May 19, 2019

Restrictions on birth control and abortion could kill me.

I've posted about this before in 2013 within the pro-choice group but I think it bears repeating in a time like this. I'm going to break-down the medical lingo as much as possible. I don't really care if this makes you uncomfortable. This is how birth control and abortion is healthcare.

I have endometriosis. That is where the lining of the uterus grows in other parts of my body. When I get my period, it bleeds in places other than in my uterus. It creates scar tissue. I found out I had endometriosis when I had a 6 centimeter cyst on my left ovary. It was a complication of endometriosis. I was in pain from endometriosis for years at that point. But this pain was unbearable and called for immediate attention. My gynecologist went into surgery thinking he simply had to remove the cyst. He went into damage control mode. Endometriosis does not show up on ultrasounds, only the cyst did. He removed as much scar tissue as he could. He left the damage around my rectum because he didn't want me to have a colostomy bag. My uterus was untouched by the endometriosis. He could not find my right ovary, only a sickly looking fallopian tube. My left ovary didn't look viable (possibly no eggs,) and it was stuck to the abdomen wall by scar tissue. Because of this he didn't remove the cyst because damaging my only ovary would mean I would have no chance of having children. The fallopian tube was also wrapped around my left ovary. The weight of the ovarian cyst was so great, it flipped my fallopian tube around the ovary. That was the pain I felt that warranted immediate attention, who knows how long I lived with the cyst.

When I was out of surgery, my husband and mom gently told me the news. They explained I might never be able to have children. I was 21 years old and I ran out of the room in shock before I even heard all of it. You grow up with the notion that you have all the working parts that everyone else has. You expect to be the same.

I have to take birth control every single day to stop my periods, to stop pain. To stop it from spreading and getting worse. On a birth control pack there is a week of different colored pills, those are vitamins. I have to skip over that line and go to another pack. My periods were so painful I couldn't move from my bed for days, and I threw up often. Once a month. I am not upset that I don't have periods anymore, I think of it as a silver lining of having this medical condition. I still feel pain once and awhile from the ovary being stuck to the abdomen wall but I just have to do pain management. I don't have surgery to fix the problems scar tissue continues to make, because surgery causes more scar tissue.

For regular endometriosis pain (probably the cyst,) I was balled up, writhing in pain multiple times as a teenager, begging my parents to go to the hospital from all this, and I couldn't afford to go to the hospital at the time. I didn't even have insurance when I was experiencing endometriosis pain before. My mom had cancer and all the money went towards her COBRA. I couldn't go to the hospital for problems I was having until I married my husband at age 20 and got on his insurance. I mention this because if I had insurance during the time my mom had cancer, I probably wouldn't have a fallopian tube wrapped around my ovary and this story would be different. The healthcare system failed me. It failed my family especially when we went bankrupt over my mom's cancer. Later when my husband was out of work, I was denied to be on my husband's plan when we were trying to get insurance on the open market (instead of under Obama care, which was new and more expensive) because of this surgery for the ovarian cyst, I was flat out rejected and had to go on my dad's insurance.

What could possibly cause me to die? We don't know if my ovary is viable or not, but the fallopian tube being wrapped around means that I am more at risk of an ectopic pregnancy if I ever do get pregnant. That means the fertilized egg is likely to get attached in the fallopian tube instead of in the womb. Which is a complete time bomb. You can't replant it back into the womb, and the zygote will grow until it kills me unless I get an abortion. As for birth control, if it is removed from the market, each period I have will slowly destroy me, it could spread to my uterus and destroy it where I would absolutely have no chance of having children in the future and can spread to other organs in the pelvic area. Not to mention I am more likely to have an ectopic pregnancy without birth control because I would be ovulating again. If I have any eggs they'll tumble down and possibly get fertilized because I'm a married adult that has sex... I won't be shamed of that. I'm 30 years old, I would actually love to become a mother if a fertilized egg got implanted in the womb, a child would be wanted. However I am not devastated if I can't have children either. I'm not going to try in vitro fertilization, even if that would be the only way to have kids biologically. I think there's this stereotype of the devastated woman who wails about not being able to have kids, and that's just not me. Other health professionals basically encourage me to try to have kids naturally for about a year before getting help, and that is WITH the risk of ectopic pregnancy and the risk of endometriosis getting worse. I feel like that is gambling too much with my life. I'm not that desperate.

Naturally, I get worried when I hear anti-birth control rhetoric and when people talk about Roe. V. Wade being overturned. In a nice world, I could keep this stuff private. But we live in a world where people think I should die from an ectopic pregnancy if it means saving all the other zygotes in the world. I feel that I have to speak up.

April 21, 2019

I was manipulated by the Russians, and we must assume everyone was.

After reading the Mueller report it's clear that Hillary and Bernie supporters were pitted against each other on purpose in 2016 in order to elect Trump and we need to recognize this. After the 2016 elections I deleted my Facebook account and limited my social media to creating book reviews on Instagram. I'm wary to be on the internet in a political context and my trust in online news sources started on this very website. I think everyone should be on high alert while being on the internet in a political context because there is no stopping the Russians from manipulating again in 2020. I'm hoping 2016 was a vaccine and we know what to do and what to look for, but we're at risk of it being a true illness that we can't shake off.

These are rules that I personally go by now:

1. SLOW DOWN to fact check. The information age gives you 20 facts a day but the other 19 facts can wait their turn. Categorize by importance first. If there is an original source, read that.
2. Avoid and don't trust political internet memes altogether. Same with short YouTube videos since those can give false context. Only trust full unedited videos.
3. Go to candidates websites for their platforms, do not let others tell you what they are. Try to establish voting records yourself, don't let others tell you what they are.
4. Support Journalists. Buy and read your news offline.
6. Don't limit who you talk to, break bubbles. With the exception of if you feel unsafe doing so.
7. But most importantly slow down. You do not have to know 5 new things before breakfast!

I hope others have made their own precautions since the 2016 election as well. We must look at how we want the same things.

Edit: okay if you don't want to be open to the possibility that you were manipulated, go at it. But that leaves you open to thinking you can't ever be manipulated. Please take precautions regardless.

April 21, 2019

I'm counting The Mueller Report as a book.

Who's with me?

April 21, 2019

My impressions of volume 1 of the Mueller report.

Note: I am a regular citizen who hasn't kept up with much of anything of the Russia investigation (besides what my very political family has happened to mention to me,) this is not an expert analysis and my brain hurts from reading so much in so little time. I feel like I know enough to explain my impressions though. I would have started reading it the day it came out, but I didn't actually think it was released to the public for some reason? Yesterday I got to page 92. I've read 115 pages today. The second volume that deals with obstruction of justice starts on page 208. I'll start on that tomorrow.

First thought: What the fuck is HOM? *looks on google* Great, nothing. That is one of the redactions that is used, did figure out that means Harm to Ongoing Matter but it took me awhile to connect it for some reason. The main three redactions used to cover up are HOM, Investigation technique and Grand Jury.

It begins by explaining that collusion isn't actually a crime, the crime that Mueller was investigating for was Conspiracy. Conspiracy is where you have to find two parties agreeing. That was not found? Well, there wasn't enough to convict anyone of it, put it that way. Except possibly Trump Jr. but he's a moron that wasn't the main person who would have created the conspiracy. I also wrote down from that part, "A statement that the investigation did not establish facts does not mean there was no evidence of these facts." From page 10. Dunno, seemed important.

When the dialog truly starts, it explains what Russia actually did. It's supposed to start on page 19, but so much is redacted, you might as well start on page 33. I think how much the Russians involved themselves with social media was known, but I don't think the full extension of what they did has been laid out like this. The social media front seems on a grander scale, and the hacking into Hillary Clinton's campaign was a lot more than I initially thought they hacked into. The main take-away is that Russia was eager to do as much as possible to get Trump elected and to smear Hillary and went to great lengths to contact the Trump campaign. But they went into so many different sectors of the U.S. Black lives matters, check. LGBT, check. Tea Partiers, check. You might as well say they were in every part of the online community manipulating. No mention of Jill Stein. One mention of Bernie on page 53, "WikiLeaks also explained, 'we think trump has only a 25% chance of winning against hillary ... so conflict between bernie and hillary is interesting.'" I feel like the part on page 182-3 sums it up a little by the extent of Russia's crimes with what laws were broken and what they charged the Russians. After those pages they redact SO much.

Then it gets down to business and starts into any connections between the Trump campaign and the Russian Government. There's a lot of lying about having connections, a lot of, "I cannot recalls" when meeting with Russians and explains how evidence was destroyed or encrypted. There was some gibberish because of the redactions, but I feel like a lot was surprisingly intact. What stuck out to me most was page 137 about Manafort giving over insider campaign polling data to a Russian contact and how the FBI had problems figuring out all he did with deletions and encrypted information. Sure, on page 110 Trump Jr. was eager to get in contact with the Russians, but it shows how that effort fizzled out as far as they could determine. In one of the footnotes there was also a video of Trump asking Russia to look (hack) into Hillary's emails and how they fulfilled his request.

It was the only reference to a youtube video. Then on page 172 the Trump administration was "seeking a secret channel" to the Russian government, a communication loop that others couldn't see.

On page 190 it does go further into the charges against Paul Manafort and Richard gates and further into Flynn charges. Why Trump Jr wasn't charged. (page 193-4) and it goes into what is law, a lot. Which to me is gibberish, partially because at that point of the report I'm just tired and not a lawyer. On page 200 they explain the charges on Papadopoulos but goes on to say that he tried to get in contact with high Russian officials to arrange a possible foreign policy trip and he made a lot of false statements about it to the FBI. Page 202 discusses Flynn's charges, 203 discusses Cohen's charges. Jeff Sessions is on page 205. I point these out because they seem pretty important to look at.

I probably missed some stuff. I just wanted to know what was actually said in the report so that I can filter through the bullshit analysis and insightful analysis so that I could further understand what I read. I end with what was said on page 181.

In sum, the investigation established multiple links between Trump Campaign officials and
individuals tied to the Russian government. Those links included Russian offers of assistance to
the Campaign. In some instances , the Campaign was receptive to the offer, while in other instances
the Campaign officials shied away. Ultimately , the investigation did not establish that the
Campaign coordinated or conspired with the Russian government in its election-interference
activities.

March 23, 2019

Hey, question from a white person.

I had an interesting argument with a black man on Instagram that doesn't view white people as fully human. I kept trying to chip away at it with no success. He kept using the phrase, "we don't need a white savior." From my understanding the white savior thing is a movie stereotype that shows a white fantasy of saving all the black people during the Jim Crow era when it didn't actually happen, and it gives the impression that black people were passive in their own history. Is there more to it, and why is it being used to discourage white people from saying they're going to try to dismantle white supremacy from within?

I am not opposed to the thought that this guy could have been a white supremacist pretending to be a black guy on Instagram. Totally plausible, honestly the whole conversation could be used as propaganda for them. My question is also: is this seriously a thing?

March 12, 2019

Neoma's Nonfiction Recommendations.

Haven't been around much because I've been averaging 15 books a month. These are books that I end up recommending a lot.

Are you ready to rumble!

Endurance by Alfred Lansing
A Primate's memoir by Robert Sapolsky
Stiff by Mary Roach
The Men who stare at Goats by Jon Ronson
The Children of Henry VIII by Alison Weir
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Pirsig
The Glass Castle by Jennette Walls
Letters and notes on the North American Indians by George Caitlin
Blink by Malcom Gladwell
Banana by Dan Koeppel
Buyology by Martin Lindstrom
China Underground by Zachary Mexico
Favorite Wife by Susan Schmidt
Switching Time by Richard Baer
The Worst Hard Time by Timothy Egan
A Rip in Heaven by Jeanine Cummins
Red-tails in Love by Marie Winn
D-Day by Anthony Beevor
Swimming to Antartica by Lynne Cox
Child Star by Shirley Temple Black
Warlord by Carlos D'este
Zeitoun by Dave Eggers
Escape from Camp 14 by Blaine Harden
Kill Anything that Moves by Nick Turse
The Devil in the White City by Erik Larsonin
Destiny Disrupted by Tamim Ansary
Between a Rock and a Hard Place by Aron Ralston
Wesley the Owl by Stacey O'Brien
The Man Who Loved Books Too Much by Allison Bartlett
The Ballad of the Whiskey Robber by Julian Rubinstein
Confessions of a Tax Collector by Richard Yancey
First they Killed my Father by Loung Ung
Asleep by Molly Caldwell Crosby
A Walk in the Woods by Bill Bryson
Assata An Autobiography by Assata Shakur
Defying Hitler by Sebastian Haffner
Being Mortal by Atul Gawande
The Barefoot Bandit by Bob Friel
Born a Crime by Trevor Noah
The Road to Jonestown by Jeff Guinn
When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi
Hunger by Roxane Gay
The Color of Law by Richard Rothstein
Radium Girls by Kate Moore
Rising Out of Hatred by Eli Saslow
I Am Malala by Malala Yousafzai
Evicted by Matthew Desmond
Dear America by Jose Vargas
Why I'm No Longer Talking To White People About Race by Reni Eddo-Lodge
The Midwife by Jennifer Worth
Concussion by Jeanne Laskas
Missoula by Jon Krakauer