December 15, 2016

Nor Cal Embezzler Spends $1 Million On Cell Phone Game

If I have a million bucks, the last thing I'm doing is spending it on a fucking cell phone game. These things are designed to pray on the easily addicted.

December 14, 2016

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #2-5: The Election From Hell:Treason Is The Reason For The Season Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #2-5: The Election From Hell: Treason Is The Reason For The Season Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Wooooooooooooooooo!!!! Wooooooo! Woooooo! Wooo! Woo. We have just one more Top 10 before the end of the year. You know it’s the Holiday season of 2016 and we’ve already made fun of the endless barrage of ads for insanely expensive gifts like luxury cars, diamond jewelry and electronics that seem to air every 30 seconds. But most of us are angry that Krampus is going to take over the White House in January (dear Krampus, I have moved to 715 N. 5th Avenue, New York City! ). And in New York City, the annual Santa Con is a thing that is happening. And like most things Santa Con usually ends in total disaster. There’s been Santas fighting, there’s been Santas packing heat, there’s been Santas passed out on the LIRR. There’s been Santas out in the street going crazy. So with all that going on, is anyone really that surprised that the NY Transit Authority banned booze for people going to Santa Con? I mean after all it’s not like anything that happened at previous Santa Cons means that the convention lives up to the hype. I mean did anyone see Bad Santa? You have to be completely wasted 24/7 to do that job. Which is why this happens:



Or this:



Or this:




Oh wait, that was from Bad Santa. I have no ending for this so I take a small bow. Enough of that intro. But first Jimmy Kimmel offers a great idea for a last minute Christmas gift:



Holy fuck, quite the bombshell that was dropped in the last 24 hours am I not right about that? So with that in mind Donald Trump takes up the top spot this week because as they say on Arrested Development, may have committed some um, light treason. We’ll explore some of that. Meanwhile, Donald Trump (2) is continuing to throw American intelligence under the bus. In more ways than one. In slots #3 – 5, we’re going to take a look at some of Trump’s cabinet offerings. Or as I'm calling this segment "Meet The Fuckers". In the third slot is our new Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson (3). You might remember Rex as a conservative idiot hall of famer, but wow, holy crap. In the fourth slot is his new labor secretary Andrew Pudzer. Hey Idiocracy was right – the Secretary of Labor really is brought to you by Carl’s Jr! And boy is this guy a gem! In the fifth slot is Donald Trump’s Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin (5). Wait, I thought Hillary Clinton was in bed with Goldman Sachs! WRONG!!!!!! Donald Trump also occupies the 6th slot and we’re going to talk what is going on at the inauguration. Taking the seventh slot – is another Trump nominee – Linda McMahon, who is Trump’s pick for the SBA. Which, as the owner of a mega conglomerate, is something that she knows a lot about! In the number (8) slot we’ve got another installment of “How Is This Still A Thing”, and we’re going to ask: The Family Research Council (8) : How is this still a thing? In the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot we’re one again going to be looking at the Trump Effect (9) which includes a lot of swastika graffitti, hate crimes and a professor in my own back yard getting harassed and threatened by Trump supporters (you really can’t make this shit up!), and Richard Spencer claims America belongs to white males. Finally this week we’re going to continue our lecture series from last week we’re going to tell you about how to talk to your conservative relatives about Trump in a fun and informative way! and go through the next few chapters in Trump For Dummies (10)! Plus since you’re nice for listening to my schtick, we’re going to get you in the mood for the holidays. So the Dropkick Murphys have a brand new album out on January 6th called “11 Short Stories of Pain And Glory”. But they’re not going to play anything from it. Instead they’re going to play their awesome holiday song “The Season’s Upon Us” from their current album “Signed And Sealed In Blood”. So don’t make me turn this show around! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!


[font size="8"]Donald Trump[/font]




So in the words of the immortal George Bluth from Arrested Development, Donald Trump may have committed some, um, light treason. And treason is the reason for the season! Before we delve into why he may or may not have committed treason, let’s first take a look at how treason – the only crime mentioned in that document that Trump’s brown shirts suggest we take literally, the US Constition – is defined:



So that’s how it is defined. But Russia isn’t technically considered an enemy of the US. And how does the possibility that Donald Trump may have committed election fraud with the help of Russia play out? Well before we get into that, let’s see how Trump plans to take intelligence briefings:



Yeah great idea! You know what happened the last time an intelligence meeting was skipped? Oh that’s right it was on August 20th, 2001 when CIA analysts told George W Bush that “something big was being planned on American soil”. You know what happened 3 weeks later? 9/11! Yeah Trump, ignore those intelligence briefings! “I’m a smart guy, OK? I’m a very smart guy, and all terrorist groups are stupid losers! Intelligence, who needs it?” Oh by the way Obama put the kibosh on that line of thinking:





So getting back to the subject of the Russian hacking scandal – let’s recap what is going on so far:





Ha that was us again! Fooled you! But Donald Trump is quite literally going mad with power. He continues to tell the intelligence community to go fuck itself on an almost daily basis:





That was from the Simpsons Movie, even top conservatives are calling for an investigation like John McCain and Joe Walsh:







And this is coming from the same guy, who a week before the election, said this:



Yeah… duh! Does anyone still have a musket besides history museums? Joe Walsh might be Mr. Bad Example in this one.




[font size="8"]Donald Trump[/font]


File this one under “things that wont end well”. So Donald Trump is treading into dangerously evil territory here. I mean seriously he’s gone mad with power. And from that Simpsons Movie clip earlier, have you ever tried going mad without power? It’s boring, no one listens to you! So Donald Trump may completely ignore daily intelligence briefings because – get this – he’s a smart guy!





And this was back in October! So when confronted with evidence of Russian hacking, what was Trumpenfuror’s excuse? He’s a smart guy!



I can imagine him in the White House now – “I’m a smart guy, OK? Nobody is smarter than I am! I make the best decisions! What? Terrorists to launch attack on American soil? Get out of here! Intelligence briefings are for stupid losers! Now watch this clip from Celebrity Apprentice!”



And in case you were wondering why we *NEED* daily intelligence briefings, you know the last guy who skipped out on intelligence briefings? Was George W. Bush, and we all know how that turned out. So what happened next? Oh yeah that’s right! 9/11! But what are the ramifications of this? I mean shit just got real here:



Yes Donald Trump would let his own ego get in the way of a terror attack on US soil. Shit just got real here.






[font size="8"]Rex Tillerson[/font]


Let’s get out our history books kids. Anyone remember something that happened in the 1930s called “The Business Plot”? It was when a group of extremely wealthy business owners attempted to stage a fascist coup against then-president Franklin D. Roosevelt. And you know what? They failed big time because a man named Smedley Butler knew of the intelligence ahead of time and stopped them from taking over the US government. Let’s review:



And then remember what Paul LePage said just a few short weeks ago?





Yeah get this weak stuff out of here! Because fuck freedom! Fuck the very things this country was founded on and what made it great in the first place! So how do you overthrow a government that thrives on freedom? Easy! Give all the jobs to the people who are the least qualified!



Yes he has a way too cozy relationship with shirtless dressage champion Vladimir Putin.



You’re welcome for that image by the way. By the way, just how toxic is Mr. Tillerson’s relationship with Mr. Putin? Even Fox News thinks this guy would be a complete disaster. Fox News! Fox News!!!! Why is my voice getting so high??????????????????



Yes! He’s not an experienced diplomat and he has billions at stake by letting the Russian sanctions go that we imposed on them a long time ago! That is about as greedy as it gets folks!




[font size="8"]Andrew Puzder[/font]




That’s now a thing! Yes that is from one of our favorite movies here at the Top 10 Home Office in Anaheim, California, Idiocracy. Another company in California that has been threatening to move to Texas for years now because they don’t want to pay taxes is Carl’s Jr. And their CEO Andrew Pudzer has been making a lot of headlines lately. And whew, is this guy a gem. He’s perfect for Donald Trump’s cabinet – a millionaire donor who hates women, has been divorced multiple times, and is very, very anti labor. Just how anti labor is Andrew Puzder?





Holy fuck!!!! So he bashes elites but praises Donald Trump? I got news for ya, Mr. Puzder, you can’t get much more elite than Donald Trump. The hypocrisy on the right about what passes for elitism is astonishing! I mean seriously this is a guy who had a 24 course Thanksgiving dinner that featured two dishes named after him! This guy flies around in a giant 757 with his name on it! By the way you want to know what makes Pudzer qualified to be Labor Secretary in Trump’s cabinet? His company was fined multiple times for breaking safety violations and stealing wages:



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And there’s also this:






[font size="8"]Stephen Mnuchin[/font]


Hey remember during the campaign when Donald Trump supporters and conspiracy theorists alike were slamming Hillary Clinton for being “in bed with Goldman Sachs”? Well guess what? Karma is about to come full circle because Goldman Sachs is about to run the government you elected! Yes, Trump supporters the looting of what’s left of the treasury is about to begin! And you helped create this! The bankrupting of our country is on you! Let’s find out exactly who Mnuchin is.





So *cue Seinfeld bass line* What’s the deal with Goldman Sachs? Who the hell is this guy and why should we care? Well here’s a bit more info:



What exactly did IndyMac do that made them so bad? Why they were a member of the sub prime housing lenders that led to the crash of 2008. In fact if Mnuchin is expected to be confirmed as Treasury Secretary, expect things to get a hell of a lot worse than 2008.





And by the way, anyone remember when republicans were accusing us of being paid by George Soros to protest Trump? Oh yeah they’re still doing that! And what the fuck do they think George Soros does? I think they need some reeducation because he is paying Steven Mnuchin:





Oh and by the way in case you were wondering how evil Steven Mnuchin really is, this is almost a cartoonish, C. Montgomery Burns level of evil:






[font size="8"]Donald Trump[/font]


A lot of people have speculated that Donald Trump doesn’t want to be president, he just wants the attention that comes with being president. That’s why he’s literally filled all his cabinet positions with CEOs so they can be the president of whatever they’re being the president of. So allow me to give you exhibit A:





Yes! That’s right! For just the low low price of $1,000,000 *cue Dr Evil voice* ONE MILLION DOLLARS, you too can get a private dinner with the president! But even that kind of money can’t buy everything! I mean look at how few people they’re trying to get to play the inauguration:



Hey! You can get my Z-grade show for the low low price of $5.



Damn!!! I was so close! But check out how Trump is planning to enter his inauguration. Apparently he might be taking cues from Bruce Wayne in the Dark Knight:



Who does he think he is? Bruce Wayne? But you know who might play Trump’s inaugural? Someone who has almost as big of an ego as he does. Someone who has hinted that he would run for president in 2020 or 2024. Someone who… is almost as addicted to wealth and status as Mr. Trump. Any guesses yet, anyone?



YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I called it last week! Wooooooooooooo!!!!! They can both sing this song together:



God can you imagine a duet between Kanye and Trump on this song? By the way, Stephen Colbert had a great piece on Kanye and Trump meeting:




[font size="8"]Linda McMahon[/font]


Of all of Trump’s picks for the highest levels of government so far – nearly every single one of them is baffling. It’s almost as if he’s trying to form an anti-government. You know like this:





Yeah get this weak stuff out of here! I mean everyone thought it was batshit insane to appoint Ben Carson, a brain surgeon, as the head of the HUD, which gives new meaning to the phrase “It takes a brain surgeon to do this!”. Well apparently it does! But this might be the most batshit insane pick of all – his pick to head the Small Business Administration:



Can you imagine the head of the giant corporation WWE going to small businesses around the country? Only meetings that would start with a body slam!



Oh and by the way this is a woman who, much like Carly Fiorina, attempted to purchase a Senate seat and lost big time:



http://t15.deviantart.net/9yXzBXs-KYK6S7NBPYmOKlOuuCs=/fit-in/700x350/filters:fixed_height(100,100) rigin()/pre06/9565/th/pre/f/2013/028/d/e/epic_fail_by_fredrickburn-d5t1zkm.jpg


[font size="8"]Family Research Council[/font]


Time once again to ask:



The Family Research Council: How Is This Still A Thing? You might remember the Family Research Council from the Bush Administration years. They were one of the biggest advocates of California’s controversial Proposition 8 which banned same sex marriage, but was eventually overturned by the Supreme Court. This dealt a huge blow in the FRC’s efforts to ruin families. Them and other organizations like One Million Moms do nothing but obstruct. Take a look at what they’re doing to the expensive jewelry chain Zales:



In fact here is the ad in question:



Oh two nice looking women getting married and being in love! The horror! Well the Family Research Council, One Million Moms, and tons of other groups like it are frothing at the mouth over this ad to the point where innocent Zales managers and employees are getting harassed. So here’s how the SPLC defines the Family Research Council:





And here’s some of their greatest hits. For instance just look at what got them in extremely hot water a few years ago:






Yes, they actually had noted serial sex offender and *ALLEGED* child molester Josh Duggar on their board of directors. And he subsequently resigned after admitting his faults and the FRC denounced one of their own for it. But what were they up to this week? Well here’s what happened:





Yes… WTF Lol. Did you not see any of the stuff we’ve already said about Tillerson? How could he possibly be the left’s biggest ally in Trump’s cabinet? He’s got hundreds of billions at stake in the Russian Arctic and has been repeatedly denying it, while at the same time denouncing climate change. I mean come on, Tony, what else don’t you like about Tillerson?



Yes! That is the Tony Perkins we know! He claims that Rex Tillerson is responsible for turning the Boy Scouts and Eagle Scouts gay! Which has been proven to be, um, not true, since about 2001. That’s enough to make you ask: The Family Research Council:




[font size="8"]The Trump Effect[/font]


Ask the average Trump fan about what they thought about the protests post-election. They will make the claim that they’re not racist, but will immediately talk shit about the post-election protests with some racist remark about looting, harassment and threats, most of which were non existent. Now contradict that with things Donald Trump fans are saying. There’s been tons of looting, harassment, death threats and swastika graffiti in the name of Trump since it happened. But first Bernie Sanders offers some insight into how Donald Trump slipped through the cracks:





And yes Bernie isn’t wrong. A lot of the exit polls confirmed Trump voters were turning against the PC crowd. But it’s not just the PC crowd. We’re tired of shit happening. Shit like this:



And this:



And this:



And this:



And this – on my home turf no less:




So much better than rioting, they tell us! They didn’t destroy property, they tell us! They didn’t harass anybody or threaten to murder them, they tell us!




[font size="8"]Trump For Dummies Part II: Electric Boogaloo Die Harder[/font]


Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, LGBT and gender non conformers. When we left off last week we were talking about how to talk to your ultra conservative relatives about the worst election in American history. The one that gave rise to all the hate and white supremacism that you’re seeing today. And many of you will be going home for the holidays, wherever your home may be. So with that in mind we’re going to submit to you part II of our new text book – “How To Talk About Trump For Dummies”. I hope that everyone did their homework for the last part and used our advice from Chapters 1 – 4, right? Well this week, class, we’re going to discuss chapters 5 – 7 in our ongoing lecture series. So let’s get out our textbooks, shall we?



[font size="6"]Chapter 5: Safe Spaces[/font]

Conservatives love to make fun of liberals for needing “safe spaces”. They say we can’t handle the heat and need to get out of the kitchen. Well here’s how you can turn the tables on that line of thinking. See they elected a guy who whines and complains about anyone that he doesn’t agree with more than anyone else on the planet earth. Well there’s no one on the planet earth who needs safe spaces on the planet than Donald Trump supporters and white supremacists. The way to win arguments against Trump, since they point out that things like “facts”, and “logic”, and “reason” don’t matter anymore – they’re actually right about that one. So how do you win arguments when facts don’t matter? Here’s how you do that – by reversing the argument. So last week conservatives were complaining about a movie that I am very much looking forward to – Rogue One: A Star Wars Story.



You can counter with an argument from a well researched article like this:



And by the way that didn’t happen. But the guy who led the Twitter barrage of hate last week resulting in that being a thing, was completely untrue. Much like Pizzagate:



Pro Tip: In a world where facts and logic don’t matter, maybe a good song to help ease tension works when arguing with Trump supporters. You can counter with a personal favorite of mine – Pink Floyd’s Another Brick In The Wall Pt.2:




Pro Tip: Conservatives hate safe spaces and accuse us liberals of needing too many when in reality it’s actually quite the opposite. All you have to do is point out that since Donald Trump got elected, they’re protesting Starbucks by buying Starbucks ( Idiots #2-1 ), boycotting a musical that’s sold out for two years ( See Idiots #2-2 ), and now they’re boycotting a movie that’s going to easily make $200 million in two weeks. Who needs safe spaces again? I believe that is what we call “hypocrisy”, kids!



[font size="6"]Chapter 6: The Bubble[/font]

There’s been a lot of talk about bubbles since the last two presidential administrations. Here’s how How To Talk About Trump For Dummies defines The Bubble. It’s when you constantly need your hand held to talk about certain issues. Which conservatives, who don’t read actual news sites and resort to conspiracy theories, resort to. That’s when they need things explained to them about how the real world works. That’s called living in a bubble. Conservatives say we liberals live in a bubble, us liberals say conservatives live in a bubble where facts don’t matter. So it’s been the subject of countless sketch comedy bits and talk show segments.


&t=4s

So how do you “define” the bubble? For conservatives that bubble consists of fake news sites like Infowars, Prison Planet, Breitbart, the 700 Club, anything Milo Yiannopolous does, and just about every single far right conservative news site out there, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Michael Medved, Larry Elder, Fox News, I could go on and on. We liberals have uh… the Daily Show, the Late Show with Stephen Colbert, and uh… that’s about it. If we liberals really want to take back the government we really need to change the narrative, because it’s been hijacked. So with that in mind let’s dissect a popular talking point with Trump supporters and the Fox News crowd - the unemployment rate:



Holy fuck!!!! 74% of Trump voters think that unemployment decreased under Obama. Well…. The actual news paints a much different theory:





[font size="6"]Chapter 7: The Punching Bags[/font]

Donald Trump is a very short tempered individual. If someone doesn’t agree with him, he retreats to the one place where he can get his frustrations out: Twitter. And boy does he Tweet very angrily. In fact he takes potshots repeatedly at various people and organizations. These are what we define as the Punching bags. One of Donald Trump’s favorite punching bags is the New York Times. Remember that giant wall of Tweets that the New York Times constructed a few weeks ago? You can find it here. He called the New York Times failing on multiple occasions. But what happens when the New York Times calls Trump out for his bullshit? Let's take a look at what they say about Trump's business conflict of interest - of which he has many:



Wait – this raises many questions here. I thought Trump was the hardest working guy on the planet! I mean he even worked on Thanksgiving, does anyone not remember that? "Yes, I am the hardest working American! I saved jobs on Thanksgiving by not shipping them to Mexico and paying a giant conglomerate that I have stock in some major tax breaks to keep jobs in America." And who vacations at their own resort? If I am going on vacation, the last place I’m going is the place where I work! And let’s juxtapose that with how many times the republicans claim that President Obama took vacation:



Pro Tip: A fact like this is useless to the deplorables. It’s best to convey it in a Fake Trump Tweet:



Pro Tip: Another way of handling the subject of Trump is to use Trump’s own Twitter feed against him. You know this time next year Donald Trump will have to give his first State Of The Union address next year. Judging from his Twitter feed, what does Trump think about that?




Those are real Trump Tweets by the way! Another way you can get back at your conservative relatives is to roll the tape.

That’s it for this week class! Be sure to brush up on your reading and homework for when we meet to discuss in the next class chapters 8 – 10 on 1/4/17!

[font size="8"]And now this:[/font]
[font size="8"]Dropkick Murphys[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, playing their song “The Season’s Upon Us” from their album “Signed And Sealed In Blood”, the Dropkick Murphys!





Yeah how about that?

See you next week for our final Top 10 of 2016!

December 14, 2016

Trump Effect: OC Professor Gets Death Threats After Calling Trump's Election "Terrorism"

Yeah death threats! So much classier than rioting they tell us!

Although anyone who uses the phrase "libtard" in a college setting should be kicked out of school.

December 10, 2016

Colbert asks: Norm Or Law?

December 8, 2016

O'Reilly: I'm Never Going On The View Again After Disrespect Of Trump

And it's because of this:



I side with Behar on this one. After Trump supporters are now threatening children and harassing innocent pizza joints because of alleged child molestation, all I have to say is "who is disrespecting the president elect again?"

December 8, 2016

Colbert Takes On Pizzagate

December 7, 2016

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #2-4: The Election From Hell: The Art Of The No Deal Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #2-4: The Election From Hell: The Art Of The No Deal Edition

Hey everyone! This is officially the one year anniversary of the Top 10! We made it one year!!! Yes an entire year of following Donald Trump around documenting every failure and lie he's told! And I didn't want to throw my computer out the window! Woooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! Are you a conservative white male over 50 years old with lots of disposable income who wants to hide the fact that they’re aging very poorly? Or maybe you’re the CEO of a large corporation, speaker of the house, or you’re the future president elect of the United States. Well have no fear, the Bronzer Club for Men is here! For just four payments of $200, you too can look just like former speaker of the House, John Boehner, or the 45th president of the United States, Donald J. Trump. Just slather this giant tub of goo that you will receive weekly with your membership to your face and voila! Youth restored! Just imagine the beautiful young ladies that you will pick up to accelerate the process of divorcing from your third trophy wife! Just a quick phone call will make you look 10, 20, or 30 years younger! It will give you the perfect excuse to use those Viagra single packs that you got from your sketchy online pharmacy in Tijuana that you can use on the cruise to Puerto Vallarta that you just booked, am I right guys? Just call our hotline today at 1-800-FUT-RUMP. That’s 1-800-FUT-RUMP. Remember – Donald Trump isn’t just the founder of the club, he’s also a member! Don’t delay, order today! Ah, that’s enough of that nonsense. Let’s get to it shall we? First though our amazing current VP stopped by Colbert and said he wouldn’t rule out running against Trump in 2020:


Do it Mr. Biden!!!

So where do we begin this week? The top slot this week is not going to go to returning champion Donald J. Trump, but to Alex Jones (1). Yes, Alex Jones knocks Donald Trump out fo the top spot this week. Turns out his fearmongering of the Pizzagate scandal – which has been proven to be fake news – has led to real violence! Holy shit! Of course slots 2 – 4 are going to our returning champion Donald J. Trump. In the second slot we’re going to discuss how he plans to start WWIII by throwing 40 years of diplomatic relations between Taiwan and China down the toilet. In the third slot we’re going to discuss the “deal” reached with Carrier and how he plans to save jobs – by shipping them to Mexico and giving the boss a bribe! In the fourth slot, we’re going to discuss SNL taking their Twitter war with Donald Trump meta. Taking the fifth slot is Breitbart. Last week we talked about how Breitbart lost one of their biggest sponsors – Kelloggs, well cue the world’s tiniest violin because they are hopping mad, and it’s only causing more sponsors to pull out. In the number 6 spot, is the NRA (6). Should we change Black Friday to Red Friday? Because Black Friday sales were lackluster in most areas (partly because people are sick of it), but the one thing people bought more of than any other thing? Guns! In the number 7 seed is Sears. Sears is in deep shit financially thanks to their CEO’s Ayn Randian policies that have tanked the once mighty chain. Yay! At number 8, we are going to talk about the War On Drugs – and the GOP and especially Donald Trump – definitely aren’t helping things. In the number 9 (NEIN!!!!) slot, is the Trump Effect. This time, Trump’s Brown Shirts are taking on the Mall Of America in Minneapolis – for – gasp – a black Santa! The horror! Finally this week we’re going to do something radically different from anything we’ve ever done. You know the holidays are a thing that is happening right now as we speak. What, the non stop barrage of Lexus, Mercedes, Best Buy, and Zales ads haven’t beat you over the head with it already? Well many of you are going to be traveling for the holidays and are probably going to be visiting your ultra conservative relatives. So we’re going to be channeling the “For Dummies” series of books and giving you advice on how to talk to your relatives, in a new segment we are calling “Trump For Dummies!”. Plus since you’re nice for listening to my schtick, we have some live music again for you – and this time how about some live music from Puscifer? They have a great new album out called “Money Shot” that you really should listen to if you get a chance. It’s the stuff of pure genius. And their video for the song they’re going to play – “The Remedy” – has won awards! How about that? And they will be stopping by later! Enjoy! And as always don’t forget the key!


[font size="8"]Alex Jones[/font]


Ugh… do I really have to talk about Infowars? Shit. No I don’t want to! Make me. I know you are but what am I? Takes one to know one! OK fine. Fuck it. So one of the things that came out of the worst election ever was the fact that more people paid attention to fake news than real news. Like there’s this guy.



Great! I have just one thing to say to you, if WWIII is the work of Donald Trump, and judging from his misadventures in diplomacy this week, it sounds like it’s inevitable at this point. So that’s on you. And I have one thing to say:



You know who else isn’t helping? Alex Jones. You may have heard about a “scandal” brewing called Pizzagate. Now the jist of it is that allegedly Hillary Clinton and her campaign manager John Podesta allowed a pizza restaurant in Washington DC called Comet Ping Pong to run a child sex ring underneath the restaurant. Except that it has been proven to be not true. And these poor people have been subjected to endless harassment from alt reichers. And Alex Jones wont shut up about it.



And yesterday the second shooting happened under Alex Jones’ name (the first was the Las Vegas cop shooting back in 2015 started by Infowars fans). This guy is going to start a fucking war if we’re not careful.





So to extrapolate the “logic” of Infowars fans, because Hillary Clinton had planned a fundraiser at this pizza place, it’s all of a sudden the center of a child molestation investigation confrontation? Well it isn’t true. There’s nothing funny about that, and there’s nothing funny about the endless harassment going to the owner and employees of Comet Ping Pong coming from Infowars fans. And of course since the actual violence happened, Alex Jones isn’t helping things. Here’s what the bloviating asshole had to say before the shooting happened.



Yes there is video of this. Unfortunately I couldn’t find a link it’s probably been taken down from Youtube (seriously fuck Alex Jones). But it definitely isn’t helping that the son of the guy who Trump picked to be National Security Adviser fucked up and passed this crap around Twitter:





You know what’s underneath the Comet Ping Pong restaurant? A fucking sewer! And the alt reich is in it!!!!! Really how fucking stupid are you? Oh yeah they think “ice cream” is code for “male prostitute”!!!!! Ah, the stupid it burns!!!



Yeah so the Pizzagate gunman was a fan of Infowars and Alex Jones:






[font size="8"]Donald Trump[/font]


If you haven’t seen the current season of South Park, you must. It takes on Twitter trolling and Donald Trump:



Let’s lighten things up and talk about WWIII, shall we? Do I dare ask for some appropriate music?



Thank you!!!!!

Well it’s the end of the world as we know it folks, and I feel fine. Well REM’s song was only 25 years too early. Because the man who will most likely be responsible for the end of the world is none other than our actual future president Donald J. Trump. So before we dive into this head first, you are aware that Taiwan has been in a diplomatic feud with China over its’ independence and control of the South China Sea, right? Plus we have some long standing diplomatic ties to China. So here’s how Donald J. Trump is involved in this whole thing.





Whoa let’s stop there. Yeah you are wrong there, Donald. So what is the whole controversy between Taiwan and China?

What is the China-Taiwan issue?

Both players claimed, at least formally, to represent all of China — which they considered to include each other’s territory. That created problems, including periodic risks of war, for decades.





That’s not wrong Donald, that’s exactly what happened. So why does this phone call matter?





Holy fucking shit! So with one phone call, Donald Trump may have escalated 40 years of diplomatic tensions! By the way, does it seem odd to anyone else that all the world’s problems seem to have started around oh 1980? Maybe Reagan’s election was the nexus of the universe! Of course I’m surprised we didn’t see time travelers on election night. But there’s more!





So Beijing has told Donald Trump that he’s treading on extremely thin ice here! So he might be the catalyst for World War III after all! He’s already nominated the other three horsemen – Bannon, Sessions, and DeVos to his cabinet! So what else is coming because of this?



So of course Trump retreats to his old friend Twitter for some angry 3:00 AM toilet Tweets. Like these:




Those are the actual Tweets. Of course making ones up is my job, damn it!



And apparently this whole thing has been planned for a long time:



Which prompted the White House to do some major damage control:






[font size="8"]Donald Trump[/font]




That was so brilliant. So the art of the deal… or in this case the Art Of The No Deal. As in what Donald Trump did to the Carrier Air Conditioning manufacturing company based in Indiana. So here’s what happened:



Except it didn’t.







I like that one! Yes so if we extrapolate Donald Trump’s logic, he saved 1400 jobs that United Technologies, a company he personally owns stock in, from going to Mexico – a country that he plans to build a wall around, by negotiating the number down to 1200. Those jobs are still gone. And Carrier gets some nice tax breaks out of it.





And here’s where things get really scary – this was no victory. Instead I believe the technical term that we’re looking for is “clusterfuck”.






[font size="8"]Donald Trump[/font]


So what does Donald Trump do at 11:30 on a Saturday night? I’m guessing he is not attending the Green Day concert and going on an all night bender followed by a 3:00 AM quickie in an alley way by the concert venue. And no that’s not how I spent my night at that show! No, he’s a family man, and is probably watching TV on the couch. And if he hates the show that much, you know Donald, there’s a whole world of TV out there! Oh wait, he must have a DVR alert for shows about him, which might explain why he hates Alec Baldwin so much. Let’s roll tape first.



So what did Trump himself have to say about this?



Let’s throw that Tweet up there shall we?



Yes that’s the actual Tweet. Now let’s throw up Mr. Baldwin’s response, shall we?








No it’s not wrong. That’s exactly what happened. And in fact Trump got even further beat down by another activist on Twitter:





And in case you were wondering what the official position from Team Trump is, look no further than his campaign manager:






[font size="8"]Breitbart[/font]


So if you’ve been paying attention, you know last week we talked about how Kellogg’s and other advertisers are pulling their sponsorship of Breitbart. You know Breitbart – that internet site that is the internet site of racist uncles everywhere. So Kellogg’s, as they say drew first blood. And now Breitbart is going off the rails at Kellogg’s.



Who does Brietbart think they are? Rambo? THEY DREW FIRST BLOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Actually, they’re just a bunch of losers. 85 million losers, as their site claims their readership is. Might want to get out the Sad Hulk Music. And the world’s tiniest violin.









I like that one! But in case you’re wondering where this is going, what the possible legal ramifications of this are, well here’s what an actual 1st Amendment lawyer says regarding this issue:



You know Breitbart, when you’re in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging!!!!



Ooh, I like that one!


[font size="8"]The NRA[/font]


So going back to the first entry this week, never mind that a gun nut shot up the Comet Ping Pong pizza parlor in Washington DC based on a bullshit, non existent conspiracy theory that has no basis in reality and has been proven false by Snopes:





Finally! That one is wrong! And you know how the fuck do the people “investigating” Pizzagate know these things? Who the fuck knows what code words pedophiles use? I don’t! And if you know and you continue to post these things out in the open, you probably should be investigated by the FBI! Thank you very much! But I’m getting carried away here. You know Black Friday is a thing that happened this year and you know what happened? This:





Maybe we should start calling it “Red Friday”. It seems no one wants to go to the malls or camp out at Wal-Mart despite that they air ads like this:



But you know what people bought more of anything on Black Friday? Be afraid, be very afraid, folks!






[font size="8"]Sears[/font]




John Oliver does it much better than we do! But seriously – Ayn Rand – how is this still a thing in 2016?? Well we know Paul Ryan is a huge Ayn Rand fan – and that should be pretty obvious! But also how is this still a thing – Sears? I thought they went out of business a long time ago. But they’re still around and very slowly tanking. Here’s what happened:



This sounds like another classic Borders or Tower Records – take the money and run!




And here’s where Ayn Rand comes into play. If you guessed that this backfired on Sears’ CEO, you are correct sir / madam! You get points!



Which really sucks. You know Sears has always been dedicated to American manufacturing which is why their Craftsman line was always popular with machinests and construction workers and home improvement enthusiasts (hear that, Trump?), and it does kind of suck that they’re going under at the hands of an asshole.






[font size="8"]The War On Drugs[/font]


Marijuana. That thing that keeps Cypress Hill employed.









I kid, I kid. But just when you think we’re making strides toward legalization with nearly 8 states approving the use of legalized weed, along comes Donald Trump and appoints this guy as his new Attorney General, who promises to roll back decades of marijuana progress.





Holy fucking shit! Wait let’s extrapolate this for a minute. So Jeff Sessions is against marijuana because he found out that the KKK smokes pot. Maybe you’re unaware of this, Jeff, but your new boss got elected with overwhelming support from white supremacists, hardcore racists, the KKK, neo Nazis, and racist uncles everywhere. I mean even the next entry we are going to get into discusses this. But here’s where Donald Trump isn’t helping things:





So how did the Philippenes deal with this? Yeah they pretty much murder anyone who they suspect might be a drug dealer:



Nothing funny about that. But there is some breaking news that I can make fun of!





http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/live-feed/duck-dynasty-producers-leave-at-itv-fraud-investigation-953092




[font size="8"]The Trump Effect[/font]


So we here at the Top 10 are going to say goodbye. Hey, wait, you didn’t let me finish. We’re going to say goodbye to a long standing policy on this show of using the number 9 (NEIN!!!!!) slot to call out white supremacists and white supremacy. Because the election of Donald Trump, white supremacists are coming out of the woodwork. They’re everywhere, folks! White supremacy is now mainstream! Emperor Palpatine won, and Americans are starting to embrace the Dark Side! Yes I realize I am using way too many Star Wars references this week. Especially because we’re a week away from a movie that I am very much looking forward to. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story. Instead from here on out, the number 9 (NEIN!!!) slot is going to be used for what I call “The Trump Effect”. Because of this:





Because you know when the Germans are alarmed at our white supremacy, and use of Nazi imagery, you know it’s becoming a problem. It’s like that mole on your back. It was fine when you checked it a year ago, but now it’s becoming a problem that we can no longer ignore. Which is why I’m changing the name to “The Trump Effect” because he created this problem. And here’s a perfect example of what I am talking about.



Can we show that photo?



Worst ticker tape parade ever, by the way!



But this is why I wanted to do this entry this week. We head to the great city of Minneapolis for this one. So it starts out innocent enough:



Sigh. And here’s where the internet comes in. See the alt right thinks of diversity the same way that Ron Burgundy does.



Which if you can guessed what happens next, you get points good sir / madam!



Good god these people fucking suck. And these people are the people who really hate America if they’re attacking vets. If you do that, fuck you, OK? And they’re going to be running the country for the next four years. Excuse me a minute…




[font size="8"]Trump For Dummies[/font]


Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, LGBT and gender non conformers. Gather around. So we have come to the end of one of the most volatile, hostile, and batshit insane election cycles in history. And our new president is a guy who might just be the biggest asshole on the planet. Now many of you are planning on traveling for the holidays, and going back home, wherever your home may be. And that means that you have to deal with your conservative relatives. So we here at Trump For Dummies are going to teach you about how do you deal with that? This is going to be the first part of an ongoing series in how to talk to Donald Trump fans. Let’s get out our texts shall we?



[font size="6"]Chapter 1: Perception Vs. Reality[/font]

Donald Trump and his most hardcore followers live in fantasy world. A world where facts are meaningless. In fact his most hardcore fans even said so themselves:



Yes there you have it. Straight from the mouths of his most hardcore fans. Drop the mic.



So I don’t need to tell you already that Donald Trump won the coveted title of Time Magazine’s Man Of The Year. Which means that he joins the ranks of other famous dictators including Hitler and Stalin that have graced the cover of the annual magazine. But once again, Donald Trump wins the election but loses the popular vote. Hey o!!!! Who did win the popular vote? It’s India’s prime minister Narendra Modi!





Well… since Donald Trump tends to speak like he Tweets, and that is in short sentences with lots of hyperbolic language, and your racist uncle may not know or care who the prime minister of India is, you can explain it like this:





[font size="6"]Chapter 2: Twitter[/font]

As we pointed out in Chapter 1 – most of Donald Trump’s insanity comes from his racism, sexism, and xenophobia. And as we also said Donald Trump tends to speak like he Tweets – very loud, very angry and with lots of hyperbole. Even Donald Trump’s favorite punching bag the New York Times isn’t above this. Just look at what happened during Donald Trump’s victory tour:



And here’s what actually happened:





Pro tip: Donald Trump supporters don’t like being talked down to, especially when you quote things like facts, or his Twitter feed. When talking to a Trump supporter, it’s best if you speak in their language. A fake Trump Tweet might get their attention like this:



Which you can use to literally say anything. You can even make him sound liberal!



Who are we kidding? Has Trump ever apologized for anything? Hell no! And he’s about to ignite World War III. Now your racist uncle may read Breitbart and listen to Infowars on the claim that it speaks to them. Well if you explain to them that shit rots your brain, you are correct sir / madam. So Donald Trump might be the most embarrassing thing to happen to the White House.



OK second most. Yes that’s former president Lyndon Johnson telling a pants manufacturer about his bunghole and the area where your nuts hang. I’m getting off topic here. But I’d much rather hear LBJ talk about his bunghole than I would hear Donald Trump talk about well, anything.

[font size="6"]Chapter 3: Fake News[/font]

There’s a lot that came out of the worst election in American history. And one of the biggest is that more Americans paid more attention to fake news than they did to real actual news. Sites like Infowars, Prison Planet, and Breitbart won. So Trump fans do not like logic, facts or reason. In fact they won’t have any of it, and instead will resort to quoting Infowars, Prison Planet, and Breitbart. So when you bring up this:



They’ll counter with this:



And then you can counter with images like this:



Or:



And they will still counter with:



[font size="6"]Chapter 4: When Trump Talks About Himself[/font]

Donald Trump loves to talk about himself. And man does he love to talk about himself. And he talks in short sentences. And they are the best sentences. Nobody uses better words than he does. He uses the best words! And the best hyperbole!

Pro Tip: Having an article that is well researched with facts to back up the argument helps, especially when we live in a world where “there’s no such thing as facts anymore”. So you can counter with an argument like this:



Pro Tip: When Donald Trump says something, you can take one of two different articles. The one that quotes his Twitter feed directly:





Pro Tip: The Fake Trump Tweet Generator allows you to convey facts in a way your Trump voting relatives will understand. Like this!



Or one that quotes you know, actual facts:





Pro Tip: It helps if you speak in their language. If they counter with “wrong”, counter with:



Pro Tip: Having an emergency supply of Jack Daniels or your adult beverage of choice helps to make the holidays go much faster! Just take a page from John D. Blutarsky of Delta Tau Kai:



[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8"]Puscifer[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen, playing their song “The Remedy” from their album “Money Shot”, available everywhere music is sold, please welcome Puscifer!





Yeah how about that?

We've got just two Top 10s left in 2016. See you next week!

Ed. Note: BTW, this is the last edition where Forbes will be used as a source. Their site has made it difficult to navigate and to be able to find articles. If anyone has any suggestions for sources let me know.

December 7, 2016

Trump's Victory Tour Barely Fills First Arena

Might want to get the Sad Hulk Music!

December 5, 2016

Breitbart's war on Kellogg's raises legal questions

Keep digging that hole, Breitbart!

December 2, 2016

To quote Bill Maher:

"Actually, now I do!"