I am so very very sorry for your loss, KentuckyWoman.Your intuition about the surgery might be right

I know my mother had a personality change from what may have been unnecessary bypass surgery when she was about 80. (She passed away at 82.) Other people saw it -- it was directly after the surgery. She and I had been at odds for years (not politics) and that worsened, which was bad enough. She became completely unreasonable to others. She also became paranoid and alienated some dear friends of hers that I had to console at her memorial service.

During the period after Mom's surgery my sister and I stumbled on an article in a medical journal, and I had a talk with an old friend of mine who worked in the sales side of the medical industry. Mom probably shouldn't have had the surgery, but since Medicare pays hospitals and doctors for the whole thing without question, why, it has become very common for very old people.

As for my friend, a quite bright professional who reads medical journals himself, there's this bit of info: while your blood does get filtered while you are under the knife, it is being filtered by a machine, which leaves something called microthrombi circulating in the blood. That's right: microscopic thromboses, which can cause microscopic but real damage to the brain. Not always, certainly, but enough that it is a known potential side effect of the surgery.

You are having a worse time of it because your brother is so much younger and you were so much closer. I don't know what to tell you, except to trust your intuitions and your observations about the wreck of this once rational and loving personality. Your grief is real and justified. I could suggest counseling, if you want to try that. Prayer, if you are a praying person. I clung to this Buddhist meditation as my family fell apart over Mom, and it helped, as you start with yourself and move outward to named persons, and then to all beings.

May I be peaceful
May I be happy
May I be safe
May I awaken to the light of my true nature
May I be free from suffering

May all beings be peaceful
May all beings be happy
May all beings be safe
May all beings awaken to the light of their true nature
May all beings be free from suffering

Someone may be along to post the long version, but this is the short version engraved on my bracelet, quick and available.

May you find peace.