i was going to suggest

"grieving the death of a mother" by harold ivan smith -- i thought this was a nice little book & i was going to tell you that you could probably transfer a lot of what he wrote to losing a father.

then i found another one of his books:
"on grieving the death of a father"
(i haven't read it but you can check it out on amazon, read some of the reviews, order it from your library.)

maybe get a notebook and write down your thoughts/feelings/memories about dad. i read your tribute to him--there's a lifetime of love there, and the love doesn't end. when someone we love dies our relationship with them does not end. it is drastically altered, sometimes tragically, but it's not over. and it becomes our challenge to adapt to the new arrangement/design of what was so set and fixed and familiar. they take a piece of us when they go and i think we not only grieve for them but for the part of us that is now missing - a part that makes us incomplete. and if life was good we grieve over the realization that our life will never be the same.

the most recent book i have to read is "i wasn't ready to say goodbye" and while it isn't specifically a book about losing a mother i can tell by skimming through it and the table of contents that there will be plenty for me to relate to. (and regardless of how long a time we have to prepare for the death of a parent--or anyone--i had about a week--i don't think we're ever completely ready. we just don't realize all the ramifications that we're going to be hit with later on.) maybe i'm wrong. maybe there are the perfect and easy deaths but i've never known one and i've never seen one.

do you believe in "ghosts?"

i do.

and by "ghosts" i mean spirits, the dead/departed who return to communicate with the "living"

has anyone ever seen a ghost/spirit/departed person?

i have.

has anyone ever had a ghost/spirit/departed person speak to them?

i have.

has anyone ever seen/heard/encountered various forms of communication or signs from the departed?

again, i have.

just curious--i figure it's the most appropriate time of year to ask these questions.

i recently read about a boy whose twin sister died at birth. as he got a little older he had an invisible/"imaginary" playmate/person he would talk to. eventually he told his parents the name of his playmate--which (you guessed it) just happened to be the name of his twin who died at birth. the parents had not told the boy about the fact that he had a sister. i don't know when the boy was actually informed about having a twin sister. i do know that he's an adult now and knows that his sister died when they were born. anyway, i thought it was an interesting little story.

so what's your take on ghosty-paranormal things?

When you are sorrowful

"When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."
--Kahlil Gibran, from The Prophet

just wanted to let you know about a book i ran across last night

(i tried posting this but there was a computer glitch or something...anyway...)

i haven't read it (i'm ordering it) but you can find it on amazon (it came out in april)

The Gifts of Grief: Finding Light in the Darkness of Loss by therese tappouni

partial description:
"At some point in our lives, we all experience grief:
The death of a loved one, a financial catastrophe, a debilitating illness, or the ending of a marriage. In the dark moments that follow these losses, life can seem hopeless and unbearable.

"Author Therèse Tappouni knows this journey all too well.

"After suffering the devastating loss of her eleven-year-old son, she ultimately came to the realization that it is possible to not only heal from grief, but to find gifts from the deepest places of despair."
(amazon page)

(the first book i read after my mom passed (about four months later) was called "We Don't Die: george anderson's conversations with the other side" written by joel martin & patricia romanowski which was very comforting to me.)

at any rate--i just wanted to let you know about that book in case you'd be interested in checking it out.
take care.

kanda

i'm so sorry you have begun a journey down a path that must be the hardest one to travel. i wish there were words of comfort or wisdom i could give you or share with you but for some reason all i can think of to say is "Love...it's all about love."

take a deep breath and hold on--the changing of the seasons, every holiday, everyone's birthday, all the firsts, then all the seconds, and any moment that triggers a memory or a familiar feeling or just a thought.

every once in awhile as i'm pulling the car into the garage i experience a one or two second feeling of joy or elation thinking i'm going into the house to see my mom. it's like i forget--just for a moment--that she is gone. then the instantaneous crash upon realizing i'm not going to see her when i go inside--the devastating moment when my brain does a reality check. well, i don't crash as hard anymore and those fleeting, happy moments when i forget she's gone are so precious to me.

people have said it gets better with time. i don't think it's so much that it gets better but that we eventually begin to grow stronger. at least that's how it mostly feels for me. still, i know in some way i keep my guard up even to myself and that if i allow myself the luxury i can fall apart all over again (after all, this month makes it only four years since i lost my mom).

take care.

i miss so many things that were a part of my life too

and i was just thinking that last night when i was driving home.

i often wonder what the hell happened to my life. i loved my life--loved it for a thousand reasons. and then everything changed four years ago this month. it was as if there was some cosmic decision that came about: "okay, you're done. now try this."

then i lost my little dog three months ago--the little one who was given to me after i lost my mom and our other dog. i suppose that was one way to get my mind off my mom so much and refocus on something else. but it's been a devastating "something else." (still can't bring myself to part with the little bags of her treats on the kitchen counter, the cans of unopened food in the cupboard, her pillow in the living room, her harness, her everything.)

i loved october--it was always my favorite month. (and that's one of the things i miss--i miss loving it as much as i did.)

sorry kesha--i realize my perpetually depressed state of mind is tiresome.

thank you for asking. i check in here every day, wanted to post a thread several times but it would be just the same rehashing of my issues.

i do believe when i'm reunited with my loves my spirit will finally be free to run and dance and twirl, joyously childlike, in the october breezes of my afterlife.

aw...i'm sorry--that's so sad.

i lost my little dog twelve weeks ago--and the sadness and grief has been tremendous. i wrote about it in the bereavement group (http://www.democraticunderground.com/1234673)

i found a few sympathy poems (or excerpts) that may help in your hours of grief. again--i'm really sorry. it definately takes time to recover from our partings with those we love.

"And if I go while you’re still here… know that I live on, vibrating to a different measure -behind a veil you cannot see through. You will not see me, so you must have faith. I wait for the time when we can soar together again -both aware of each other. Until then, live your life to its fullest. And when you need me, just whisper my name in your heart, …I will be there."
--poem entitled ‘Ascension’ by Colleen Hitchcock

“Warm Summer sun
Shine Kindly Here,
Warm Southern Wind,
Blow Softly Here.
Green Sod Above,
Lie Light, Lie Light--
Good Night, Dear Heart,
Good Night, Good Night.”
--excerpt from a poem written by Robert Richardson, titled ‘Annette’

"I could sail the waters of all the world, bitter and wild and blue and never find a friend to love like the friend I’ve found in you. I could walk down all the roads of the world and knock on the doors forever and never I’d find a friend like you, Never, Never, Never."
--attributed to a poem entitled “A Poem by My Brother Robert” and is an excerpt from The Book of Sunshine, published in Doolin County Claire, Ireland in 1977 by PRF Brown

"Do Believe I’ll Never Leave you, Always I’ll Be In Your Heart. Don’t Forget My Soul Is Near You And So We’ll Never Be Apart"
--poem “Do Believe I’ll Never Leave You” by Nicholas Gordon.

"Some People Come Into Our Lives And Quickly Go. Some People Move Our Souls To Dance. They Awaken Us To New Understanding With The Passing Whisper Of Their Wisdom. Some People Make The Sky More Beautiful To Gaze Upon. They Stay In Our Lives For Awhile, Leave Footprints On Our Hearts And We Are Never, Ever The Same. "
--modified quotation of the poem “Some People” by author Flavia Weedn from her book To Take Away The Hurt.

wow...n/t

i recently learned a lesson i didn't want to learn

and that is: sometimes it is just their time

my little dog decided one day (about 8 weeks ago) to stop eating and drinking.
well...!
tests at the vet the next day, trying her favorite foods, alternative foods, force feeding her baby food and water out of a little syringe (with no needle of course)...
a couple days later and we did more blood work, urine test, xrays...
she had a strong heart
(oh good, right?)
and she was getting weaker and weaker
one week and $1,000 later, for some unexplained reason, she just died.
omg!

it was as if she decided (for whatever reason) it was "her time" and i prolonged it for about a week by feeding her but she got her way and she died. and i still can't figure it out. and i still can't get over it. and i'm still devastated.

i just googled and found that the lhasa apso life span is 12-14 years. my baby was 13.5 years. but i wanted more. i suppose we always do.

i'm sorry you're going through this. i wish both of you well.

my advice: do what you can and whatever you feel is best.

i tried to look at it but turned it off

i lost my little friend just over seven weeks ago and i was sobbing for her off and on tonight. i'm still not over it. she was/is precious to me and my heart aches so terribly much for her. she was tremendously loved and loved me back. what more could i ask for? time...