Mira
Mira's Journal
Rick Perry: “Time to Pass Mantle to New Generation of Boneheads” - Borowitz reports
SAN ANTONIO (The Borowitz Report)—Texas Gov. Rick Perry announced yesterday that he would not seek reëlection, telling supporters, “The time has come to pass the mantle of leadership to a new generation of boneheads.”
“I’ve had a good run,” he said. “But after twelve years, someone else who isn’t playing with a full deck should take a turn at the wheel.”
Reflecting on his twelve years as governor, Mr. Perry said that he had “no regrets” except for being incoherent the entire time.
Before leaving office, Gov. Perry said that he would propose three signature bills “just to let future Texans know how Rick Perry marked his territory.”
The first bill would require all voters in the state to have an I.D. with a photo of a white person; the second would force anyone filibustering an anti-abortion bill to ride a mechanical bull; and the third he could not remember.
www.borowitzreport.com
Judas Asparagus / from the Children's Bible in a Nutshell
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. Here is what was written:
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.
Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David… He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.
Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
Christensen: McCrory wanted to rebrand NC; the legislature is doing it for him
By Rob Christenson
A man walks alongside the the big state seal that is at the entrance to the Legislative Building in Raleigh, NC on Jan. 23, 2013. Although it was quiet on this day, soon downtown Raleigh will be busy with Legislators, staff, lobbyists, protestors, media crews and others when the new legislative session starts on Wednesday, Jan. 30, 2013.
North Carolina’s national brand may be changing – but not the way Gov. Pat McCrory intended when he talked during his campaign about the Tar Heel state undergoing an image makeover.
“North Carolina’s economic development brand is currently being diminished by high taxes, excessive regulation and broken state government,” was McCrory’s standard campaign line.
There was the suggestion of perhaps a new advertising slogan. The new brand that McCrory seems to want is that North Carolina is more business-friendly.
But since he took office in January, the state has been undergoing a brand change of a very different kind.
The sharp rightward turn of the legislature and the Moral Monday protests have turned North Carolina into one of the nation’s top political spectacles.
CBS News, Fox News, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, The Los Angeles Times, MSNBC and The New York Times have all beaten a path to Raleigh to gawk.
The national coverage is worth millions of dollars of publicity. Unfortunately for North Carolina, it may also be the wrong kind of publicity.
Read more here: http://www.newsobserver.com/2013/07/06/3013805/mccrory-wanted-to-rebrand-nc-the.html#storylink=cpy
Interesting idea - legal correlation to curbing abortion access.
As far as I see it that goes as a fine idea for North Carolina as well, and I'm thinking of telling women around me that anyone who has sex with a Republican male should have her head probed.
Paula Dean subject of Satire
Paula Deen Blames ‘the Jews’ For Firing
Jun 28, 2013
Celebrity chef Paula Deen, embroiled in controversy this week over allegations of racism, added two cups of gasoline to the fire this morning when she blamed her troubles on Jewish people.
Deen, 66, was a guest of morning host Dave Garver on Atlanta radio station WTMI when she claimed “Jew executives” deliberately abandoned her in the wake of the controversy, which stemmed from a discrimination lawsuit filed by a former employee against her company.
The Georgia-born Southern-cooking maven is doing damage control in the media after admitting that she had used racial epithets in the past and had once planned a slavery-themed wedding. The ensuing backlash has led to Food Network dropping her show and several sponsors cutting ties.
When Garver asked Deen if she expected to return to the Food Network or to another network once the controversy died down, Deen said, “I don’t know, Dave. The whole situation is very stressful and very upsetting to me.
“I hosted one of the Food Network’s most popular shows. We had great ratings, great cookbooks, the fans loved me. But as soon as this N-word thing came up, the greedy Jew executives at the Food Network dropped me faster than a baked potato on a summer day.”
A shocked Garver responded: “I’m sorry, but did you say greedy Jew executives?”
“Yes I did, Dave,” Deen responded. “I made those Jews all this money and they still stabbed me in the back. As soon as it looked like their profits would be affected, they told me I was no longer needed. That’s Jew loyalty for ya'll.”
for the rest, if you can stomach it:
http://dailycurrant.com/2013/06/28/paula-deen-blames-the-jews-for-firing/
BOOYAH! Morgan Freeman Says What Everyone Is Too Embarrassed To Say About Our History.
I needed this refresher course in U.S. history. At 4:33, lotsa celebrities help me remember why we celebrate the Fouth of July.
And, yes. That is Mel Gibson. I know. It’s ironic that he’s the first to speak up right after Morgan Freeman mentions civil rights movements. Moving right along...
http://www.upworthy.com/you-saw-him-in-shawshank-you-saw-him-play-god-now-watch-him-do-the-declaration-of-independence?c=upw1
12 Phrases Progressives Need To Ditch (And What We Can Say Instead)
Author: Elisabeth Parker
If we want people to think well of our progressive agenda, then we need to use our own words. (See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil)
(1). Big Business: (Also referred to as: Corporate America; Multinationals; Corporate Interests) When we use any of these words, we automatically sound pie-in-the-sky liberal. People think, “what’s wrong with that?” After all, they’d like their own businesses to get “big” and have no negative associations with the words “corporate” or “multinational” — which actually sound kind of exciting and worldly. Instead, try: Unelected Government. This puts them in their proper context as unelected entities with unprecedented powers, whose actions have immense impact on our lives, and which we are powerless to hold accountable.
(2). Entitlements: I keep hearing reporters from National Public Radio and other liberal news outlets use the word “entitlements” and it makes me froth at the mouth. They’re not “entitlements” — which sounds like something a bunch of spoiled, lazy, undeserving people irrationally think they should get for nothing. Instead, try: Earned Benefits. This term not only sounds better for the progressive cause, it’s also more accurate. Programs like Social Security, Medicare, and Unemployment are all forms of insurance that we pay into all of our working lives — via a percentage of our income — and then collect from when the time comes.
(3). Free Market Capitalism: (Also referred to as: Capitalism, Free Markets, and Supply-Side Economics) Like “Fascism” and “Communism,” “Free Market Capitalism” is a 20th-century utopian ideal that has amply been proven an unworkable failure, and damaging to society. Instead, try: Socialized Risk, Privatized Profits. This best describes the dramatically failed experiment in unfettered capitalism, as practiced in the late 20th century and early aughts.
Read 9 more:
http://www.addictinginfo.org/2013/02/24/10-phrases-progressives-need-to-ditch/#ixzz2XvCdVJHi
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