Zorro
Zorro's JournalMan Regrets Eating What He Thought Was A Peep
TOLEDO, OH—Expressing revulsion after wolfing down the “nasty-ass treat,” local man Kurt Nelson told reporters Monday that he regretted eating what he thought was a Peep.
“It seemed warm and gooey at first, but then I started to notice the gross crunchy bits,” said Nelson, explaining that his stomach ached badly after eating over a dozen of the imposter Peeps.
“Now I feel stupid for trying to stick four in my mouth at the same time. But to be honest, I’m just annoyed that I wasted calories on these. I guess it might be fun to put the rest in the microwave to watch them balloon up and explode.”
At press time, sources confirmed Nelson sampled a real Peep and immediately went back to eating live chicks.
https://www.theonion.com/man-regrets-eating-what-he-thought-was-a-peep-1850308389
Trump Releases 'God Bless The USA' Quran
DEARBORN, MI—In an effort to raise money to cover his mounting legal bills, former President Donald Trump announced at a campaign event Friday that he was selling the central religious text of Islam in a special new edition called the “God Bless The USA” Quran.
“It’s a very holy book—really the holiest of all the Qurans you can buy—and it’s time for America to bring back the word of God as revealed to the Prophet Muhammad,” said Trump, who promoted his version of the scripture sacred to Muslims by standing in the minaret of a mosque and stating through a loudspeaker that the $60 book was the only Quran inspired by country singer-songwriter Lee Greenwood’s signature hit.
“No other Quran is officially endorsed by Trump, so get yours while you can. Order now, and you’ll also receive a complimentary Trump 2024 prayer rug, inshallah.”
The former president added that he would also soon begin offering “God Bless The USA” Torahs, Vedas, Confucian Analects, and Tao Te Chings.
https://www.theonion.com/trump-releases-god-bless-the-usa-quran-1851374740
What Trump Meant By There Would Be A 'Bloodbath' If He Loses
Presidential candidate Donald Trump recently remarked that if he loses the 2024 election it will “be a bloodbath for the country.” The Onion examines what he might have meant by the statement.
https://www.theonion.com/what-trump-meant-by-there-would-be-a-bloodbath-if-he-1851346115
What Deathbed Visions Teach Us About Living
Chris Kerr was 12 when he first observed a deathbed vision. His memory of that summer in 1974 is blurred, but not the sense of mystery he felt at the bedside of his dying father. Throughout Kerr’s childhood in Toronto, his father, a surgeon, was too busy to spend much time with his son, except for an annual fishing trip they took, just the two of them, to the Canadian wilderness. Gaunt and weakened by cancer at 42, his father reached for the buttons on Kerr’s shirt, fiddled with them and said something about getting ready to catch the plane to their cabin in the woods. “I knew intuitively, I knew wherever he was, must be a good place because we were going fishing,” Kerr told me.
As he moved to touch his father, Kerr felt a hand on his shoulder. A priest had followed him into the hospital room and was now leading him away, telling him his father was delusional. Kerr’s father died early the next morning. Kerr now calls what he witnessed an end-of-life vision. His father wasn’t delusional, he believes. His mind was taking him to a time and place where he and his son could be together, in the wilds of northern Canada. And the priest, he feels, made a mistake, one that many other caregivers make, of dismissing the moment as a break with reality, as something from which the boy required protection.
It would be more than 40 years before Kerr felt compelled to speak about that evening in the hospital room. He had followed his father, and three generations before him, into medicine and was working at Hospice & Palliative Care Buffalo, where he was the chief medical officer and conducted research on end-of-life visions. It wasn’t until he gave a TEDx Talk in 2015 that he shared the story of his father’s death. Pacing the stage in the sport coat he always wears, he told the audience: “My point here is, I didn’t choose this topic of dying. I feel it has chosen or followed me.” He went on: “When I was present at the bedside of the dying, I was confronted by what I had seen and tried so hard to forget from my childhood. I saw dying patients reaching and calling out to mothers, and to fathers, and to children, many of whom hadn’t been seen for many years. But what was remarkable was so many of them looked at peace.”
The talk received millions of views and thousands of comments, many from nurses grateful that someone in the medical field validated what they have long understood. Others, too, posted personal stories of having witnessed loved ones’ visions in their final days. For them, Kerr’s message was a kind of confirmation of something they instinctively knew — that deathbed visions are real, can provide comfort, even heal past trauma. That they can, in some cases, feel transcendent. That our minds are capable of conjuring images that help us, at the end, make sense of our lives.
https://www.nytimes.com/2024/03/12/magazine/deathbed-visions-research.html?unlocked_article_code=1.cU0.s8J4.08sQ_xIu4IPi&smid=url-share
McConnell endorses Trump after years of acrimony between the two men
Source: Washington Post
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) endorsed Donald Trump for president on Wednesday after years of acrimony between the two men, cementing Trump’s continued hold on the Republican Party.
“It is abundantly clear that former President Trump has earned the requisite support of Republican voters to be our nominee for President of the United States,” McConnell said in a statement to The Washington Post. “It should come as no surprise that as nominee, he will have my support. During his presidency, we worked together to accomplish great things for the American people including tax reform that supercharged our economy and a generational change of our federal judiciary — most importantly, the Supreme Court. I look forward to the opportunity of switching from playing defense against the terrible policies the Biden administration has pursued to a sustained offense geared towards making a real difference in improving the lives of the American people.”
McConnell — who has announced he will step down from his leadership role in November — is one of the most influential Washington Republican to back Trump, and the endorsement was a remarkable if expected move from the Kentucky Republican. He has held out in recent weeks as other Republicans have lined up to back Trump, including many who wanted a different nominee, and his endorsement means almost every powerful cog in the Republican apparatus is directly behind the former president.
The endorsement also comes as former U.N. ambassador Nikki Haley announced Wednesday morning she was suspending her campaign, leaving Trump with no major opponents left.
Read more: https://wapo.st/48DwuX3
Trump Scared To Check Credit Score
PALM BEACH, FL—Repeatedly opening and closing the browser window for his bank’s website, former President Donald Trump told reporters Monday that he was scared to check his credit score.
“I can’t do it—I just can’t do it,” said Trump, who admitted that he hadn’t paid off his credit card in weeks and grimaced as he imagined the animated dial on his screen pivoting even further counterclockwise.
“It already wasn’t great, especially after all that Trump University stuff, but now? It’s going to be rock bottom, I just know it. I’m never going to recover from this. I could open up another account in Barron’s name, but I’m pretty sure I already tanked his credit too.”
At press time, Trump had reportedly responded to his credit score by hurling his computer across the room.
https://www.theonion.com/trump-scared-to-check-credit-score-1851297917
Removed Notre Dame Scaffolding Reveals Construction Crew Accidentally Built Mosque
PARIS—With a minaret protruding from atop the former Catholic cathedral as the repairs that followed a 2019 fire neared an end, the removal of scaffolding around Notre Dame revealed Friday that it had accidentally been rebuilt as a mosque.
“Well, shit,” contractor Mathieu Renaud told reporters, explaining that he had wondered why all the blueprints for the restoration project were in Arabic instead of French.
“Clearly there was some kind of mix-up somewhere, because we got the religion wrong on this thing. At least Islam is an Abrahamic religion, so it’s not too far off. We’re supposed to be a secular country, anyhow. Ope, did you hear that? I do believe that was the Muslim call to prayer.”
At press time, witnesses confirmed Notre Dame was once again ablaze after a mob of angry Parisians set fire to it.
https://www.theonion.com/removed-notre-dame-scaffolding-reveals-construction-cre-1851261775
At the Florida Man Games, big crowds cheer competitors evading police, wrestling over beer
ST. AUGUSTINE, Fla. (AP) — They rose up by the dozens from across Florida, caricatured competitors in tank tops and cutoff shorts, for a showdown that treats evading police and wrestling over beer like Olympic sports.
Promoted as “the most insane athletic showdown on Earth,” the Florida Man Games poke fun at the state’s reputation for bizarre stories that involve brawling, drinking, gunfire, reptile wrangling and other antics carrying a risk of time in jail or intensive care.
The games kicked off Saturday with the “Star Spangled Banner” played on electric guitar. Then spectators sipping canned beers behind metal barricades cheered and frequently shouted expletives as a dozen teams battled in contests inspired by real events from America’s most surreal state.
James Gordon of DeLand won the first event, wolfing down a plate loaded with barbecue pork and sausage a fraction of a second before his nearest competitor. He chugged a beer to celebrate.
“I’ve lived in Florida my whole life,” Gordon said after washing sauce from his hands and beard. “They’re calling these ‘events.’ I’m calling this (expletive) Tuesday afternoon.”
https://apnews.com/article/florida-man-games-5b6179b81fcab5a70764109cd126b207
Alabama Supreme Court Rules That Frozen Burritos Are Children
MONTGOMERY, AL—In a case aimed at preserving what plaintiffs described as the sanctity of reheatable Tex-Mex fare, Alabama’s Supreme Court issued a ruling Tuesday in which it asserted that frozen burritos are children.
“With this decision, the court finds that frozen burritos—be they beef, bean and cheese, chicken, or any combination thereof—are legally recognized as children,” Justice Jay Mitchell wrote in the court’s majority opinion, claiming that at the moment the frozen burrito is placed in its plastic sleeve, it becomes human life made in the image of God.
“Personhood applies to all frozen burritos without limitation. Just because they are not currently inside a woman’s belly does not make these convenient and affordable meals any less deserving of the same rights enjoyed by living, breathing children.”
In a dissent, Justice Greg Cook wrote that the majority opinion “almost certainly ends the enjoyment of frozen burritos prepared in gas station microwaves throughout Alabama.”
https://www.theonion.com/alabama-supreme-court-rules-that-frozen-burritos-are-ch-1851271293
DeSantis Slams Biden Climate Policy: 'An Agenda to Control You'
Source: New York Times
The Florida governor delivered an address in Texas that favored oil and gas development over climate agreements and electric vehicles.
Gov. Ron DeSantis of Florida on Wednesday unveiled an energy plan in the heart of oil country, criticizing electric vehicles and global climate agreements, promising lower fuel prices and pushing for more oil and gas development.
In a policy rollout at an oil rig site in Midland — a West Texas city that derives much of its economy from oil production — Mr. DeSantis seemed to make a general-election argument, promising to roll back several of the Biden administration’s climate initiatives, calling them “part of an agenda to control you and to control our behavior.”
“They’re trying to circumscribe your ambitions. They are even telling our younger generations to have fewer children, or not to even have children, on the grounds that somehow children are going to make our climate and planet unlivable — and that’s wrong to say,” he told a crowd of a few dozen rig workers and reporters.
Mr. DeSantis mentioned his chief rival in the Republican primary, former President Donald J. Trump — whom he trails by a wide margin in the polls — only once.
Read more: https://www.nytimes.com/2023/09/20/us/politics/desantis-climate-energy-biden.html?unlocked_article_code=tAkg3crT0zfueESZwjHZhws4-Z9zBaUfp4jLqUBDwlv_k_MIWObARrcmYFJG_QkssCa0LfbJWd7zSI95lGY40sxGmRaqZ5e0a4hBJefuNu_h0FMkuCEIhSPuBGM-EJCJpQhP3fGI4PR4ZS2Et_wt5cxYWn48RLylji9ir4NqWPwdDD8iPxEY-aIopYjPa-aFCpvA_Mhd8_agY3KIuVIW7nxerBx_eX6etAyVBtMyktDkq3_spZiUwJ65fP6Hs7K3sxIzlvyxx96ucBkIc5W1W2Yz_cXTO38Z7AWE5gIP8VwgyCntnkKz41F5kpQGiUH2CVDJ6enhRqY6wxE3DCIGHE88nd47OHWBc_Pe&smid=url-share
DeSantis really is trying to show he's an even bigger asshole than TFG.
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