Women's Rights & Issues
Related: About this forumHow the value put on two-parent families is dangerous for domestic violence survivors
I began my research in 2011, the year the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported that more than one-third of American women are assaulted by an intimate partner during their lives. I talked to women in communities that ranged from a small rural mining town to a large global city, in police stations, criminal courts, emergency shelters, job placement centers and custody proceedings. I found that almost all of the women with children I interviewed had maintained contact with their abusers. Why?
Many had internalized a public narrative that equated marriage with success. Women experiencing domestic abuse are told by our culture that being a good mother means marrying the father of her children and supporting a relationship between them. According to a 2010 Pew report, 69 percent of Americans say single mothers without male partners to help raise their children are bad for society, and 61 percent agree that a child needs a mother and a father to grow up happily.
The awareness of the stigma of single motherhood became apparent to me when I met a young woman who was seven months pregnant. She had recently left her abusive boyfriend and was living in a domestic violence shelter. When I asked if she thought the relationship was over, she responded, As far as being together right now, I dont want to be together. But I do hope that in the future because my mind puts it out there like, O.K., I dont want to be a statistic. When she said this, I assumed she was referring to domestic violence statistics. But she continued: I dont want to be this young pregnant mom who they say never lasts with the babys father. I dont want to be like that.
And its not just that some women have internalized these ideas; far more worrying is that the institutions that are supposed to help themmental health professionals, law enforcement officials, judges and members of the clergyoften showed greater concern for the maintenance of a two-parent family than for the safety of the mother and her children.
Vilifying single mothersblaming them for poverty that our policies created and maintainis not just unfair. And spending billions of dollars on marriage promotion programs is not just wasteful. Its also harmful. As Shoener writes, Sweeping rhetoric about the value of marriage and father involvement is not just incomplete. For victims of domestic violence, its dangerous.
http://feministing.com/2014/06/23/how-the-value-put-on-two-parent-families-is-dangerous-for-domestic-violence-survivors/
Warpy
(111,406 posts)and realizes they're going to be living in poverty if she tries to leave and that she will be blamed for keeping them poor. This is just one of many reasons women go back to a batterer.
The two parent family is just ducky if both parents are healthy. If one is not, for any reason, it can be the ultimate nightmare.
This is what religious dreamers never seem to get.
PeaceNikki
(27,985 posts)a child being raised in an abusive home. But we never EVER hear that message. Ever. Instead, one of the reasons abused women with kids stick around is because of the constant message that it's better for the kids. It's not. I speak from experience. Raising a child in a home where they see abuse of their mother as a normal thing is tremendously harmful. There should be better support systems in place and better messages sent to reinforce this.
This article really hit home with me.
chervilant
(8,267 posts)are killed by their abusers are killed after they leave.
PeaceNikki
(27,985 posts)I saw women lose custody rights because they had moved with their children to friends houses or even into domestic violence shelters to escape abuse, and judges considered these unsuitable living arrangements. The children were sent back to their abusive fathers, who could provide more stability.
Another survivor I spoke with was tangled in a custody battle with her former boyfriend, who was also being prosecuted in criminal court for injuring their children. One afternoon, we sat outside the towns courthouse. She had just lost two additional days a week of custody to the childrens father. The primary evidence against her was a picture of her drinking a cocktail, illustrating her apparent unsuitability as a mother. She said: I tried to get my kids out before things got really bad, and the court was like, Where are the bruises? Its not so bad. Why are you alienating the kids from Dad? Next time they said, Why didnt you get out? Why didnt you protect the kids? They want you to get away from the abuse and then they make it so hard.
The very system meant to punish perpetrators and protect survivors of violence bound the two more tightly together. This reality deeply affected womens choices; many calculated that they would rather live in abusive homes with their children than risk leaving them alone.
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/06/22/opinion/sunday/domestic-violence-and-two-parent-households.html?_r=0
chervilant
(8,267 posts)relationship violence for more than thirty years. Jurists are typically products of the same patriarchal precepts that render too many women vulnerable to relationship violence.
I recommend Dinnerstein's The Mermaid and the Minotaur.
Also, children who witness one parent abusing the other are as much survivors of relationship violence as their abused parent, and it's past time for our courts to respond accordingly.
theHandpuppet
(19,964 posts)... of women being murdered AFTER a restraining order has been filed.
chervilant
(8,267 posts)that restraining orders will not protect them from a determined, angry abuser. The restraining order becomes a paper trail to convince jurists that the abuser is relentlessly and demonstrably violent, and thus a continued threat.
It doesn't hurt to mention that a fourth of all police officers killed in the line of duty are killed answering domestic violence calls.
theHandpuppet
(19,964 posts)I think some women have the mistaken notion that a restraining order will protect them when in fact it may only escalate the violence.