Issues for Boomers: the illness or death of our parents

[OKNancy]

There are so many topics to discuss. Some issues are emotional and many are practical.
Seeing your parent age, get sick, and eventually die is heartbreaking for most people.

How did you handle it?

Later I would like to take up the practical... handling the estate and relatives, and all the other things I bet people don't even think about.

[canoeist52]

1. I'l bet quite a few boomers are caring for children

and caring for parents at the same time. Much stress trying to divide your time! All this while losing your house, your job, and becoming unemployable while waiting and hoping to make it to Medicare and SS.

[southernyankeebelle]

2. I'm a boomer. I am having medical issues and my husband is 7 yr younger and he does to. My son

lives next door to us. I worry about him and his wife and children. We are finding that we have to help them financially. What money we had saved we always seem to have to touch it for them. I can't tell you the thousands of dollars I have loaned and never got back. I feel when it is my time and I have to meet my maker I can't even die in peace. I worry about my husband and will my son and his wife be able to help him. He takes thinks very hard. He doesn't show it but medical it works on him. No matter how much you are aware time is moving I just keep praying to god help me live another day so I can help my family and especially my grandchild.

[canoeist52]

3. Sorry you're in that medical situation. It's hard for you to have all that responsibility and worry.

It isn't fair. We are all just one medical disaster away from falling into poverty. My two adult kids are still living with us. There's just no way they can afford to move out with a minimum wage job (one) and huge student loan debt (the other). I worry about something happening to me as I run the household (financial decisions, paying bills, cleaning and shopping) My husband works but this year he had a cutback to four workdays. We're barely breaking even now.

[southernyankeebelle]

4. canoeist52

I think there are many people in your shoes and my shoes. We all do our best and pray we make it til the next paycheck. I just wish that the people in congress and the senate would see and understand what people are going through. We will survive with the grace of god. Good luck to you and your family. I hope you at least get to have a nice dinner with your family. After all that is what it is all about. This will be the first year my husband will not have to work christmas eve because it falls on his day off this year. I think we are going to go to midnight mass for a change. It always make you feel good. Or maybe watch the mass from Rome. I really wish you a happy holiday. Love and hug your kids because they need us to.

[OKNancy]

5. I too have an adult child living with me

She has a 5-year degree and a bunch of student debt. Of course she graduated at the worst time. Her first job in her field paid so little there was no way she could live on her own. Fortunately she now has a slightly better job with benefits. It will still take her another year to make enough to leave. I'm also fortunate that we get along and except for my husband being a little too protective ( lol), we are doing fine with the arrangement.

[southernyankeebelle]

6. OK Nancy thank your lucky stars your daughter doesn't have children yet. Grandkids

are a blessing and a worry. The way the economy is today know one is safe in a job.

[Howler]

13. (((Hug)))

[southernyankeebelle]

16. Your a sweety Howler thanks we all need hugs. I know am bitching alot but I guess I

am still lucky. I thank the good lord that we are making it. My heart bleeds for the families that are out there in streets who are having a hard time.

[Howler]

20. My heart to Southernyankeebelle.

And you wern't bitchen you were sharing. This is a great place to share similar experiences we Boomers are facing.

[shanti]

7. i'd like to think i'm prepared

Last edited Sun May 20, 2012, 03:21 PM - Edit history (1)

for this, but are we ever? my mother is 79, quite healthy and spry, mind still there (although i notice some fading). although she's certainly not wealthy, she made sure that all of her financial bases were covered when she retired. she was a RN, but didn't work long enough to get a pension, just SS. fortunately for her and dad (who is deceased), they sold their house in So Cal when the market was up, and bought a mobile outright in arizona.

mom even took advantage of a longterm care program through my employer that will allow her to stay in her home with home health care in case anything happens. she's very independent, and definitely doesn't want to go to a nursing home or have one of us three kids living with her, although we all would. after dad passed two years ago after a long bout with COPD/lung cancer, she went on a flurry of financial matters, dividing up all her assets at that time, putting us kids on the mobile deed, etc. then if she should die, we wouldn't have to wait for probate to finish before selling it.

we all call her at least once a week as we all live in cali and she in arizona. also, she has neighbors who watch out for her as well as one of those "i've fallen and i can't get up" thingies.

[OKNancy]

9. I really messed up my last post

so much so that I was embarrassed to edit the darn thing!!

Sounds like you mom has things under control.

[Howler]

14. WOW!!!

You're Mom Rocks Shanti!!!! Talk about strong!!!

[shanti]

23. thanks, she's pretty awesome!

[whathehell]

29. I'm glad things seem to be going well for you and your mother, and I hope she lives a very long time

That said, I doubt if you are "prepared"....I thought I was, but I wasn't and I

doubt anyone is.


My mother died five years ago, my father fifteen, and I miss them

and think about them everyday, but most especially around the holidays.

It's been the biggest loss of my life.

[shanti]

32. so sorry for your loss

getting old sucks.

[whathehell]

34. Thank you, Shanti

I keep it together with a little help from

my shrink, lol, along with nice people like you.

[NRaleighLiberal]

10. I've got lots to say here but will wait for the full DU2 to DU3 switch - don't want it to get lost.

Will be about all of the things that the passing of my dad in 2007 triggered for our family - and continues to cause difficulties now...mainly between my brother and I (and involves the local caretaking role he has for my mom, who is in assisted living).

[LiberalEsto]

11. I lost my parents many years ago

My mom died when I was 23, and my father died when I was 36. I'm 59 now.

It was really hard going through life without my mom, especially getting married, having children, raising children without family support. I did help care for her from age 12 to 23.

I don't have to worry about caring for aging parents now, but I'm sort of making up for it by supporting a 25-year-old kid, and paying every penny of both kids' student loans.

Estates? Nada.

[southernyankeebelle]

17. I can relate to you. I was 22 when my dad died and we sure weren't prepared for it. My poor

mother didn't drive, never wrote a check or paid the bills. My dad was old fashioned believing he was the bread winner and he took care of the bill paying and she took care of the house and family. My dad use to help mom on the weekends by taking us kids out so she could have time to herself. He was wonderful. I was mad when he died (as if he wanted to) because he left 2 younger children. My parents had 6 kids. Four within 2 yrs apart then 10 yrs pass and they had 2 more. I think god gave my mom 2 more to keep her busy when he died. My oldest brother took care of the funeral arrangements and we all split what bills she left unpaid. You know I don't care how prepared you think you are you always forget something.

GOOD LAUGH FOR YOUR DAY.

Now my in-laws were better prepared. However I have to say my mother-in-law after my father-in-law died went back in time. She was 82 yrs old when her husband died. He died in Oct and 31 Dec she wanted to go to a night spot for New Years Eve. I just couldn't believe it. My husband and I don't do bars but she wanted to go and we took her and dropped her off then picked her up at 1:00 am in the morning. She was alittle tipsy. That wasn't the Kicker. She started hanging around these farmers around our rural area. They are in their late 40s and 50s. She would go to the bar with them she would drive home and those guys would be over at her house. I mean there was no following around. How would you like coming home from work at 9:30 in the evening and it is the police department telling you they have your mother-in-law in jail? Its funny now but not at the time. We had to bail her out and of course she had to go to court. OMG I begged them to let her go first because the court room was crowded. LOL. That damn judge called her up and I went with her because she was very nervous and the judge looked at me and had the nerve to ask me where was I. I looked at him and I told him that I was at work and the last time I checked she was well over 21. She had to pay a fine. But it didn't stop her from enjoying her life although it worried the heck out of my husband and I. She finally did slow down at the age of 89 when she ended up in the nursing home because she fell and she never would try to move from her fall.

Life really is a bowl of cherries like Erma Bombeck would say

[SheilaT]

12. At the risk of sounding quite

heartless, I'm fortunate in that both of my parents are dead. Dad died in 1973 at age 59, Mom in 1999 at 82.

My two sons are grown (24 and 29) and self-supporting. No grandchildren.

When they were in college I kept on telling them that they were going to have to earn a living, so be sure to get a degree that would get them a decent job. I just want to scream at young people who simply major in something that seems nice at the time, without any thought whatsoever as to the jobs in that field. Especially if they are taking out student loans.

[southernyankeebelle]

18. My granddaughter is 6 yrs old christmas day. Since last year I am been telling her that she

is beautiful, she is very smart, and find a job you are going to like and make sure you get a college degree that can make you be able to support yourself. I tell her no babies or marriage until you graduate from college. No babies until you get married. We go through this little speech all the time because I want her to be able to take care of herself. I told her that she might be lucky and find a good man like grandpa but you must be able to support yourself and not to depend on anyoneelse but yourself. She understands this at 6 yrs old. Especially our daughters need to know this.

[SheilaT]

27. Good for you.

Just keep in mind, that it's not just four year degrees that lead to good, well-paid work. Junior colleges have wonderful programs that take the student directly to a good job. My older son got a CAD (Computer Aided Design) degree at his junior college and is gainfully employed and well paid. He commented to me that he's making more money than he actually thought he would in this work.

[southernyankeebelle]

28. Excellent point. All I want her to do he get a good decent education even if it a junior college.

It may be the only thing she can afford but I want her to get a education that leads to a decent paying job and a junior college can do that also. I totally agree with you. I just want her to make sure she can support herself and not have to depend on a man. My nephew does some type of work for the government with computers. He gets to travel all over the place. He gets well paid. He dad is brillant and can make a computer from scratch. Funny thing he got a 4 yr all paid scholarship. He had decided to be a teacher. I never thought he had the patients to be a teacher. Anyone he had to stay in the district one year. After that year he got out of teaching. He is happier now. It is a good field. So is the nursing field. Good for your son finding a job he loves. You should be proud for giving him his start in life with good parenting. I hope and pray that I get to see my granddaughter at least graduate from high school and going to college. Am 64 yr old and have a heart condition. I pray every night.

[whathehell]

30. Why do you feel "fortunate" that your parents are dead?

[SheilaT]

39. I'm "fortunate" in that we (I'm one of six children) were spared

the kind of caretaking of an elderly parent that happens to so many adult children.

My father basically drank himself to death. My mother had moved us children across the country from upstate NY to Tucson, AZ in 1963 because Dad was getting more and more abusive. Best thing she ever could have done for us.

My Mom was always in excellent health until she fell on Christmas Eve, then was in and out of hospitals and rehab places for three months. She was doing fine, recovering, when she suddenly had a stroke and died within thirty minutes. Her passing was unexpected, and we of course all wish she'd lived for many years more. But it could have been much worse, and is for many others.

[Howler]

15. My Mom passed about 6 years ago.

it was quick with no warning.

My Dad lives in northern Mich with his beautiful third wife of 25 years who takes impeccable care of him. I just love her!

My Dad has just been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s though he has been in decline for some time.
I have long talks on the phone with her and let her vent and just listen to her.
My Dad was a super intelligent and vital man.He is and was a very gifted person as well in art,music,technology you name it.
Its very hard.

[southernyankeebelle]

19. Howler my heart goes out to you. I think having Alzheimer is worse than having cancer. It

is sad to hear your gifted father is going to lose his talents because of memory loss. God bless your step mom. You are lucky to have her in your life to take care and love your father. God be with your family.

[Howler]

21. Oh! I count my blessings In my Dad finding her EVERY DAY!

She is one of those rare people who inspire the rest of us to be and do better .
She is very gentle and has a sublime sense of humor! She is a gemini.
She brings our family closer instead of trying to divide us like my Dad's second wife. UGH! LOL!


rutt row....HAHAHA!!!!1 Mommy issues at 52 years old ......HAHAHAHA!!!!! Imagine that!snort!

[southernyankeebelle]

22. Your lucky she still there for you all. My mom taught me something many years ago and I always

kept it in my mind. She said never put your mate (husband in my case) in middle of a problem you are having with his parent. I always kept that in mind and never put my husband in the middle for him to make a decision. No argument is worth having you fight with your husband over. He did the same for me. We have been married 32 yrs.

[Howler]

24. Excellent Advice Southernyankeebelle!

Your Mom was a very wise woman!
I also think No one should have to choose between their spouse and any relatives. We all want the best possiable happiness for all the people in our lives!


P.S.
I cannot wait till we get spell check back!!!! LOL!

[southernyankeebelle]

25. Don't worry about the spell check. I wouldn't say anything because a person takes the time to

respond to my comment. My spelling and grammar could use checking. Yes my mom was a very wise woman. But then again most mothers are, lol. Good luck.

[Howler]

26. You too southernyankeebelle!

And I hope you have the best New Years EVER!!!!

[sinkingfeeling]

31. In 2011, my 91 yr.-old mother lost her independence and it's awful.

She is almost completely blind, can hardly walk with a walker, and has kidney failure. She had to leave her 'senior' apartment where she'd lived for 15 years and move into an assisted living home. She hates it and is fighting her current status with everything she's got. She's terribly depressed and making my sister, brother-in-law, and myself feel like evil beings for putting her there. She's never been in any type of 'communal living' arrangement and the aides dislike her 'attitude'. We don't know what to do. Her main problem is that her mind is still as sharp as a tack and she just wants things the way they were.

[OKNancy]

33. I feel for you AND her

It makes me worry about my own future. Not only for my mother, but for myself if I were ever in your mother's situation.

[whathehell]

36. My 85 year old mother who had early Alzheimer's was furious about having to go to Assisted Living

at first, but she got over it rather quickly.

She got involved with the activities, made some friends, and in not

too long a time, she even had a boyfriend!

If you're mother's relatively new there, you might

want to give her some time.

[rustydog]

35. My mother died 38 years ago, when I was 20...it was difficult

My dad is in his mid eighties and I will be devastated when he passes.

[DPC.Comment]

37. tough post to respond to...

with aging and ill parents myself, this is tough to respond to, but important. Emotionally, it seems that if ones parents didn't prepare their kids for the eventuality of their death, it may to late for US -- however there is still good news if you have kids of your own. Take time to talk with them about it so that they understand aging and death as a natural (albeit still difficult) part of life. Legally -- uff -- that is tough and also emotional. Aging parents sometimes get suspicious and hurtful when they don't really mean it, it is just tough. Best solution: talk with parents about how they want things to work BEFORE they get to that stage. Best wises as you work through this tough issue.

[codjh9]

38. I've been through it all. Both parents gone, had to deal with the house, estate, everything.

It was tough. Both parents had hospice, though, and I was there for Mom, damn it (I just mean it's hard for me to talk about it), as well (i.e. me AND hospice). Yes, it was quite heartbreaking, as I was very close to both parents ... closer than my brothers were with them. But although I didn't do a perfect job, I was glad I was there for Mom in her last 10-11 months.
I used my parents' lawyer - who was also a friend (of them, but of me too) - who didn't charge me excessively, and guided me through the will/probate process.