orleans
orleans's Journal"Life Goes On"
"If I should go before the rest of you
Break not a flower nor inscribe a stone
Nor when I'm gone speak in a Sunday voice
But be the usual selves that I have known.
Weep, if you must,
Parting is hell,
But life goes on,
So sing as well."
--Joyce Grenfell (english actress, comedienne. from her books "hats off" and "joyce and ginnie; the letters of joyce grenfell and virginia graham" --both collections put together and edited by janie hampton, published posthumously.)
i recently ran across this in a book of memorial poetry.
(it has become glaringly obvious that life does, in fact, go on. for better or worse. i'm still working on that singing part)
i used to have one of mattel's beatnik "scooba doo" dolls with the dark hair
she had a pull string and could talk.
said stuff like "i dig that crazy beat...yeah!"
she would scat which was pretty cool. they show her in this video but the voice box is playing a little too fast.
oh no! glad charlie's okay
i used to have three little dogs, all female (two lhasas & a carin terrier) and wheew! sometimes they'd get into these wicked fights over nothing ("she's looking at me again"
--just perceived insults. it was crazy sometimes. all of a sudden two would tango and the third one would get all excited and jump in.
during several of their fights i remember picking up one and the second one would be hanging onto the first, and the third would be hanging onto the second. i'd have a string of dogs dangling in the air.
no one ever got hurt so bad they needed to go to the vet. but their fights sounded terrible and vicious. those three girls had some really great growls and grrrs.
wishing you some comfort in this time of loss
on top of everything else-all the emotions, all the grief we experience, all the technical crap we weigh through, we are thrown into a position where we basically have to re-learn how to live without someone.
and when it is someone we have had in our life for our *entire* life it can be devastatingly difficult
so often it's the little things that are so hard:
the momentary thought of giving her a call
or going home and looking forward to seeing/talking to her
or seeing something in a store ("mom will really like this"
or "i've got to tell her/ask her..."
i've been struggling through this for over four years and it has been the worst part of my life.
i still talk to her (yes, out loud), and feel that she is often near me. sometimes i "hear" (in my mind) her words or her response. i ask for "signs" to let me know she is still close and have gotten quite a few. while it does reassure me that she is not "completely" gone, it is a far cry from the existence we once had. and there have been hundreds of times when my mantra has been: i want to go back, i want to go back.
it's a different type of relationship that has been established and i would much prefer our old one to this one. but i'll take what i can. our spirit doesn't die, and neither does love. and it is because of the strength of love that allows us to continue across dimensions. it's a difficult adjustment for those of us left on this side of the divide. but what else can we do?
take care. you are not alone.
my heart goes out to you. i simply can not imagine what it must be like to
go through losing both parents just days apart. i am so sorry you are going through this.
i know there is nothing i can say to make it better. but i will tell you when my dad passed (years ago) his church offered bereavement counseling to the families. my mom wouldn't go but i went. it was maybe 8 weeks (once or twice a week--i forget) and it seemed to really help me cope with his death.
i'm coming up on four years & four months since i lost my mom and it is still terribly difficult for me trying to adjust to my life without her physical presence.
i found the bereavement group here on du and check in there practically every day. it has been a comfort to me through this time/period.
http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=forum&id=1234
"Grief is the internal part of loss, how we feel. The internal work of grief is a process, a journey. It does not end on a certain day or date. It is as individual as each of us. Grief is real because loss is real. Each grief has its own imprint, as distinctive and as unique as the person we lost. The pain of loss is so intense, so heartbreaking, because in loving we deeply connect with another human being, and grief is the reflection of the connection that has been lost."
http://grief.com/
wishing you love and comfort in the days ahead.
"you can heal your heart"
"finding peace after a breakup, divorce, or death" by louise l. hay & david kessler
"grieving is challenging, but it is our thoughts that often add suffering to our pain. we hope that this book will expand your awareness and thinking around loss to include love and understanding. our intention is for you to feel your grief fully without getting stuck in the sorrow and suffering." (pp ix)
"grief is not a condition to be cured but a natural part of life. spirit does not know loss; it knows that every story begins and every story ends, yet love is eternal. our hope is that the words on these pages offer you comfort and peace throughout your journey." (pp ix)
"a broken heart is also an open heart. whatever the circumstances, when you love someone and your time together ends, you will naturally feel pain. the pain of losing a person you love is part of life, part of this journey, but suffering doesn't have to be. although it's natural to forget your power after you lose a loved one, the truth is that after a breakup, divorce, or death, there remains an ability within you to create a new reality." (pp. xvii)
"even when life ends, there is a rhythm. it is sad, of course, because you want more time with your loved one--that's only natural. but there are only two requirements for a complete life: a birth day and a death day. that's it. we all arrive in the middle of the movie, and we leave in the middle of it. we want to hold on to the connection of our loved one who died; we want to keep our memories...and we can eventually release the pain." (pp xxi/xxii)
~~~~~~~~~~
i began reading this book today don't want to put it down. i skipped a divorce chapter but read about relationship loss, death, and other types of loss. there is also a chapter on the loss of a pet.
i feel as if i have already been pulling out of the pain of my grief--it has taken so long! i am not sure how i would have responded to this while in my darkest hours or if it would have helped or not. it might have. in a sense it is giving me the opportunity to see various types of loss from a different perspective--a less painful perspective.
i just checked on worldcat dot org and i see there are not a lot of libraries that have this book yet (it was published on feb. 4th). but you could always request they purchase it like i did. i was told since my library has a number of books by louise hay there shouldn't be a problem getting this one for the collection.
i also just noticed a few reviews people wrote about it (put up on worldcat but from goodreads dot com so here is the link)
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18051508-you-can-heal-your-heart
i just wanted to share this with all of you. maybe it will be of some help.
also, just to let you know
du has a bereavement group
http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=forum&id=1234
which i first discovered after i lost my mom. it has been a real comfort for me to be able to go there, read, and post. i've posted there about my dog as well as my mom.
everyone is different
my furbaby (dog) passed over 7 months ago and i don't foresee getting another (but there are several other factors at play in my personal situation).
it sounds like your daughter is ready to pick up the pieces and begin moving on.
several years ago i lost a beloved dog and six weeks later, without asking me, a friend brought over a ten year old dog from a shelter. i was in no state of mind to make a decision about keeping her (my mom had passed just three months prior) and this ten year old resembled a dog my mom and i had years ago so...i let her stay). i was still grieving over the loss of my other dog, and my mom, and it took a number of months before i warmed up emotionally to this new ten year old. but i did.
my other friends questioned the practically of me keeping the ten year old, knowing she wouldn't be with me that long. but she stayed and i loved her so. she became a comfort, a joy, a companion. i was devastated over losing her. i haven't moved on and am still heartbroken by her absence. she was only with me for three and a half years. yet i am so grateful to have had her that long. i still love her so.
it might take time to warm up to a new addition but eventually you will.
in answer to your question of "how long" -- it sounds like your daughter is answering it for you; it's been long enough and now is the right time for her.
best wishes for whatever you decide.
"weep if you must
parting is hell
but life goes on
so sing as well."
--joyce grenfell
(i just recently found this poem--this is the last part of it -- and i could do well remembering these words myself.)
(raises hand) i am still grieving
i lost my furgirl in june.
still not over it tho i am adjusting to her absence
it's been extremely difficult to be without her.
i don't burst into tears the moment i wake up in the morning anymore
and some days i don't even cry
but sometimes--not often-- i still hear her scratching on the kitchen door frame to get food or go out
her bed is still in my bedroom (she didn't like to sleep on the bed with me--she was a shelter dog with ten years of previous training that i couldn't completely overcome)
and her "nest" is still under the dining room table.
i sleep with her little winter coat every night.
i talk out loud to her at least once every day.
sometimes i start crying when i get out the ice cubes (she loved ice cubes)
the simple routines in the day to day can be glaring reminders of her absence.
it's a sad & strange feeling to think, as i'm driving home, there is no reason to hurry to get there. no longer an incentive. no longer a need to rush. sometimes i still feel that sense of happy anticipation as i head home and then i remember...she is gone.
it is simply amazing to me how much we are able to love, our capacity to love. how wonderful it is that our little furfriends and babies are so cherished and treasured.
i, too, have no plans on finding/getting another. not yet.
take care. sending a warm hug right back at you for all of your heartache. in memory of lance. 
my daughter gave "mouth to mouse" resuscitation
it bought my daughter some time to rush her to the vet, get the dire prognosis, bring her home, keep her comfortable until she died five or six hours later.
we had her in a little cage in the bathroom with a humidifier going (i ran out and bought one along with some pediolite or whatever the vet told her we should get). my daughter kept checking on her--she was so sick. we had to keep the steam going and the bathroom door closed.
at one point my daughter and i were sitting on the couch. my daughter looks down the hallway and says she just saw a shadow pass along the bottom of the closed bathroom door. "she's out of her cage" my daughter said. which was absurd because she had never gotten out of the cage in good health. and now she could barely move.
i said, "oh my god--go check on her." and she was gone. although her body remained in the cage. i heard the cry go up--my daughter, on her knees, holding this dear little mouse in her hands, wailing, sobbing.....
we are convinced it was the spirit of this little mouse, running free at last, that was the shadow under the door.
(sorry to bring this thread down, but when you mentioned your hamster it just reminded me. i had forgotten how intense and dramatic that night was--and i'm leaving out the worst part before the necessary resuscitation and trip to the vet.)
...a spirit mouse. imagine that...
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