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Member since: Sun Jun 27, 2010, 10:05 PM
Number of posts: 4,033

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Randy Rainbow tweet during SOTU:


"This is the longest cold open in SNL history. #SOTU"

Sarah H Sanders Proofreads State of the Union 1 Last Time to Remove Any Remaining Facts (Borowitz)


Sarah Huckabee Sanders Proofreads State of the Union One Last Time to Remove Any Remaining Facts

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, is proofreading the text of tonight’s State of the Union address one last time to remove any remaining facts, Sanders confirmed on Tuesday. The press secretary said that, for example, while purging the speech of truths, she noticed a reference to the African-American unemployment rate standing at 6.8 per cent, a statistic that she deemed “unacceptably correct.”

Taking her blue pencil to the text, Sanders changed the number to a “better-sounding” 2.3 per cent. “That may seem like a tiny detail, but it’s stuff like that that separates the professional liars from the mere amateurs,” she said.

Once Sanders is confident that she has obliterated any lingering traces of reality from the script, she will forward it to Donald J. Trump, who will insert misspellings. “It makes him more comfortable reading it on the teleprompter if things are spelled his way,” she said.

The prospect of delivering tonight’s speech appears to have energized Trump, who tweeted early Tuesday morning that he was “very much looking forward to the Steak of the Onion.”

Inside the secret, sinister and very illegal cabal trying to destroy Trump (Satire)


Inside the secret, sinister and very illegal cabal trying to destroy Trump

It began, as these things generally do, with Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-Benghazi). The voluble congressman, who speaks as if he is arguing the trial of the century even if he is ordering breakfast, went on Fox News on Tuesday to divulge a secret. “There’s a text exchange between these two FBI agents” — Peter Strzok and Lisa Page, who had originally been on Robert S. Mueller III’s Russia probe — “saying that perhaps this is the first meeting of the ‘secret society,’ ” Gowdy announced. “I’m going to want to know what secret society are you talking about.”

A secret society! The Illuminati? The Carbonari? Or perhaps the dreaded Rigatoni? Or, um, maybe, given that Strzok and Page were lovers, their text was actually a joke or a flirtation.


[Minutes from Secret Society meeting:]

Society for Harassing and Impeaching Trump with Hearsay, Outrageous Lies and Extralegal Schemes

Recording Secretary: Maddow, R.

The meeting was called to order at noon. Society officers greeted each other with the secret fist bump, recited the secret Pledge of Allegiance to Saul Alinsky, and then knelt for the national anthem, sung by an illegal immigrant.

In attendance: Podesta, J., worshipful master; Comey, J., senior warden; Mueller, R., junior warden; Rosenstein, R., inner guard; McCabe, A., pursuivant; Strzok, P., steward; Page, L., almoner; Clapper, J., grand sword bearer; Yates, S., grand registrar; Brennan, J., chancellor; Soros, G., treasurer. Absent: Clinton, H., grand standard-bearer.

Members voted to accept as submitted the minutes of the November 2016 meeting, titled “How Our Gal Lost,” and of the December 2016 meeting, titled “Witch Hunt: Is Our Phony Dossier Working?”

The steering committee presented its Inauguration Day recommendations in a report titled “Underhanded and Conspiratorial Things We Can Do to Make Trump Look Bad.”

Much more at link. If you can get to the WaPo, well worth your time to read the whole thing. It is an absolute Hoot!

Sandy and Richard Riccardi - Stormy Daniels

House GOPers Say A Secret Memo Could End The Trump-Russia Probe. Their Staff Wrote It.

Source: Huffington Post

WASHINGTON ― House Republicans spent the end of the workweek telling everyone who would listen that the American people must be allowed to see a top-secret four-page document that could bring an end to special counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into Russian interference with the 2016 elections.

One thing about that document: Republican staffers wrote it.

The memo Republican staffers compiled reveals information that is “absolutely shocking,” “sickening,” “jaw-dropping” and “worse than Watergate,” GOP members of Congress said Thursday and Friday. The document could send government officials to jail, one congressman said. “Is this happening in America or is this the KGB?” asked another.

The document, which alleges abuses of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act during the FBI’s quiet counterintelligence investigation into the Trump campaign in the final months of the 2016 election, was actually compiled by Republican staffers on the House Intelligence Committee. That committee voted along partisan lines this week to allow any member of Congress to take a peek at the document themselves. Republican members soon flocked to a secure room to read the memo written by their allies — and then ran to tell the press about it.

Read more: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/trump-russia-mueller-fbi-doj-house-gop_us_5a613a58e4b01d91b25446b5?ncid=inblnkushpmg00000009

Trump Fears Next Election Will Be Decided by Americans (Borowitz)


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump is “scared to death” that the 2020 Presidential election will be decided by Americans, an aide to Trump has confirmed.

The aide, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said that Trump is panicking over a doomsday scenario in which Americans, sidelined during the 2016 election, play a dominant role in influencing the 2020 contest.
“It sounds paranoid, but, as we speak, representatives of the United States are already plotting to remove him from office in 2020,” the aide said. “They are determined to replace him with someone who takes a move favorable view toward their country.”

The aide said that the Americans, frustrated by Trump’s open hostility to the United States since taking office, will “stop at nothing” to achieve their ultimate goal: installing an agent of the U.S. in the Oval Office.“It’s pretty clear what the Americans are up to,” the aide said. “They want a puppet who will do the bidding of the United States of America.”

While Trump has reportedly ordered his staff to do everything in its power to prevent Americans from meddling in the 2020 election, the prospect of U.S. nationals deciding the next Presidential race has clearly left the White House rattled. “Americans are going to use voter registration, social media, and anything else at their disposal to hand the election to someone who will advance their interests,” he said. “That’s what keeps Trump up at night.”

Donald Trump owes each and every American money (CNN)


(CNN) Donald Trump owes each and every American money. And I don't mean the trickle-down economics kind that supposedly accompanies tax cuts to the one percent. I'm talking a check to every man, women and child for $3,239 per week until his presidency ends.

Why? Well, because Trump has cast us all in his dysfunctional reality show, and we deserve to be paid the SAG-AFTRA union minimum for being on a network reality show, which is currently $3,239 per week. True, we aren't cast members on an actual reality show. But Trump still owes us something for everything he is putting us through. The Trump presidency has been like the reality show "Hell's Kitchen" but with no kitchen and an extra helping of hell.

And Trump is indeed running his administration like a B-level reality show. Trump reportedly told his top aides "to think of each presidential day as an episode in a television show." And Trump has done just that with public brawls, curse-laden name calling, public firings (akin to what he did on "The Apprentice" and the pitting of people against each other in his own administration.

Trump Warns That President Oprah Would Force Americans to Read (Borowitz)


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump issued a stark warning to the nation on Monday that, if elected President, Oprah Winfrey would force Americans to read. “This is a woman who, every chance she got, told people to join her book club,” Trump told reporters. “If she were President, you better believe that she would make every single American join that book club.”

Claiming that Winfrey “never met a book she didn’t like,” Trump accused her of planning to institute an “individual book mandate,” which would require non-reading Americans to pay as much as two thousand dollars a year for refusing to read a book.

“People were worried about Obama coming to their homes and taking away their guns,” Trump said. “Oprah will come to your homes and leave books there, which is far, far worse.”

Joining Trump in his remarks was the Education Secretary, Betsy DeVos, who warned about the dangers of Winfrey’s pro-book agenda. “I am a firm believer in school choice,” DeVos said. “And central to that is the choice not to read.”
Posted by Stonepounder | Tue Jan 9, 2018, 02:44 AM (2 replies)

Donald Trump Renominates Court Picks Rated Not Qualified To Serve

Source: Huffington Post

WASHINGTON ― President Donald Trump on Monday resubmitted 21 judicial nominees to the Senate whose nominations expired in 2017 ― including two rated “not qualified” to be federal judges by the American Bar Association.

Charles Goodwin and Holly Teeter are among those in the president’s renominations. The ABA concluded in December that Goodwin, Trump’s nominee to a lifetime seat on the U.S. District Court for the Western District of Oklahoma, is unqualified to fulfill the demands of a federal judge given his “work habits.” The ABA concluded in November that Teeter, Trump’s nominee to a lifetime seat on the U.S. District Court for the District of Kansas, is not qualified based on her lack of trial court experience.

Judicial nominees rarely earn such an abysmal rating from the ABA, which has reviewed more than 1,700 federal judicial nominees since 1989. None of President Barack Obama’s nominees were rated “not qualified” during his eight years in office. Eight of President George W. Bush’s earned the rating during his two terms. In Trump’s case, four have earned the rating in his first year. Senate Republicans actually confirmed one of them, for some reason. The other one bowed out in embarrassment.

Part of Trump’s problem is that he’s flying through judicial nominations without much vetting, and he’s not submitting potential court picks to the ABA before he announces their nominations. Most presidents wait for the ABA rating to come out before announcing a nominee, in part to save face in case one of their nominees gets a bad rating. Obama had a handful of potential court picks who got a “not qualified” rating, but then they were never formally nominated.

Read more: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/donald-trump-judicial-nominees-not-qualified_us_5a4fc2cae4b01e1a4b14e51d?ncid=inblnkushpmg00000009

He has also has renominated Kathleen Hartnett White to lead the Council on Environmental Quality. The controversial former Texas regulator once called climate change-inducing carbon dioxide a “harmless trace gas” that was merely “plant food.” As well as renominating K.T. McFarland to be Ambassador to Singapore.

I guess he figures that it is Congress' duty to confirm whoever HE wants.
Posted by Stonepounder | Tue Jan 9, 2018, 01:50 AM (5 replies)

Dear Very Stable Genius: The ingrates dont deserve you. So quit.


From one very stable genius to another, I have some advice for President Trump: Resign immediately.

I feel you. Those small, petty, non-billionaire losers who attack you are not worthy of your brilliance. They don’t deserve the benefit of your intellect, your strength, your devastating good looks. Take your dazzling brain and your normal-size hands and go home. Let the ungrateful wretches suffer. Let them see how they like their precious little democracy without you. They don’t deserve Ivanka or Jared or Junior or Eric, either. Most of the complainers don’t even have glamorous fashion-model third wives. Sad!

The whiners in the Fake News Media lack your genius for language. In their so-called stories, they never mention that you’ve taught family members and high-ranking White House aides to communicate in a new language you devised as an improvement on standard English. In Trump administration genius-speak, “the president is a moron” clearly means “our Dear Leader is doing a magnificent job.” But will the Failing New York Times or the Amazon Washington Post report that? Not likely.

The losers totally fail to appreciate your advanced, post-literate techniques for processing complex information. They still have to rely on primitive methods such as “reading” and “listening” and “thinking.” They don’t understand — as you and I do, and as Aristotle surely would — that the best way to analyze a problem is to free-associate in an angry nonstop monologue while Fox News blares from a flat-screen on the wall.
Posted by Stonepounder | Tue Jan 9, 2018, 01:40 AM (0 replies)
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