'The Thought of My Son Being Gay Frightened Me. I Found It Hard to Love Him'
I was not an ideal father – to put it mildly. I knew that from the start. Even if I denied it, and even if I had attacks of good fatherhood for limited periods, I did not carry out my functions as a father properly. I was too strict a parent, too demanding, but that’s not where I sinned. The sin was that I didn’t know the right way to express my faith in my children and their abilities, or to express appreciation – simply, directly, happily – for their achievements. Even though I loved them very much, I apparently didn’t know how to convey to them in a sufficient and convincing manner the feeling that my love for them was total, unconditional, not contingent.
I didn’t neglect them, heaven forbid. On the contrary, I was very mindful when it came to family life and diligently upheld family traditions on Shabbat and holidays. I made kiddush on Shabbat eve, we went on many outings across the country, we vacationed in nature reserves, slept in tents and on weekends headed to the beach. But the truth is that in all this, I behaved with more than a touch of military obsessiveness. This often riled the children, in fact they had a tendency to refer to “those plans of Dad’s,” “Dad’s forced compulsory trips,” “the beach madness.”
I was never a tyrant – crass, violent or threatening. But there was something in me that was reminiscent of a commander’s mannerisms: a certain degree of paternalism, machoism, arrogance, fanaticism concerning my way of doing things; and impatience and disdain for whoever deviated from my format. Today I recognize and am aware of this, but deep down I knew it then, too. I wasn’t able to differentiate between types of authority, and I brought some of my army behavior into the house. Not in terms of explicit actions, but definitely in the style.
All my life I was devoted to work in the extreme. In practice, under all the fine words and ideals, I was a typical “careerist.” I worked long hours, I held meetings and conversations relating to work late into the evening – and at home, too, I went on dealing with matters related to work. It was clear that the family had to adjust itself to my career.
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Long read, but worth it and interesting.
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