A Terrifying Look at Gay Marriage Equality
If the Defense of Marriage Act came crashing down, opening the floodgates of same-sex marriage and legalizing it federally, our great nation would face some frightening prospects.
For one, gays would come slithering out of the polished oak woodwork of their ranch homes in Seattle and the finished bamboo cabinetry of their lofts in Chelsea and head immediately for David's Bridal, causing ungodly lines longer than any bridezilla could fathomably handle. Filene's Basement's annual Running of the Brides event would get so overrun with the 10 percent of the population that had been previously excluded that there might even be a stampede. Worse yet, the queers might get all the best deals before the straights can grab them. Everyone knows lesbians are better athletes.
If same-sex devotees could legally get hitched nationwide, lesbians would forcefully kick off their Crocs and Birkenstocks -- potentially endangering foreheads in range of the flying footwear -- to embrace the white, satin-draped stilettos that they deliberately dyed to match their wedding gowns. Shoemakers wouldn't get to sit around all day twiddling their thumbs anymore. Crocs would have to eliminate its line of olive-colored winterized "shoes," and its profit margins would be sliced by 3.46576 percent.
The United States Postal Service would be overwhelmed with the increased number of save-the-dates, wedding invitations, and RSVPs clogging its normally highly efficient mail delivery system. Postal workers from Portland, Maine, to Portland, Ore., will experience lumbar distress from the added loads. Grandmas would have to wait a whole day extra to get their Publisher's Clearing House prize letters, because the USPS wouldn't be able to keep up with the increased business demand. Everyone would be sad as a result.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/allison-hope/a-terrifying-look-at-gay-marriage-equality_b_1867614.html
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I will take SCALPS!11
