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Related: Culture Forums, Support ForumsA Year After (marking the death anniversary of my best friend)
"Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. Joan Didion.
I knew I was going to lose Debjani long before I lost her but I was not prepared for what I felt when it actually did. I didnt realize how profound death is, how permanent and how unrelenting.
There is no chance to say that one thing you really want to tell her today. No one to receive the text message saying, Incidentally I think I see my first wrinkle. There is not another chance to get a glass of wine together. No chance to ask her what color should my wedding dress be? Death is unrelenting.
You think you understand the permanency of death, but till youve lost someone so close to you, you dont.
It turns out that grief can be bottomless, just when you think youve hit the nadir of grief, you realize youve just skimmed the surface. How much pain, how much anger, how much bitterness you can feel are things you dont realize.
You dont get that you will literally reel in shock for months. You dont realize that youll program her phone number into your new phone, because you dont expect to be the crazy person who feels that when her best friend returns, youll need the number again.
You dont think about how youll walk around envisioning your own death and how it could impact those you love. How many things youll avoid doing to prevent your loved ones from the kind of pain you now feel. Youll avoid getting on motorcycles even though you love bike rides. You know youll never go hand gliding or white water rafting.
These things may have been on your bucket list but your bucket list will change. Hand gliding will be replaced by spend more time with the people you love, because you dont how long they have left. Youll look at life through the lens of death. Youll finally understand mortality.
I struggled with this post. Should I have written something that told you more about my best friend or should I write about how the year after her feels. I know it may sound self-pitying but how profoundly I felt the loss of Debooh and how much I changed from it, is a testament to our friendship. This is the best way I could convey what her death anniversary meant to me and what she meant to me.
Kali
(54,990 posts)has touched far-away people thanks to you...
La Lioness Priyanka
(53,866 posts)HappyMe
(20,277 posts)You have written a lovely memorial to her, your friendship, and given us something to ponder.
La Lioness Priyanka
(53,866 posts)LynneSin
(95,337 posts):hugs:
hedgehog
(36,286 posts)La Lioness Priyanka
(53,866 posts)La Lioness Priyanka
(53,866 posts)Tikki
(14,539 posts)Sometimes strong glimpses of the unconditional fun you two shared will begin to overtake the sadness...let it happen.
So sad for you that you lost this friend.
Tikki
La Lioness Priyanka
(53,866 posts)fizzgig
(24,146 posts)PRETZEL
(3,245 posts)the loss of someone close forever changes people. More importantly, it's the memories shared and the bonds formed as a result of those memories. Those are forever and unending.
You were as close to her as she was to you. That will never change. You may not get the chance to hear her voice on the phone, but you should never stop talking to her. She knows you and knows what to say even if the words don't come from her lips.
La Lioness Priyanka
(53,866 posts)RiffRandell
(5,909 posts)La Lioness Priyanka
(53,866 posts)ScreamingMeemie
(68,918 posts)I still catch my breath over the fact that Leonard is not here and is gone too soon.
When we talk about ourselves it gives those who wish to judge our grief and opportunity to realize that grief has so many facets and can not be pinpointed. In stages or any other form.
My heart goes out to you. Personally I don't think we ever get over these losses...we find a way to cope.
La Lioness Priyanka
(53,866 posts)and you don't get over it.
derby378
(30,252 posts)And yes, I'm still trying to get over the death of Ginny. It has gotten easier, but just yesterday I had another crying fit. I want to be done with the tears, but it just shows how much she meant to me.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful post.
La Lioness Priyanka
(53,866 posts)supernova
(39,345 posts)to have captured your heart so.
After a time, it's possible to realize that because they lived in our lives, they gave us the capacity to feel so deeply and intensely and that is the essence of being alive.
La Lioness Priyanka
(53,866 posts)MadrasT
(7,237 posts)I recently lost someone very close and you have expressed a lot of the things I am experiencing, too.
I get the urge to send a text or call him and then realize (all over again)... he isn't there anymore... and isn't going to be there. Ever. Then my head starts going WTF! WTF? WTF!?! all over again.
La Lioness Priyanka
(53,866 posts)CaliforniaPeggy
(149,308 posts)I have a friend I'm close to the way you are with Debooh...
Someday he will die, and I will turn again to your words to help me cope.
I see clearly how such a loss can affect you, down to your core, your heart.
Your beautiful words have made me weep.
Thank you.
La Lioness Priyanka
(53,866 posts)WCGreen
(45,558 posts)The power of grief is so relentless, so bitter and unending...
Until one day, one day Debooh will let you know it's time...
La Lioness Priyanka
(53,866 posts)Swede
(33,144 posts)Your correspondence with me during that time was comforting. My friend had a partial mastectomy and is doing fine.
Grief is a terrible wound,that over time becomes a scar. It will always be with us.