August 30, 2017

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #3-12: Wheel Of Corruption: On Stranger Tides Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #3-12: Wheel Of Corruption: On Stranger Tides Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! The Top 10 Conservative Idiots has a +-1% in reliability over the leading Top 10 Provider. Switch today and save! We are back everybody! We got a lot of idiocy so I'll make the intro short this week. Can we talk about creepy clowns? I know I can't get enough of creepy clowns in the news, but the reboot of Stephen King's classic movie IT is coming into theaters this week. And it's caused a lot of controversy. Mainly in the clown community. Before we get into that, you know one corporation we support here is the Alamo Drafthouse, and they're having an all clown showing of IT the week after the movie's released complete with clown-related activities. But the movie IT has brought back something that has been on everyone's minds that really resurfaced big time last year - which is Coulrophobia - the fear of clowns. And the World Clown Association isn't having any of it. In fact they say it's detremental and counterproductive to the movement. Meanwhile I'm told there's an actual dating website for professional clowns - and many of them attribute their love of clowns. This is a bit hypocritical isn't it? Actual clowns love the original "IT", and are looking forward to the remake, but the World Clown Association isn't having any of it. This is making insanely good sense.



Something to get you in the mood! OK enough of the intro! But first Bill Maher is back and he’s got one of his best New Rules segments that he’s had in a while and destroys Trump:



God where do we begin after what happened on Friday? Well we’re going to bring back the Wheel Of Corruption which has been dormant for a while. Sheesh we saw Dictator Trump in his pure unfiltered form on Friday. In the first slot we’re going to talk about Trump’s pardon of Sheriff Joe and neither one of them will come out ahead in this one. In the second slot, we’re going to talk about Trump’s ban on transgender troops in the military escalating. In the third slot, we’re going to do a deep dive on Hurricane Harvey and Donald Trump’s (3) response to it. In the number 4 slot we were originally going to trash Joel Osteen for his decision to close the doors of his megachurch as shelter, but now we’re going to talk about the big “fuck you” that America’s religious conservatives delivered to the LGBT community called “The Nashville Statement”. In the number 5 slot is a group called “Patriot Prayer”. You might not have heard about the organization but they were in charge of the failed rally in San Francisco last week. In the number 6 slot we’re going to debut a new feature. This is called “Know Your Alt Right” – see we’re not here just to report the news but we’re going to educate you as well as entertain! So we’re going to talk about getting to know the Alt Right. In the seventh slot is a new installment of “This Fucking Guy” and this week’s “This Fucking Guy” is Trump’s closest advisor and guy who has his tin foil hat permanently sowed to his brain, Roger Stone (7). At number 8 is Alex Jones, and he has fucking lost it. I mean really the guy couldn’t be any more insane than he is this week. But we’re going to do something different – we’re going to show you Alex Jones rants, and then suggest the corresponding product from the Infowars store you should buy! At number 8 - the number 9 (NEIN!!!!!) slot we’ve got yet another installment of “People Are Dumb”. Because the stupid keeps coming, and wait until you see what ESPN did! Just… wow. And we will end this week with the next leg of our World Tour 2017. And for the first time since the World Tour began – we are heading to a new continent! This time we’re going on a safari as we head to South Africa! Plus continuing our tradition of having music representative of the country, we are going to end with the Johannesburg EP, as performed by Mumford & Sons featuring African musicians Baaba Maal & Beatenburg. This is a great EP by the way if you don’t have it it’s only a mere $5 on iTunes. Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br] B

Come on everybody say it with me. It’s time for the WHEEL OF CORRUPTION!!!! Yayyyyyyyyy!!!



The wheel is back everybody! And of course if we had a bigger budget we’d have our own graphics and theme music. Yes just like last time I’ll talk about whatever the wheel lands on. But remember that if it lands on the Guacamole option that it costs $1.50 extra. So this week the items on the wheel will be:

- Go Directly To Jail
- Clip Without Context
- Guacamole
- 5,000
- Fundies Say The Darndest Things
- Whammy
- Community Chest
- Bankrupt
- Voter Fraud
- Nazis
- Booze
- Chance
- People Are Dumb
- Buy A Vowel
- Donald Trump
- My Wife
- Religion
- Bathrooms
- Double Whammy
- A Recent Study
- Guns
- World Tour 2017
- Music
- Twitter
- Whammy
- I Need A Drink
- People Who Somehow Got Elected
- Pirates
- 10,000
- How Is This Still A Thing?
- Talk Shows
- California
- Golf
- Twitter
- Fox News
- 15,000
- Polls
- This F**king Guy
- A Random Tweet
- Conspiracy Theories
- Russia
- Something random in the news
- Pirates!!
- ??? (Mystery)
- T-Shirt Cannon
- You’re Fired
- Florida (Obviously)
- Infowars
- Lightning Round
- Bonus Spin

Let’s get this going! Spin that shit! No whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop! Clip without context!




No, there’s no need for “basic voodoo hypnotism”. Trump is doing a perfectly good job of demonizing himself, Lance. Spin it again! Donald Trump! so by now you know that Trump screwed the pooch big time by issuing a full pardon to embattled Sheriff Joe Arpaio – which is a slap in the face to all the prisoners who had to endure torture and humiliation under this fucking asshole.





Yeah so there’s that. And as if it couldn’t get any worse. You know how the racists say they’re emboldened under Trump? Well they just got a whole lot more emboldened:





But there’s not just emboldening the racists – Trump just proved to Joe Arpaio that white collar crime not only pays, it pays big time! And of course he’s blaming Obama, because, reasons.





But Joe isn’t merely driving here – that’s the way he is every single day! And of course he’s considering running for Senate, because, reasons. Do not let this guy get in the Senate. Don’t do it Arizona!





That needs to be played again, because I can’t emphasize what a terrible idea this is:



That felt good! I could spend the whole edition on why pardoning Sheriff Joe is a terrible idea, but all you need to know is who’s defending him – our favorite ultra racist representative Steve King! Yup – racist birds of a feather flock together! And that can’t be good for anybody!



Sigh… of course he doesn’t.




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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin the wheel shall we? That was a nice spin there, and it lands on… wait for it… Clip Without Context!




Sigh... Stop it. Just seriously... stop it. I don't even think Jesus knows what to say regarding your stupidity, Dave. Spin it again! And it lands on… Donald Trump. We got to talk about the Phoenix rally. We won’t delve much into the hurricane coverage yet but we’ll keep an eye out for it for next week – mainly what Trump does. But for now let’s trash his rally from last week. And this is your regular reminder that Trump loves his crowd sizes!





I mean holy shit… and then there was this guy. Can we show this guy?







Yeah WTF lol. I mean really Trump couldn’t even get the one black guy right! And he’s a batshit crazy extremist as well! I mean really…



Well we might all be doing cannonballs in the streets of Houston. Because we do need to talk about the hurricane for a few minutes.



Really if you haven’t already – text Harvey to the Red Cross helpline at 90999 and help out if you can with a donation. Believe me they need it especially after seeing this:





Yup! While Houston is literally drowning, Trump is bragging about crowd size! And I’m sure that Trump’s handling of Hurricane Harvey has nothing to do with this:





But there’s lots of things we could discuss related to the hurricane. Mainly this. This is why we can’t have nice things people! I mean really, Houston is drowning, and we’re discussing this shit?





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Nice try Ann, that shit may have flown 15 years ago, but it ain’t working now! Yeah there’s that. And then there’s Ann Coulter playing the blame game:





And then there’s this douchebag. Be careful what you tweet people!






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin it to win it! And it lands on… Polls!





Spin it again! And it lands on… wait for it… Bathrooms! Specifically, Donald Trump’s transgender military ban, which he thought he could slip by on Friday without anyone noticing. So what is Trump planning to do to our trans men and women who are serving our military? So here’s what happened.





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Except this wont make America great again! In fact this is the opposite of make America great again! I mean how bad is it? Come on audience say it with me: HOW BAD IS IT?





Yeah it’s wrong all right. It’s wrong on so many fucking levels and it doesn’t take a five star general to figure this one out! I mean how much worse could it be?





Yeah it’s that bad and it’s possibly getting worse! I mean all this is doing is accomplishing two things – the first is pissing off liberals. That we can all agree on. The second is placating to Trump’s base of hatemongers, racist uncles, and assholes. And yeah it’s even worse than we think! But the good news is that it’s being challenged and will hopefully go to SCOTUS:






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[font size="8"]The Nashville Statement

[br] [/font] [br]

Entering the spin zone! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop! And it lands on… A Random Tweet!

https://twitter.com/MarcusC1975/status/901528272961495040


So much wrong here I don’t even know where to begin. Now if I remember my Republicanese correctly… as far as their grammar rules go – any words that are spelled alike may be spelled differently at random so sight / site, loiters / lotters, you know how it goes. Spin it again! How Is This Still A Thing?

Time once again for:



This week – marriage bigotry. How is this still a thing? So this week, America’s religious conservatives delivered the ultimate “fuck you” to America’s LGBT community by signing something called “The Nashville Statement”, or as we're calling it, the "Bigot Manifesto", which systematically defined the religious definition of marriage as being between a man and a woman, and nothing else counts. Well, fuck you, religious conservatives. Here’s more:





I think even Jesus himself would be pissed off that this bullshit is still happening, even in the wake of the 2015 SCOTUS decision. And we can all agree that nothing good comes from the word “manifesto”, does it? So religious conservatives have something in common with the Unabomber. Let’s go through some of this thing – it’s certifiably insane.



Oh here we go – the persecuted Christian. Remember we asked how they were still a thing? And did they really need a preamble to this thing? This isn’t the fucking Declaration Of Independence. This is more the Dickwad Declaration. Let’s continue:





I believe this document is dishonoring God because even he doesn’t know what to say regarding their stupidity. So let’s skip most of the preamble and get right to the articles. And in the interest of time and logic – something this document is against, we’ll skip around a bit. Article I:



They could have just skipped a step and said “if you don’t believe what we believe, fuck you”. Article III:



Wait a minute – so are they for equality or against it? Sounds like they’re against it, as the typical white Christian male who cheats on his wife frequently would have you believe. Article 9 (NEIN!!!!):



Isn’t this literally the same thing that was said in the first 8 articles? Why must it bear repeating? Like we said, you could have skipped a step and just said “fuck you”. Article 11:



Does that include when a good Christian man abuses his wife for doing feminine things? Answer me that, oh holy rollers! Finally there’s Article 14:



Well… you know what they say about people with short arms and tiny hands…



So in the 24 hours since this document was released, even the mayor of Nashville is condemning this statement:

https://twitter.com/MayorMeganBarry/status/902557781336711170



So the Mayor of Nashville denounced her own city’s “Statement” on bigotry and isolation rather than inclusion. That’s enough to make you ask – gay marriage bigotry:




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[font size="8"]Patriot Prayer
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s give the wheel a spin shall we? Ooh that was a good strong spin there. And it lands on… wait for it…
Chance! Sweet, I get a “Get Out Of Jail Free” card.



I’ll just put that away for later. Spin it again! And it lands on… The Alt Right! Last weekend in San Francisco, there was a hate march being planned. Well, the alt right almost got away with it. Almost. They’ve been responsible for conservative “rallies” in Virginia, UC Berkeley, Evergreen College, and the one in Portland Oregon responsible for the stabbing deaths of two people on an MTA train trying to protect an Islamic girl from getting harassed by a free speecher. But… they’re not violent, folks! Here’s what happened to Patriot Prayer this week.





Of course they blame the left, because the GOP can never take blame for their own stupidity, so you blame somebody else! By the way, if you want to annoy a republican – simply correct them when they call it “The Democrat Party”. Because they look really stupid then! They hate that. They hate even more that they can’t carry their favorite symbols with them – tiki torches and… pets?



And why bring dog feces into it? I mean let’s not make the park a biohazard here!





Why bring your dog to a rally? What did your dog do to deserve that? Oh and this might be my favorite part of the rally.





Well, to be fair, Trump at least got one wall built! Thank you! But this gets even better – unlike the last time the alt right blind sided UC Berkeley, this time the police and protestors were ready for them!





And of course they’re blaming the left for violence, because reasons. Like the good liars that they are. I mean these people lie like it’s a bodily function!






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[font size="8"]Know Your Alt Right
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s give the wheel a good strong spin shall we? Ooh that was a good spin there! And it lands on… wait for it… something random in the news!





Holy shit, these guys know how to hold a grudge don’t they? Spin it again! And it lands on… sweet! The mystery item! For this next entry we’re going to do something a bit different. Rather than make fun of current events – we’re going to educate you. In fact remember our 5 part lecture series last year on how to talk about Trump? Well this is only going to be one part for now, and we’re going to teach you how to Know Your Alt Right. For starters let’s get any lecture going with some terminology. So what is the Alt Right?



And then what is Kek? That is a term commonly associated with the Alt Right.



The Kek flag:



And the other term that is commonly associated with the alt right is the term “cuck”. What is a cuck?



Some other Alt Right Terms you should know:





Easy answer to that question: YES! These people are insane. I’ve compared the alt right to Insane Clown Posse fans before, but this could easily debunk that comparison:



Juggalos *AND* The KKK on the same day at the same time? Ooh, who has popcorn and beer?



But they even can’t get online bullying – the only thing they know how to do – right! I mean look at this!



Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! They can’t even get that shit right! As if you needed any further proof that they’re deranged, even their leaders are liars and criminals! Like this guy – Based Stick Man:





But here’s something really interesting – if you’re thinking about learning more about them by going undercover as one of them, uh, you should probably rethink that choice. As one guy found out:






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[font size="8"]Roger Stone
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin it to win it! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop! And it’s another clip without context!



How about this – how about we don’t rely on douchebags who call themselves “coaches” for advice on how to live life? Oh and you think you’re so clever by saying “worship god, not government”. That’s quite possibly the stupidest thing that conservatives have ever come up with! Get the fuck out of here! Thank you! Spin it again! And it lands on… wait for it… This Fucking Guy!



This fucking guy this week is one of Trump’s senior advisors and a guy who has his tin foil hat permanently sown into his brain – Roger Stone. Yeah you might remember Roger Stone as the guy who wrote that scathing book on Bill Clinton back during the impeachment trial. And the GOP has held a 27 year grudge ever since. I mean really. So what did Mr. Stone do this week?





Holy fuck! Don’t mess with this fucking guy! So he’s basically saying if you don’t worship Trump 100% you will burn in eternal hellfire! I mean could he get any crazier? Short answer: Yeah. In fact Roger Stone’s remarks were so controversial that he was recently blacklisted by stoners, a group that he previously had a good repore with!





Dude, what do you have to do to get blacklisted by stoners? I really want to know! In fact Roger Stone is batshit fucking crazy. He’s so crazy that he thinks a full on civil war will erupt if Trump is impeached:





Holy shit really! I mean this guy loves him some hyperbole doesn’t he? In fact he doubled down on his Civil War discussion:





I mean how much worse could this possibly get? Well he hates people who criticize the president. In fact he has a zero tolerance for it:





Roger Stone’s incompetence knows no boundaries. And he’s one of Trump’s closest advisors. That’s why he’s this weeks’ pick for:




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[font size="8"]Alex Jones
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin it to win it! Ooh, that was a good strong spin there! And it lands on… no, a whammy!!!!




Spin it again! Ah, Infowars. Do I really have to talk about Infowars this week? Really? I don’t want to! Fine, make me! What??? I know you are but what am I? Takes one to know one! But mom!!! OK fine I will talk about Infowars. Well for starters, Alex is taking credit for Sheriff Joe’s pardon:





Yeah there’s that. Now let’s get into much crazier stuff that Alex Jones has said this week, and we’re going to do something a bit different here. Allow me to channel my inner Alex Jones here for a minute and suggest things from the Infowars store that you ought to be buying.





Allow me to get into character here… “WE GOT TO KEEP THIS OPERATION AFLOAT HERE PEOPLE!!!! I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE MONEY WE CAN GO THROUGH! INFOWARS CAN’T EXIST WITHOUT THE INFOWARS STORE!! BECAUSE THE GLOBALISTS DON’T WANT YOU TO HEAR THE TRUTH!!! SO TODAY WE’RE GOING TO SELL YOU THIS TACTICAL TIN FOIL WRAPPER FOR $59.99. BECAUSE THE GLOBALISTS DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW THE TRUTH! IT BLOCKS EVIL DEMONS FROM FLOWING THROUGH YOUR LAPTOP OR DESKTOP!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!”. Whew. But there’s also this.





“WE GOT TO KEEP THIS OPERATION AFLOAT HERE PEOPLE!!!! I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE MONEY WE CAN GO THROUGH! INFOWARS CAN’T EXIST WITHOUT THE INFOWARS STORE!! BECAUSE THE GLOBALISTS DON’T WANT YOU TO HEAR THE TRUTH!!! SO TODAY WE’RE GOING TO SELL YOU THESE TACTICAL CONDOMS! ONLY $14.99 A SIX PACK, AND THEY SAY “9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB” ON THEM! IN FACT WE HAVE A SEX EXPERT TO TELL YOU MORE!!!” So Alex… sigh… I cant even begin to decipher how batshit crazy this one is. I mean.. Obama isn’t president anymore. Just let it go, man. But switching gears, let’s extrapolate Alex’s weird obsession with trans people. I mean he has it in for them.





And then there’s this – I mean really he’s losing it. Trying to decipher what he’s saying could cause one’s head to explode.





And man he really is obsessed with transgendered people, isn’t he? But this might be one of the craziest things he’s ever said in regards to trans people:





“And now folks, we got to keep this operation afloat. You can buy from the Infowars store today – Infowars brand Tactical Adult Briefs! Need to go when you’re at a protest and you’re on the move and those evil liberals and transsexuals are coming after you and banned you from using their portable toilets? Grab a pair of these and you can go anywhere! I’m actually wearing a pair right now! Ah, that’s freedom, baby!!! What? No! They’re not diapers! They’re briefs! They’re briefs!!!!! They come in camouflage and It even says so right on the box! You can buy these for the low, low price of $23.99 for a box of 16 large ,14 extra large, or 12 extra extra large!”





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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin that shit! Come on no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy… stop!!! Clip without context!



Oh no Bryan, we can't do that. There's this thing called the "First Amendment" that you should familiarize yourself with. It guarantees freedom of speech as well as religion and right to protest. GTFO my radio. Spin it again! And it lands on… People Are Dumb! Hit it!



So as you know by now people are people, and people are dumb. But first what happens when corporations are dumb? We got to start with this story coming from ESPN where a reporter who was going to cover the University Of Virginia’s football home opener this weekend, but was pulled because of a ridiculously stupid reason:





Sigh… this is why we can’t have nice things people. Next up – drugs! Is it any wonder why Montana was the runner up in our Stupidest State contest? It’s people like this woman who called 911 to complain she got bad meth. You know where’s Heisenberg when you need him?





So what’s next in People Are Dumb? I know – how about the world of pornography! Porn – that medium of choice for 14 year old males over going out and actually meeting real females since the 1800s! Well this user attempted to test the limits of Amazon’s unlimited cloud storage. This story brings up many questions, like where do you get 293 *YEARS* worth of porn? :





Next in People Are Dumb – let’s go to Ireland. You know we had an awesome time in Ireland as part of the Idiots World Tour. But the TSA is bound to find some ridiculous items left behind on flights, and this one might take the cake, and it falls under the “YOU HAD ONE JOB” category:





You will never be forgotten… except that one time! Next up our favorite state – Florida! Because of course what would a discussion about crazy stupid people be without our good friend Florida Man?





Finally this week – for People Are Dumb, we go to why not? Also Florida. And if you’re a wanted man who’s running from the law, maybe you *DON’T* watch the eclipse:





That’s it this week for People Are Dumb!




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[font size="8"]World Tour Destination #12: South Africa
[br] [/font] [br]

Let’s spin the wheel one last time this week! What? Go Directly To Jail? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Wait – I’ve got that Get Out Of Jail Free card! Sweet! Spin it again! And it lands on… World Tour 2017! Hit it!



Part of our mission statement here at the Top 10 Conservative Idiots is to show you that conservative idiocy isn’t just a problem with America. No, it’s a global problem that is stemming far and wide, and it’s not just America where conservative idiots ruin everything they touch. And if you’re thinking of moving out of the United States just because Donald J. Trump is our current president and our nation is turning to shit, you should know what it is you’re getting into should you decide that you want to leave the country. So if you want a recap of where we’ve been so far, finally we’re done with Europe. The European people have been really great to us and we want to thank all of our host countries. But we must move on and stick to the tour schedule! In the last couple of weeks we discovered that Sweden lacks privacy, the Netherlands has a case of food poisoning, and the Czech Republic has some racist neighbors. Now we’re on to Africa! Here’s the tour schedule:



[font size="6"]South Africa[/font]



Welcome to Africa everybody! We have finally left Europe after 11 stops and now we’re onto the southern nation of South Africa! South Africa is the home of nature – which includes such scenic cities as Johannesburg and Cape Town. It’s the home of the Zulu civilization, if you play Civilization V, you should definitely be familiar with the Zulu nation. It’s the home to some of the world’s largest nature reserves where you can see some of the rare and endangered wildlife you grew up with as a kid, like cheetahs, elephants, and grizzly bears, and you can see it before the trophy hunters get to it. I kid, I kid. Hey miss, give it a chance. We’re almost done this week. Getting back on topic – there’s lots to know and like about South Africa. There’s the capital Johannesburg which includes one of the world’s natural wonders – the Cradle Of Humankind, which many people say hold the key to the origins of civilization. It’s also the home of the Apartheid museum. Yeah there’s really nothing funny about that. South Africa is also home to city states Lesotho and Swaziland. Lesotho has some of Africa’s highest peaks and lowest lows, while Swaziland is home to some of the world’s biggest nature reserves where you can see some of the best wildlife like zebras, lions, cheetahs, tigers and giraffes. But what else is South Africa the home of? Well for starters their racists make ours look like chumps! I mean… holy shit!





Yes holy shit indeed! This is far more serious of a crime than what your usual run of the mill American racists do! And while I shouldn’t… I hear Coffin Assault is opening for Danzig this year! Hey I’m your host here! Let’s lighten things up and talk about global warming, shall we?





Yeah poor Milhouse! Well what else goes on in South Africa? Well, South Africa’s neighbors to the north are the nation of Zimbabwe, who are ruled by murderous dictator Robert Mugabe, and his wife Grace is a gem:





That was an absolute classic from Keenan Thompson. South Africa is also home to some extreme poverty – and we do put some major emphasis on extreme.





Holy shit yes. There’s really nothing funny we can make about that. But is there really anything we can joke about coming out of South Africa? I guess not! This would be a right winger’s dream country – even their hunters are douchebags!




[font size="6"]The Verdict & Scorecard[/font]

South Africa is a very nice place to visit. However, if you’re thinking of moving there, don’t. They do not welcome outsiders very well, and their neighbors to the north are places you do *NOT* want to visit.

Tourism: B
Culture: A
Political Spectrum: D-
Liberal Appeal: C-

Overall: C-

[font size="6"]Next Week[/font]

Next week it’s off to South America and we will visit the home of coal mining, the Andes Mountains and murderous dictators as we head to Chile!



[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8"]Mumford & Sons [/font]


My next guest has recorded an awesome EP that you should definitely check out. It’s called “The Johannesburg EP” and it features Mumford and Sons with Baabal Maal and Beatenburg. Now playing their song “Mora”, give it up for Mumford & Sons!




Yeah how about that?

We are off next week, we'll be back on Wednesday 9/13 with an all new edition. Wait what? That means the tour schedule is screwed up. Great.

See you in two weeks!

August 30, 2017

Conservative Religious Leaders Release "Nashville Statement" Affirming Anti-LGBT Stance

How about this for a new rule - Old white men who cheat on their wives repeatedly don't get to condemn the sexuality of others, OK?

August 29, 2017

Trump's Trans Military Ban Is Worse Than "Don't Ask Don't Tell"

August 23, 2017

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #3-11: Heel The Nation (The Weeping Nazi) Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #3-11: Heel The Nation (The Weeping Nazi) Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! The Top 10 Conservative Idiots has a +- 1% difference in idiocy over the leading Top 10 provider! Switch today and save! We are back everybody! So let me just check my Powerball tickets. Damn it, didn’t win. So we’re stuck here. You know can we talk about the solar eclipse for a minute? Particularly I want to talk about one angle of it that not everyone is talking about – the merchandising! I love when people try to capitalize off an event like this because you will see some bullshit. Like the eclipse t-shirt with a unicorn hopping over the moon, because you know in 2017, internet kids do love them some unicorns, right? I mean Krispy Kreme has their own special donut for the event. Dennys had all you can eat pancakes. The Postal Service issued stamps for the eclipse. There’s specialty wines. 711 was selling eclipse glasses for $24.99 – and yes seriously, that’s the price! And then there’s my favorite – the eclipse “Path Of Totality” 2017 tour t-shirt! Hey you cant sell a t-shirt for a fake tour that is not really happening! That’s my fucking job! And of course you can’t have a science based event without selling some specialty marijuana! Because of course stoners would buy all the specialty chocolate they could in order to enjoy the eclipse, because, weed! OK that’s enough of the intro. We got a lot of conservative idiocy to get to. But first you know SNL is on hiatus right now for the summer, but Tina Fey offered some advice on how to deal with Nazis and white supremacists in a Weekend Update spinoff:



Man where do we begin this week? We’re still trying to put together the pieces of Charlottesville, but the Alt Right gets knocked down and gets back up again. In the first two slots we’re dedicating to the Alt Right (1, 2). In the number one slot we’re going to talk about what went down in Boston, New Orleans, and my home, Orange County. In the second slot we’re going to talk about more madness coming from Charlottesville including some pastors who have said some crazy shit lately. In the third slot is Breitbart (3). So unless you’ve been living under a rock by now, Trump fired Steve Bannon, and he is going ape shit, and this means war. Donald Trump is going to be taking over slots #4 and #5 this week. In the fourth slot we’re going to recap his Afghanistan speech, which was a colossal fail. I think sometime we need to ask – “The War In Afghanistan – How Is This Still A Thing?”. At number 6 is Mar-A-Lago (6). And other various Trump organizations, because in the wake of Trump’s comments on Virginia, charities are refusing to hold events at Trump’s mega mansion. In the number 7 slot we’ve got another installment of “Holy Shit” (7) because religious fundamentalists are bringing the crazy extra hard this week. Particularly we’re going to focus on Liberty University because Jerry Falwell Jr is bringing the crazy extra hard, and it’s really pissing off Liberty University alumni. Taking At number 8 is Alex Jones (8). So man on the street interviews are typically done because the average person has no clue what you’re talking about. Well, Alex Jones on the other hand, attempted these in left-leaning Seattle, and it was a spectacular fail. So there’s that. In the number 9 (NEIN!!!!) slot, we’ve got yet another installment of “People Are Dumb” because the stupid just keeps coming, and there was a lot of stupid this week – particularly coming from America’s penis, Florida. And that’s a special kind of crazy. And we will end this week with the next leg of our World Tour 2017. It’s our last leg in Europe and I have to say Europe has been really great to us. But this is a world tour, damn it! And we must hit all 6 continents plus India and the Middle East! So we’re ending by doing it gothic style in the great city of Prague and visiting the Czech Republic! Plus it’s edition #3-11, and as promised we have a very special musical guest planned for this edition. I’m of course talking about 311! Yay! The kids love 311 don’t they? And their new album “Mosaic” is amazing! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]The Alt Right
[br] [/font] [br]



It’s time for the Alt Right Squad! Starring: Leslie Nielsen. Guest starring: Donald Trump. Tonight’s episode: “Heel The Nation (The Weeping Nazi)”. So by now you know the alt right free speech brigade has been getting louder, dumber, and more rowdy as they visit each destination in an attempt to intimidate and harass liberals. So what happened on their latest stop – the great city of Boston? Here’s what happened!





The alt left are the domestic terrorists? Hey, we’re not the ones carrying AK-47s and AR-15s into Chipotle just to get dinner! Thank you! Man these people are fucking paranoid, aren’t they? I mean just this couldn’t get any crazier could it? Well there’s one thing I definitely don’t agree with and that’s death threats. Seriously, fucking stop it people! Just… stop it!





Yeah seriously people, stop with the death threats. Not everything you don’t agree with warrants, I don’t know, death. But getting back to much lighter news, this might be my favorite sign out of Boston:




Yeah they’d better pack a lunch! And of course Trump had to open his big fat Twitter account and say something divisive:

https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/898988632551370753

But even the mayor of Boston told the alt right crowd to GTFO before the event even began:





Yes they need to get the fuck out. But the best news? They got drowned out without incident like the clusterfuck that was Charlottesville!



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[font size="8"]The Alt Right
[br] [/font] [br]

You know what people? Don’t be a dick. If you want to know the answer to the question “what would a dick do?”, look no further than the Alt Right. Since the clusterfuck that happened in Charlottesville, people have been asking a lot of questions. The biggest one is “who the fuck are these guys?”. Well, thanks to some rogue people on Twitter, we’ve been learning exactly who these people are that have been wrecking havoc. Yeah we get it, it’s free speech. You have a fundamental right to say this shit as guaranteed by the first amendment to the constitution of the United States. But don’t be a dick about it! Can we agree about that? Well here’s exhibit A – don’t spin what happened in Charlottesville as a false flag:





Hmmmm… Alex Jones is getting existential on us! Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Well, don’t be surprised when you get outed. Like there’s this guy from Charlottesville who was caught on the documentary show Vice – Chris Cantwell, and he shall forever be known by his nickname “The Weeping Nazi”.





Even Hank Hill is horrified at this! I mean come on, we have actual Nazis here in America , right here, right now! So there’s exhibit A. What about Exhibit B?





Sounds and looks like quite the upstanding individual there! But oh we’re not done yet. May the court appoint this as exhibit C?



I mean come on, people, don’t threaten death. That’s not cool. Not even for someone as hateful as this douchebag, who thinks liberal leaders should be tried for treason!





No, no, there’s no race war going on. And by the way after Charlottesville, I have to show this. This was being planned in my neck of the woods. But really, neo Nazis have to stop pretending like they care about children, because they clearly don’t. And who thought this was a good idea? Really?






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[font size="8"]Breitbart Vs. Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

So in case you’re living under a rock, you should know by now that Trump fired Steve Bannon. “You’re fired, OK?”. But now instead of giving one of his own a pat on the back, Trump seems intent on throwing his useful idiots under the bus. You know, just like Hitler did! You know Breitbart – the premier news organization for today’s active 40 year old virgins.





By the way that’s how Steve Bannon looked on SNL. You know what’s SNL going to do when they come back? Spicer and Bannon are both out, who will they make fun of next? Well, Death, er, Steve Bannon, will still be around. And he’s already got back to work. This means war!





We’ll get to the insanity that was Trump’s Afghanistan speech in a minute. But there’s more to the madness now that Trump has fired Bannon. Here’s the interesting thing – Bannon was supposed to make a peaceful exit from the White House, but then came Charlottesville:





But come on Trump, you should know by now that Steve Bannon is not your friend. He’s only an insane ultra far right journalist who could break you to his batshit crazy base.





And then even Bannon himself is already declaring the presidency over – and you know they’re just getting started. I mean we’ve been following this shit show since day 1. I mean here’s what I looked like 2 years ago when I started the Top 10. And here’s what I look like now!



As you can tell, this has aged me horribly! But even he’s saying it’s game over for Trump:






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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

Anyone remember that movie Wag The Dog? You know the movie that presented the theory that when a president’s approval rating tanks because of a scandal, the president then launches a fake war to boost approval ratings? Well, there’s nothing that can save Trump’s presidency at this point. Even a fake war! So why not a real one? You know while all the attention is focused on North Korea, there’s two perfectly good wars that conservatives have seemed to forgot about – Iraq and Afghanistan! That is, until last night when Trump said this:







Sigh… this is why we can’t have nice things. And you know that this comes on the 64th anniversary of when the CIA first overthrew Afghanistan’s progressive government right? Well now Afghanistan is Trump’s war, and the conservatives own it!





Trump’s just waiting for his “Mission Accomplished” moment, you know that! But you know since we like to present both sides of the argument here at the Top 10, here’s a few things you need to know:





Of course he did! I mean really, at this point do you expect anything less from Trump? I mean that’s only the same thing every other politician does! Congratulations, republicans, your Washington outsider, became a Washington insider last night! Bravo, well done!




You know the GOP loves to slam the very idea of nation building, but that’s exactly what they are doing, is some fucking nation building! Really, the hypocrisy is ridiculously strong with this one! But you know conservatives love to war monger, and boy Trump did some war mongering Monday night. In fact the military industrial complex – which is more of a thing than the deep state the conservative conspiracy theorists love, won’t be satisfied until they hit the jackpot.

vTrump took a hard line on Pakistan

The White House plans to pressure neighboring Pakistan to push harder on terrorist organizations within and across its borders.

“We can no longer be silent about Pakistan’s safe havens for terrorist organizations, the Taliban, and other groups that pose a threat to the region and beyond,” Trump said. “Pakistan has much to gain from partnering with our effort in Afghanistan. It has much to lose by continuing to harbor criminals terrorists.”

Trump hinted at withholding aid from the country, a tactic that has been used in the past. Defense Secretary James Mattis has withheld $50 million in aid from Pakistan over what the Pentagon described as its insufficient actions against the Haqqani network, a militant Islamic group based in the country.

Wait – Pakistan is next to Afghanistan, which is next to Iran. If the military industrial complex gets their way – TRIFECTA!!!!! Of course they could go for the Superfecta and declare war on North Korea, but we don’t have that kind of time!




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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

We need some music for this one!



Nah, how about:



Better. Closer. Warmer. I know!



Perfect! So how did you celebrate the big eclipse on Monday? Did you buy glasses to look directly at it, or did you try one of the alternate methods? Or did you not give a shit? Or did you give a shit and try to watch the NASA live stream? Which showed everything but the actual eclipse! I shit you not! Or maybe you’re like Trump – you actually kind of gave a shit, and then did the exact opposite of everyone else and stare directly at the sun?



Can we show that picture?



Dude… what does he think he’s looking at? Maybe it’s invaders from the Deep State who are coming to take him away! Switching subjects., you know we got to talk about how he reacted to the Boston protests. First off, can we show the tweet that nearly broke the internet on Saturday?



Yes, we need to heel and we will heel! Sit! Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy???? Do you want a doggy treat? Yes, good boy! Thank you! See that’s one of those things that where you spell it wrong, has a completely different meaning! And you will be ridiculed extensively if you fuck this up!





I like that one! But you know this comes after Trump tweeted about “anti-police agitators” in Boston. Can someone please take his phone away?

https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/898988632551370753

Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Except there weren’t:





And switching subjects for a third time, we have to talk about again how he talks about the “FAKE NEWS!!!!” media like it’s a bodily function. You know Obama would have done the presidential thing and congratulated the Boston protestors for a job well done. But instead Trump tweets about FAKE NEWS like he’s a parrot. Speaking of which… we might bring out our old friend Trumpy! Hyperbole much, Trump?






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[font size="8"]Mar-A-Lago
[br] [/font] [br]

So Donald Trump’s mega mansion in Florida – you know it as Mar-A-Lago, is losing a lot of business lately. Gee, I wonder why? Is it because of what Trump said about Virginia? That is definitely not the way to address a disaster like that. But of course Trump acts compulsively without thinking of the consequences it could have, and he’s the fucking president! Who had yet to sever ties with his business, which he should have. But nope. Instead charities are abandoning ship left and right. Like for instance…





Well they’re not the first charity to abandon ship. There’s way more where that came from, in fact the number of charities abandoning ship is growing quite large. Don’t worry, they’ll get some right wing charities like the Wounded Warrior Project to play along!





Oh not the Palm Beach Zoo! I mean at least Sea World is still available am I right about that? Shit, even a charity hosted by a Trump RELATIVE is pulling out of Mar-A-Lago!





Holy crap! The list just keeps growing! For those of you keeping score at home, that’s 4 stories now of people who are leaving Mar-A-Lago because of what Trump said! It’s up to 14 now!





Now it’s up to 16!



https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2017/08/22/16th-charity-cancels-its-event-at-president-trumps-mar-a-lago-club-blaming-political-turbulence/?utm_term=.b6437098f9af

And at the last time before we finished this week’s Top 10 – it’s now up to 21! Blackjack! Even Susan G. Komen doesn’t want anything to do with Trump, and they associate themselves with the NFL! An organization that protects criminals like Ray Lewis!





OK now might be the time to abandon ship!


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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]



Yes, religious fundamentalists are dominating the news in our new segment, Holy Shit. But this week, Holy Shit is only going to focus on one aspect of the holy part of it – Liberty University, and specifically the current president of the university – son of the university’s founder and guy who has no remarks about Tinky Winky’s sexual orientation, Jerry Falwell Jr.





Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! As if Donald Trump suddenly cares about minorities! Got any other good zingers, Jerry? But… here’s where things get weird! As you know, they have been known to do under Trump! But this might be one of my favorite stories of the week. Not only is he not giving up defending Trump, he’s doubling down!





Wait, wait wait wait wait wait wait wait. Wait. Wait. Trump doesn’t have a racist bone in his body? Are you fucking kidding me? Have you been paying attention to the same clusterfuck we’ve been following for the last two years? Trump is enabling the racists and sexists! Jerry has apparently pissed off Liberty University graduates something fierce.





Yeah so Jerry Falwell Jr is apparently pissing off Liberty University graduates because of his support for Trump’s reckless policies. How more batshit crazy can the Christian right get? Well there’s Liberty University and then there’s the Steve-O of the Christian right, Paula White! And how is Jim Bakker still a thing? I thought we already asked that question!





To quote Mayor Quimby from the Simpsons – “Are these morons getting louder or just dumber?”. The answer to that question is dumber! Well, to sum up this week in “Holy Shit”, there’s Kentucky governor Matt Bevin. How come Kentucky always elects the dumbest people known to man? They’re the state that gave us Rand Paul and Mitch McConnell for crying out loud! Well, Matt Bevin may be the stupidest of all, because he thinks that Charlottesville happened because – wait for it – Jesus!





And Paula White isn't just exhibit A in batshit crazy Trump Bible thumpers. I give you Rick Joyner, who is also convinced of this:





That’s it for this week in:





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[font size="8"]Alex Jones
[br] [/font] [br]

Man on the street interviews have existed as long as TV has existed. Anyone remember back in the 90s when Jay Leno first pioneered a completely different kind of man on the street interview? It was called “Jaywalking” and it focused on people who knew nothing about the given subject. Now all the talk shows do it, and one of the best is Jimmy Kimmel’s “Lie Witness News”. Well, ultra far right conspiracy theorist and after model in a Bronzer informecial… hey, this was me *BEFORE* bronzer!, Alex Jones was in ultra liberal Seattle last week, and he attempted to do this exact style of MOTS interview, and well, failed spectacularly.



Let’s roll the tape on this:



So why was Alex in Seattle? Well, it could have something to do with the fact that the alt right is trying to troll the city over its’ statue of former Russian dictator V.I. Lenin.





Well, getting back to Alex Jones for a minute – so if you saw the right wing blogs you’d see the coffee thrower painted as a “libtard attacking Alex Jones”. But the actual story on the other hand is way more incriminating then you would think:



To which Alex responded with his usual message of “violent leftists” :

https://twitter.com/RealAlexJones/status/898568874395934721

Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! So my favorite part of this whole thing is that even the Seattle police got in on trolling Alex Jones. Because you know when blowhards like Jones get taken down a peg or two it’s always fun to watch!





Oh and by the way in case you want to know what Alex does in his free time, he recently discovered the fidget spinner:



And here’s an isolate audio of the music he was listening to:






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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
[br] [/font] [br]

Hit it!



So of course you know by now thanks to Depeche Mode’s famous song, people are people, and people are dumb. So who’s stupid this week? Well, this week it’s mostly all Florida. Because of course it is, and you can always count on Florida to turn the crazy up way past 11. One of my favorite categories of stories like this is fast food rage. I love a good fast food rage story and here’s one out of Delray Beach:



Why does this story remind me of this guy?



Somehow I don’t think I’ll be going to Whammy Burger any time soon. But while on the subject of fast food rage, we’re going to tell you about a crazy story from my neck of the woods, Hollywood, California where these two loaded drunk women went CRAZY and destroyed an Uber driver’s car among other atrocities committed at the In N Out on Sunset Blvd:





We won’t show the video here, but it is CRAZY. So what’s next for the never ending shortage of stupid people? Well we’re sticking with the Sunshine State, and what about drugs? You know, maybe don’t bring drugs into the classroom? We can all agree on that right?





And then next out of Florida – upskirt photos! Yeah guys, maybe don’t do this! Just don’t.





No, Tony Stark isn’t Florida Man. What next? How about the Illuminati right? Well, maybe you don’t use this as an excuse for why you stole some shit:





What’s next? How about one of my favorite categories – stupid people and police officers? There’s this story out of Texas where a woman assaulted a police officer and said he was “hot”:





Finally this week – racism! Yes the stupidest among us are also the most racist! And none is more evident than this guy out of Florida. Because hey it’s Florida!





That’s it this week for:






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[font size="8"]World Tour Destination #11: Czech Republic
[br] [/font] [br]



Part of our mission statement here at the Top 10 Conservative Idiots is to show you that conservative idiocy isn’t just a problem with America. No, it’s a global problem that is stemming far and wide, and it’s not just America where conservative idiots ruin everything they touch. And if you’re thinking of moving out of the United States just because Donald J. Trump is our current president and our nation is turning to shit, you should know what it is you’re getting into should you decide that you want to leave the country. So if you want a recap of where we’ve been so far, we’re just about done touring all of Europe. The last two weeks we visited Scandinavia, where Norway is a little bit racist, and in Sweden – just about anything goes, including the nation’s cyber security laws, and The Netherlands has a serious case of food poisoning. Here’s the tour schedule:



[font size="6"]Czech Republic[/font]



Folks this is it! It’s our final stop in Europe. Then it’s on to Africa, South America, North America, and then to Asia. So we come to the last stop in Europe for the first leg of our World Tour 2017. The Czech Republic. The Czech Republic is one of the oldest countries in Europe and the home to tons of historical sites and wonders, such as the Prague Astronomical, a 600 year old mechanical clock that has kept time continuously for the last 600 years. Dude, I cant even keep time for 5 minutes! It’s also the home to tons of ancient wonders and castles, and very creepy gothic-looking churches and buildings. You could easily do some low budget horror movies and set them in Prague, and you wouldn’t have to pay set maintenance fees. The Czech Republic is also the home of a very unique sport – kickball. And no I’m not talking about the kind of kickball they made you play in gym class where it’s basically baseball with a giant rubber ball that could kill you. No, it’s more a combination of soccer, volleyball, and tennis – the net is low, and so is the kicking! So what else is the Czech Republic the home of? Why they’re the home of some of the strictest gun control in the EU!





Yes that joke never gets old! So what else is the country formerly known as Czechoslovakia? Remember that gigantic data breach in Sweden that we talked about a couple of weeks ago? Well the Czech Republic was one of the biggest victims of it!





But some good news is that the Ukraine continues to get fucked over by Putin a lot in his quest for global domination, but at least the Czech Republic will help them out…. ?





I like that one! Now let’s talk about their neighbors Slovakia for a minute. You know neo Nazis are on everyone’s minds at the moment because of the clusterfuck that happened in Charlottesville. But if there’s one place that Nazis are actually taking over, it’s in Slovakia!





Needs a few more NEINs! So what about Slovakia makes this country so appealing to the extreme far right? Well despite that they’ve been BANNED from the country, they keep going after it, kind of like how Charlie Brown attempts to kick the football, only to have Lucy pull it away!





[font size="6"]The Verdict & Scorecard[/font]

This was one of the hardest countries to find any political dirt on because there really isn’t much out there – this is about as close to a liberal utopia as you can get. But be sure to visit before Putin does!

Tourism: B
Culture: A
Political Spectrum: C
Liberal Appeal: A +

Overall: A-

Now that’s the Czech Republic. If we were to grade their neighbors - who are very much a part of Czech’s political spectrum, where neo Nazis are fast on the rise…

Tourism: C-
Culture: B
Political Spectrum: D-
Liberal Appeal: D

Grade: D-

Yeah, visit the Czech Republic for sure, but don’t visit Slovakia!

[font size="6"]Next Week[/font]

Next week we’re finally leaving Europe and heading way down south to the land of the safari and wild outdoor adventures, South Africa! And also apartheid.



[font size="8"]And Now This:
311[/font]


Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve been waiting quite a while to have this next musical guest on, and I saw them live last week! Their Unity tour with New Politics is over, but man it was an awesome show! They have an amazing new album out called “Mosaic”. Playing their song called “Perfect Mistake”, give it up for 311!





Yeah how about that?

See you next week!

August 22, 2017

Neo Nazis In California Cancel Planned Book Burning Because Fear Of Liberals

Hey Nazis:

1. You don't give a rat's ass about children, so stop pretending like you care.
2. If we held a book burning where we burned O'Reilly, Hannity, Limbaugh, Coulter, Savage, etc books, you guys would be *FLYING* off the rails and insisting we all be locked up.

So shut the fuck up and get the fuck out.

August 21, 2017

Alt Right Protest In Seattle Draws Just 7 Protestors

August 17, 2017

Pro-Trump Rally Set to Clash with Juggalo March in Washington, D.C. in September

Oooh.... ooh... who had Juggalos V. Nazis? This should be good!

August 16, 2017

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #3-10: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Hitler Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #3-10: Dr. Strangeflub (Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Hitler) Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Switch to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots now and save 50% off the leading Top 10 providers! We are back everybody! This is going to be an unusually long edition so bare with us please! But first this is one of those tweets where someone says something so jaw-dropping, shockingly stupid that you can't help but make fun it:

https://twitter.com/ofctimallen/status/897687107191414784

So that happened. Hey Tim, if we evolved comedy, how come there are still lame comedians around? Thank you! I'm not including myself of course! Can we start by talking about music? I mean how did we miss the annual Gathering Of The Juggalos? This year the event was held in Oklahoma City. And the residents of Oklahoma City weren't having any of it. And just like everything involving the Insane Clown Posse, it was a total clusterfuck. This year included such activities as a wine mixer. Really. What kind of wine do you sip while listening to a song about shoving things up one's ass? I'd personally go with a fine Merlot! Or maybe a Pinot. Just to get you in the mood, you know! So what happened this year? Well there were 8 arrests and 11 paramedics calls! That's the most ever for a music festival. Like I said, if you attend the Gathering Of The Juggalos, you'll most likely get stabbed. I'm not saying you'll actually get stabbed, I'm implying that you will get stabbed at some point. So if you ever go or are thinking of going, just be prepared! But people were being arrested for numerous things you'd expect like drug possessions, alcohol intoxication, and my personal favorite - a large number of illegal fireworks! There were also rumors of a Juggalo flashing a cop his butthole. I want that one to be true, but it's fake news, unfortunately. Yeah so maybe you won't get stabbed but if you go to the Gathering Of The Juggalos, But you might walk away with fewer limbs, and a severe case of sun poisoning. Maybe they could get together with the organizers of the Fyre Festival. Ha, I kid, I kid. OK enough of the intro. We got a lot of conservative idiocy to cover this week. But first John Oliver is back and he gets the great Weird Al to help him serenade North Korea into *NOT* blowing us up:



Holy fucking hell. How do you make sense of what happened this weekend? You don’t. And we most certainly wont in any way, shape or form make fun of the lives lost in this clusterfuck. But we can make fun of it can’t we? The Alt Right is going to take up the first 2 slots this week. In the first slot we’re going to talk about what led up to the events in Charlottesville on Saturday. In the second slot is the main event that took place Saturday in Charlottesville. Taking slots 3 and 4 is of course President Trump. In the third slot is the fact that Trump gave a speech addressing the clusterfuck And that he refused to call out the white supremacists by name. In the number 4 slot is also Donald Trump (4). So we’re going to tell you about the President’s Council On Manufacturing and how that was affected by Trump’s comments, and well, it’s not good. In the number 5 slot is going to be the return of our new segment “Holy Shit”. Because the religious right is going all out in their quest to support an increasingly inevitable war against North Korea, among other atrocities this week. Taking the sixth seed it’s Google Vs. The Alt Right (6). So the Alt Right is making Google their asshole this week in the wake of the firing of programmer James Damore, and wait until you see what they have in store! In the number 7 slot is a new installment of “This Fucking Guy”. And this week’s “This Fucking Guy” is a member of the Trump administration who needs some very close watch – “Dr.” Sebastian Gorka. All I know is never trust a guy with a Ph.D who insists that you call him “doctor”. Because that’s an insult to actual people in the medical profession who are, you know, real doctors. At number 8 – we’ve got another installment of “How Is This Still A Thing”, and we’re going to ask – Blackwater: How Is This Still A Thing? In the number 9 (NEIN!!!!) slot we’ve got another installment of our always popular segment “People Are Dumb”, because well, there’s a lot of dumb people out there. And my motto is “embrace the dumb”. And we will end this week with the next leg of our World Tour 2017. This time around we’re going to the home of legalized marijuana and prostitution – The Netherlands! We’re just about done with Europe – we’ve got one final stop to make in Eastern Europe before we head to Africa. Plus we have some live music from a little band called… Blink 182. YAY!!!! Wait, they’re one of the biggest bands in the world! What are they doing on this crappy show? Well, I met Travis Barker at his Musink Festival in Costa Mesa, told him about the show, and he brought his friends Mark and Matt along with him! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!


[font size="8"]The Alt Right
[br] [/font] [br]

Just… wow. How did we get here? Let’s do one of those things from the movies and retrace our steps as to how we got to this point. So the Gathering Of The Deplorables commenced on Saturday but not before the alt right did some pre-partying on Friday. Or as I like to call it "Dr. Strangeflub (Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Hitler)". Thank you! And in this version, Slim Pickens rides the bomb to hell! Because you know you got to do some pre-rally racism to stir up the crowd, right? This is a really fucked up opening act for a really fucked up festival. Let’s show the tweet first!

https://twitter.com/RichardBSpencer/status/875908026032697344

Worst headlining festival ever by the way! For the sake of argument let’s call this “The Gathering Of The Deplorables”. Now it’s a lot like the Insane Clown Posse’s annual Gathering Of The Juggalos. Let’s explore the similarities between those groups. Both groups are mostly consistent of young, socially awkward people who are leaving the confines of their keyboards and getting out into the real world. Both groups are people who the members would never in real life acknowledge that they are a part of. Unless they want people to make fun of them, in which case they’re sociopaths. At both events, the only sponsors that they could find are Z grade products, like Faygo Cola, because a more popular vendor like Pepsi would never loan their name to such an atrocity. At both events, the attendees can pick out the posers pretty quickly. And at both events, you’ll most likely get stabbed. So what happened?





OK ok ok… let’s get one thing straight here. They didn’t hold actual torches. They held TIKI brand torches. I mean if you’re really going to intimidate someone, use a Citronella torch! Don’t use TIKI brand crap! I don’t need endorsement money, I’m just a fan! But what happened after the pre-party was ruled unlawful assembly? There was this.





Yeah holy fuck! So this little gathering that Richard Spencer came up with is responsible for killing at least 3 people. It’s insane. I mean when even the Germans think you’ve fucked up, well, you’ve fucked up.





This whole event needs a lot more neins! I mean come on let’s show some of the winners at this event. Like this guy:



Dude, you’re not threatening anybody you’re just a creep in a MAGA hat! And by the way let’s talk about the torches for a minute. So these guys showed up at a rally with torches. Not just any torches, TIKI brand torches!



You can seriously buy these at your local Home Depot for the low price of $4! Even the TIKI brand said they didn’t want to be a part of this!





I mean come on seriously, you bought torches? Do you know how stupid you look? It’s the equivalent of when you’re at a concert and people whip out their cell phones and turn on the flashlight instead of using a lighter? But I love what John Oliver said in regards to Charlottesville:






[font size="8"]The Alt Right
[br] [/font] [br]

So now we got to talk about the exact point when the shit hit the fan at the rally. Some say it was when the guy plowed his Dodge Challenger into a crowd of protestors, killing one, and injuring nearly 20 people. Or you could say it was when the police helicopter crashed just outside of Charlottesville while trying to police the area. I say it’s all of the above. Or it could be Trump’s insane press conference yesterday when he added more fuel to the fire by blaming the “alt left”.





Yeah Captain America is a member of the Alt Left. And you know who else And then the reaction from the right wing certainly isn’t helping things. I give you Dinesh D’Souza.





Oh sure, Dinesh! Keep telling yourself that! Trump’s not as bad as Hitler! There’s lots of things you could say are not as bad as Hitler. Smelly farts are not as bad as Hitler! This cup of coffee I’m drinking is not as bad as Hitler! My Uber ride to the club was not as bad as Hitler! The management of the comedy club where we’re at right now is not as bad as Hitler! Thank you! And then there’s David Duke who *DEFINITELY* isn’t helping things!





There’s far more to this thing than we thought. The aftermath of what happened is coming out very quickly. I mean you have people who are outing the racists on Twitter.





Yeah I’m calling bullshit on this one. How did a 20 year old hot dog employee from Berkeley get the money to fly from Berkeley to Charlottesville? I mean if you’ve got even a studio apartment in Berkeley, you’re not flying to Virginia. I checked Kayak. A flight from Oakland to Richmond, Virginia costs $529 and a 3 night hotel stay in Charlottesville would easily cost $175 a night and that’s not even including the cost of renting a car! I know when I was 20 I did *NOT* have that kind of money to travel! And how does one even get that kind of time off? That angle hasn’t even been explored yet! “Yeah sir, I’m going to Virginia to attend Unite The Right!”. So how else did the shit hit the fan? Did you know that the FBI had warnings about this for weeks?





And then this might be my favorite part of this whole thing – if that’s possible – is that the president of the UVA Campus Republicans actually played the “I’m not racist but…” card. You don’t get to play that, that’s my fucking job!!!





No Cartman, calm down. No race war. At least not yet. That is the wet dream of right wing conspiracy theorists, Infowars fans, and the alt right, after all. Alex Jones loves the idea. But this might be the most evil and despicable thing that came out of the rally, but thank god at least Go Daddy stepped up!





Oh and then if you need any proof that *THEY’RE* the snowflakes, one of the assholes identified in the rally says he doesn’t plan to return to Nevada at this time:



But… the Nazis aren’t done! They’re coming back for more in Boston:





And thirds with Texas A&M! They’re going on a Deplorable Tour 2017 – coming soon to a city near you! Tickets on sale now!






[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

So now that we know how we got here, what kind of leadership would you expect from a guy who emboldened the racists during his campaign? They literally plunged the country into anarchy on Saturday with both sides going “LET’S FIGURE THIS OUT!!!!”. Of course the racists were blaming this on the liberals like we saw with Dinesh D’Souza, but what did our esteemed president think? Let’s roll the tape!



*Trump voice* ON MANY SIDES!!! Sigh… I just… I cant even… I don’t… how… what… this guy is our president??? During a time of crisis he acts like he’s on the fucking campaign trail? Well the criticism has been fast:





Yeah yeah wrong. But what else is Trump wrong about this? You know he attempted to right the wrong by not denouncing his base – the racists and sexists who make up the “Unite The Right” crowd. But guess who *LOVED* his remarks? I… I’ve seriously run out of fucks to give at this point.





You know you can’t denounce the division in this country when you’re the cause of most of it, Trump. And considering how young most of the attendees were of the TIKI torch parade, apparently cookies is really all it takes to get people to join the dark side.





So what happens when Trump attempts to right a wrong? Well, he gets even more wrong! It’s like a perpetual shit machine – he lies and then attempts to correct those lies with even more lies!





I mean come on, Trump, the least you can do is call them out by name, and mean it. Even one of the racists’ dads is speaking out against his own son:






[font size="8"]Donald Trump
[br] [/font] [br]

So we’ve been trying to pinpoint the exact moment when the shit hit the fan in Charlottesville, and don’t be surprised if this isn’t going away any time soon. And we pointed out that the shit hit the fan when white supremacists came out and said they loved Trump’s initial speech. Well, yesterday’s press conference was a total clusterfuck.





And there’s one aspect of the Trump administration that we have yet to cover – it’s called the President’s Council On Manufacturing. And the controversy was started when this happened on Monday:





And he’s not the only one. Then this happened:





So if you’re keeping score at home – that’s now 3 CEOs who have left the President’s Council On Manufacturing. Intel, Under Armour, and Merck. But there’s more!





That’s four now! Even the head of the AFL-CIO is pissed at Trump! And we all know what a history Trump has with organized labor! How many more are still left? Anyone want to take a guess?





So when you’re Trump, and you’ve been defeated like this, what do you do? Do you get more CEOs to fill those positions? Nah, that is something that you know a real leader would do! Instead, Trump decides to do this:



And to *FURTHER* keep digging that hole, what does he do? He attacks the world’s largest online retailer!






[font size="8"]Holy Shit
[br] [/font] [br]

It’s time once again for our new segment:



Yes, holy shit. The religious right has been cranking the batshit up way past 11 this week. Of course Charlottesville has been dominating the news this week, and first up – while Alex Jones claims to be a man of god, his explanation for what went down in Virginia this week is anything but Christian!





Hey Alex! Sprechen sie dick! I love that movie. And then if that’s not enough, then behind door #2 there’s Scott Lively who offers this very un-Christian like response to Charlottesville:





Really? Westboro is a left wing group? Bill Cosby is involved somehow? I want whatever brand of Covfefe he happens to be smoking! Man these people are paranoid, aren’t they? Well, Steve Strang isn’t helping!





And speaking of not helping, one thing that conservative Christian fundamentalists hate with a fiery passion is education. Why? They’re dare not allowed to speak about God on publicly owned campuses. You know we have this weird thing in America it’s called “Separation of church and state”! And we should probably keep it that way!





You know do these people really believe what they say? I really wonder sometimes. And then there’s of course our favorite “This Fucking Guy”, Dave Daubenmire. Why do we listen to this asshole’s opinions? Can anyone tell me? And why is every single video of this guy in front of a stadium? Dude, you’re not a coach. Give it up.





Ah, I miss the God Warrior! Those were good times. Hey Dave… let me tell you something that you need to hear: RACISM ***IS*** OUT OF CONTROL IN AMERICA! Only it’s by your side! Not ours! Thank you! Let’s roll the tape on “Coach” (?) Dave’s nonsense:




But finally, in the world of batshit crazy religious fundamentalists, you can always count on Jim Bakker to bring the crazy extra hard.



Yes, Jim. Yes, we can. That’s it for this week in:




[font size="8"]Google Vs The Alt Right
[br] [/font] [br]

The alt right is dominating the news this week with Charlottesville. So remember last week how the alt right got their underwear in a wad when Google fired programmer James Damore for circulating a very harshly worded memo questioning the company’s diverse hiring practices? Well, they’re not done with Google yet. In fact the Alt Right is making Google their asshole this week. These people are quite certifiably insane.



Really these guys think of diversity the same way Ron Burgundy does:



How are these people any different than the alt righters who marched in Charlottesville? Do the sexist alt righters distance themselves from the racist alt righters? Do they hold separate meetings with separate meeting minutes? How does this work? Oh wait – never mind! It’s FREEEEEEEEEEEEEE SPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!!!!!1!





Gee, how did I guess that asshole Posobiec is involved? But the alt right is clearly intolerant of Google’s tolerance!





I like that one! But guess what? James Damore doesn’t support the alt right! Ha ha!






[font size="8"]”Dr.” Sebastian Gorka
[br] [/font] [br]

It’s time for:



This week’s “This Fucking Guy” is a senior advisor of the White House – and a guy who really, really wants to emphasize the word “white” – “Dr.” Sebastian Gorka. You might be saying “who”? Because he’s really not that well known. Like Erik Prince, “Dr.” Sebastian Gorka prefers to remain in the shadows, you know, like Bane from the Dark Knight Rises. Only difference is Bane kicks ass and takes names, but I can’t really say that for anyone coming from this administration. So when what happened in Charlotte happened, guess what Gorka said?





So when what looks like an act of war happens thanks to white supremacists, this fucking guy is like “oh there’s no problems with white supremacists”. Well guess what? If you don’t have a problem with white supremacists, that means you are one! But there’s lots of demands right now to fire him along with Bannon in the wake of this week:





Yeah just let me close my laptop here… OK we’re good! In fact Charlottesville is not the first time this fucking guy has tried to pass off a terrorist attack as a setup. You know there was that bombing at a mosque in Minnesota a few weeks ago? Well, this fucking guy had this to say:





Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Really, Gorka? You have to go there and blame “the left” for this? Why don’t you guys take a look in the fucking mirror? If there’s one thing the Trump administration is particularly horrible at, among other things, is analogies. You know like how I compare them to a fly on a horse’s ass. Thank you! Well, here’s what Gorka said when talking about one of the Trump administration’s favorite boogeymen – “radial Islam”!





Really? You have to make the cancer analogy? We could say that about white supremacists – they are a cancer! And they’re spreading like mad! In fact despite that “Dr.” Gorka insists people call him “doctor”, he actually had to be reminded that Rex Tillerson is fourth in line to the presidency!





Yeah of course he’ll deny it! That’s part of the “take no responsibility” that this administration is known for! That’s Sebastian Gorka, this week’s:





[font size="8"]Blackwater
[br] [/font] [br]

Time once again to ask:



This week: Blackwater: How Is This Still A Thing? You might have noticed a strange company popping up in the news a lot lately. They’re called Academi. Well, Academi used to be known as XE Services, Inc. Wait, that name sounds familiar doesn’t it? Well, XE Services was formerly known as a company who was heavily investigated during the Bush administration called Blackwater. But you may be asking yourself “I thought Blackwater went under during the Bush administration!”. WRONG! They just cut off the bad part and respawned new, like a worm. And like a worm, they’re now getting stronger!





That’s right – Erik Prince is the brother in law of Trump’s secretary of education, Betsy DeVos. And did we say they’re getting stronger? Oh yes they are getting much stronger! In fact Prince has asked Trump to simply get rid of the military presence in Afghanistan.





But with the present, Trump is so desperate for ideas on how to keep the conflict going in Afghanistan that he is actually turning to a guy who nearly stood trial for treason for help. Let’s go back a few years to see how Blackwater is still a thing. So they dissolved and became XE Services in 2009 after they were kicked out of Iraq. Then this happened!





Yes, they fought a war in Pakistan so secret that the CIA didn’t know about it. Which is why the CIA hired them in 2010 to guard the US military bases set up in Afghanistan:





Yeah really… WTF! Well here’s how they were able to get away with this – they weren’t called Blackwater or XE Services. Instead they were able to cleverly brand themselves as “US Training Centers”:





So Blackwater didn’t call themselves a mercenary unit. They instead called themselves a “training center”. Even the Pentagon is furious at Blackwater and telling them to simply get the fuck out of Afghanistan:



So the Pentagon doesn’t want them, the CIA doesn’t want them, anymore, and even Iraq doesn’t want them. And then with all the troubles that have surrounded this company, how are they still a thing? Even when you add this to the mix?





So murder, political intrigue, favoritism, and shady business practices. That’s enough to make you ask – Blackwater:





[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
[br] [/font] [br]

Hit it!



So of course you know by now that people are people, and people are dumb. So who’s stupid this week? Well, you can always count on Wal-Mart, the Florida of department stores, to bring the stupid extra hard. You know in an era where mass shootings, terror attacks, and overall paranoia about idiots with guns in our society are at an all time high, is this really what we need right now?



Can we show that?



Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! That is what you call an epic fail. What’s next for dumb? How about one of my favorite subgenres in dumb news – fast food rage? I love a good fast food rage story. But this guy… definitely needs his ass kicked. At least one less Trump voter is a good thing!





Let’s talk about some lighter news in the world of dumb. I know! How about counterfeiting? And extremely poor counterfeiting at that!





What’s next? How about some stupid animals? Yeah there’s stupid people, there’s also stupid animals such as this bear in Colorado that got stuck in a car. By the way, I love the quote from the guy who witnessed it. Classic!





Whoa whoa whoa… this is a problem in Colorado? WTF is going on that that many bears get stuck in cars each week? I want to know more!!! What next? Well why not Florida? Because well it’s Florida, and this story has everything!





Meth? Liquor? Blame it on imaginary insects? Strange name? Ooh, ooh!!! $100,000 in damages! BINGO!!!! What do I win? Staying in Florida there’s also this guy:





And then there’s also this couple from Florida who cooked with a *GAS* grill while driving and lit a cigarette:





Finally this week, we always have dumb criminals, and even the occasional stupid cop. But there’s one very underrepresented group out there of stupid people – the dumb attorney! And this one might be as stupid as it gets! This one in Ohio was caught money laundering, very poorly. And why? Well he’s got a very compelling reason!






That’s it this week for:





[font size="8"]World Tour Destination #10: The Netherlands
[br] [/font] [br]



Part of our mission statement here at the Top 10 Conservative Idiots is to show you that conservative idiocy isn’t just a problem with America. No, it’s a global problem that is stemming far and wide, and it’s not just America where conservative idiots ruin everything they touch. And if you’re thinking of moving out of the United States just because Donald J. Trump is our current president and our nation is turning to shit, you should know what it is you’re getting into should you decide that you want to leave the country. So if you want a recap of where we’ve been so far, in the last couple of weeks, we discovered that Norway is kind of racist, Sweden is very lax when it comes to cyber security, and Belgium is the latest victim of Brexit. Here’s the tour schedule:



[font size="6"]The Netherlands[/font]



Next up on our World Tour, we’re heading to the land of canals. It’s also the home of legalized prostitution and drugs. I’m of course talking about the Netherlands. When you think of the Netherlands you immediately think of Amsterdam, right? Well Amsterdam is home to Schipol Airport - AMS – one of the single largest airports in the entire world. It’s also home to such iconic places to visit as the Anne Frank Museum, which contains the house and the attic where Anne Frank and her family famously hid from the Nazis during WWII. It’s also the home of the Vincent Van Gogh Museum and such classic works of art as Starry Night:



And of course when you think of the Netherlands you immediately think of drugs. Because why wouldn’t you? The fact that the Netherlands has been the home of the anti-War on Drugs has been well documented in countless movies like Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay:



And if you want sports – they’ve got ‘em. Football, field hockey and of course golf are particularly popular in this country. Concerts? Amsterdam is home to tons of music festivals like Lowlands and Best Kept Secret. The Netherlands is also the home of such scenic cities as Utrecht, Maastrict, Rotterdam, and Tillburg. It’s also the home of the Hague – the home of the world’s only non partisan international court. Where we have yet to see a Bush or Trump stand trial. Now speaking of Anne Frank, the Anne Frank Center recently issued this warning about the United States and the rise of the alt right:





But what else is The Netherlands the home of? Well, it’s the home of a massive food contamination problem that’s spreading to neighboring countries like Belgium, Germany, and Luxembourg.



Was the guy at the helm like Homer Simpson when he just kept pressing the Y key on his keyboard?



Man I want to live in the Netherlands. Here in California we’re actually worried about the very real possibility of a North Korean nuclear strike. In the Netherlands? Eggs. But apparently this egg thing is very real and it’s deeply troubling across borders in the Netherlands.





At least Bugs Bunny is an effective general! But what else happens in the Netherlands? You know, in Europe’s Vegas, what happens in the Red Light District stays in the Red Light District, am I right? But this egg scandal is very serious and it goes back as far as last year:





Oh come on Netherlands, we here in the United States are used to this kind of thing. We have thing called the Monsanto Corporation, who are also getting a lot of shit for this kind of thing! But food poisoning isn’t the only thing going in the Netherlands. It’s dominating the news right now and it should, but we always want to look at all aspects when we visit a particular country. You know one way the Netherlands is better than us? Here’s how they treat refugees.





Yes – you heard that correctly! Crime in the Netherlands is dropping so much that the country is having a hard time actually filling its’ prisons! They can borrow some of ours, and we’ve got a surplus! And by the way you want to see what an actual jail looks like in the Netherlands? Can we show that?



Holy crap! That’s nicer than a lot of apartments I’ve been in! That’s nicer than a lot of hotels I’ve stayed in,. and I’ve stayed in some dumps. But what else is going on in the Netherlands? Did you know the Netherlands is the home of the world’s largest bicycle parking garage? Not surprising!





Oh and by the way – even a country that might be one of the best liberal countries to live in – isn’t immune from Trump.





[font size="6"]The Verdict & Scorecard[/font]

The Netherlands is an awesome country. I’ve been there. But no country on earth right now is completely immune from conservative idiocy or the alt right. But the Netherlands might be one of the best countries we’ve visited so far.

Tourism: A
Culture: A
Political Spectrum: B-
Liberal Appeal: A+

Overall: A

[font size="6"]Next Week[/font]

Next week we’re doing it gothic style as we head to Eastern Europe for the final European destination on the first leg of our World Tour – the Czech Republic! Then it’s on to Africa, South America, and North America! Plus commemorating edition number 3-11, how about some live music from 311? Yay!


[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8"]Blink 182[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is one of the biggest bands in the world right now and they have one of last year’s best albums which just got reissued with a deluxe version. I’m of course talking about Blink 182 and their excellent album “California”. Buy it or you’re no friend of this show. Playing their song “Kings Of The Weekend”, give it up for Blink 182!!!!





Yeah how about that? Wait, they want to stick around for one more? Sure!



Yeah how about that?

See you next week!

August 15, 2017

I feel like starting a debate right now.

And that debate is: Eyelashes on car headlights - cute or creepy? I personally say creepy.

August 15, 2017

Wow. Stan Lee called out hate and bigotry in 1968!

https://twitter.com/TheRealStanLee/status/897504040208154627