December 8, 2013

rough night tonight

still is

going on six months since i lost my little furkid and i'm still not over her, still haven't cried enough (apparently)

maybe it's a combination of things in my life -- not sure, but it always comes back to these losses

seems the past six months my mourning for my mom took a dramatic shift when my little girl dog passed--every bit of grief was transferred to the new loss

tonight was the first time since 1974 where i wrapped christmas presents without a dog around. i wrap them on the living room floor and there is always the concern about them getting into something they shouldn't, stepping on the paper and ripping it, etc.

not tonight. first time in 39 years. and i realized this when i was wrapping. and strangely enough it didn't seem to bother me. i finished what i set out doing.

and then
i fell apart.
not because of the 39 year deal.
but because i miss her -- so much.

i was thinking how some people believe we come into this life to learn lessons, or to serve a purpose, help others, etc. and when we have completed what we initially set out to do (in our pre-life existence) then we leave this life.
well...if that's the case then why did my little friend, my companion, leave when she did? does that logic of pre-life planning apply to animals as well? or what changed in me or in my life that somehow gave the universe the okay to take her away?

she was getting old, but she could have had more time. and it's not like she was sick or anything. she just stopped eating. and for a week i tried to hold onto her, and i couldn't. i couldn't--i lost her anyway. why? what purpose did it serve for me to have to lose her when i did? and she loved me, she was my little shadow, she never would have chosen to leave me.

bad night tonight.

i sleep with her little fuzzy pink coat cuddled in my arms, by my face, against my heart. sometimes i sit with it on my lap and run my hand across it, over and over, feeling the softness of it, feeling the soft collar. and last night when i lifted it up from my lap a little bit and looked at it, suddenly it hit me--it's EMPTY!
it's empty, it's empty, it's empty...oh my god...!

sometimes we read/listen to/watch things that mirror our feelings, or (in this situation), our sadness, our grief. and tonight, during a major crying jag (that, hours later, hasn't fully subsided), i thought of this song (and except for the break with talking) it really mirrors the depths i've been in tonight. i put the dvd in, watched it (thought it might help to get it out of my system--it didn't).

so sad tonight.
here's the song: (only the version i watched was from a movie)

just feeling so damn low tonight...
lost
broken

December 6, 2013

what a beautiful little friend

you and romeo were so lucky to have each other.

the other day skittles posted:
"our pets - they take pieces of our hearts with them"
and they really do, don't they?

December 5, 2013

"they take pieces of our hearts with them"

my god--they absolutely do.

November 10, 2013

thanks for the update

the plumber and the sink strainer on windowsill is interesting. maybe you should ask him for a little help as soon as there is a problem. who knows? maybe you'll get the help you need if he still cares about all these sinks in the house. (lol!--wouldn't that be nice actually)

another interesting thing you said:
"I also sometimes have messages pop into my head as this project moves along. Sometimes these messages are in terms I would never use, but which one of my relatives might. "

i know EXACTLY what you mean. i get that with my mom A LOT. sadly not as frequently as the first two or three years, but it still happens. a lot.

November 5, 2013

my heart goes out to you

it's so hard to say farewell for now to someone we love
you had each other for so long...how wonderful is that.
but perhaps it makes this time all the harder.

i'm so sorry for your loss

October 28, 2013

mom -- i miss you still...

just hit a four year mark
when my world tragically changed
my life has never been the same
i have read that we choose our parents. if that is true i still grieve for my chosen one

i know i've posted the following elsewhere. now they are together.

"Your Mother is always with you. She’s the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street, she’s the smell of certain foods you remember, flowers you pick, the fragrance of life itself. She’s the cool hand on your brow when you’re not feeling well, she’s your breath in the air on a cold winter’s day. She is the sound of rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of a rainbow, she is Christmas morning.

"Your Mother lives inside your laughter, and she’s crystallized in every tear drop. She’s the place you came from, your first home, and she’s the map you follow with every step you take. She’s your first love, your first friend, even your first enemy, but nothing on earth can separate you. Not time, not space….not even death.
-----Author unknown

~~~~~~~~~~~

“When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”
--Kahlil Gibran, from The Prophet

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ROCK ME TO SLEEP by Elizabeth Akers Allen

"Backward, turn backward, O Time, in your flight,
Make me a child again just for to-night!
Mother, come back from the echoless shore,
Take me again to your heart as of yore;
Kiss from my forehead the furrows of care,
Smooth the few silver threads out of my hair;
Over my slumbers your loving watch keep;—
Rock me to sleep, mother,—rock me to sleep!

"Backward, flow backward, O tide of the years!
I am so weary of toil and of tears,—
Toil without recompense, tears all in vain,—
Take them, and give me my childhood again!
I have grown weary of dust and decay,—
Weary of flinging my soul-wealth away;
Weary of sowing for others to reap;—
Rock me to sleep, mother,—rock me to sleep!

"Tired of the hollow, the base, the untrue,
Mother, O mother, my heart calls for you!
Many a summer the grass has grown green,
Blossomed and faded, our faces between:
Yet, with strong yearning and passionate pain,
Long I to-night for your presence again.
Come from the silence so long and so deep;—
Rock me to sleep, mother,—rock me to sleep!

"Over my heart, in the days that are flown,
No love like mother-love ever has shone;
No other worship abides and endures,—
Faithful, unselfish, and patient like yours:
None like a mother can charm away pain
From the sick soul and the world-weary brain.
Slumber's soft calms o'er my heavy lids creep;—
Rock me to sleep, mother,—rock me to sleep!

"Come, let your brown hair, just lighted with gold,
Fall on your shoulders again as of old;
Let it drop over my forehead to-night,
Shading my faint eyes away from the light;
For with its sunny-edged shadows once more
Haply will throng the sweet visions of yore;
Lovingly, softly, its bright billows sweep;—
Rock me to sleep, mother,—rock me to sleep!

"Mother, dear mother, the years have been long
Since I last listened your lullaby song:
Sing, then, and unto my soul it shall seem
Womanhood's years have been only a dream.
Clasped to your heart in a loving embrace,
With your light lashes just sweeping my face,
Never hereafter to wake or to weep;—
Rock me to sleep, mother,—rock me to sleep!"

October 25, 2013

how wonderful you were able to be together for as long as you were

and i'm so sorry for your loss.

i lost my little furgirl early this summer. she was thirteen and came to live with me when she was ten. i knew her for a brief three and a half years and would have given anything to have had known her longer. my heart is still broken.



“When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”
--Kahlil Gibran, from The Prophet

October 24, 2013

my favorite smells

(some still are)

playdoh
the smell of a local bakery baking bread, onion stuffing, anything
paste
mimeographed paper
burning leaves (now illegal--some new people in the neighborhood have been doing it last year & this year)
box of crayons
the first time the heat is turned on for the season
my mom cooking anything: steak, turkey, meatloaf, chicken (i loved her cooking)
the christmas tree
my dad's clean starched shirts from the dry cleaners
gasoline
freshly mowed lawn
my mom's face cream
my grandma's closet with a mixture of all her perfumes on clothes
crazy foam (for bathtime)
juicy fruit gum, doublemint gum, bubble gum

October 24, 2013

is someone sleepwalking and doing this?

did you check your garden to see if any of the soil has been disturbed or dug up?

it's pretty weird
i'm a big believer in ghostie signs and messages (i've had countless ones from my mom since she passed--various types of signs)

have you lost anyone who would possibly be giving you some sort of message or sign with this--?

i know it sounds odd but my mom and i had a running joke about how she liked to clip her bills & mail together with a large silver paper clip and she only had a couple left. she'd give me her bills to mail and tell me to be sure i gave her that paper clip back to her. sometimes i'd tease her and tell her i accidentally mailed it. (oh no!) then i'd give it back to her, we'd laugh and make smart ass comments about it. it was one of those dumb little things that we kept ourselves amused with. when she died i started finding them in random places--not in the house but in places outside the house such as parking lots, sidewalks, floors of stores, on a stage, on a booth seat at a restaurant, or a chair, elevator, etc. i found quite a few the first two years, and even some the third year. maybe only one or two this last year.

i never noticed them anywhere before. pennies yes. occasional nickels and dimes yes. but big silver paper clips? um...no--not that i ever noticed. but when i'd ask her to give me a sign sometimes those paper clips would be the sign she was giving me. she kept the couple she had on the corner of her dresser. so when i started finding them i'd bring them home and put them on her dresser. there is quite a few there now. (not the plastic, colored ones, not the small silver ones--just the large ones. i'm gonna go count them....32! plus one large blue one--blue was her favorite color so i counted that one as a sign.)

anyway, my point is--people would think a rainbow could be a sign, or a bird on a windowsill, a butterfly, or a specific type of flower blooming maybe in cold weather, etc. (and i've had other types of signs as well) but who would ever think large silver paper clips would be a sign? (i would because it was, like i said, a running joke between me & her for several years.) so i'm wondering if what's happening with you could be some sort of sign from someone you knew.

just a thought to add to your mystery.

October 22, 2013

i recently found this

and wished i could have known about this when i lost my mom four years ago (this month)
i don't know who wrote it. my heart goes out to you.


Your Mother is always with you. She’s the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street, she’s the smell of certain foods you remember, flowers you pick, the fragrance of life itself. She’s the cool hand on your brow when you’re not feeling well, she’s your breath in the air on a cold winter’s day. She is the sound of rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of a rainbow, she is Christmas morning.

Your Mother lives inside your laughter, and she’s crystallized in every tear drop. She’s the place you came from, your first home, and she’s the map you follow with every step you take. She’s your first love, your first friend, even your first enemy, but nothing on earth can separate you. Not time, not space….not even death.
-----Author unknown