round of applause! Also too, don’t forget that this weekend, we have Season 2 episode 1 of Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons. Yes after many delays, we are proud to finally launch the second season of our spinoff series! And yes, last week, I forgot. So sue me. Do we have time for the thing? OK look people, there’s one thing if you’re traveling with your dog or your cat on a flight. But I will tell you what’s not a pet – rats and otters. Yes, I have heard of rats as pets, but come on, let’s face it – they don’t belong on airplanes. No, I don’t care if I am being discriminatory here. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha! Right, amphibious rodent! Appreciate the Big Lebowski reference! But this was a real story out of Vietnam where a woman brought a rat and an otter onto a plane and they got loose and caused panic among the passengers on that flight. Yeah get these motherfucking rats off this motherfucking plane! Another great reference, thank you! So yeah people don’t bring animals like that on planes because things could and definitely will go horribly, horribly wrong. Yes, Animals On A Plane! That’s the next logical sequel! OK enough of the intro, but we are happy to announce that John Oliver is back! Yay!!! And this week he delves into the topic of homeschooling, or homescholing, as the famous meme puts it:



Holy shit, we take a week off and Congress goes to hell. Not like it hasn’t been there already, but still… holy shit! In the number one slot this week, we have to talk about the MAGA Coup (1) in Congress initiated by Matt Gaetz (Q – Sex Offender) against Kevin McCarthy and guess what? It succeeded, and it’s way crazier than you would ever expect! In the second slot this week, we’re going to predict who the next Speaker Of The House is, and yeah there’s a lot of super cringy suggestions coming from the right, and yes, there’s also that bizarre theory being floated in right wing conspiracy theory circles about Asshole 45 possibly becoming the next speaker. Blech. In the number 3 slot this week, speaking of Asshole 45, we have to talk about his trial going on in New York City right now, and he’s basically just the whiny baby sitting at the end of the table, which is pretty pathetic if you ask us. And in the number 4 slot, when Asshole 45 (4) comes to my hometown, you can bet your ass that we have to cover it, and his speech was absolute insanity. People paid money for this. WTF. In the number 5 slot this week, is Vladimir Putin (5). So if you saw Stephen Colbert this week, he mentioned that he was among some 400 people who simply got banned from ever getting to visit Russia. And if we’re somehow on that list, we’re OK with that. Fuck you Putin! In the number 6 slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” (6) and this week, people call MAGA a cult, but you ever wonder why they’re so cult like? It’s because cults of personality are very complicated and they come in lots of flavors. You’d be surprised! In the number 7 slot, we have a new edition of our segment that explores never-ending corporate greed in Late Stage Capitalism (7) and this week, the WGA strike is finally over, but the SGA strike is still going on. What’s next? It’s complicated! In the number 8 slot is our segment exploring the never ending world of online tin foil hat nuttery in Conspiracy Corner (8), and this last Thursday, there was a test of the National Emergency Alert System, and your phones probably went off the same as everybody’s. But did you know that it was all part of an evil scheme to activate the 5G microchips and initiate a zombie apocalypse through the Marburg virus? Yeah we didn’t either, and they would have got away with it too, if… ah, fuck it. This is too weird to even Scooby Doo. In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week we have a new “I Need A Drink”, and the numbers from last week’s Chiefs – Jets game are in – the game was a ratings winner by a huge margin! And not because people were actually interested in football, they were tuning in because Taylor Swift was in the audience! And the numbers are even more insane than you could ever possibly imagine! Hey Taylor, you mind attending our show the next time we’re in New York? We’ll comp you! Finally this week, it’s time for Round 2 of our new segment My Governor Is An Idiot (10) and this week we’re pitting Colorado governor Jared Polis against Montana’s body slamming governor Greg Gianforte. Advantage Polis! Plus to cap things off, we have some live music from the great Sleep Token! Buy their album "Take Me Back To Eden" or you are no friend of this program! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

Ed. Note: We are *NOT* going to cover the horrifying events going on in Israel at least for the time being. The official stance of the Top 10 is that we firmly stand with President Joe Biden against the evil Hamas organization. We are currently attempting to sort fact from fiction and misinformation and will act accordingly. We also do not make fun of any events that are too horrifying to make fun of. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming!

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[font size="8"]House Republicans
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Holy fucking shit. I honestly have to admit that I didn’t see this one coming. I mean seriously, I didn’t see it coming. And I called when the House of Infowars first met at the beginning of the year that it was going to be a long two years, didn’t I? Yeah one guy in the front row is like “WOOOOO!!!”. But seriously, who had “Kevin McCarthy getting fired” on their 2023 MAGA Bingo Card? You? You? You? Hey we’ve got a bingo! Yes, while we were putting together last week’s edition, Matt Gaetz (Q – Florida Man) filed the notion to simply fire House Speaker Kevin McCarthy (Q – Batshit). I got to admit that I honestly didn’t see that one coming. But get a couple of professional shit stirrers together and you have a potential powder keg waiting to go off. And last week it did. And in absolutely hilarious fashion, I have to give it to the House Dems who didn’t vote to keep McCarthy as speaker despite the fact that the right wing begged and pleaded them to. That’s what you get for calling us child molesters and groomers, you bunch of psychos. Well, anyway, here’s more.





Yeah where’s Bugs Bunny when you need him? Yeah so the Infowars Caucus decided that McCarthy wasn’t MAGA enough for his tastes and decided to give him the heave ho that he so richly deserves, but what they weren’t counting on was that 217 democrats voted against him! Hey MAGAs, that’s what you get for calling us child molesters and groomers for 8 years. Payback is a biyatch, ain’t it? But while we’re relishing in the Big Payback (apologies to the late, great James Brown), it could have serious consequences not having a speaker. Especially with the escalating violence in the Middle East and particularly, the current Isreal – Hamas conflict. It’s going to get ugly.





Oh silly Ken, you’re not going to come to an agreement on who the new speaker is. This is what happens when you replace facts with conspiracy theories and you elect the loudest and stupidest people in this room, or any room for that matter! The GOP are currently being held hostage by a minority of deranged lunatics. Gaetz, Boebert, Greene, Higgins, Luna, and Hageman are all part of that problem. And in case you’re wondering – why yes, McCarthy did throw his hat into the ring to come back as the speaker. I mean hey it’s worth a shot, right?





Ha ha ha ha ha… oh silly Ken, you know this isn’t going to be solved by depriving people of things like food and bathroom breaks. And what’s even more baffling is that this is the first time the ruling party voted to oust a speaker since 1864. Let that sink in! Not since the fucking Civil War has the ruling party in the House been in such disarray that they fired their own fucking speaker! So when I say that this is the worst Congress ever, I mean just that. It’s only getting worse too! We can’t fire these clowns and end this Fox News sponsored shit show fast enough! I wouldn’t trust these idiots to run a Waffle House at this rate!






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[font size="8"]Who’s The Next Speaker?
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So for this entry, we’re going to play a game here. As we’re going live, on October 12th, 2023, we still don’t have a speaker of the house. And it’s when we need one because we need to know which course of action to take as the evil Hamas launched that absolutely gruesome, unfathomable, and absolutely horrifying attack on Israel that if escalated, could put the entire world into World War III before we know it. But that’s neither here nor there. Yeah that’s a good question – what are we going to call this game, you might ask? I’m going for a deep cut on this one and using a show that was popular when I was a kid called “You Can’t Do That On Television”. But let’s change it to “You Can’t Do That In Congress”. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh man… can you imagine Marjorie Greene getting slimed live on C-Span? Gotta love it! in case you’re wondering, just like the 2024 presidential election, there’s a long list of clowns entering the proverbial clown car. Let’s start with the rumored favorite – Ohio rep. Jim Jordan, yes that Jim Jordan. Could he be the speaker with all of the skeletons in his closet and his ongoing criminal trials? Not according to the current House rules.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! It’s absolutely disgusting how low the GOP has sunk since Trump took over that party. Like none of these clowns are qualified to run the House. They’re not even qualified to run a Waffle House. At least their servers serve you professionally and don’t give you attitude and show you dick pics while you’re trying to order the #5 breakfast special. Oh my freaking god! Can we label that one NSFW please? Much better. So that’s Jim Jordan. Behind door #2 – Steve Scalise. Yes, that Steve Scalise, the guy who went hard MAGA after getting shot at a baseball game. That Steve Scalise.





Yeah holy fucking shit. That’s the guy that they want to be the next speaker? A Steve Scalise win would mean that the Alex Jones wing of the GOP would have total control over the House. And this House is already filled with a ton of conspiracy theory lunatics out there, and this would give them fuel for the fire to enact their wildest fantasies come true. Expect two more years of Hunter Biden investigations and attempted Biden impeachments. Holy fucking shit. I need a drink No, we’re not doing I Need A Drink right now, not yet. But in case you’re wondering if the Trump bump helps, the answer, thankfully, is a resounding no.





Yeah so those who want Trump’s help should know that his help doesn’t mean much anymore, and we all know that those who aided in the insurrection shouldn’t be allowed to serve as the speaker, hell they shouldn’t even be in Congress. All of these clowns should be in prison, and so should Trump. The propaganda is protecting these assholes. And there’s absolutely no such thing as “David Duke without the baggage”. If you even compare yourself to David Duke, you’ve got baggage. Steve, you’re a racist fuckwad. Admit it and get over yourself. But this proves just how broken the GOP is, and it’s not getting fixed any time soon. Get used to the shit show.






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[font size="8"]The Trial Of Donald J. Trump
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Seriously, does anyone remember that brief period in between when the Insurrection happened on January 6th and Trump’s second impeachment trial when he got banned from social media for threatening to murder people via PM? Yeah I miss those times. We are unfortunately back to pre-2016 levels of Trump saturation in the news media when we have to hear every stupid, hateful, shitty thing that comes out of his garbage mouth. You know what they say – garbage in, garbage out. And it’s ultimately going to be Trump’s garbage in, garbage out lifestyle that does him in. Oh I can’t wait for that day when the Alex Joneses and Sean Hannitys of the world accuse the Deep State of using a heart attack gun on him. I mean seriously, how has Trump not been the victim of a massive coronary yet? All those Big Macs and hate watching Fox 24 hours a day can’t be good for you. But anyway this week has been the trial of Donald J. Trump, and it’s every bit of a shit show as you might expect. But I can already hear the great John Lithgow saying “YOU ARE SO GUILTY YOU STUPID MAN!!!” in the background.





Hoooooooooooooooooooooly shit! He legit had to be told that he shouldn’t try to give special favors to any of the jury members. You just know he’s sitting in his high chair at Mar-A-Shithole and trying to come up with ways to derail this trial any way he can. And by the way, can we straight talk about this picture of him sitting at the trial? He really looks like a two year old whose parents told him that he can’t have a new toy, doesn’t he? Also, why is the attorney sitting next to him using an Asus ROG laptop? A gaming laptop at a trial? Guess she couldn’t wait to play World Of Warcraft once they adjourned for the day, right? Just… what the fuck. And we’re not even getting to his shit about Mar-A-Lago yet. He has a thing with overinflating sizes though.





His attorneys got attorneys. It’s a trial within a trail! Trialception? Ha ha ha ha ha ha! But like any fraudster or abuser, Trump’s got enablers. And his enablers of course are his talk show host overlords like Sean Hannity, Alex Jones, and so on. Well, Alex Jones got called to Georgia to testify in the ongoing hearings of his role in Trump’s inner circle. Hey wait a minute, does this mean that the devil really went down to Georgia? We are having way too much fun with this one in case you can’t tell! But of course, Alex Jones being the utterly disgusting, bloviating piece of shit that he is, is always a piece of shit.





Yeah so Alex Jones is a colossal piece of shit, but we all already knew that. I mean come on this is a guy who heckled the parents of murdered children out of existence while he profited and then went bankrupt because they sued his sorry ass. But how does he factor into the latest Clustertrump? It’s complicated. But one thing we do know for certain is that this trial isn’t going anywhere. It’s just getting started! Yup, expect to see the media circus that follows Trump everywhere he goes 24 hours a day, 7 days a week again. Fuck. I hate this timeline.






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[font size="8"]Trump Goes To Disneyland [br] [/font] [br]

You know, we stopped covering Trump’s idiot rallies after COVID because you know what? He literally goes from town to town in the middle of nowhere and says the same stupid shit at every single rally he goes to. But when he has a pit stop in my hometown of Anaheim, California, we have to cover that shit, because it was some next level crazy. I know people who paid $600 to go watch him barf his brain over a lunch of pre-made boxed sandwiches. Which one, is a step above luke-warm Big Macs served over a heat lamp that failed inspection. And two, it also makes me question why I’m still friends with them because yeah… this political climate in this country is absolutely insane. And where do we start with this one? I know – do we really need a guy who’s been convicted of 91 felony counts and indicted 4 times to lecture us about law and order? The answer to that is a resounding: HELL FUCKING NO ! Get out of here with that shit, Donnie!





Thank you Walter! Seriously, this is why republicans keep getting their asses handed to them time and time again in elections is because they just make shit up. Does Donny know this state or is he just letting right wing talk show hosts fill his head with garbage? I’m guessing it’s just the latter. And by the way, you ever wonder why the hell Donny doesn’t give his speeches in major cities and has them out in the middle of nowhere instead? Because he’s not allowed in major cities! And here’s the thing, if the GOP is trying to distance themselves from this raving lunatic, they sure aren’t doing a very good job.





Whoa, whoa, whoa! Back the fuck up!!! Right now!!! Women were kissing a cardboard cutout of that bloviating asshole? What the fuck??? I don’t mean to kink shame… oh fuck it, I am kink shaming here – what the absolute fuck is wrong with you people? This isn’t a game or a reality show here. I’ve always wondered what the hell do people see in this guy? Well he’s a criminal whoremongerer so there is that going for him. And of course, Trump continues his bullshit about mail in ballots and rails on how he thinks the 2020 election was rigged. I mean come on, it’s been 3 years. Fucking let it go already! Oh wait, he doesn’t do that sort of thing!





Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Gotta love it. But yeah we can’t get out of here without talking about the protests. In case anyone was wondering, yes, I did drive down to the convention center to check out the scene, and it was wild. One thing, again, we cannot let a 4 times indicted, 91 felony charged career criminal lecture us about law and order. Fuck that asshole. But one thing we can always count on is that both sides showed up in full force in Anaheim to support and also run the orange asshole out of my fair city. But with the amount of people who I know that went to this convention, I’m really starting to think I need to find a new place to live.






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[font size="8"]Vladimir Putin
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Last I checked, the War In Ukraine is still a thing, sadly, with Vladimir Putin getting his ass handed to him on an almost daily basis. So if you’re the world’s premiere warlord, and you’re attempting to strike fear in the hearts of your enemies, what do you do? Well, if you’re premiere warlord Vladimir Putin, you exercise some authoritarianism and start banning some folks. Well, who gets banned, you might be asking? And I answer you, good sir or madam – you start banning people who might be critical of your people. We all know that that guy who we inexplicably used to call president, Donald J. Trump is one of Vladimir Putin’s people. A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Yeah, I could totally see that as one of those special interest stories. Vladimir Putin’s People. So who’s critical of that guy? Well, you have talk show hosts like Stephen Colbert, John Oliver, Jimmy Kimmel, and then you have political opponents like Adam Schiff, Gavin Newsom, and Hillary Clinton, and then you have actors like Sean Penn and Ben Stiller. And for some strange reason, they left Jimmy Fallon off the list.





Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Yeah why do you have to ban Ben Stiller, Putin? What did he ever do to you? Oh wait it’s because he’s Jewish, right? I should have guessed. It always comes back to Nazism with this crowd. With the amount of entries on this program we’ve shit talked Vladimir Putin with, especially in the last year since the War In Ukraine started. But here’s the thing. 1, we can’t go to Russia even if we wanted to. We have sanctions and Aeroflot hasn’t flown here since COVID. And 2, really, why would anyone want to give money to tyrannical war mongerers?





See? We can joke about that kind of thing here! Because last I checked, America is still the land of the free, and Russia is the land of… whatever the exact opposite of freedom is. They even banned Joe Biden from visiting. I mean come on, what kind of shithole country bans heads of state out of spite? Oh wait, the country that’s bullying its’ next door neighbor through a war that neither side will win just to have a penis measuring contest with the rest of the world, that’s who. But hey there’s plenty of other countries who would welcome our hard earned tourist and head of state dollars. They even banned Barbie! I mean come on!





Yeah so when the biggest movie of 2023 and one of the biggest movies so far this decade gets banned from Russia, what do you do? Well, if you’re Russian and you want to see the hottest new flick, you go underground. That’s right – while Russia may be banning political figures, bands, actors, politicians and hit movies from entering the country, that still isn’t stopping the people from going to see it. Because we will not be ruled by a megalomaniacal, tyrannical, bloodthirsty dictator, OK? Yeah you can keep your bans, but it will not stop the will of the people!






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit: Cults Of Personality
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know, this week, we’re going to do a bit of investigative reporting here. Too often, especially lately, we’ve been accused of calling out the GOP and MAGA for being a cult, and without any evidence to back it up. Well, this week, we’ve got evidence. And it’s all not exactly what one would call “good”. It’s definitely against supporters of the unholy Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name dare NOT be spoken in my church! But today, my friends, we’re going to answer the question – why is the GOP so cult like? And the answer may surprise you. Most cults aren’t just one major cult, they’re usually a collection of smaller cults with even more fervent followers. And cults come in many different forms as well, and can usually be tailored to your level of insanity. But you know before we go any further, let’s first define what a cult of personality is. A cult of personality is one that is defined through a leader and media manipulation through targeted propaganda. Sound familiar?





You know that’s one thing about modern MAGA conservatives is that they think that they want a rock star president. But the one thing about cults of personality is that they don’t just “appear” out of thin air overnight. This was a creation. This was the product of 50 years of heavily one sided propaganda. It’s been at least one or maybe two generations since Rush Limbaugh first started infecting the airwaves and it was manifested on Fox News and mutated on the dark corners of the internet. So it’s not just Trump who’s the ring leader. As we’ve seen with past cults, every cult leader has enablers and they all allow the cult leader to get away with abuses of power.





And therein lies the problem with the modern GOP – they did just that. They saw how successful President Obama was in getting his message out to the people, and that they showed up and showered him with praise when he held rallies. The Dark One, on the other hand, attempted that, only to discover that a small handful of people want to hear a deranged, old white male spout the same white supremacist internet conspiracies they’ve heard a thousand times. But one thing we know about authoritarian cults is that they never end well.





But that’s the thing with cults – they don’t worship a deity, they worship the leader. And the leader is all knowing and all powerful. It doesn’t take a religious scholar, or even an armchair religious scholar, to figure this one out. And I’m not even going to point out the irony of the fact that a group of people who claim to despise tyranny want to be ruled by an authoritarian dictator. But despite the fact authoritarian cults never end well, what about getting their leader out of power and into prison? The Dark One is an indicted felon 91 times over. What’s it going to take to finally bring him down?





Yes, because they’re all worshipping the unholy Dark One! It’s going to take a lot to bring down a cult leader, but we are confident that it can be done! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Late Stage Capitalism: The End Of The Strike
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Top 10 Conservative Idiots Presents:

“Greed, for lack of a better word, is good.” – Gordon Gekko, Wall St. (1987)

When corporate profits are at an all time high, there is nowhere else to go but to make more millions.

There is corporate greed, and then there is:



Welcome back to our segment on the relentless pursuit of never-ending corporate greed, Late Stage Capitalism! Sure, it’s not enough to make $50 billion, you need $150 billion! You need to be able to tank entire countries while you jet off in your penis-shaped rocket to the vast emptiness of deep space! Well it finally happened, folks! Our long, national nightmare is finally over! I’m of course talking about the WGA strike. Now as we are airing this segment, the SAG strike is still going on. So as our entertainment starts slowly returning, we have to remind you that excessive corporate greed, and in particular, CEO greed, is still very much a real thing. The WGA strike has ended, but the SAG strike is still ongoing, so what does that mean for the intermediate future of Hollywood? Well, it’s complicated. So what did the writers get out of the deal? Well the contract has yet to be released to the general public, but it was definitely met with some great enthusiasm. And it’s definitely a win for the side of labor, because we definitely need some!





Yeah so it basically all comes down to money, and the more we take out of our billionaire CEO masters’ pockets, the better! And yes, I admit that I was wrong about not getting to see our favorite shows anytime soon. I have to say that having shows like Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Kimmel and John Oliver back has been very refreshing out of a sea of Fox-ified garbage news programs out there. So you might be wondering now that the seemingly never ending strike has been settled, what comes next? Well, it’s not so much just keeping the writers on staff, it’s keeping them happy. While the billionaires bleed us dry and get richer off of us, the need to keep people happy and productive is definitely a challenge in the post-COVID era.





So now that the WGA strike is over and we’re finally seeing things get back to normal on the talk show circuit, what about the other half of the equation? The actors? Yes, the SAG strike is still a thing. Hell, it seems like everyone’s on strike these days. In 2023, so far, we’ve had the WGA strike, the SAG strike, the UPS strike, Kaiser Permanente is on strike, Southwest Airlines pilots are going on strike, the UAG is on strike, the list goes on and on. But again, all of these have one thing in common: they’re all products of the economic policy that’s failed us for the last 50 years: trickle down economics. And if that SCOTUS decision, Moore V US, goes through, things will get that much worse. So get used to rolling strikes and labor disputes, they’re going to be with us for a long time!





Yeah so hopefully SAG doesn’t fall into the same trap as the WGA strike did. I think there were plenty of lessons learned there. But again, we say this with the utmost sincerity – this all is the end result of a policy that has failed the United States for 50 years – trickle down economics. It is an utter failure and it screws over the working class while enriching the people who have more money than the rest of us will ever see in a lifetime. If we ever want to see real change in this country, we have to start going after the real criminals in this equation – the CEOs.






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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. Ah, there we go! They are trying to read yours and my thoughts after all! This Wednesday, you may have seen an alert on your phone that was a test of the National Emergency Alert System. Everyone’s phones went off at the same time. Can you imagine that interrupting a school play or a lecture for a minute? Well apparently according to online conspiracy theorists, there was a much more sinister and evil application for the use of the NEAS. Did you know that it was all a test to activate the 5G microchips that were implemented in us through use of the COVID vaccines?





Yeah… think about it… zombies. They think that the FEMA emergency test was a way to activate a zombie apocalypse! See… it’s all connected! And this is the kind of story that this segment was born for, because online conspiracy theorists are a bunch of fucking insane lunatics who have way too much free time on their hands. Come on, guys. It’s way past time to put down the bong and back away from the computer very slowly, because you full blown crazy. But it doesn’t just stop at zombies. Apparently they also feared that it unleash another pandemic on us, in the form of the brain-eating Marburg virus.





Yeah seriously, remember the good old days when conspiracy theories revolved around zombies, Bigfoot, UFOs, and maybe the Kennedy Assassination? And you knew that those people had a screw loose or two? Yeah we miss those days. And of course in the day and age of social media, it always starts with just one Facebook post that gets reposted 1,000,000 times and eventually people start believing it, it’s truly insane to watch just how quickly misinformation spreads in the digital age. But the key ingredient that the conspiracy theorists are saying is what is going to activate the Marburg Virus, is something called “graphine oxide”. Which was used in the testing phase of the vaccine, but doesn’t translate to the final product. SMDH.





It’s so easy to fuck with internet conspiracy theorists, isn’t it? Because they believe the dumbest, most out there shit. Whether it’s flat earth, or bees aren’t real, or birds are a deep fake – yes I have heard this one. But if you believe even one conspiracy theory, no matter how batshit off the wall insane and removed from reality it is, you’re likely to believe all of them. So if you believe that the earth is flat or that JFK Jr survived his plane crash and is going to reveal himself at the site in Dallas where his father was assassinated, chances are pretty good that you’ll believe that the 5G microchip inserted into every vial of COVID-19 vaccine is going to be the cause of a zombie apocalypse. The truth is out there!






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
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Hey everyone, I don’t know about you, but I could really use a drink!



So of course, you know by now that the idea behind this segment is that we have some drinks, and while we are drinking, we talk about literally anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. As I keep saying, there’s a lot of really dark shit in the news right now, and sometimes the only solution is to say “fuck it”, go to the bar, grab a glass of your favorite beverage, and wait for this whole thing to simply blow over. Only rules we got in this bar – no fighting, no cussing, and no politics. Some mild swearing is allowed, as long as it’s never at someone. We do allow the occasional “fuck off!”. Don’t worry, my sober brothers and sisters, we got ya covered too! Just grab a glass of your favorite coffee, tea, or energy drink and get wired with us! So this week, Taylor Swift is once again dominating the headlines. Not for music, but apparently the Taylorverse is much bigger than her albums would suggest! Tell me, bartender, what goes well with a story about Taylor Swift and football? The Lover Cocktail? What’s in that? Uh… no thanks, I’ll stick with my usual Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. I call it the Double Jack. So the NFL is getting a huge ratings boost, but for one specific team. That team happens to be the Kansas City Chiefs, and for reasons other than football. Why? Because Taylor Swift happens to be dating Chiefs linebacker Travis Kelce. And her presence at last week’s Chiefs and Jets game caused some absolutely bizarre things to happen to the ratings. Here’s more.





Holy shit!!! Let’s think about this here. So just the presence of Taylor at the Chiefs game conjured up a ratings goldmine. And from groups that normally wouldn’t give a shit about a regular Monday night game between last year’s champions and this year’s… well, whatever the opposite of being a champion is. Maybe the Jets can swap notes with the Angels. Yeah my team sucks, what can I say? And by the way, it’s not just the ratings, either. Travis Kelce just became the most sought after merchandise of any player in the NFL. By like a huge margin!





Yes, we can’t wait until these hit eBay next year and they sell for $50 and people paid thousands for them. We’re calling it right now. And by the way, conspiracy theorists, we won’t even get to the fact that Travis Kelce is doing commercials for Pfizer yet. We’ll save that shit for another segment. So the Chiefs got a huge ratings boost and Travis Kelce merchandise is quite literally flying off the shelves faster than they can stock it. To which we say, hey Taylor, you want to hang out with us? Don’t worry, we’re friendly, and we’ll get you and your crew comped! So the Chiefs have probably got to be loving this.





So while the Kansas City Chiefs are having a day getting that extra boost from Taylor Swift and her wild army of crazy fans, some of the other teams in the NFL aren’t exactly having any of it. One team in particular has been very vocal about the presence of Ms. Swift at NFL games, and that team in particular is her hometown team and her original NFL favorite, the Philadelphia Eagles. And cornerback Darius Slay, wants a Chiefs and Eagles rematch. And he wants the Eagles to be undefeated in order to get to the Super Bowl. Oh come on, if this is a dream scenario, at least be somewhat realistic here!






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[font size="8"]My Governor Is An Idiot Round 2: Polis V Gianforte
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Welcome back to our segment that’s putting America’s governors in a competition to see who the best and worst governor in the country is – My Governor Is An Idiot! Yes, this competition was inspired by a bumper sticker we see way too often in my home state of California. Last week, we pit Michigan governor Gretchen Whitmer against Arkansas governor Sarah Sanders! And the conclusion that we reached? Maybe it’s me, but I think I’d rather have the governor that wants to give kids school lunch, vs the governor that wants to give kids shitty factory jobs in terrible working conditions for no or very little pay and benefits. Yeah because that’s how we roll around here. This week, we’re putting Montana’s body slamming governor Greg Gianforte against Colorado governor Jared Polis! Let’s get ready to rumble!

[font size="4"]Gianforte [/font]

So in case anyone forgot, Greg Gianforte body slammed his way into fame back in 2017 when a reporter asked him questions about what he plans to do about health care for the Big Sky State. And yes, if you’re a long time viewer of this program, you know that we’ve made fun of Gianforte a lot on this program since that incident. And I do mean a lot. And we’re not surprised in the least that he was endorsed by a guy who’s appeared on WWF specials in the past. But that’s neither here, nor there. We’re here to find out if Gianforte is really an idiot or not. Well, in case you’re wondering how strong his MAGA credentials are, he passed some seriously draconian anti-LGBT and especially anti-trans legislation, which his openly gay son has been actively lobbying against. And he wants to strengthen them. This is some evil shit!





And by the way, in case you’re wondering, Gianforte isn’t even from Montana. He’s actually from Pennsylvania. And he only got to be governor by pandering to the religious right crowd. Which if you can command that crowd, getting elected to any office you want is like shooting fish in a barrel. It’s insane how much more cult-like the GOP has become since 2016 and it’s only getting crazier. But moving to Montana and running for office is a smart move if you’re a hardcore Christian nationalist. Montana’s definitely got themselves a problem and it’s not getting resolved with this guy at the helm.





[font size="4"]Polis [/font]

Colorado shocked the world in 2012 when it flipped from being a hard red state to a blue state, and since then it’s only got that much bluer with every presidential election. Yes, the biggest and loudest idiot in the entire state, Lauren Boebert, commands Colorado’s largest district. And the governor of the state that’s the home of the Great American Beer Festival, the Colorado Avalanche, the Colorado Rockies, and the Denver Nuggets certainly hasn’t been without his challenges. In fact, much like Gianforte’s infamous body slamming scandal, Polis is also wrapped up in a scandal of his own and it’s not going away any time soon.





So yeah Polis has a bit of a money scandal going on but that’s really about it. Now here’s where Polis and Gianforte differ – guns. Montana loves themselves some firearms. Hell, the guy who’s running against Gianforte on the democratic ticket in 2024 is a guy who was a former firearms executive turned firearms safety advocate. Yeah that shows you how entwined Montana is with the firearm. Colorado loves them some guns too, especially up in the mountains. But Colorado’s definitely working to make some strides in gun safety in spite of the 2A absolutionists. So Jared Polis does have that going for him!





[font size="4"]And The Idiot Is: [/font]

Man this was a hard one because both governors have their issues, but we’re definitely going to say that MAGA body slammer Gianforte is the clear idiot here! Maybe also a psychopath too!

[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

Next week it’s a battle for Beltway supremacy as Virginia governor Glenn Youngkin takes on North Carolina governor Roy Cooper! Is Virginia for lovers? Only one way to find out!



[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]Sleep Token [/font]



Folks, my next guest just finished a huge tour in support of their excellent new album "Take Me Back To Eden"! You can see them next year at the Sick New World festival in Las Vegas, Apr. 27th! Playing their song "The Summoning", give it up for Sleep Token!



Thank you Tempe! And a big, huge shout out to the folks at the Tempe Improv for that last minute addition! We owe you guys big! We’re off to Traverse City, Michigan next week with the famous Wheel Of Corruption! See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Sleep Token Appear Courtesy Of: Spinefarm Recordings
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: Tempe Improv, Tempe, AZ
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Mastodon at: Top10ConIdiots@mstdn.party
Follow The Holy Church Of The Top 10 On Mastodon at: churchoftop10@mstdn.party
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

October 8, 2023

Top 10 Conservative Idiots Presents: Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons S2 E1: Youth Pastors Gone Wild

Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons Season 2 Episode 1: Youth Pastors Gone Wild

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! We are coming back and ready to reboot our spinoff show where we recap all of the craziest things that the holiest of us are saying. Because we always feel that they say some absolutely ridiculous shit and there’s nobody to call them out on it. Well we’re here to do just that. Now, before we dive into this thing, I want to make the rules perfectly clear. We get accused of bashing Christianity a lot, but that's because we're American and the dominant religion in America is Christianity. But the truth is we leave no religion spared. The godliest among us in every religion seem to be trending towards evil instead of good and it's not just a uniquely American Christianity problem. But we have he MAGA Q nuts who worship the unholy, ungodly Dark One are not anything that we should currently be treating as “normal”. And of course, I refer to a man so foul, so profane and disgusting that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! With this in mind, we’re here to present to you our long running, award winning, segment Holy Shit with some expanded content!

In the number one slot this week, we’re going to present to you our sermon on when Youth Pastors Go Wild (1). Because the republican party is currently on a warpath against drag queens and trans men and women under the guise of “protecting children”. Meanwhile, there’s been hundreds, no, thousands of youth pastors being arrested for sex crimes. Watch out because it’s going to get real dark real quick! In the second slot, speaking of conservatives gone wild, we’re going to take a look at some strange dealings with the Chino Hills School Board – a city just up the freeway from us, and the megachurch pastor who’s making this cult-like school board a reality. Yeah this is some seriously sick, twisted and deranged stuff that the right is pulling right now. Finally, we’re going to answer your prayers from our free-form, anything goes segment where we dial up the Holy Shit Hotline To Heaven (3)! Enjoy! And as always don't forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know, I keep saying that we currently live in the darkest of times, and it’s probably only going to get darker. But this week, rather than rail on what’s in the news constantly, we’re going to do something a bit different. Supporters of the unholy, ungodly Dark One repeatedly make the claim that drag queens are attempting to sexualize our impressionable youth and also commit horrifying crimes while they’re not looking. Well, I got news for you. Of course, the Dark One is a man so foul, so profane and disgusting that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! So that being said, the flock, if you will, does everything they can to point out what the real issue is. They can point fingers and play the blame game all they want. While they’re pointing fingers at drag queens, the real problem is right under their noses. And they’re doing everything they can to protect themselves from the real problem. So we’re going to present to you a series of pastors and youth pastors getting arrested for sex crimes. And it’s going to get real dark real quick! Oh and the names will be omitted from these stories that follow, just to be on the safe side!





And yes, these are people who *SHOULD* feel bad about themselves. These are youth pastors, but they demean others because they are not Christian enough. And also, why am I not surprised in the least that this entry comes from Florida? It seems like anything goes in the Sunshine State. Oh, my fair congregation, I am here to tell you that this is not a uniquely Florida problem, either! It’s happening all over the country! In fact here’s one from Austin, Texas. Again, not a drag queen. And you know how we make jokes about someone having a hard drive or two of incriminating evidence? Well, it’s not so funny when they get caught!





And he’s also got some illegal accounts on some dark web sites that most people would need to use some browser filters that shall not be named for. Yes, we could do this all day, and in fact it’s the topic of our first brand new episode of Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons premiering this Sunday! Now here’s a story that comes out of Tennessee. Yes, again – we cannot emphasize this enough. This was not a drag queen that was arrested. Instead it was a traveling church speaker. Yes, churches invited this guy to speak at their churches. If he comes to your church – run!





Again, I need to emphasize – not a drag queen! And these are all stories that have happened in the last week or so. Don’t think this won’t be the last time we do this for this segment, either, my fair congregation, because we definitely will! Remember what I said earlier about this phenomenon happening all over the country? Well guess what? It’s happening all over the world! These are the people who want to legislate morality. Even my home state of California is not immune! Look, people, don’t hook up with minors! Don’t even attempt to hook up with minors! Just… no! And by the way, this particular minor happened to be an undercover cop, so… HA!






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit: Pray Vote Stand Recap
[br] [/font] [br]

Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know, I hate having to keep reminding you that we live in some extremely dark times right now. And lately we’ve been talking about the terrible situations that the MAGA cult leaders have been putting us in, regarding the future of America’s children. Last week, we railed on one MAGA cult leader in particular and that’s MAGA pastor Jack Hibbs of Chino Hills, California. But this week, with the annual Pray Vote Stand conference upon us, I can’t help but wonder the direction that the Unholy Dark One’s supporters plan to take this country in. Because with people like Jack Hibbs as the future of the Dark One’s GOP, things are going to get very dark very quickly, and there may not be a lot that commoners like us can do to stop it. Because these people do not worship GAWD or JAYSUS. No, they worship the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name dare NOT be spoken in my church! And his supporters really aren’t that much better, either.





Yes, the Chino Valley School Board is the devil in this picture here! And fuck these morons who are taking over our school boards and turning them into shit, by the way! But this also points out where the idea of pouring unlimited amounts of money into campaigns is not only an extremely terrible idea, but it can also go completely fuck up. Could you imagine the idea of a religious super PAC picking and choosing candidates to run for every office in the country? No way would I want these MAGA Taliban lunatics running the country.





But in case you’re wondering if the MAGAs couldn’t be any more cult like, just check out this clip of the MAGAs at the PVS summit. And not only does it feature a guest appearance from the Dark One himself, but it also features many of the Dark One’s minions like DeSantis and Ramaswamy. Those two are insane, but they do not hold a candle to the Dark One’s madness! But what do they mean when they say they are going to “protect the family”? Does that imply that they are the MAFIA? You gotta protect the family otherwise you’re gonna get the cement shoes!





Yeah can you just imagine how this is going to look to the holier than thou crowd if the Dark One shows up on the campaign trail without his 1st Lady at his side? Well of course his supporters would still fawn over him, I’m sure that many of the more bizarre female supporters of his would try to be first in line to be the new 1st Lady. And that’s a disturbing thought. But nevertheless, this is why you shouldn’t combine politics and church. For it does make for some very strange bedfellows, my fair congregation, and these are not exactly what one would call savory characters.






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[font size="8"]The Holy Shit Hotline To Heaven
[br] [/font] [br]



My fair congregation! Welcome back to our spinoff show. This is the part of every episode where we dial up the Holy Shit Hotline To Heaven! This is just a free form segment where we answer whatever is on your mind. If you want to contribute, hit us up on Mastodon at holychurchoftop10@mstdn.party. Don’t worry, we’re friendly folks around here. Don’t be shy! Plus this also gives us a chance to play some of the wacky clips that the religious right gives us on an almost daily basis. Because worshippers of the unholy, ungodly Dark One are clinically insane and they just get nuttier and crazier and far more cult like every single day. Let’s open it up and go to the hotline, shall we?

Garret J. from Queens, New York writes:

“Heavenly Father,

Why do my religious friends say in one breath that they want freedom, but in the next they say that they want the Dark One to rule us as a dictator for life?”

That is a good question, Brother Garret! And honestly we’re all quite dumbfounded by this one because freedom and tyranny mix much like olive oil and vinegar, or a submarine and carbon fiber. What? Was that too soon? Whatever. But they do seem to think that living under a tyrannical dictatorship would be fun, but they apparently have no idea what that would actually be like.



Dolores J. from Santa Fe, New Mexico writes:

“Heavenly Father,

Why does it seem like school boards are being taken over by idiots?”

Well, Sister Dolores, we really don’t have an explanation for that. We’ve been talking about it for the better part of a year now, and it seems like there’s no end in sight. Too often, school board candidates run unopposed. And they’re usually running for office to seek bigger and higher offices, like state representative or even the House. But if you want to get these people out of our school boards, you have to do your part and vote and vote in every single election! Leave no ballot box unchecked! Otherwise, the unholy Dark One and his minions win! But apparently it’s all part of the plan:



Richard J. from Green Bay, WI writes:

“Heavenly Father,

Why do right wing Christians talk and use language as if America is in a war to end all wars?”

Well, Brother Richard, it does seem like that, doesn’t it? And it’s something that we just can’t quite put our finger on.






Brittany K. from Knoxivlle, TN writes:

“Heavenly Father,

I saw your piece on youth pastors, it was brilliant! A youth pastor at my local church just got arrested for fondling a teenage parishioner. What’s it going to take to round up all of these freaks?”

Well thank you, Sister Brittany! Our piece on youth pastors getting arrested for sex crimes was very well received, and we’ve been getting a lot of compliments on it. And we’re doing this as a service. In fact if you want to know more, there’s plenty of resources out there, and we thank our good friends at r/PastorArrested for helping provide us with this information. If you know of someone committing this type of violence, definitely do not hesitate to contact the appropriate authorities. We will be back with more stories of youth pastors gone wild as the season advances. That you can be assured of! The sooner they all get caught, the sooner we’ll finally be free from them!

Paul H. from Portland, Oregon writes:

“Heavenly Father,

I recently found out that a pastor at a local church here attended and participated in the ReAwaken America tour, and I know a few people who attend that church. So why does it seem like I’m surrounded by people who support the Dark One?”

Well, Brother Paul, that’s a damn good question and there’s no answer it seems. And it seems like there’s no one area in this entire country that’s been immune from the sweeping propaganda and far right conspiracy theories that favor the unholy Dark One. But one thing we can answer is if you know anyone attending this wretched event, we suggest finding new friends!






Samantha F. from Paradise, Nevada writes:

“Heavenly Father,

How do my right wing religious friends have time to listen to so many podcasts? It’s insane!”

Sister Samantha, yes, you are correct that there’s so many out there. My best guess is that people are either really bored, or they just shut off conventional entertainment. We honestly don’t know either. But we can bring you some clips!










Thank you my fair congregation! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! We will return on Sunday, October 22nd with episode 2!

Credits

Host: Pastor Initech
Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons Recorded Live At: Constellation Room at Observatory OC, Santa Ana, CA
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Mastodon: top10conidiots@mstdn.party
Follow The Holy Church Of The Top 10 On Twitter: holychurchoftop10@mstdn.party
Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

September 28, 2023

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #15-8: Donnie's Got A Gun Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #15-8: Donnie’s Got A Gun Edition

Ed Note: Due to a scheduling conflict, the Top 10 is early today! Enjoy!

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! It’s just like your regular news site, but you won’t see links to related articles on what the 10 best pizza toppings are. And we won’t ask you to subscribe to our newsletter, either. Yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! What is up, Austin, Texas? It’s good to be back in Austin, it has been way too long! How are you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! We’ve got some fun stuff for you this week including the debut of our brand new segment – My Governor is An IDIOT! How cool is that? And it’s also good to finally be back on schedule after the hiccups we’ve been having since Labor Day. Don’t worry, the rest of our schedule is totally unaffected. So do we have time for the thing? Of course we do! Well here’s a bizarre story out of Florida that you may have heard about on your favorite podcast. And why am I not surprised in the least that this story is taking place in Florida, by the way? Well it all started when a mom in Gainesville took away her kids’ electronics as a punishment. Your typical grounding. Well, the typical response from the kids is to leave and go somewhere else, right? So the kids – a brother and sister – got in their parents’ car and drove 200 miles before they were eventually found by police. 200 miles. 200 miles. No matter how many times I say that, it sounds weird. At 10 years old. Shit, when I was 10 years I was trying to find the princess in Super Mario Bros. These kids are finding their way to California! Give them a GPS and some driving lessons. Damn! That’s truly insane! OK enough of the intro. The strike is over! Our favorite shows are coming back! Woohoo! But in the meantime while we’re waiting for Colbert and John Oliver to resume production, here’s Christopher Titus’ latest Armageddon Update and he blasts the party of “family values” after Boebert’s Beetlejuice fiasco:



So where do we begin this week? In the number one slot this week is Fox News (1). It’s the end of an era at the “We Report, You Decide” network as megalomaniacal warlord wannabe Rupert Murdoch is stepping down and leaving News Corp in the hands of his son Lachlan Murdoch. And the answer is no, Lachlan isn’t much better. In fact, he’s a full blown Nazi. Taking the second slot this week is MAGA Republicans (2). Fresh off last week’s attempted impeachment inquiry of Biden, despite having no evidence whatsoever, they’re attempting to shut down the government. Because they don’t want to actually do their jobs. Ugh, this is the worst Congress ever! In the number 3 slot is also the MAGA Qongress. Because the Ukraine War is still a thing, unfortunately, but the MAGA conspiracy theorist lunatics infecting Congress acted like the spoiled children they are when Ukraine president Volodymyr Zelensky visited the UN and the White House to plead for more war aid. In the number 4 slot this week is that guy who we used to inexplicably call president (4). So he had another one of his stupid rallies in a middle of nowhere South Carolina town, but he had a bizarre photo appearance at a gun shop, placating to his base. Wait, indicted criminal taking possession of a weapon… it sounds familiar, yet I can’t quite put my finger on it! Taking the fifth slot this week is the Senate. OK.. look, say what you want about the way that Pennsylvania senator John Fetterman dresses. But listening to both sides of the debate this week has been clinically insane! In the number 6 slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit”, and this week, we’ve had enough of MAGAs saying that drag queens are terrible for children, but youth pastors get a pass. So we’re going to play a game – drag queen or youth pastor? Hint: No drag queens have been arrested that we know of! In the number 7 slot this week, after his poll numbers and support keeps dwindling, we’re going to ask: “The Ron DeSantis Presidential Campaign: How Is This Still A Thing?”. In the number 8 slot this week is our weekly venture into the never ending world of online tin foil hat nuttery in Conspiracy Corner (8) and this week, you may have heard about a fighter jet that went missing from the Pentagon, and the theories floating about the internet have been absolutely wild. Phew. In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week, we have a new I Need A Drink (9). Yeah there’s more ridiculous fast food lawsuits in the works – first it was Burger King, now it’s McDonalds and Starbucks. Where does it end? Finally this week, it’s time for the debut of our brand new segment “My Governor Is An Idiot” (10)! We’re going on a search to find the best and worst governors in the country! This week it’s round 1 and we’re pitting Arkansas governor Sarah Sanders against Michigan governor Gretchen Whitmer! This is going to be great! And to cap things off, we have some live music from the legendary Arctic Monkeys! Go see their shows at the Kia Forum this weekend and buy their new album "The Car" or you're no friend of this program! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Rupert Murdoch Retires
[br] [/font] [br]

Well folks, it’s the end of an era. The king media terrorist himself, Rupert Murdoch – destroyer of governments, installer of dictators – is finally heading off into the sunset and leaving his son, Lachlan Murdoch, in charge of News Corporation. So why is he stepping down and leaving the company in the hands of his son? Well, for one thing, money. And it’s always about money, isn’t it? But he’s getting quite the sweet payday to ride off into the proverbial sunset. You might be wondering what’s going to happen to News Corp.? Well I answer you – it’s going to be the same as it’s always been, only this time with more far right authoritarian bordering on Nazi leanings. Yes, the people who installed Viktor Orban as supreme dictator of Hungary are now attempting to do the same thing in America. Only they are trying. But anyway with Rupert Murdoch now officially gone, it’s going to be interesting to see Fox in the hands of his son.





Yeah OK so he gets a nice $220 million payday while the rest of us get… peanuts. Gotta love trickle down economics, am I right? But there’s definitely more to Murdoch’s sudden retirement. But Murdoch, the ultimate media shock jock, is basically the plot of the hit HBO drama Succession. Like he may have technically stepped down from the company, but you just know he’s going to be pulling his son’s proverbial strings from now until the day he finally kicks the bucket. But if it looks like Fox News is moving in a more hardlined authoritarian direction, well, you’re definitely not wrong.





Yeah we can imagine that’s going to be Rupert Murdoch’s next course of business as he continues to pull the strings behind the scenes. Think of it like the Phantom Of The Opera. You don’t know he’s there until the very end when he reveals that he’s the one who everyone has been afraid of this whole time, you know, like some kind of fucked up Scooby Doo ending. But even people who work at Fox are stunned by this sudden announcement. But come on, really. Murdoch is 92 years old. How can this possibly be shocking to anyone? Well for those that actually know Murdoch, they are convinced that he’s possibly immortal.





Ha ha ha ha ha ha… I love it when Fox shows make fun of Fox. But in case you’re wondering what’s next for Fox and News Corp, well, it’s all up in the air. But right now, they’re leaning towards going full Nazi, and they’re convincing the Republican party that it’s OK to join them. Yeah we definitely see dictators in the future of the United States. But that’s neither here nor there. One thing is for absolute certain is that the News Corp hierarchy is a hotbed of nepotism. Like remember what we said about Succession? This is essentially succession in real life. You are watching Fox. We are watching Fox!






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[font size="8"]Government Shutdown Apocalypse

[br] [/font] [br]

So you thought last week’s attempted impeachment inquiry against Biden despite the fact that the MAGA Qongress has had zero evidence that an impeachment inquiry is warranted, other than it’s what their boss, Sean Hannity, wants? Oh you ain’t seen nothing yet, my friends! Rather than do their damn jobs, the MAGA Qongress is going to throw yet another temper tantrum, because they really are a bunch of spoiled children and simply shut down the government. Yes, the MAGA Qongress is like that kid you see screaming in Target because their parents won’t buy them a shiny new toy and they scream as loud as they can until the parents break down and do. That’s essentially what we are dealing with here as the threat of a possible shutdown lingers. But right now they’re doing everything they can to avoid a Fox News sponsored shut down. And yes, I blame Fox News and the right wing talk show sphere, any damage that results from this shutdown is entirely on them. These morons are the ones who claim democrats don’t do their jobs. Just… argh!!! Here’s more.





Yes, Kevin McCarthy, you suck. Any attempt to shut down the government and any damage that results from this is entirely on you. I hope you sleep easy at night, and your boss, Sean Hannity, gets a nice, big fat paycheck. Fuck both of you. Now that I got that off my chest, this latest attempt to shutdown the government could be majorly disastrous. HOW DISASTROUS IS IT? Well, my fair audience, it could have some serious long term consequences for this country. We’ve had nearly 200 days without entertainment because of the writer’s strike. Now we could have no functioning government. This is the worst Congress ever!





Yes, MAGA Qongress, you fucking suck. Fuck you, fuck Fox News, and fuck the people who vote for your sorry asses. This whole thing is criminally insane. And it could affect everything from air travel to social security, Medicare, hospitals, road construction, disaster response, you name it. I wish someone would say that to the members of the MAGA Qongress who are making this difficult for the rest of us. It’s all to please their talk show host overlords too. This is a Congress that is run by and for cable news, internet podcast, and AM radio conspiracy theory hosts. And none of this is what one would call “good”. In fact, it could be really bad.





Well the good news is that it looks like both parties are trying to do everything they can to avoid a complete shutdown… for now. When it comes around in November, again, we shall see. And like I keep saying we’ve only been through the shit that the Qongress is putting this country through, for 7 months now. And it just keeps getting worse. And while we 100% agree with Biden on this one, it’s really the only way to prevent future shutdowns and the other madness these Qlowns are doing. But good luck convincing them to turn off their boss, Sean Hannity. If you want to get the GOP to actually do their jobs, just take away their damn talk shows.






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[font size="8"]MAGA Republicans

[br] [/font] [br]

Well, the Ukraine war is still a thing, unfortunately. And regardless of how you feel about the war, we can all agree that the reception that the conservatives have given Ukraine upon being invaded was completely appalling and totally beyond the pale. But that’s what happens when you live in conspiracy theory fantasy land and worship hard lined authoritarian dictators. But needless to say while Volodymor Zelensky is on a world tour to get some much needed aide so he can go kick Putin’s ass some more, he’s finding out that right wing conspiracy theorist bullshit is the same no matter what country you go to. I mean hey, that’s why we did two world tours on this program! But the MAGA republicans who are currently engrossed in Q Anon fantasy land, where their opinions are dictated by their call in talk show host of choice, gave him the cold shoulder when he visited. But wait, hold your boos, we will get to the worst part in a minute.





Yeah it’s totally insane how much the GOP has just completely devolved into a deranged, bloodthirsty cult. I mean think about it, they’re actively rooting for one of the most tyrannical dictators in world history to take over Europe while they’re actively denouncing tyranny at home. We haven’t seen a warmongering tyrant this fierce since Hitler took over Poland. And he’s crippling governments left and right through social media propaganda while he’s continuing his terrible conquest. But this whole thing is absolutely insane, and I 100% place the blame on internet conspiracy theorists.





Yeah seriously, people! We got to keep our composure here! I don’t know how many times I need to say this, but I seriously feel like we’re living in the movie Don’t Look Up. Only instead of a meteor crashing into the earth, there’s a mad man out for world domination. And half of the country is under his spell and simply letting him win. Hell if that guy who we inexplicably used to call president were still in charge, Putin would have conquered Ukraine and Belarus and set his sights on Poland. Do we really have to relive World War II again? Sigh… apparently so.





So does everyone see how there’s a difference between the two parties now? Biden welcomed Zelensky to the White House, which is what should have happened. Trump would have slammed the door in Zelensky’s face, then called him a loser and a Nazi on Twitter, while appearing on Hannity every night convincing his idiot fanbase that it was justified. But it’s a good thing we have Biden in charge right now, because it seems to be the last line of defense right now between American freedom and Russian authoritarianism. Because Biden is helping Ukraine stop Putin’s evil conquest of Europe with all of the US Army’s might, regardless of the MAGA Qongress’ immature temper tantrums.






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[font size="8"]John Fetterman Dress Code Debate
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Here's where I say that Fox News ruins everything. Like it’s not enough that there’s a war going on and half of Congress is supporting the guy that’s doing the invading, or there’s massive labor disputes across the country, or there’s extreme weather crippling large sections of the country. You know what the House and Senate are wasting time on? The way Pennsylvania senator and guy who looks like a high school football coach that just called timeout, John Fetterman dresses. But if you listened to both sides of the debate this week, it is quite the stuff of pure insanity. Here’s the thing though – we live in the post COVID-19 world. No one is formal anymore. But one thing we absolutely don’t need right now is the people who support the mob that smeared poop on the walls during their invasion of Congress on January 6th complaining that Fetterman dresses. Yeah he dresses like if Kevin Smith were 2 feet taller, but we don’t want people like Marjorie Shit For Brains complaining that Fetterman is somehow lowering the bar. No, your side did that.





Well, he’s got a point there. Yeah we unfortunately won’t be covering the Bob Menendez fiasco this week but I will tell you that we will be getting to it when we come back on the 12th. But come on, MAGAs, if you’re going to complain about how Fetterman dresses, why not complain about how all men on the senate floor dress? Let’s go back to the days of powdered wigs and pantaloons! That will show them! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I love our graphics department! But there’s no mistake that the Fetterman dress code debacle is just another Fox News sponsored circular firing squad.





Oh come on people, stop your rabbling! But again, we can’t emphasize enough that the party of January 6th doesn’t get to dictate whether or not the bar has been lowered. They lowered the bar past the bottom of the Marianus Trench! That’s the lowest point on earth, don’t you know? I mean come on, they smeared poop on the walls. Used Congressional offices as toilets. They smashed windows by zip lining. But yeah Fetterman wears a hoodie on the floor of the senate and everyone loses their damn minds! I can guarantee you that Kevin from Accounts Payable, who is complaining about Fetterman’s dress code on your Zoom call, most likely isn’t wearing pants. Yeah picture that image for a minute!





That is a good question because we don’t know! But one thing we do know is this is why John Fetterman is awesome. Because after suffering a stroke and going through a serious depression, he’s currently at the “I’m completely out of fucks to give” stage of his life. So yeah Kevin McCarthy, Marjorie Shit For Brains, and Lauren Beetlejuice Handy can complain that he’s lowering the bar all they want. But again, have you seen what happened on January 6th? That’s their side. But he’s loving that the GOP is losing their minds over this. It means he’s winning the debate.






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[font size="8"]Good Guys With Guns: Trump Visits A Gun Store
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You know the NRA always says that the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun, unless you’re in an elementary school in Texas where there were three hundred armed, bullet proofed police officers who were scared of getting shot . Look… look… look… OK say what you want about the American 2nd Amendment gun nutters, but this is definitely a new low for them. We realize that not everyone wants or even needs a gun. But we do have to admit that America’s gun nuts take it quite a bit further than gun nuts in other countries. And especially since the gun nuts have an attachment to that guy who we inexplicably used to call president, Donald J. Trump. While the rest of us are scared of daily mass shootings that happen in this country, that former president is not only taking things in the exact opposite direction, he’s probably going to be the inspiration for the next horrifying mass shooting that’s going to happen. And it will probably happen near the gun store where he had his bizarre photo op this week.





OK I have many questions about this. The first is… why? The second is… what the fuck? Dude, you’re under criminal indictment for 4 felony counts and 91 charges, and you have 19 co-conspirators all connected to your crimes that have been indicted. The last thing you should be doing is buying a gun, because that’s a felony in and of itself and could land you some jail time. But of course, for the MAGA Taliban, this wasn’t just a photo opportunity. It was sending a message. And it’s not a message you’d want to receive, either. Nope, it’s a “do not fuck with us” kind of message.





Yes that’s right – don’t fuck with the gun cult. The gun cult is a cult within a cult. It’s a subsection of Trump worshippers who also can’t stand the thought of losing their precious, precious guns. And by the way, slightly off topic, has anyone ever seen someone as desperately pathetic as Marjorie Greene is? I mean she has her lips firmly implanted on his ass in hopes that she’ll pick her as his running mate. I mean who wouldn’t want that job? Donnie’s got a gun… Wait a minute, Donnie’s got a gun? AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! What’s even more disturbing – that particular gun that Trump wanted to purchase had his face on it! First off – what an ego on this guy. Second – fuck the gun manufacturer who made this.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! What the actual fuck? It seems like a lot of major media outlets overlooked that detail. I mean what kind of sick fucking mind do you have to have to not only purchase, but also manufacture this particular gun? Holy crap this is seriously disturbing on multiple levels. What’s even more disturbing is why he chose that particular gun store to begin with. Yes, it wasn’t about the guns. It was about sending a “do not fuck with us” kind of message. In case you’re wondering if Summerville, South Carolina sounds familiar, it was where the Jacksonville Dollar Store shooter bought the guns used in that shooting. Holy shit.






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know, I keep saying that we currently live in the darkest of times, and it’s probably only going to get darker. But this week, rather than rail on what’s in the news constantly, we’re going to do something a bit different. Supporters of the unholy, ungodly Dark One repeatedly make the claim that drag queens are attempting to sexualize our impressionable youth and also commit horrifying crimes while they’re not looking. Well, I got news for you. Of course, the Dark One is a man so foul, so profane and disgusting that his name DARE NOT be spoken in my church! So that being said, the flock, if you will, does everything they can to point out what the real issue is. They can point fingers and play the blame game all they want. While they’re pointing fingers at drag queens, the real problem is right under their noses. And they’re doing everything they can to protect themselves from the real problem. So we’re going to present to you a series of pastors and youth pastors getting arrested for sex crimes. And it’s going to get real dark real quick! Oh and the names will be omitted from these stories that follow, just to be on the safe side!





And yes, these are people who *SHOULD* feel bad about themselves. These are youth pastors, but they demean others because they are not Christian enough. And also, why am I not surprised in the least that this entry comes from Florida? It seems like anything goes in the Sunshine State. Oh, my fair congregation, I am here to tell you that this is not a uniquely Florida problem, either! It’s happening all over the country! In fact here’s one from Austin, Texas. Again, not a drag queen. And you know how we make jokes about someone having a hard drive or two of incriminating evidence? Well, it’s not so funny when they get caught!





And he’s also got some illegal accounts on some dark web sites that most people would need to use some browser filters that shall not be named for. Yes, we could do this all day, and in fact it’s the topic of our first brand new episode of Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons premiering this Sunday! Now here’s a story that comes out of Tennessee. Yes, again – we cannot emphasize this enough. This was not a drag queen that was arrested. Instead it was a traveling church speaker. Yes, churches invited this guy to speak at their churches. If he comes to your church – run!





Again, I need to emphasize – not a drag queen! And these are all stories that have happened in the last week or so. Don’t think this won’t be the last time we do this for this segment, either, my fair congregation, because we definitely will! Remember what I said earlier about this phenomenon happening all over the country? Well guess what? It’s happening all over the world! These are the people who want to legislate morality. Even my home state of California is not immune! Look, people, don’t hook up with minors! Don’t even attempt to hook up with minors! Just… no! And by the way, this particular minor happened to be an undercover cop, so… HA!





So who do you really want to leave your children alone with – drag queens or youth pastors? I think I know the answer to that one! Don’t forget that season 2 of Holy Shit: The Sunday Sermons debuts this Sunday at 4:00 PM! Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]How Is This Still A Thing: The Ron DeSantis Campaign
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It's time once again to ask:



This week – the Ron DeSantis Presidential Campaign. How is this still a thing? We’ve seen presidential campaigns come and go on this program, but it seems that none have taken a nose dive more than the reigning king of Florida Men – Ron DeSantis (Q – Batshit). So Ron DeSantis is having, what one might call, a bit of a free fall in the polls. The thing is that the GOP is now the party of Trump whether they want to admit it or not. He owns that party. But one thing is for certain is that Fox News’ ideas are wildly unpopular outside of Fox News. And both Trump and Ron DeSantis are running to essentially be president of Fox News viewers. Yes, they trash the network now, but you know damn well that Trump won’t turn down the next 10,000,000 nightly appearances on Sean Hannity. Anyway it’s apparent that the Desantis campaign is dwindling, and soon he’ll be regulated to opening for children’s petting zoos and puppet shows.





Attention mass media: We don’t want a second term of Trump! Stop trying to make this a thing! He is a criminal who tried to overthrow the government and install a fascist dictatorship. He belongs in a federal prison along with his enablers in Congress! OK now that we’ve got that off our chest, there’s no mistake that the GOP is the party of Trump. But in case you’re wondering just how much Trump leads the GOP – it’s a lot. Which is not to say that the GOP is the party of murderers, criminals, rapists, and overall scumbags. But in the case of Trump vs Desantis, well, make no mistake that Trump is unfortunately going to win in a landslide in the primaries.





Yes, Trump lost, and he’ll lose again. But we can’t deny that it’s having an affect on other GOP campaigns, such as that of Ron DeSantis. But come on, the election is now just a mere 12 months away, and we’ve got to get our shit together, man! We can’t let fascism win! Of course, as awful and horrible of a human being as Trump is, and most of his supporters are, most of the people running in the primaries are running to be his running mate. But there’s no way Desantis even stands a chance in hell of that. Again, his ideas are wildly unpopular outside of the talk show bubble.





Yes BOOOOOOOOOO!!! So whether your preferred brand of right wing fascism is far right extreme fascism (Trump), fascism adjacent (Desantis), or fascism light (Ramaswamy), there’s no denying that the GOP is up to some extreme corruption. But we’re about to see another one bite the dust as there’s still time for Ronnie to have his “please clap” moment. That’s what happens when you let cable news and AM radio call in shows do your critical thinking for you. But until Ronnie drops out of the race, it’s going to be Desantis vs Trump in the GOP primary. And it’s not going to be pretty by any stretch of the imagination.





So going from bad to worse in the primaries and the GOP base won’t accept anyone who’s not Trump as the nominee. That’s enough to make you ask – the Ron DeSantis Presidential Campaign:




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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner: The Missing F35 Fighter Jet
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. Ah, there we go! They are trying to read yours and my thoughts after all! So this week, folks, you might have heard about an incident involving an F35 fighter jet that went missing over the coast of South Carolina last week. Well, before we get into it, this incident is absolutely weird and insane. But that didn’t stop the dark corners of the internet from making some absolute wild accusations and conspiracy theories. But before we get into the theories themselves, we got to explain what happened. And it’s quite the strange tale. And like most tales that we feature on this segment, it gets weirder the more you look into it!





That’s the actual story. It was a computer error and the pilot was able to safely eject before the jet had crashed. Now, that didn’t stop the conspiracy theories and accusations from flying in the dark corners of the internet. Yes, we’re talking Alex Jones and Steve Bannon level crazy. They couldn’t help themselves from making some incredibly baseless conspiracy theories against the military. So you might be wondering why the pilot escaped from the jet as it was about to crash? Remember what we said about it being a “computer error”? Well it’s a bit more complicated than that.





Now that we explained what happened, we have to explain what didn’t happen. Here’s where conspiracy theories get crazy and they lose us. OK why the hell would someone make the insane claim that it was on its’ way to Cuba undetected? Like what the actual fuck? Was it on its’ way to assassinate Castro? Or maybe give it a trillion dollars? But this is one of those instances where people have way too much free time on their hands, and the internet has given the craziest among us a megaphone with which to amplify their craziness!





Dude, where’s my F35? Come on, that joke was barely funny in 1999. It certainly isn’t funny in the year 2023, that I can assure you. But once again, you know how we always say that Fox News ruins everything, of course we don’t need the 37 year old grandma making baseless accusations that the military is too “woke”. That shit definitely isn’t helping things. And this is why we need to get these people out of Congress. Like really? That’s what your position on this is? But I shouldn’t really be surprised – that seems to be the answer from the right about everything these days.






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[font size="8"]I Need A Drink
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Hey folks, I don’t know about you, but I could really use a drink!



So of course you know by now that the idea behind this segment is that we have some drinks, and while we are drinking we talk about literally anything in the news as long as it doesn’t relate to politics. There is a lot of really dark shit in the news right now, and we feel that the best reprieve from it all is to belly up to the bar, grab a nice cold pint, and wait for this whole thing to blow over! Don’t worry, my sober brothers and sisters, we got you covered too. Just grab a glass of your favorite coffee, tea, or energy drink and come and get wired with us! So this week, you may have seen a story that went viral from a New York Times columnist named David Brooks. If you’re on that site formerly known as Twitter, you may have seen the tweet that said “This meal just cost me $78 at the Newark Airport. No wonder Americans think the economy is so terrible.”. Tell me, bartender, what goes well with a story about economic inflation? A cheeseburger and a shot of whisky? How much does that cost? $78? Get outta here! I’ll just have my usual Jack Daniels mixed with Jack Daniels. I call it the Double Jack. But this story is absolutely insane, and it’s one of the reasons why we do love living in the social media era here. Because people did have some fun with this and it’s also why we love us some memes.





Now that will cost $78 at Newark Airport. But of course, like most things that go viral, it backfired on Brooks spectacularly. Hell, remember the last time that backfired on someone? I believe it involved someone claiming that their box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch contained shrimp in it (see: Idiots #10-9 ). And I guess the moral of the story here is that if you’re going to say something ridiculously stupid, you might want to think twice about it before hitting that post button. Because if you do and it goes viral and it comes back to bite you in the ass, it’s a tale as old as time itself.





I don’t think the bottle is big enough! But how much is this tab running us? Somehow I think it’s going to be way more than $78! But everyone from the restaurant themselves that was charging $21 for the David Brooks special – a cheeseburger, fries, and a shot of whisky for $25 (a hell of a deal for airport food if you ask me!), and there were tons of people making fun of the tweet. But my favorite tweet had to come from Pennsylvania senator and your hot yoga instructor’s hot yoga instructor, John Fetterman, who made the claim that his hoodie cost $78. But come on people, learn to take a damn joke every once in a while!





Yeah just dump the whole bottle in the blender! But come on people, learn to take a joke every once in a while. I thought we learned that with the Cinnamon Toast Shrimp incident, did we not? At least it’s not landing David Brooks on a sex offender watch list. Yeah that happened. But at least he apologized for the incident but that’s not before the damage was done. Again, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but we’ve seen this countless times with tweets that go viral. If you’re going to post a message that could get out in the open, keep in mind that we do live on the internet. There’s no such thing as a take back no matter what happens.






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[font size="8"]My Governor Is An Idiot Round 1: Whitmer Vs Sanders

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Welcome, welcome, welcome to the first round of our new segment, My Governor Is An Idiot! In case you’re wondering, this was inspired by a bumper sticker that we see frequently here in the great state of California – a sticker of Gavin Newsom with the phrase “My governor is an idiot”. But is he / she really an idiot like the sticker claims? Well that’s what we intend to find out. This segment is going to pit blue state governors against red state governors to find the best and worst governors in the country! This week in Round 1, we’re putting Michigan governor Gretchen Whitmer against Arkansas governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

[font size="4"]Whitmer[/font]

Gretchen Whitmer is the governor of the great state of Michigan. You might remember her from the good old days of September, 2020 when a group of what could quite possibly be the stupidest criminals of all time attempted to kidnap her in an effort to reverse the COVID lockdown policies (see: Idiots #9-14 ). But when it comes to policy, Whitmer has turned the great state of Michigan into the Democratic Party stronghold of the Midwest. And why not? Because Michigan really is turning a very bright shade of blue and that’s a good thing!





Pfff…. Come on, who wouldn’t want things like clean energy and paid family leave? I think that’s something even the “NO FREE HANDOUTS!!!” party would want, but nope. Conservatives, like the festering psychopaths that they are, continue to hold back even the slightest bit of progress. And in case you’re wondering how we can start flipping states from batshit crazy back to being more sane, Whitmer has provided a blueprint for the rest of the country. Michigan is definitely a good example of how states can be brought back from teetering over the edge into right wing insanity land.





[font size="4"]Sanders[/font]

Next up, we have Arkansas governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders! You might remember her as being the official White House Press Corps leader under that guy who we inexplicably used to call president administration. She is the daughter of former Arkansas governor and current Fox News host and contributor Mike Huckabee. And in case you’re wondering, the fact that she is anywhere in a position of power not only is a sign of a broken country, but also that half of the country is clinically batshit insane and not coming back to reality anytime soon. In fact her first 100 days are filled with some absolutely embarrassing contributions, including legalizing child labor.





Yeah so vote Republican if you don’t give a shit about being poor, or you don’t care about poor people, or you want your kids to work in shitty, poorly ventilated warehouses for shit pay and no benefits. And for your kids to get married at 17 and have no way to buy a house or even provide for these families that the religious nutjobs so desperately want them to have. All while the mega billionaires just keep piling on the billions. And by way, in case you’re wondering how dangerous these people are, just remember that this vile woman could be a vice president under a GOP rule. And that’s an absolutely scary thought!





[font size="4"]Who’s The Idiot? [/font]

Oh come on, did you really think we were going to pick Whitmer? No we’re going with the asshole who legalized child labor in front of a group of really scared looking children. Sarah Sanders is the clear idiot in this picture!

[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

Next week it’s a battle for the real Rocky Mountain High as Colorado governor Jared Polis takes on Montana’s body slamming governor Greg Gianforte! This is going to be a fun one!


[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]Arctic Monkeys [/font]

Folks, my next guest is one of the best bands out of the UK right now. Their latest album is called “The Car”. You can see their last 3 shows of this tour at the Kia Forum in Los Angeles, Sept. 29th, 30th, and Oct. 1st! Playing their song “Body Paint”, give it up for Arctic Monkeys!



Thank you, Austin! We had a great time here! We’re taking a short break next week, we’ll be back October 12th with a brand new edition live from New York City! See you in two weeks!

Credits

Host: Initech
Arctic Monkeys Appear Courtesy Of: Domino Recording Co. Ltd.
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: Cap City Comedy Club, Austin, TX
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
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Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
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HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
Follow The Top 10 On Mastodon at: Top10ConIdiots@mstdn.party
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Questions? Comments? Complaints? Hate mail? E-mail The Top 10 at: Top10ConIdiots@gmail.com


Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo

September 21, 2023

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #15-7: Daylight Come And Me Want To Go Home Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #15-7: Daylight Come And Me Want To Go Home Edition

Ed. Note: Due to a scheduling conflict, the Top 10 is early today! Enjoy!

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Yooooooooooooooo!!!! What’s up, Riverside? How are you guys doing? You doing fucking good? Great! I want to start this week by saying that I really appreciate all of the support we’ve been given since our Florida tour got sidelined by Hurricane Franklin a couple of weeks ago. But don’t worry – hang on to your tickets, folks, because we are working on rescheduling tour dates. Be sure to follow us on Top10ConIdiots @ mstdn.party for more updates as we chug along for season 15. Oh and I hope that everyone caught the news of our brand new segment we’re debuting next week – My Governor Is An Idiot. So what does that consist of you might ask? Well I answer you – we’re going on a search for the best and the worst governor in the country, putting two governors from each state in a battle royale and the winner advances to the next round! And when does it start? It starts next week! Tune into round 1 – where we pit Arkansas governor Sarah Sanders against Michigan governor Gretchen Whitmer. It’s going to be exciting! This is totally unlike anything we’ve ever done for the 10th spot to date, and that includes our long running Stupidest State contest! And it all goes down next week, so be there or be square! OK that’s enough of the intro, we have a lot of idiocy to get to this week. But first, while the WGA is on strike, we’re featuring clips of our favorite podcasts, and this week, Christopher Titus is back and he digs into the fact that two justice systems exist – one for rich white conservatives, and one for the rest of us:



Where do we begin this week? Well the number one slot this week easily goes to MAGA Republicans (1), because they are dead set on impeaching Joe Biden, despite that they got zero evidence to back up any of the outrageous claims they’re making. Sigh… this is why we can’t have nice things. In the second slot this week is Lauren Boebert (2). Yes, by now you’ve most likely heard of MAGA Shooter Barbiet’s ill fated trip to the theater to see Beetlejuice: The Musical. And well, just like the movie and musical Beetlejuice, it gets weirder the more that you dig into it! Meanwhile, in Texas, the impeachment trial of Ken Paxton (3) that we reported on last week went about as well as you might have expected. Because republicans are deranged cultists and will not do the right thing if it means speaking out against the cult. Another reason why we can’t have nice things. In the number 4 slot this week is Tommy Tuberville (4). Yes, the shittiest football coach inexplicably turned United States senator, is in some hot water over holding back military promotions and screwing over the military. But you know, support the troops and such. Ugh I’m so sick of these assholes. In the number 5 slot this week, we have a new edition of our segment We’re All Gonna Die! (5), and this week catastrophic climate change has screwed things up so much that there’s no new records to report on, because every day it seems like it gets worse. Hey Rupert Murdoch, fuck you and I’ll see you tomorrow. In the number 6 slot this week is of course our weekly visit to the Holy Church Of The Top 10 in “Holy Shit” and this week, we’re going to have some fun and predict the future, because the Dark One’s minions have some very dark things in store for us, whether it’s North Carolina or California, they’re everywhere and they’re looking to do some damage! In the number 7 slot this week, we have a new Beating A Dead Hose (7), and we’re asking the question - is it OK for Bill Maher and others to cross the picket lines and resume their shows? Well, it’s probably going to be a terrible idea no matter which way you look at it. In the number 8 slot this week is of course our weekly venture into the world of never-ending online tin foil hat nuttery in Conspiracy Corner (8) and this week, has Pennsylvania senator John Fetterman been replaced by a body double? The bizarre corners of the internet are floating a wild conspiracy theory after Fox News whines about his appearance and he tells Fox where they can stick it. In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot this week, we have a new People Are Dumb, because of course they are! Finally this week, it’s time for the final part of our What’s Up With Florida? docuseries, and this week we’re finding out who exactly votes for Ron Desantis and the Florida GOP extremists, while presenting our conclusions! And to cap things off, some live music from the great Hozier! Buy his new album “Unreal Unearth” or you’re no friend of this program! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Joe Biden Impeachment
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Well you knew this was coming since the lunatics took over the asylum. The Newsmax / O AN wing of the GOP is hell bent on impeaching Joe Biden because… because… yeah can someone just give me a reason why they think this is OK? Yeah they got nothing. And it’s a whole heap of nothing. But make no mistake that the CEO of the radical right wing house nutjobs, Kevin McCarthy, is really doing this just to please his boss, Sean Hannity. Yeah it’s apparently a hierarchy of conservative insanity that they are running there. So what is the possibility that Biden could get impeached, you might ask? Well besides that it’s currently standing at zero, there’s still a lot at stake. But this is just yet another reason of many as to why we can’t have nice things. It’s also cementing my belief that today’s elected representatives are basically just glorified content creators for Fox News and that’s about it.





Oh come on, just go fuck the fuck right off right now. Is Hunter Biden an elected official? No. Has Hunter Biden ever served in the government? No. And the only thing that I care to know about Hunter Biden is why Jared Kusher got $2 billion from Saudi oligarchs while Trump held a private golf tournament in his rat-infested mega mansion in Jersey. Yeah investigate that, dipshits! But their Hunter Biden derangement syndrome will not go away no matter how much we want it to. Again, this is another symptom of the Fox News takeover of the GOP.





Oh come on! Go fuck right the fuck off! Yeah come on, like Trump’s sons – Wingus and Dignus are any better. But of course, even the guy that ruins everything had to chime in on the subject. I really, seriously, truly look forward to the day when we don’t have to hear every stupid, hateful thing that pops out of his big fat mouth. But you know that the House won’t shut up about President Biden or Hunter Biden’s dealings, no matter what they are. I really wonder why Hunter Biden hasn’t sued the ever-loving shit out of Kevin McCarthy’s boss, Sean Hannity, yet? Maybe they are working on something. One thing is for sure – this is most definitely a get revenge quick scheme, and it’s gonna fail.





Sigh… this is why I say that MAGA is a cancer and that right wing radio is going to burn down the country. It’s the reason why we can’t have nice things. All this stunt is designed to do is to get their talk show host overlords some ratings, which equals votes, which keeps these assholes in office. It’s the circle of bullshit and it screws us all! But even the most hardcore experts on presidential impeachment say that they got nothing. Which is why I’m going to repeat the following, probably through the rest of this edition. You don’t want this to happen? You don’t want our political representatives to be content creators for cable news hosts? Just stop voting for stupid people!!!






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[font size="8"]Lauren Boebert

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Ooh boy, I’ve been waiting all week to do this entry and I’m going to hold no punches. Because it’s the kind of thing that the Top 10 was made for. But considering this happened at a musical, I need to get me in the mood first.



Yes… hey Mr. Tallyman, tally me banana! Daylight come and me want to go home! Come on everybody sing it with me! So why am I bringing up the late, great Harry Belafonte you might ask? Well, I answer you, good sir or madam – because this song was featured in a personal favorite movie of mine, Beetlejuice, and the hit Broadway musical: Beetlejuice: The Musical. Which was attended by our favorite CO-4 representative Lauren Boebert. And boy did she attend it all right! I’m not quite sure what that means. But this is what absolutely infuriates me about today’s republican party. Anyone remember when Al Franken got kicked out of the senate by Project Vertias over a stupid photo? Well, wait until you hear about Bobo’s latest musings at a Denver performance of Beetlejuice the Musical. Guarantee that you’ll get that whole “being dead” thing. Yes, about that whole Being Dead thing…





Yeah think about it… are there any rules at a live theatrical performance? Uh yeah there are, are you kidding me? I’ve been in a few. It’s like Patrick Stewart says – you’re there to see the performers, and they’re there to see you. Theaters have rules. It’s not like a movie. Giving a handy doesn’t exactly fly with a live theatrical performance. It probably also doesn’t fly in a movie theater either. But oh here’s where it gets weird and you knew it was going to. Apparently the more insane parts of the internet are attempting to gaslight the incident. We may have to dedicate next week’s Conspiracy Corner to this.





Oh come on! Just go fuck the fuck right off right now and shut the fuck up. First off, I can’t believe any sane democrat would date her. That just seems like it would be bad for everyone. And second, Lauren Boebert is a 37 year old grandma who prides herself on her complete lack of culture and education. So it’s no wonder why she would be caught giving a handy and vaping during a live theatrical performance, no matter what the musical was. It could be Les Miserable for all we care. Yeah just picture that image for a minute. But even though Beetlejuice: The Musical is technically considered a comedy, there’s no excuse for that kind of behavior.





It’s showtime all right! Well, maybe not for the second act for Boebert. I mean come on, this shit is absolutely embarrassing. You want to stop this shit? The same goes for probably everyone in this week’s edition: STOP VOTING FOR STUPID PEOPLE!!!! I mean come on, you want a poorly educated dimwit who’s on her third divorce, first grandchild, and paid $100 to take her GED exam and barely passed on the fourth try in Congress? I wouldn’t even trust her to get a 10 piece order of chicken nuggets right. I mean this incident is truly embarrassing. Just… ahh!!!






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[font size="8"]Ken Paxton
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Well, just when I thought there might be a breath of sanity in the republican party, my hopes were very quickly dashed. It’s like watching the Kyle Rittenhouse verdict all over again. Why even have the trial if you already know what the verdict was going to be? It’s like what George Carlin said – it’s a big club and we’re not in it. But in today’s GOP, god forbid that anyone have an independent thought that’s not manufactured by Rupert Murdoch. So what am I getting at? I’m talking about the Texas impeachment trial of Lt. Gov Ken Paxton (MAGA – obviously). You know, republicans talk a lot of shit about a lot of people. But the simple fact of the matter is that George Carlin was absolutely right – it’s a big club and we’re not in it. And there’s no justice for white males either. Just once… just once I want to see these fucking scumbags held accountable for something. Anything. What it is, I don’t care. But prosecute them for something already!





Yeah god forbid anyone have an independent thought not manufactured by Rupert Murdoch. Seriously, why don’t we hold Fox News accountable for this bullshit? We all know that Paxton’s boss is the same as Greg Abbott’s and that’s Sean Hannity. Yes, we’ve repeatedly said that Texas is currently being led by the douchebag trifecta – Ken Paxton, Dan Patrick, and Greg Abbott. But this is almost exactly like the Kyle Rittenhouse verdict – why even have the trial if you’re already going to know the outcome? If you want a fair and impartial trial, put them in front of people who haven’t been brainwashed by Fox News 24 hours a day! Thank you Riverside!





Nah. It’s because Texas is stacked as a firmly conservative state and it’s lost to MAGA / conservative ideology for the next 40 years. But this is why elections matter. If Texas had a balanced house instead of one populated by militant far right lunatics and only getting increasingly more batshit insane every election cycle, they probably could have given Paxton the heave ho he so greatly deserves. And in case you’re wondering if this whole thing cost the state of Texas some money, guess what? You’re absolutely right about that. Just stop voting for stupid people!





Ha ha ha ha ha… I kid, I kid! That’s what I do. But there’s no mistake that the republicans are gearing up for a battle between the few sane republicans that are left (Ed. Note: 404: file not found). But really you got to wonder how these clowns not only get elected, they keep getting reelected. It’s way past time to turn off Fox News and tell them where they can shove it. But if you don’t want another Ken Paxton, the solution again is simple and I don’t know how many times I have to keep repeating it, but I will until I’m blue in the face: stop voting for stupid people!!!






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[font size="8"]Tommy Tuberville
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Here's my thing – I never, in a million years ever want to hear the GOP whine and cry about how we’re supposed to respect the military ever again. Because with subhuman mongoloids like Tommy Tuberville and Rand Paul at the helm of the senate, they clearly don’t give a flying fuck. They’re just doing what Fox News hosts and their billionaire Saudi and Russian overlords are telling them. The one thing we cannot overlook in this country, is that not only are the MAGAs just actively taking this country so far backwards we’re running into the walls, but they’re purposefully crippling our military to prevent action against Vladimir Putin. And once again, senators like Tuberville and Paul come courtesy of the Fox News multi level marketing company. So yeah fuck you Fox for giving us these assholes. Just… ah… I’m so tired of the GOP hypocrisy. Look MAGAs, this whole “owning the libs thing” needs to stop now. It never was or ever will be funny. It’s absolute insanity. So yeah support the troops my ass.





Holy shit, I feel like I’m living in that movie Don’t Look Up. Allow me to spell it out for you MAGA mongoloids: THERE IS A MAD MAN IN THE KREMLIN TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD AND YOU ASSHOLES ARE CRIPPLING OUR MILITARY ON PURPOSE AND ALLOWING HIM TO CONTINUE HIS QUEST FOR GLOBAL DOMINATION!!! OK thank you audience, I feel much better now that I’ve got that off my chest. But it’s way past time to root out these traitors and send them to the international war crimes tribunal in the Hague.





Fuck you Tuberville! This whole thing is insane - it’s all about some beef with abortion. What more do you want? The MAGA Taliban fuckheads got their grand prize – Roe V. Wade got overturned by an extremely radicalized SCOTUS. What more do these assholes want? But here’s what’s even more insane – apparently Tuberville is trying to force a vote on 1 nomination. Just one. What’s it going to take to remove these MAGA morons from office? And I don’t just mean the Senate, the House, etc, I mean everywhere. Putin’s got his tentacles in just about every aspect of the US government and these morons are actively aiding and abetting him.





Yeah that’s how I am feeling watching this. It’s like watching Homer Simpson when he was the Pee Wee Football coach. You’re cut. You’re cut. Oh look there’s so many cuts here. But there’s no mistake that Tommy Tuberville is fucking evil and he’s a product of Fox News mental conditioning. Stop watching Fox News, that shit is bad for you! But just like the writer’s strike, Tuberville’s one man protest is going to have some rippling effects on our military from here on out. Just… really fuck this guy, fuck Fox News, and fuck the people that vote for him.





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[font size="8"]We’re All Gonna Die
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Hey everyone, guess what? We’re all gonna die! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO. WOOOOO. WOOO. WOO. So what’s going to kill us all this week, you might ask? Well, I answer you – the heat! And to answer the question “Is it hot in here or is it just me?”, the answer is – “it’s extremely hot”. It may not be just you either. We had the hottest summer on RECORD. And now that we’re entering the fall, don’t expect things to cool down any time soon either, honey. But hey, we did it! The summer of 2023 was the HOTTEST SUMMER ON RECORD, woohoo!!! Pat yourselves on the back, everybody!!! And guess what – it’s only going to get hotter, and I’m sure it has nothing to do with the earth being overpopulated and there being too much pollution in the air. And you’d be a fool and a communist to make that connection. But while this was the hottest summer on record, things are only going to get worse from here on out. We may have passed the proverbial tipping point, and there may be nothing we can do to stop it. So strap in because things are going to get really ugly really quickly!





No we’re not going to die just yet. But there’s tons of factors out there that are indicating that some things are coming and Mother Nature isn’t going to be exactly, what one would call, kind to us. Oh no, not by a long shot. But when you look at a place like Phoenix, they had their hottest summer on record with average temperatures of 110 degrees a day. You might be thinking “Oh no that’s not that hot, if you can’t stand the heat, move!”. Well, you’re wrong. Because as I have learned living in a giant fire hazard, hot temperatures = potential fires and other disasters looming.





Now you might be thinking that we’re just giving the United States shit because of the republican party’s consistent inaction and denial on climate change. Well, you’re partly right. But the other thing to take into account is that this is a global problem. Climate change doesn’t just affect one country or one region of the earth. Nope, it affects all of us. But of course the one half of us that is constantly telling the other half to fuck off, is clinically insane. But yeah in addition to the United States, Brazil is another country that’s currently experiencing record heat waves. So the next time your climate change denying friends go off on bullshit, show them this!





No not yet. But that’s the incredibly fucked up thing. This is the WINTER in Brazil. The fucking winter, it’s not even summer yet! And they’re experiencing record high temperatures. Just imagine what’s going to happen when summer rolls around! And guess what my MAGA chums, liberal countries are also being affected by the hottest summer ever! Yeah so you can complain all you want, but in the end climate change is going to start affecting all of us whether we want to or not. Time to put up or shut up. Mother Nature is quite the cruel mistress and will only get crueller.






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[font size="8"]Holy Shit: Pray Vote Stand Recap
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters! It’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate, for the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it’s time to remind you that the holiest among us are the most full of:



My fair congregation! Please be seated! You know, I hate having to keep reminding you that we live in some extremely dark times right now. And lately we’ve been talking about the terrible situations that the MAGA cult leaders have been putting us in, regarding the future of America’s children. Last week, we railed on one MAGA cult leader in particular and that’s MAGA pastor Jack Hibbs of Chino Hills, California. But this week, with the annual Pray Vote Stand conference upon us, I can’t help but wonder the direction that the Unholy Dark One’s supporters plan to take this country in. Because with people like Jack Hibbs as the future of the Dark One’s GOP, things are going to get very dark very quickly, and there may not be a lot that commoners like us can do to stop it. Because these people do not worship GAWD or JAYSUS. No, they worship the unholy, ungodly Dark One! I of course speak of a man so foul, so depraved and disgusting that his name dare NOT be spoken in my church! And his supporters really aren’t that much better, either.





Yes, the Chino Valley School Board is the devil in this picture here! And fuck these morons who are taking over our school boards and turning them into shit, by the way! But this also points out where the idea of pouring unlimited amounts of money into campaigns is not only an extremely terrible idea, but it can also go completely fuck up. Could you imagine the idea of a religious super PAC picking and choosing candidates to run for every office in the country? No way would I want these MAGA Taliban lunatics running the country.





But in case you’re wondering if the MAGAs couldn’t be any more cult like, just check out this clip of the MAGAs at the PVS summit. And not only does it feature a guest appearance from the Dark One himself, but it also features many of the Dark One’s minions like DeSantis and Ramaswamy. Those two are insane, but they do not hold a candle to the Dark One’s madness! But what do they mean when they say they are going to “protect the family”? Does that imply that they are the MAFIA? You gotta protect the family otherwise you’re gonna get the cement shoes!





Yeah can you just imagine how this is going to look to the holier than thou crowd if the Dark One shows up on the campaign trail without his 1st Lady at his side? Well of course his supporters would still fawn over him, I’m sure that many of the more bizarre female supporters of his would try to be first in line to be the new 1st Lady. And that’s a disturbing thought. But nevertheless, this is why you shouldn’t combine politics and church. For it does make for some very strange bedfellows, my fair congregation, and these are not exactly what one would call savory characters.





Oh I wish. But it’s too late, the MAGAs already blew it on abortion. Sigh, this is another sign of the MAGAs becoming increasingly more cult like. But that’s how it is. Mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:




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[font size="8"]Beating A Dead Horse: Scab Vs Scab
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You know the WGA / SAG Writer’s Strike has been going on for the better part of the year 2023 now and it seems like it’s never going to end. But this week we’re going to take a look at two very different scabs and wonder – is it OK to cross the lines and do your show again? Well the answer is, it’s never OK to cross picket lines. But there have been two attempts this week. The first is from the host of HBO’s Real Time With Bill Maher, Bill Maher. The second is from Drew Barrymore. To which we respond – Drew Barrymore has a show? This is a new one. But let’s take a look at Bill’s attempt to resuscitate his show. An d well it’s insane. Because Bill found a loophole – he could restart his show without writers – just don’t include the parts of the show that actually, you know, require writers. So no monologue or New Rules. But the rest of the show.





Yeah that may be in your scab handbook but it definitely isn’t in mine! But that being said, the cycle of shit very quickly circulates the internet. However, this brings up a very interesting idea to end what many have called the “never ending strike”. Could Bill’s attempt to bring back his show, then balk, just be an elaborate attempt to get the writers back to the negotiating table? Who knows? At over 100 days we’re entering uncharted territory with this strike. And when it starts affecting bottom lines, then and only then will it come to an end. But that’s not before the damage is done.




NEVERS!!! But nevertheless, we really can’t help but wonder where this strike is going. The thing is the writers don’t want to be replaced by machines and we totally get that. But the problem is that greedy CEOs like Bob Iger don’t give a rat’s ass. So could Bill Maher and Drew Barrymore be the keys to finally getting some foot on the ground after 100 days of shut down? When we’re in a strike that is seemingly never ending, it seems like it’s going to take a lot to get to where our favorite talk shows are resuming production again. We definitely can’t let Drew Barrymore get away with it, either.





Yeah that’s not exactly the most memorable of chants there, is it? And look in the utmost importance of this, here’s the thing – we need talk shows right now. I mean come on, Trump and the MAGA Qongress are giving Colbert some A grade material right now and he’s nowhere to be found! We need our talk shows back and we need them now. How are we able to get away with doing our crappy program, you might ask? Because have a very small staff and we don’t exactly have CBS writer money. We have… podcast money. Which is why we’re playing Thursday at 2:00 PM at the Chuckle Hut instead of prime time after the Daily Show. One thing is for certain – we don’t need Dancing With The Stars and we don’t need them breaking the rules.






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[font size="8"]Conspiracy Corner
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Welcome back to our segment that attempts to explain the unexplainable, Conspiracy Corner! Of course conspiracies exist when people simply don’t want to read the article past the headlines and just flat out make shit up. We of course are coming to you live from our underground doomsday shelter from deep within the New Mexico badlands. Undisclosed location, of course! Let me just adjust my trusty tin foil hat for maximum government interference. Ah, there we go! They are trying to read yours and my thoughts after all! Well folks, this week, Pennsylvania senator John Fetterman has been in the news and it's not exactly for the reasons you might think. While most of Fox News has their underwear in a wad over his casual way of dressing as “lowering the bar” while their elected representatives give handys and vape during live performances is some next level hypocrisy. But that’s not what we’re going to talk about for this segment. Apparently now the MAGA conspiracy theory circles are going crazy because they think that John Fetterman has been replaced with a body double. I swear there is no end to conservative lunacy!





OK… OK… OK… OK… OK… OK. I have many questions here. First one – why? Second one – what the absolute fuck? Third – What are these lunatics smoking? And fourth, also – why? Well, the main question I want to ask is – what the hell is the MAGA world on? Is anyone real in their world? I am guessing not a whole lot. But then again, that’s what happens when you replace reality with conspiracy theories and facts with some bullshit. And this is also the age where there is way too much time being spent on unnecessary bullshit. Unnecessary Bullshit – the name of my new autobiography, by the way, in stores soon!





But alas, my friends, this certainly isn’t the first time that the Q lunatics have been trying to claim that John Fetterman was replaced by a body double. And come on, if there was a body cloning factory somewhere in the world, someone would have seen it by now! But it gets weirder, of course, and you knew that it was going to. But come on, what’s wrong with someone changing their looks or appearance? Yes, Fetterman wears what we call around here “Kevin Smith chic”. Just… sigh, we really do live in the stupid timeline.





Good question! I don’t know. But one thing I do know is that it’s good that the senator has a sense of humor about himself. Because in this crazy world where conspiracy theorists are operating 24 hours a day out of mom’s basement with their tin foil hats permanently glued to their heads, you gotta be able to joke about this sort of thing. But then again we’re dealing with people who have no clue how to actually take a joke. That’s why they’re conspiracy theorists. Again that’s what happens when places like Fox and Newsmax and OAN and 2500 AM radio outlets and 1500 local TV stations are poisoning America’s minds 24 hours a day. It’s the cycle of bullshit and it screws us all! It’s definitely good that people like Fetterman and Newsom are fighting back against the propaganda.






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Hit It!



Of course you know by now that people are people, and people are dumb. I always want to preface before we dive right into this thing by saying exactly what makes a People Are Dumb story. A guy driving at 100 miles an hour down the freeway isn’t necessarily a People Are Dumb story. But a guy driving down the freeway going 105 miles per hour in a stolen delivery truck because he’d miss his Costco optical appointment? Now that’s a People Are Dumb story! And not all People Are Dumb stories are stupid criminals either. But I do love a good stupid criminal story. I collect them, trad them with my friends. And also for the sake of not drawing too much attention, we do have a new policy of omitting the names and addresses from any story we cover. So who’s dumb this week? I want to start with this story out of Astabula, Ohio, wherever that is. But is an absolutely classic stupid criminal story. A guy wanders into an Ace Hardware and tries out the hedge trimmers, which he uses to cut off his ankle monitor. Even better – this was all caught on camera!





Ace is the place with the helpful burglar tools! Hey o! Next up -we go to San Francisco for this insane story. Look, how many times must we tell you that if you’re going to commit a crime, the last thing you should do is post it on social media? I swear to the highest of high gods that this happens all the damn time. It’s not just an isolated incident either. Well, this woman driving down I-80 hanging out the side of the car with an AK-47 in hand posted the video of it, and well, it went viral. So yeah, again, people, don’t involve social media in your crimes. That’s just plain fucking stupid.





Next up – I’m not entire sure who the stupid ones here are. Because on one hand, if I saw this scene and I didn’t know what it was, I would probably freak the fuck out which is natural. But on the other hand, how could you have this exercise going on and *NOT* have people be mistaken for what it is? Well, this yoga class in North Carolina, well, we’ll let you be the judge on this one. Because one should not have to go to yoga class and not have an entire SWAT team descend upon you. Again, I’m not sure who’s in the wrong here but this is a very People Are Dumb story!





Next up – of course we have to go to Florida. The Sunshine State. The Penis Of America. Or as Homer Simpson calls it, America’s Wang. Let’s start with this story out of Tampa. That’s on the Gulf Coast, don’t you know? Well, this is an absolutely classic Florida story. So this woman just stops her car on the side of the road and jumps in the ocean. Why? Because she wanted to “meet the sharks”. Uh what? Have you not seen Shark Week? You know that sharks are dangerous killers, right? And why would you just get that sudden impulse? That seems like a very weird and oddly specific impulse.





Finally this week – We have to go to Miami for this one and this is an absolutely classic People Are Dumb story. Hell, it’s why we started doing this segment in the first place. And of course Florida never fails at bringing the crazy. This crazy story out of Miami. We know that politics can make people crazy. But if you’re outside and you’re randomly firing a gun in the air 48 times, why wouldn’t the police be called? Well of course that’s why we say when you give an idiot a gun, don’t be surprised when they do something stupid with it. But again, this is the type of person who willingly votes for Ron DeSantis.



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That’s it this week for:





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[font size="8"]What’s Up With Florida? Pt 7: The End
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Welcome back to part 7 of our 7 part docuseries What’s Up With Florida? Yes, our attempt to find out how the Sunshine State got to be as crazy as it is, is finally coming to an end. In the last few weeks, we went and hung out with retirees in the Villages. We went and marched with Nazis on the front lines at Disney World. And we infiltrated a meeting of the most controversial, far right school board in the entire country. Now for the final part of this series, we’re going to find out, who votes for Meatball Ron and his enablers? Meatball Ron And The Enablers, by the way, great band, I saw them at the Troubadour a few weeks ago. But while Ron Desantis may be getting pummeled by the establishment, there’s still a small percentage of people who would still vote for him. But even now his most hardcore evangelical base is beginning to ask questions about Florida’s dear leader.





Really? Come on, when you’ve lost the evangelical movement, you’ve lost. We can’t let it go that the evangelical right is getting more to the right and getting even weirder and crazier than you could ever imagine with each passing election. But here’s the thing is that Meatball Ron isn’t exactly what one would call the most charismatic candidate the GOP has ever had. And his anti-woke policies are wildly unpopular outside of talk radio and Fox News circles. So it’s basically a perfect storm of shit. Hell, to put it in Florida terms, it’s a Category 5 Shit Storm!





I’m seriously waiting for his “please clap” moment. But the thing we have to talk about is that the GOP’s ideas are grossly unpopular outside of the right wing talk show circuit. The scary thing is that it’s almost like the media is clamoring for that bloviating orange douchebag to return to the White House. Like his chaos is good for ratings. Peace and prosperity and functioning governments? Fuck that shit. We need to be ruled by dysfunctioning tyrants. Dysfunction Tyrants by the way – another awesome band! Though anyway yeah, we do not forsee this ending well for anybody.





Yeah womp womp! So you know by now that we’ve seen most of what Florida has to offer, despite that we got asked to leave the last two stops of our tour. Damn you hurricanes!! But in case you’re wondering if Florida is ever going to change – the answer is get used to it being far right batshit crazy, because it’s probably going to stay that way for the next ten years or more. It’s going to take absolutely massive turnouts of the youth vote in order to flip Florida. Texas too. But Fox News and AM talk radio are the reason why we can’t have nice things. And if we want to flip Florida, we got to get out there and run at every single opportunity.





[font size="4"]Next Week: [/font]

There is no next week. This is it. We’re finished! Thanks to everyone in Florida for putting up with our nonsense and we enjoyed our time there! This was fun! Good night everybody!





[font size="4"]And Now This: [/font]
[font size="4"]Hozier[/font]

Folks my next guest has a great new album out called “Unreal Unearth”. You can see him on tour through Nov. 15th including a stop at the Hollywood Bowl on Nov. 4th. Playing his song Francesca, give it up for Hozier!



Thank you Riverside! This was fun! I want to thank the good people at Riverside Municipal Auditorium for helping get things back on track. We’re off to Austin next. See you next week!

Credits

Host: Initech
Hozier Appears Courtesy Of: Sony Music Entertainment
Top 10 Conservative Idiots Recorded In Front Of A Live Audience At: Riverside Municipal Auditorium, Riverside, CA
Images: All images copyright belongs to respective copyright holders.
Videos: All videos copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Articles: All article content copyright belongs to respective copyright holders
Writing: Top 10 Writing Department
Graphics: Top 10 Graphics Department
Research: Top 10 Research Department
Lighting & Stage Props: Top 10 Lighting Department
Legal: Top 10 Legal Department
Advertising: Top 10 Advertising Department
HR: Top 10 Human Resources Department
Initech’s Wardrobe Provided By: JAB Inc.
Wheel Of Corruption By: Studio 1 Stage Props, Burbank, CA
Management: Initech Productions, CCC Management
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Initech Productions: Yes, We Got The Memo