Coming out to straight spouse

[Zing Zing Zingbah]

Has anyone here ever done this? Do you have any advice? I only figured out that I'm most likely a lesbian earlier this year. I might be a tiny bit bi, but lately I'm only interested in women. It was kind of a shock to me because I'm in my late 30's, but it makes sense when I look back at my life and think about the kind of person I am. I'm getting used to it in my own head. I told a few close friends. I'm getting to the point where I feel like I have to tell my husband and I want a separation and eventually a divorce. I love him like a friend/family, but I'm not attracted to him. I don't want to waste his time or my time with pretending anymore. There's no way I can do this for the rest of my life. I just don't know how to talk about it and I really don't want to talk about either. We have kids, but I feel like I can still be help out a lot if I live in the area. I'm just thinking I'm going to come off as sounding totally crazy. I absolutely hate this situation and I feel like the problem is all me. I would so love to not have this problem.

[PJMcK]

1. One word of advice

Your circumstances sound very difficult and I hope you'll navigate them peacefully.

Although my situations were very different, I've gone through two divorces and I can only offer this observation: Treat yourself with care. You will be a better person and your relationships will be healthier.

Good luck, Zing.

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

2. Perhaps you should start off by letting him know you

are no longer in love with him. That happens. Marriages, even good ones, do come to an end. That, I think, is where your focus should be initially. The part about you prefer women can come later.

Keep in mind that he's likely to wonder what exactly was wrong with him that he couldn't tell in the first place. This truly is a situation in which you can say, "It's not you, it's me."

And yes, take good care of yourself.

[TygrBright]

3. Do you get the sense that he still loves you? In what way?

It might help you decide how to process the changes if you have a sense of what level his investment still is, if any.

Bottom line is that you have a mutual investment in shared experiences, including parenting. May or may not have shared economic investments in assets, such as home, savings accounts, furnishings, etc. Certainly have shared emotional investments in the children you both love.

But if you haven't been "clicking" sexually together for some time, the investment in the 'us' of the relationship may have changed for him as well.

What is he still getting from the marriage, in tangible terms? What share do you each have in making one another's life easier? Divisions of labor?

In intangible terms, beyond those bedrock shared investments, what is he getting from the marriage? Is "husband" an important part of his identity?

The more you know about this stuff, the better you can plan for a change that will hopefully allow everyone to keep the working parts intact and jettison the non-working parts.

That said, it's really important, as another responder in this thread has pointed out, to affirm who you are NOW and who you are becoming. And take care of yourself. If you don't have a wise elder or close, knowledgeable friends, you might want to seek out a therapist who can commit to helping you sort through your priorities, establish boundaries, and create some self-care routines to keep you healthy and positive in your approach.

affirmatively,
Bright

[FreeState]

4. This is going to sound very odd and out of left field...

If you use Reddit post your question to the exmormon sub (https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/). They literally have this quest every other month and they have daily threads on coming out to your spouse as a non-believer (when you're in a cult that's huge and has a lot of parallels).

I wish you, your husband and your kids well. Great advice above.

[Zing Zing Zingbah]

5. Update

I talked to my husband last night and he was really cool about it. I was afraid he was going to feel hurt or betrayed, but he didn't feel that way at all. He talked me into having an open marriage with him. I didn't think he'd be interested in that, but it was his idea. He also told me he considers himself bi even though he's never been with a man, but that he has been interested in men before. He says most guys he's not interested in though, mostly women. He thinks a lot of guys just don't take care of their bodies, like they don't care about looking good. I agreed with him on that. Women have to look good, but it seems like guys can get away with being slobs if they have a lot of money. We do get along really well and he mentioned that he'd hate to not be able to do things with me like vacations and all the other sorts of fun things I plan. Also, the financial aspect of being separated sucks and I agreed with him on that. It is just way more expensive. I think we would be able to afford it, but I'd rather have more money for the kids. Our oldest will probably be going to college in 3 years. He reminded me why I married him in the first place. He is a very unique person. He is very open minded and a creative problem solver. We do make a good team and I'm thinking maybe this marriage will work out for the long term. We've been married 15 years already. I think if we can get through this, then we're golden. I feel so much better anyhow and I'm very lucky to have such great people in my life. The two friends I came out to were incredibly supportive as well.

[Heddi]

6. I am a bisexual female married to a straight male

Granted, he knew when we started dating that I was bi, so there was no coming out. We've been in an open marriage for the better part of 10 years. I hate the term "swingers" but that's really the only word out there that describes what we are. We're not polyamorous b/c we don't "date" other people, but we do have an open marriage and it's wonderful. My husband is very open and accepting of who I am and what my needs are, and it works great.

I wish you and your husband all the luck in the world and am happy to chat with you about the realities of open marriages/polyamory/"swing"/lifestyle, etc through PM/email/etc if you'd like. There's alot you should know going into it -- it is not all roses and unicorns. You will have your time wasted by people who are out to play you and waste you/your husband's time. The two of you need to sit down and discuss expectations for each other and yourselves.

There are a couple of books I'd highly recommend:
OPening UP - a guide to creating and sustaining open relationship by Tristan Taormino
Polyamorists Next Door by Elisabeth Sheff
Swinging in America - Love Sex and Marriage in the 21st century by Curtis Bergstrand
The Ethical Slut a pratical guide to Polyamorous relationships - Dossie Easton

Please -- I will ask as a friend, as a bisexual woman, as a swinger, as a democrat, as a human -- DO NOT LOOK ON CRAIGSLIST FOR PARTNERS. I am telling you as someone who has gone that route -- you will waste your time and just...no. There are better, more reliable, less shady ways.

Good luck to you and your husband. Again, as someone who lives this lifestyle for the last 10ish years, happy to answer any questions you may have.