June 23, 2017

***EXCLUSIVE: White House releases written transcript of Trump-Comey conversation***

Statement from the White House is as follows:
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**On June 22, 2017, President Trump admitted that as it pertains to his statement on Twitter on May 12, 2017--specifically implying that there might have been recordings of conversations he had with former FBI Director James Comey--he did not have possession of any actual taped conversations. However, in the interests of full disclosure, the White House wishes to qualify his statement in that there were at one point tapes of at least one conversation that the President had with Director Comey. Unfortunately, due to the tape being left in the President's pants during a recent laundry cycle, the physical tape was destroyed during a warm wash delicate rinsing. Fortunately, the contents of the tape had been previously transcribed prior to the tape's inadvertent destruction. The following is a read out of a conversation the President had with Director Comey on the evening of January 27, 2017: **

DONALD J. TRUMP, 45th PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES (DJT): (On phone) Well, it sure is a pleasure to speak with both you gentlemen, the presidents of the Toyota Motor Corporation and the Honda Motor Company.....What's that? You say you want to close all your factories overseas and immediately move them to the United States? All because you want the pleasure of doing business with me? Why, that's terrific! I'll draw up the paperwork immediately...(Knocking on door)....Hold on, I have to go, someone's at my door.

(Director Comey enters the Oval Office)

JAMES COMEY, FBI DIRECTOR (JC): Hello, Mr. Donald, it's me, Jimmy Comey! I'm a super tall goofball! A-duh!

DJT: Director Comey, you cannot keep on pestering me like this, day in and day out! I have too much important business that must be tended to instead of dealing with your insipid shenanigans!

JC: Rub-a-dub-dub, what's up for your grub? You got pop-tarts? I love pop-tarts! Oh! Oh! Confetti Cupcake, please! That's my favorite!

DJT: Well, I suppose I could spare a few minutes. But please, let's keep it brief. I've got a lot of things to do. Why, I'm afraid I'll hardly get any sleep tonight.

(Phone rings, the President answers)

DJT: Hello, who is this?....CNN?.....What?....No, you cannot run a story claiming my father was Batboy! I simply won't stand for it! The line must be drawn HERE! This far, and no further!*

(The President slams down the phone)

JC: Mr. Donald, who's the picture of the purty lady over there? She's purty!

DJT: Who, her? That's supermodel Kate Upton. She sent that picture to me, claiming she's absolutely taken by my chiseled, muscular good looks, my charming personality and my super large hands. Why, I'm quite flattered. Really, I am. However, I am but a married man, and I wouldn't dream of disrespecting my beloved wife Melania like that. In no way would I ever take advantage of a tender young woman besmitten by me like that.

JC: I should know that. I'm the dictator of the BFI. That means Butt Fart Inspector! Hyuck! Hyuck! Hyuck!

DJT: Director Comey, please! If you have something important to talk about, let me know now. Otherwise, let me be! (Phone rings) Hold on....

(The President answers)

DJT: Hello?....Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto?....What's that you say? You want to pay for a border wall?....And to personally fund the healthcare for over 300 million Americans? That's excellent, mi amigo. Please, this Cinco De Mayo, come over to the White House. I will serve you the best Taco Bowl you've ever tasted. You won't regret it!

(The President hangs up the phone)

DJT: I'm sorry, what where you going to say?

JC: A-duh! My wife left me for our plumber and my kids refuse to acknowledge who I am! I'm a sad, pathetic failure, Mr. Donald!

DJT: Well, that's quite unfortunate but sadly not of my concern. Might I suggest family counseling? Anyways, there actually is one thing I did want to speak with you about.

JC: What's that, Mr. Donald?

DJT: It's about Russia.

JC: Russia? Where's that? Oh, wait, that's in Iowa, right? Oh goodie, I love corn!

DJT: That's...never mind. I know from our prior conversations you had mentioned there was a counter-intelligence investigation regarding my National Security Advisor, Michael Flynn. There apparently are concerns that he may have had some improper dealings with various Russian officials. That's quite a serious matter and one that deserves the utmost attention of the intelligence and law enforcement communities. However, the situation has continued to eat at me to no end! I fear the perception might be that I myself had something to do with such a sordid affair! That the people of this country could be swayed by random, wild-eyed notions that I owe large sums of money to shady Russian figures or that I paid Russian prostitutes to pee on a bed that President Obama once slept on! Stories that could never, ever possibly be true because there's absolutely no evidence that will ever show them to be true, ever!

JC: You said pee! Haw-haw!

DJT: Anyways, you must look me in the eye. Do it! Look me straight in the eye as I ask you this very important query: Am I......(the President sniffles).....Am I under investigation? Lay it to me straight, Director Comey!

JC: Uh, what's an investigation? Wait, is that like a...vest?

DJT: I shall take your response as a no! Vindication!

JC: I have a vest. It's cool looking. It's green, with patches. I got it from the Boy Scouts. They still let me go to meetings, even though I'm 56 years old now. Camping is fun.

DJT: And another thing. This investigation of yours, you must follow it through all on your own. You must bring it to a conclusion whenever you yourself feel you have reached all the facts. You should never feel forced by anyone to alter the course of your investigation because of political pressure. Not even from me, the President of the United States of America! For I myself am not above the law! I am but a humble servant of the American people!

(At this point, a bald eagle swoops in through an open window and perches itself on the President's left shoulder, while two American flags flap in the breeze behind him and "The Star Spangled Banner" begins to play over the intercom.)

JC: You sure do love America, Mr. Donald. I myself like to watch Spongebob in my jammies while I eat cereal with cheap bourbon instead of milk.

DJT: I must show you out now, Director Comey. I'm afraid I have some very important business to deal with soon. I'm expecting a phone call. It's from the President of ISIS. He says he wants to immediately renounce all violence and lay down all arms, and instead focus on partnering with me to build a chain of luxury hotels and golf resorts worldwide. Oh, it will truly be a great day for the entire world!

JC: That's okay, Mr. Donald. I have to go meet Hillary Clinton now. She says she wants to go around and murder rogue DNC staffers and then sacrifice their bodies up to her dark lord Satan. We do that every Friday night. Afterwards, she takes me to Jamba Juice.

DJT: Fare thee well, Director Comey! Safe travels, and never forget the duty that both you and I have pledged to this great country.

JC: Ha-ha, you said doodie, Mr. Donald! Tootles!

**END OF RECORDING**

*These were the President's very exact words, and the White House vehemently rejects any sort of contention from Patrick Stewart and/or Captain Jean Luc Picard that such a statement actually came from the 1996 movie Star Trek: First Contact, co-starring Mr. James Cromwell and Ms. Alfre Woodard.

June 14, 2017

As always in the immediate hours after one of these events, this is a vital read:

June 13, 2017

Tom Cotton is grandstanding and being just a douchebag in general right now. nt

June 9, 2017

Okay, Trump. You're really going to go with the "vindication" thing? Really? Honestly?

The former director of the FBI called you a "liar" under oath. He didn't say you "misspoke". He didn't say you "misrepresented". He didn't say you "weren't truthful." He didn't say you "deceived."

He actually said that you "lied." His words. Not mine.

Ouch.

He also said you "directed" him to drop the investigation, and I know you're going to try to spin by claiming that he didn't say you "ordered" him to drop the investigation, but stop bullshitting us around as if "I hope you can see your way clear to letting this go"--right after you had cleared the room--wasn't anything but an instruction.

He also said that you fired him because he wouldn't drop the investigation, not for any internal problems in the FBI or for the bullshit excuse you forced your Assistant AG claim was the supposed reason. But hey, we already know that. Just ask Lester Holt. Or the Russian ambassadors.

And yet you claim he vindicated you, totally and completely. You also accuse him of being a "leaker". You like the word "leak" a lot, but honestly whenever you say it, it just makes us think of other things--you know, "that thing"--and we just can't help but giggle. So keep at it, why don't you?

So you feel "totally and completely vindicated" over someone you also claimed lied and was a "leaker".

You're even a bigger moron than I had previously thought.

But in the words of a great man who actually deserved the title of office of President, a man you will never, ever, ever equal in greatness or legacy or simple basic common sense humanity:

Please, proceed.

June 7, 2017

Richard Nixon spoke a brief, yet absolute and undeniable truth to the country.

Unfortunately, this tidbit frequently gets overlooked by what he said in his very next breath, which was probably the defining quote of his legacy: "Well, I am not a crook."

The words "I am not a crook" has been repeated, analyzed, dramatized, parodied, etc. ad nauseum. Notably, when he said them at the 1973 Annual Convention of the Associated Press Managing Editors Association in Orlando, he was not directly addressing the Watergate scandal (although he did address that scandal at other points during his question and answer session.) He was actually addressing a question concerning whether or not he improperly profited off of some real estate dealings. But ultimately, the quote has been attributed to his role in Watergate and I'm certain Watergate was on his mind when he said it.

But too often we forget what Nixon said immediately preceding "I am not a crook." And it epitomized Nixon's legacy, which was that throughout the corruption and paranoia and personality flaws were mixed in surprising--if fleeting--moments of introspection, self-reflection and honest wisdom. But what else could you expect from someone who brought us the EPA and normalized relations with China and yet also brought us Watergate and an escalation of the Vietnam War?

But Richard Nixon, in those 13 words, spoke something that should be recognized as universally true. The American people are owed a duty to see for themselves whether or not the person leading them is honest or corrupt.

And it's something we need to keep in mind today in 2017 as we analyze and consider the man who legally (if not morally) holds the title as the 45th President of the United States. A man whose sins might very well eclipse those of Nixon and Watergate, and yet someone who absolutely does not possess Nixon's ability of occasional honest introspection, nor any of his intelligence.

The bottom line--as I sit here at this moment watching several officials duck and dance around questions concerning their dealings with Donald Trump without providing any real straight answers--is this:

The American people have got to know whether or not Donald J. Trump is a crook.