Tracy Clark-Flory of Salon watched the Randy Quaid porno so you don’t have to...
Oh yikes.
Yes, I have seen Randy Quaid’s penis. I have watched Randy Quaid perform cunnilingus on his wife. I have watched Randy Quaid receive a blow job. I have watched Randy Quaid choke his wife with a belt while she brings herself to orgasm. And I have lived to tell the tale.
The first video, titled “Actor Randy Quaid and Evi Quaid on the Art of SEX in a Hollywood Marriage Part 1,” opens with his wife lying on a bed wearing pigtail braids and the same black bikini from the previous video. Allow me to set the scene: The bed is covered with a black-and-red lumberjack blanket. Above it, a photo of Murdoch’s face is pasted on the wall and tilted at an angle as though looking down at the action to come. There’s also the subtle decorative choice of yellow tape reading, “Danger.” Quaid is clad in the Hawaiian shirt he wore in “Independence Day” and a camo trucker hat. His beard is about twice as large as in the last video, rendering him more Santa Claus than “Duck Dynasty.”
From the camera mounted on his desk, we see him wordlessly grab a GoPro and proceed to his wife on the bed. He pulls off her bikini bottoms and goes down on her. At least, it appears so. The bill of his hat blocks much of the action until Evi takes it off and puts it on her own head. Randy’s face just sits there, wedged between her legs with hardly any movement. Is he alive? Is he breathing? Are there lingual acrobatics going on under his massive beard? It is entirely unclear, just as it is unclear if his wife is deriving any pleasure from it, as she makes nary a sound.
Speaking of sound, the whole time that this is happening, their dog, who is right there in the room with them, is barking in the background. Incessantly. Gratingly. I cannot emphasize enough how completely awful it is to listen to and yet they seem completely impervious to it. That is truly the most unbelievable thing about this video — not the weird sex or paranoid rantings, but the fact that they do not tell that dog to shut up.
Yeah, I have no desire to watch Randy Quaid doing it with anyone. Nor to see his junk.
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