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Mon Aug 10, 2015, 12:42 PM

If I were Karl Rove...

...and thank fate and any/all deities I'm not! But still, if I were...

Him or some other GOPpie weasel helot of our Beloved Oligarchs... I imagine this fantasy scenario:

Oligarchs' Bagman: Karl, yer letting us down.

Karl: It's not MY fault we got sixteen losers all fighting for a piece of the action. Why don't you guys send someone around to, uh, 'talk' to a dozen or so?

OB: Seventeen. And yeah, that's what we'd do, if there was only six or eight, yanno? Send along some fixers, buy 'em out or, uh... 'adjust' things. But seventeen? Too big a rat, people would smell, if they started dropping like flies. Even Roger couldn't spin that one. You know we can't blow it now. People still think this is a democracy, and we gotta go along. For another few years, anyway.

Karl: OK, I lost count. So sue me. But whadda you expect me to do, if you and your fixers can't take care of it? I mean, I got a little dirt on Marco and Rickie, but, seriously... like anyone would NOTICE?

OB: We EXPECT you to do what you do best, Blossom-boy. Take out the opposition. Then it won't matter who ends up with the nod.

Karl: Think about it, willya? We have been throwing everything we got, real or imagined, at Hillary, for better than twenty YEARS now. Unless she gets caught on camera biting off kittens' heads while getting a muff job from a Kardashian, we haven't got much to work with at this point.

OB: Hillary's not the only problem. That commie Sanders is pulling major crowds. Better to solve that problem while it's small and solvable, we think.

Karl: Socialist. Sort of. If you're talking about Bernie. I thought we were gonna let NetanYahoo spring a surprise on him at the right time?

OB: Whatever. Bennie's losing steam, though. He turned the screws on Chuckie too hard, too soon, the idiot.

Karl: Well, I toldja he wasn't controllable.

OB: We never thought he was. Useful, though. Up to a point. Back to the matter at hand. We need to keep Bernie from gathering any more momentum, too. YOU need to do it, that is.

Karl: (rolling eyes) Of course. That'll be easy, because he's got so many dust bunnies under his bed.... NOT. Any ideas? He taken any big bank cash? Done any water-carrying for Big Pharma? Backed out on any spankings for libbie crusaders? ANYTHING you can hand me to work with?

OB: That's your problem. You're the weasel.

Karl: Yeah, right. The only one. Sheesh.

OB: You want us to find someone else to get creative and end up with this Cayman account?

Karl: No, no... I'll take care of it. Relax. I'll need some front money.

OB: Already transferred.

The bagman leaves, and Karl calls in some minions.

Karl: All right, you guys. Larry, you work on the Hillary problem. Curly, you work on the Bernie problem. Moe... (Karl fumbles at his zipper.)

Moe: Hey, boss... howabout we take out both problems with one solution?

Karl: (pauses) Elegant. I like it. How, genius?

Moe: Can we get Hillary to do the dirty on Bernie?

Larry: She can play hardball, everybody knows that. Maybe we offer some bait for her to work with?

They all look at Curly

Curly: I got nothin'! I mean, okay, the guy did a little horsetrading here and there, but nothing that'll stick with the lefty base, not without WAY more inflation that we could get away with. Or Hillary could get away with.

Karl: She's too wily to go there. Okay Moe, it was a good idea, but... (Karl unbuttons his waistband)

Moe: No, wait, wait! Boss, this could work! You've done it before....!

Karl: (clearly skeptical) How so?

Moe: Boss, how many times have you said "It doesn't matter what they DO, it matters what the morons THINK they did"?

Karl: hmmmm..... Lemme think about this. Get outta here, you guys.

An hour later, the minions are in his office again.

Karl: Here's the deal. Larry, you gotta get me a coupla tame schwartzes.

Larry pulls out a little black (of course) book and starts thumbing through it.

Larry: What kinda? We got homophobes, we got the ones who voted for Watts...

Karl: Nah, they're all too old. We need some youngsters. They gotta pass for beelims.

Curly: Beelims, boss?

Karl: Yeah, the ones makin' all the noise now about a few bad apples in the law enforcement community.

Moe: My god, boss, YOU'RE the genius!

Karl: I know. Now explain it to these two numbskulls.

Moe: Oh, man... it's a thing of beauty. Seriously beautiful, boss.

Karl: We can get to that later. Enlighten your friends.

Moe: Don't you get it, guys? We use some of our ops to be these beelim-types. And they make a big public stinkeroonie on Commie boy. SO big, and SO public, that everybody's positive it's gotta be a put-up job. And who'll get blamed?

Larry: Jesus. Of course! Hillary! Two problems, one solution. You ARE a genius, boss.

Curly: Man, I'd-a never thought of anything that smart!

The others roll their eyes.

Anyway, that's what I imagine.


6 replies, 797 views

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Arrow 6 replies Author Time Post
Reply If I were Karl Rove... (Original post)
TygrBright Aug 2015 OP
TygrBright Aug 2015 #1
Agschmid Aug 2015 #2
Suich Aug 2015 #3
PowerToThePeople Aug 2015 #4
BKH70041 Aug 2015 #5
kath Aug 2015 #6

Response to TygrBright (Original post)

Mon Aug 10, 2015, 05:07 PM

1. Wow. Stone. Sank. Should I self-delete? n/t

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Response to TygrBright (Reply #1)

Mon Aug 10, 2015, 05:08 PM

2. It was really long...

But no reason to self delete.

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Response to TygrBright (Reply #1)

Mon Aug 10, 2015, 05:11 PM

3. Don't delete.

Maybe shorten it a bit.

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Response to TygrBright (Reply #1)

Mon Aug 10, 2015, 05:14 PM

4. It was good


No need to self delete.

Some of my favorite OPs had very little response.

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Response to TygrBright (Original post)

Mon Aug 10, 2015, 05:16 PM

5. Yeah, I remember when I had my first beer.

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Response to TygrBright (Original post)

Mon Aug 10, 2015, 05:21 PM

6. Good stuff. somehow I missed it earlier.

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