Tourism: One Way for the 99% to Achieve the American Dream

With the global .001%'s ownership of America's resources and offshoring of American jobs, Americans are left with nothing to sell. Or are we?

When all else fails, we could try tourism. What fascinates foreigners about America, but they're too fearful (and rightfully so) to witness for themselves? Why, it's our pathetic acceptance of oppression in the name of the Lord, amen. We could profit off what shames us (or should shame us).


Here's how I see it: a new type of Disneyland, Merkaland (or Murkaland), in every major city.

What would it have?

ACCESS
Only foreign passport-carrying customers could be admitted. Yep, all "them illegals" with passports. Additionally, signs would be in multiple languages and different employees would speak different languages. We are a melting pot, after all.

SAFETY
No guns, no exceptions. No Americans (except for employees), no exceptions. No children under sixteen, no exceptions.

ENVIRON

On entry, tourists would see dilapidated buildings with robotic rats running throughout. Television screens everywhere would play Fox News, as is, or some current reality show, as is, where animals are beaten or killed for pleasure.

At any given time, "the highway bridge" might collapse with a deafening noise, after which all television screens would have elected official employees talk about "doing something about this."

Tourists could tour middle schools, where a staged assault would fake kill a large number of student and teacher employees. After this, all television screens would have elected official employees talk about "learning from this."

Every black employee would be the victim of staged assaults by police employees.

Every cross-dressing employee would be the victim of staged assaults by thug employees.

Protester employees would be fake pepper-sprayed or fake tased by police employees.

Groups of young male employees would either taunt tourists with, "Speak English, you moron!" or just annoy them by shouting, "We're number one! We're number one!"

Older white employees wearing teabag hats would talk angrily about the Constitution, saving Medicare from the filthy government, and what Jesus wants.

Gravesite services would be held for the latest little child who was murdered by a younger sibling who'd gotten hold of an unsecured gun in the house. Prayers would include the saving of the child's soul and the need to protect gun rights.

Churches, churches, churches. Jesus churches only. There'd be the occasional staged shootout inside, but mostly crying ministers asking for forgiveness for having sex with their horses.

Bars, bars, bars. All bar employees would carry guns openly. Tourists would never be sure if they'd be shot, carried out on a stretcher, and left in the street to fake die.

EMPLOYMENT "RIDES"
Tourists could spend a day doing an American job.

They could be a telemarketer. Some may agree to not leave the job until they get a sale (this could range from either a half hour to four hours, depending on how the randomizer plays out).

If the tourist is physically fit, s/he could pick fake fruit in a hot, humid "fake field" room for as long as desired.

For an extra fee, tourists could sit in an office cube for 10 hours (which includes three 15-minute nature breaks and sandwiches). They'd attend phone conference after phone conference, listening to one bloviator after another and viewing god-awful Powerpoint decks via Sametime. They could speak only when asked direct questions.

ROOM & BOARD

Tourists could sleep in a cardboard box.

Or they might prefer sharing floor space in a homeless shelter, where, during the night, rubber rats on strings swoop down from the ceiling to graze them.

There's always prison, of course, where a tourist might be woken in the middle of the night and brought to another room where he or she would have to hug a big, scary fake inmate employee for a half hour.

They could also spend the night in a one-room house, but they run a 50% chance of the place being invaded by a fake sheriff, who demands they leave. They're left to wander the streets and witness nighttime fake violence.

One possible way for a tourist to get rest would be staying in a hospital as a brain-dead patient. This would mean not leaving the bed for 24 hours (so bedpans!) and being hooked up to fake machine and fake tubes and drips. Any time the tourist spoke a $100 fee per word would be charged, no exceptions. There would be an ongoing prayer group around the bed, so real sleep would be iffy at best.

Luxury accommodations would always appear to be a possibility, as there would be signs everywhere for it. However, all signs would ultimately lead to a booth with pamphlets about Dubai.

Plastic burgers could be purchased at fast food shops, but the only real food could be found in garbage cans (not real garbage, of course!).