January 9, 2018

Dear Very Stable Genius: The ingrates dont deserve you. So quit.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/post-partisan/wp/2018/01/08/dear-very-stable-genius-the-ingrates-dont-deserve-you-so-quit/?utm_term=.1cee51f524e6

From one very stable genius to another, I have some advice for President Trump: Resign immediately.

I feel you. Those small, petty, non-billionaire losers who attack you are not worthy of your brilliance. They don’t deserve the benefit of your intellect, your strength, your devastating good looks. Take your dazzling brain and your normal-size hands and go home. Let the ungrateful wretches suffer. Let them see how they like their precious little democracy without you. They don’t deserve Ivanka or Jared or Junior or Eric, either. Most of the complainers don’t even have glamorous fashion-model third wives. Sad!

The whiners in the Fake News Media lack your genius for language. In their so-called stories, they never mention that you’ve taught family members and high-ranking White House aides to communicate in a new language you devised as an improvement on standard English. In Trump administration genius-speak, “the president is a moron” clearly means “our Dear Leader is doing a magnificent job.” But will the Failing New York Times or the Amazon Washington Post report that? Not likely.

The losers totally fail to appreciate your advanced, post-literate techniques for processing complex information. They still have to rely on primitive methods such as “reading” and “listening” and “thinking.” They don’t understand — as you and I do, and as Aristotle surely would — that the best way to analyze a problem is to free-associate in an angry nonstop monologue while Fox News blares from a flat-screen on the wall.

January 5, 2018

Just another day at the supermarket.

We did our weekly grocery shopping the other day. As it is the first of the month we picked up lots of staples and so on. Came home and put the groceries away. Just another normal day. This evening our son went to get a glass of milk and noticed something.

A half-gallon of milk no longer exists. The jug is the same size. The label is the same. The price is the same. Oh wait, the label isn't quite the same. The job is no longer 2 quarts. It is 3 pints. Just like ice cream is no longer a 1/2 gallon. A pound of sugar isn't a pound. And on and on. Funny thing is the packaging doesn't change nor does the price. Just the amount inside the package.

Ah well, good thing those on fixed incomes are getting a raise in our Social Security payments are going up next year, right? Oh wait, so is our contribution to Medicare. And the increase in the bump in SS exactly equals the increase in our Medicare contribution. Imagine that.

January 4, 2018

A little late: The Parody Project - God Made Some Scary Gentlemen

January 4, 2018

You have to read Dana Milbank's latest in the WaPo! Sample below:

A considered response to Trump’s critics: Your momma!

I know I speak for all 320 million Americans when I say we did not know that word [...dotard]. Every one of us had to look it up. But Trump, Smarty McThinkalot that he is, knows how to talk to us. However else we may be divided, virtually all American voters have finished the third grade and therefore understand the language of playground insults. And nobody speaks it better than Trump.

As a patriotic American, I should be helping my country perfect the adolescent arts. And so, as gift to the president, I have composed a first draft of his State of the Union address:

My fellow Americans, including all of my enemies and haters, you idiot-holes. There are those who say that I am unfit to hold this office and who are calling for my impeachment. But what they do not realize is this: I’m rubber, you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you. Tag, no tag-backs. Yes, Democrat jerk-weeds kept us from repealing Obamacare, but we passed a huge tax cut for the rich. In your face! And after years of nothing from President Wimpy McSissypants, I told ISIS: Talk to the hand, because the face ain’t listening.

Let the word go forth to all fatheads who say my administration stinks of corruption: He who smelt it dealt it. Let all dog-breath goobers who say I am dragging down Republicans know this: LALALALALALA! I can’t hear you! And let everybody who thinks me a failure hear this: I know you are, but what am I? Your FACE is a failure.

The state of my union is bigger and more powerful than the state of your union. And your momma knows it.

There is also several paragraphs of how Kim Jong Un should have responded to trump. They could have had an back and forth of 3rd grade insult tweets until the grown-ups in the room took away their phones, thus ending the nuclear standoff.

Unfortunately, there is a paywall, but for those of you who can get through and read the whole thing:

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/a-considered-response-to-trumps-critics-your-momma/2018/01/03/57e484de-f0d1-11e7-b390-a36dc3fa2842_story.html?utm_term=.d4d386e0af20