orleans
orleans's Journali just wrote the post above yours tuesday night
and this morning--thursday morning--A SIGN
walking through the living room--hit full on with the scent of my mom's perfume! omg! it's been a few months and how wonderful to pass through that again.
yes, those "little miracles" (i call them "signs") seem to happen far more
infrequently for me as well, as time goes on.
and i hate that. i want her to keep reassuring me, letting me know she's still near, or with me, or connected. i still talk to her and tell her to give me a sign but mostly she doesn't anymore. i get angry--it's not fair that she knows i'm still here but i don't know she is, or so i reason... "fair is fair" i want to remind her--one of her expressions.
occasionally i will still hear her voice in my head--sometimes at random moments--and unexpectedly, and that seems to help me feel closer to her.
one of the most recent occurrences happened when i was crying and was interrupted by her saying "get over it" (another one of her expressions) which was the first time i was given a "hint" (she wasn't exactly the most subtle) that perhaps she finds my prolonged grief a bit exasperating. or tiresome. or she feels i should be stronger than i am at this point. i don't know.
my loss is my mom and it's been a little over three years and i so desperately miss my old life with her--so desperately miss her. we were extremely close, we lived together forever, she was my best friend. and in spite of her apparent silence lately i know she is still with me, hears me, knows what i'm going through. i know this because she loved me (more than anyone else in the world) and that energy of love is what keeps her energy connected to me. (still, the occasional smell of her perfume, or finding a certain trinket on the sidewalk that was one of our running jokes, or having a light flash, or the knocking sound on her bedroom wall--a reassurance/a "proof" that she is still here would be nice. i'll ask her for a sign for christmas. maybe then...)
"...a queer christmas classic!"
"this touching and clever carol is sure to be a christmas classic!"
--mike wood, instinct magazine
"Recounted from a gay sensibility with heart, comedy and music, the magic of Dickens’ timeless tale comes alive from a fresh perspective that will appeal to audiences of all persuasions."
the website: http://www.scroogeandmarleymovie.com/Scrooge_%26_Marley/HOME.html
jason gould, barbra streisand's son, sings the film's theme 'amazing,' over end credits
the chicago premire was tonight at the music box theater. other dates & locations here:
http://www.scroogeandmarleymovie.com/Scrooge_%26_Marley/SCREENINGS.html
the movie is narrated by 'who's the boss' judith light and stars david pevsner, tim kazurinsky, bruce vilanch, rusty schwimmer.
with scenes that are heartwarming, heartbreaking, LOL worthy, and retro enough to make you think: "oh, god! i remember that!" this lovely version of the familiar tale reminds us what matters most in all our lives--(christmas? uh, yeah, sure, but more importantly)--love; it's always been about love. because, at the end of the journey, that's all that really matters.
i don't know about this bacteria business...
and the long, deep negativity certainly doesn't take place over the course of just a few lifetimes. and i think if & when such a thing happens it is an extreme rarity. overall, generally speaking, and assuming things go as planned (with guides and other members of our soul groups), i would say souls are definitely immortal.
"10 Meditations to ponder"
from the website
http://flipsidethefilm.com/
"Here are ten meditations that have come from spirit guides during deep hypnosis sessions.
"1. Go with the Flow.
2. Start experiencing life in the moment.
3. Accept and Forgive everything that comes to you.
4. Focus on Love and Joy.
5. Get in touch with your Guides.
6. Let Go - stop resisting, realize we are not in control, expand internally. (Let go of fear, anger, resentment)
7. Notice what connects you to others; not what separates you.
8. Focus on acts of kindness without wanting anything in return.
9. Destroy vanity in all its forms. (Money, fame, looks)
10. Stop judging others. Love your neighbor as yourself because they are yourself."
sounds like good advice. thought i'd share it.
life between lives
on the spirit world:
"Our physical universe appears to coexist with other physical and mental dimensions. These alternative dimensions of consciousness may be layered within our own physical space, parallel to our space, or linked by unknown designs around our dimensions."
"The spirit world is characterized by the forces of creative energy, universal thought, and support for spiritual enlightenment designed for the apparent purpose of training and growth in all Souls' evolution toward perfection. At the same time the spirit world offers a space of quiet contemplation and reflection between lives."
on souls:
"Each soul has a unique immortal character. When joined with the human brain this character is melded with the emotional temperament, or human ego, of that brain to produce one personality for one lifetime."
"Souls appear to be members of specific spirit cluster groups to whom they have been assigned since their creation. The teachers of each group are the personal spirit guides of members of that group. Members of these groups reincarnate with the soul and assume meaningful roles during a soul's life on earth."
http://www.spiritualregression.org/page.php?slug=the-spiritual-world
the above is from michael newton's website, and his newton institute for life between lives hypotherapy
just thought some might find this interesting.
"a moment of silence for absent friends"
was a thread in the lounge on election night, listing those who have come and gone from du through the years.
http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=1018&pid=229406
i posted in that thread and today i read my post to my daughter, choking up as my voice faltered, tears filling my eyes. and when i looked up at her--the young woman who has been so strong and helped me so tremendously during my dark three year night of the soul, she had lost her "brave front" that she puts up for me in order to counteract my downturns, and was obviously pained as tears flowed down her face.
"it's just so sad," she said.
i agree.
it's just so sad.
this afternoon i checked my posts and saw that kesha was suggesting i repost it here. so...
as always,
--a moment of silence...to absent friends...
"and my mom. she never signed up and she never went on the computer, but i'd read her the threads on du--and we watched the election results together four years ago. sometimes she'd sit down at the computer with me and i'd show her the photography threads and have her pick her favorites and vote her pick on them.
my mom--who never learned to do anything on the computer but who was just as caught up in the bbv crap as i was, who gave me some money to add with my own for andy's hospital bill, my mom who got such a kick out of some of the posts i'd read to her.
my mom--who no one here knew, but who knew of those here, and would often ask me "what does anybody on du have to say about it?" or "go check and see what anyone else is saying on du" when we would talk about politics which was a huge part of our life, conversations, etc.
my mom--who passed on three years ago and my passion for politics was no more, as was my passion for music; my passion for everything seemed to vanish because my loss was so great and all we had loved and shared together became so empty without her.
my mom--whose voice i heard in my head a couple weeks ago when i thought i probably wouldn't even vote (for the first time in my life) because i'm still in such a bad place, saying to me: "oh no you don't. you get out there and vote just like you always did. i don't want you blaming me for not voting." clear as a bell i heard that. and i laughed. and today i voted. and tonight, as i walked down the hallway and into the living room i was suddenly, for the moment, engulfed in her perfume/scent. and i know she's sitting in her chair, watching the election results just we did four years ago.
yes, a moment of silence for absent friends. and she was my best friend. and as obama begins his speech, i know she's smiling. so i think i'll go in the living room and watch it with her. "
and i did.
and my mom. she never signed up and she never went on
the computer, but i'd read her the threads on du--and we watched the election results together four years ago. sometimes she'd sit down at the computer with me and i'd show her the photography threads and have her pick her favorites and vote her pick on them.
my mom--who never learned to do anything on the computer but who was just as caught up in the bbv crap as i was, who gave me some money to add with my own for andy's hospital bill, my mom who got such a kick out of some of the posts i'd read to her.
my mom--who no one here knew, but who knew of those here, and would often ask me "what does anybody on du have to say about it?" or "go check and see what anyone else is saying on du" when we would talk about politics which was a huge part of our life, conversations, etc.
my mom--who passed on three years ago and my passion for politics was no more, as was my passion for music; my passion for everything seemed to vanish because my loss was so great and all we had loved and shared together became so empty without her.
my mom--whose voice i heard in my head a couple weeks ago when i thought i probably wouldn't even vote (for the first time in my life) because i'm still in such a bad place, saying to me: "oh no you don't. you get out there and vote just like you always did. i don't want you blaming me for not voting." clear as a bell i heard that. and i laughed. and today i voted. and tonight, as i walked down the hallway and into the living room i was suddenly, for the moment, engulfed in her perfume/scent. and i know she's sitting in her chair, watching the election results just we did four years ago.
yes, a moment of silence for absent friends. and she was my best friend. and as obama begins his speech, i know she's smiling. so i think i'll go in the living room and watch it with her.
i recently went through the third yr anniversary of my mom's passing
it was a horrible, horrible month for me. i know i have come a very long way these past three years but generally i am still an emotional mess. i don't cry every day anymore and i think during these 3 years i actually went for a week or two without crying. but it still hits me about every other day. and the crying jags i get into are just agony--they came on a lot this last month as i went mentally spinning, going over so many what-ifs. i talk to my mom a lot and can "hear" in my head what she would tell me (or is telling me), and i ask her for signs to show me she is still with me. the nice thing is that i get these signs/responses from her. still...i so tremendously miss our life together the way it was. i so very much want things back the way they were...
sometimes the longing we have for those we love and the times we've shared is overwhelming.
i'm so sorry about what happened with your mom at the end--it's just not right when things like that happen, families aren't informed, oversights are made, etc.
i was recently telling someone how every night when i take my dog out in the yard for the last time before bed i look up at the moon and think about my mom. and this young girl, maybe around 7 or 8 years old, who was there asked me: "did your mom die?"
i said yes.
"talk to her. she can still hear you. she's still with you and she listens to you. talk to her."
"i do talk to her," i admitted.
"because she loves you. she's always with you and you can always talk to her. she's your mom and she loves you. she's never going to leave you. she's still with you."
i nodded and said, "yes, i believe she still is."
i just wanted to pass that on to you. i believe that beautiful little girl would have told you the same thing.
thanks kesha
hope you're doing well.
i'm coming up on a three year anniversary of my mother's passing--going through a lot of mental head spinning, tormenting myself with the "what ifs" and doing the "three years ago today" routine.
it's so hard--it's so hard--it's so hard!
almost surreal to think she's been "gone" this long and that i have existed without her physical presence in my life--i wonder how i have managed to get by. i never thought i would last this long.
i never realized i was capable of loving someone so much. how wonderful to know she was loved so much. even so... my heart is still broken, my life forever changed, and i want --so much-- for everything to go back to "normal." i'll never have it again. i miss my old life.
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